"I don't love him anymore"
I say with conviction

So then why does it sting so much
When I hear about him with her
See his "I miss you" text to her

And remember

That that could've been me

I hate sharing what I consider true vulnerability with my family
I’ll tell them I failed a test
But never how insecure I am
My mom thinks I’m this glowing confident girl
She thinks I don’t care about what others think of me
Care about boys
Or drama
None of it
In her mind, I am secure and mature
But I’m not
I hate myself so much
I hate my flat chest
My unruly hair
My wide nose
My skinny body
My red hands
My huge ears
My uneven eyes
But I’ll never let them know
I’ll call my sister beautiful and pretend her prettier face doesn’t make me squirm

I’ll keep my vulnerability hidden from them

Splashing waves
Screaming in terror
Scrambling to grip
Soaring through the air
Smoothly landing
Smiling faces

Seeing the wave
Scraping the handles
Swearing your fate
Shutting your eyes
Spinning uncontrolled
Slamming the sea

What happened to you?
Tell me, please;
Let me hold you again

What happened to you…
Where is the boy I love?
I need to hold him again

I have been called many things in my life
Know-it-all and ditzy
Forceful and submissive
Serious and silly
Everyone has a different version of me in their head

And god, I can’t figure out what anyone wants
All of these words have been insults
Am I too much or too little?

I want to be like the girls who get along with everyone
Who can take a joke without anger but know how to clap back
Playful and fun but not stupid and fluffy

Everytime I try I just become insufferable
I don’t float with ease above the surface like they do
I plummet into the depths
Or I soar above the clouds
Entirely missing my intended goal

Please teach me to be likeable
I’m begging you
Someone
Instruct me
Mold me
Make me the way I should be

I work so hard
To be enough

And I'm tired
But I'll keep going

Because it makes me worthy.

I am worthy
When I pass out from exhaustion

I am worthy
When I've worked myself dead

I am worthy
When I win the award
Or get the part
Or beat the rest

I will be worthy
When I can show the world
No matter how I appear

I am not a bumbling fool.

I will not be ridiculed again
Or have my intelligence questioned

I am capable
I have earned this place
And nobody
Will make me feel lesser than

I won't let it happen again