it’s my birthday and I’m 17 again
red dripping down my wrists
thighs aching from my biggest masterpiece
throat raw from leftovers and forgotten promises
no one remembers
no one ever remembers

life goes stale
misery circles in
black and grays
replacing the vividness
smells wafting from the fridge  
i just know rotten milk awaits

I beg each doctor to tell me what’s wrong
“He said I’m crazy that I need help that I’m mentally insane.
Tell me please what parts of me i shouldn’t retain”
They stare at me with pity in their eyes
only to always give out the same lies
“The love you feel is a symptom from your mom.
You know death waits for no one you’ve known this for long.
Each interaction, every conversation, you treat it as if it’s your last.
Nothings wrong with you dear.
You love hard because you know what it means to lose someone fast.”
They won’t tell me the truth
They won’t fix me
Only asking why the blame
Must solely rest on me.
It has to be my fault.
Doesn’t it?

Another fall
No one to save me no one to call
I just want to end it all.

his eyes flash
and I know
uninterested
minds when
I see them

a seed from a bouquet of forget me nots
the smell of tangerines waft in the air
a round full stomach, I think of
the baby that should have been there
instead the tissues drip red and black
towels underneath and heartbeats falling flat
I knew even if I made a deal with the devil
to try and secure your life it would be to no avail
but why oh why did it have to come to this
my hands my arms an empty abyss