As the owner of several million gold mines, I'm keenly aware of the difficulties in maintaining good posture and finding my dentures after earthquakes. My father often chided me till he was arrested. One day, while I was gnawing on a truck tire, an internationally-renowned beauty contest owner asked me to participate in his London pageant. I would be in a very revealing bikini, like the ones you see in California a lot. I was so flattered by his offer that I hopped into my 56-million-peso helicopter and flew to England. The English people are so nice and I'll love them forever, except for the stupid ones.

Granny left me
more money
than you be-
cause she loved
me a lot, that
much is true

Mama left me
big money, 300
million more than
she left you, be-
cause she loved
me like crazy, we
both know that
it's true

But what about the rest of us? Is it wrong for me to have a few superfluous ******* removed? Is it self-delusional to want 3 inches cut from my "monkey arms"?

I was driving through the fiercest global-warming-spawned blizzard ever, returning to my favorite gun-free zone, when an avalanche (like the one that killed Michael Jackson) buried me. I suspected that I would die soon (or soon enough) if Christ didn't intercede chop chop! I remembered several Bible verses and the Russian adage: “pray to God but row to shore.” I thought of my mother, Mather (Pa.), Jerry Mathers and the logic behind injecting pigeon **** to remove tattoos. Suddenly and unexpectedly out of nowhere demons pulled my car (with me in it) to safety. “Hey, where's Jesus?” I asked. “He'll be here in five minutes,” they answered. “Five minutes?” I guffawed & pshawed. “He may as well not bother!”

TOOK 10 TESTS PER DAY FOR 8 MONTHS TO PROVE THAT HE'S NOT SENILE (not even a little bit). Jill was there and so was Hunter, each of them witnessed how well Joe did. He answered all of the questions with ease. He's very sharp, like a spinal surgeon or a Subaru mechanic.

It's no secret that Johnny Carson loved alcoholism and took alcoholism lessons for 4 years from crazy-*** **** Van ****, yet failed to become an alcoholic.  In his diary Carson scribbled in crayon: "I did everything **** told me to do: jumping off the Empire State Building; having lunch with black women; rolling logs off the Empire State Building, and yet nothing made me an alcoholic. It seems that Jesus has other plans for me."

"Dear Lover," Debbie whispered through a feeding-tube, "one day we'll make love in a motel room in France a lot." Suddenly, like a miracle, Kyle's eyes flew open like a helicopter stalling out over the Teton Dam. "Oh Kyle! God does grant prayer requests!" Debbie exclaimed like she was Kammy Harris opening a bag of new knee pads. Debbie, why are you crying? My mother was just eaten by cannibal Pygmies. Oh, is she going to be alright? Yes, I think so. Mom? Are you okay? Yes darling. I'm just a little sore.

"Dear Lover," Debbie whispered through a feeding-tube, "one day we'll make love in a motel room in France a lot." Suddenly, like a miracle, Kyle's eyes flew open like a helicopter stalling out over the Teton Dam. "Oh Kyle! God does grant prayer requests!" Debbie exclaimed like she was Kammy Harris opening a bag of new knee pads. Debbie, why are you crying? My mother was just eaten by cannibal Pygmies. Oh, is she going to be alright? Yes, I think so. Mom? Are you okay? Yes darling. I'm just a little sore.

"Dear Lover," Debbie whispered through a feeding-tube, "one day we'll make love in a motel room in France a lot." Suddenly, like a miracle, Kyle's eyes flew open like a helicopter stalling out over the Teton Dam. "Oh Kyle! God does grant prayer requests!" Debbie exclaimed like she was Kammy Harris opening a bag of new knee pads. Debbie, why are you crying? My mother was just eaten by cannibal Pygmies. Oh, is she going to be alright? Yes, I think so. Mom? Are you okay? Yes darling. I'm just a little sore.

I thought Mormons would protect me from Scientologists, but they wouldn't. I was walking home and singing an anti-Scientology song with my 9 Mormon buddies when a gang of ****** Scientologists appeared from the sewer. "Run!" The fattest Mormon yelled and off they all went forcing me to face the ***** Scientologists alone. Unfortunately, I had to brutally **** them all. That's why Scientology is going out of business.

Live life to the fullest by saying "Good-bye!" to high car-insurance payments and "Hello" to disease-free prostitutes. Say "*******!" to one-armed prostitutes and "Go to hell!" to Walmart garden department assistant managers. Scream "I love you Queen Liz!" even though she's dead and "I hate you King Bucky!" to buck-toothed Chucky while you dine like a pasha: ******* back brandy & wine; hiding in a rickety shed slapped together with pine.

Daddy, can we go to the new lesbian car wash? Sure. Where is it? Across from the old lesbian car wash. At the new one, trained lesbians will lick our car clean. I find that hard to believe. Well, I lied about them being trained but they will lick our car.