I can't always hold it in

even the coolest
Of people
Lose it now and then
here and there

I have hope
Serving as strength inside of me

it comes out in strands of positivity
Especially in the midst of pain
A smile within the recession

I'm not done, yet

I've only lost but a few

Even the times I'm stressed out
And it's obvious on my demeanor
It's Ok
I'm Ok

I'm still standing

It may not be how it used to be
but maybe it's true

There's always a beauty;
An art to be found
in abandoned ruins

I'm hurting; I'm hiding
I'm trying; but I'm hurting still
I promise, this time I do
Everytime I try to laugh
I flinch and smile
Like I can't possibly have it all
Can't let myself get addicted
to the thought of losing
Myself to you
I'm already addicted to
the thought of losing you
And the voices
in my heard don't give up
You don't hear them too
So you wouldn't understand
I want you but
I don't need you
I wish you would Help me
Please; help yourself
Get away from me;
But please stay
How pathetic
You did this to yourself
They say, unrelenting
I did this to myself
Until the day that I find
that I've come to think of you
More than i think of myself
Your laughter will always
Always push me away
And I hurt you, again
Does it matter that I'm hurt too?
Maybe if you looked
Beneath the smiles
You would see how dark
It's gotten; maybe if you
Listened deeper, you would
Hear the quiet before
The storm, the chatter
Of I love yous
My demons take turns saying
Maybe now you understand why
Love
makes no sense to me

Life is sometimes like a basketball game.
Everything you need to make a shot is there
The rims to guide the ball in
the board as a platform for those shots that seem to be going in behind to get back in
Essentially, all you need to do is just to take that shot;
Practise on precision and learn to make use of what's available in your environment.
Do not overlook anything at all.

Today, I sat by the window in the bus, and the voices told me to Jump.
Today, on the top floor of my office building, I kept hearing them say it; jump.
Today, i went to the beach to cool off; a different voice this time, Jump in, and let the waves end it all for you.
Today I sat within the crowd, and felt like squirming away; my heart thumping away.

Jump.

I didn't feel like staying with people; I wanted to be alone.
But when alone I remember: the misery of my past,  the pain from disappointments, the agony of heartbreak, the missed opportunity, the shame from my illness, and every other miserable thing I could summon.
Or sometimes I don't even remember at all; just an emptiness inside my void.
So Jump?

Today I decided to end it all, I knew I needed help, I was walking out that door, to speak out; to get help.
I needed Attention I didn't want, but I need to do everything to stay alive before I stop wanting to.
Today i decided to not be part of the negative statistic; one of those lost to mental illness and it's perceived ignonymity.
Today
#IamMentallyAware

Let's talk about the unexpected
That infectious Joy of yours
And the unrelenting manner
You speak about the things
I'd rather not hear about
Like love
and other drugs
The stolen glances;
Those aren't the only things
You've gotten to steal
The strange space on my shoulder
The one you left there even after
I told you not to forget a thing
And then the dent you've left
In my resolve
Not to love or believe in its futility
But you look at me and say
"Don't worry, your great Wall
Is still intact"
I hope that I'm strong
Enough to retain hope
That i'd be strong enough, yet
You've left me weak enough
To hope that I'm not strong enough
To resist all the uncertainty you bring
And hope you are the one to take me
To my ninth of clouds

14
And all I could think about
Were names and their invention
And application
Who told y'all about male
And female names
And why we always have
To complicate even the little things
Like meet my girlfriend
James; and my brother
Elsie; but humans
Forever stereotyping
Till we are six-feet no more