How would you like Ted Bundy shoved up your ****? That doesn't even make sense! How could you shove Ted Bundy up my ****? No, no, I meant Ted Kennedy, not Bundy. What?! That's even crazier! Ted Kennedy weighed 400 pounds! Okay, make it Ted Bundy then. How'd you like it if I shoved him up your ****? Fine. I'd like it just fine. Go ahead and shove Ted Bundy up my ****. Don't worry. I was just kidding.

(written after he crapped-out): I've always wanted to do something nice for my next-door neighbor, but I don't want her to think that my intentions involve romantic love. Should I throw beer bottles at her when she's taking out the garbage? - Sincerely, Carl Van **** .... Dear Mr. Van ****: When I married Marlo I weighed 270 pounds. I hope that provides perspective. - Lovingly yours, Phil

Acquire a belt and USE IT to hike up those ratty jeans, as no one is interested in your raunchy, thread-bare, fly-blown, floral underpants. Just how many tattoos are too many? DECIDE. Cut back on the fluoridated water too as it impairs cognitive abilities & calcifies the pineal gland. Reject serums because they're preserved with mercury.

I spend money like a drunken sailor dating a conniving cheap-skate
who flashed her 'possum in Pittsburgh alleys at ****** she did hate
God Bless all animals that were in the loving care of Lizzie Borden
'cause we are afflicted with a Jesuit pope who's always busy lordin'
In the dark all prostitutes are equal, dependin' on how you're sortin'
as gonorrheal discharges mean nothing to the babies they're abortin'
'cause amputees leaned on stuff before Lucy Ball wed Gary Morton
& hatred grew 'twixt Desi & Lucy when Lucy & Gary were courtin'
before Desi could win back Lucy's hot love which was only sportin'
even though it was with *****-***** that Lucy caught Desi cavortin'
in Cubano bars under tables tequila-drinkin' & *******-line snortin'
on the Black Isle Peninsula of boggish ol' Scotland's West Shoreton
home to sodomitically-apt girls espousing an Apocalyptical portend
that's ******* than Barb Walters' make-it-up-as-you-go-along reportin'
on a rookie L.A. pig with C-4 is preferable to a fugitive with a 4-10

When Donna Douglas met Max Baer she was a dumb teenager with big moles on her rear end. Max was very kind and asked if she'd like to go on a picnic to which she said yes. Once on the picnic grounds, Max exhibited his mega-strength by lifting a dead squirrel high above his head before throwing it off a cliff. Donna was moist from her girly desire to possess Max's muscular body in bed or at a truck-stop and he knew it. That night they made passionate love on a lawn chair that was discarded by Buddy Ebsen 3 weeks before because it was shaky.

Our romance was like an apple tree in an avalanche with artificial monkeys in it. We kissed too soon at your mother's funeral when everyone was watching us. That's why I can never look at a dead crone again with the same lust and desire.

The medium cost of whole-house gutter replacement is 445,000 pesos and rising. Recent advancements in Mexican gynecology have tripled the demand for synthetic slate roof panels & asphalt shingles! Men with small testicles have conquered 56% of Juárez. The time to buy gold is now!

A city doctor moved to the country to become a farmer. He figured, “Since I’m going to have a farm, I might as well have animals on it.” So he got in his truck to go looking for animals. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, “***** 4 Sale.” He pulled over and asked the farmer what a **** was. “A **** is a rooster,” the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a **** and put it in the back of his truck. The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, “Pullets 4 Sale.” He pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. “A pullet is a hen,” the farmer replied. “But sometimes a **** and a pullet will fight, so watch out.” The doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, “***** 4 Sale.” So the doctor pulled over again to ask about it. “An *** is a donkey,” the farmer told him. “But watch out, because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he’ll sit down and won’t move until you scratch his belly.” The doctor thanked the farmer and turned around to head home. In the road was a broken bottle and the doctor ran his truck right over it. Pop!!! The sound made the **** and pullet start to fight, and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, “Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my **** and pullet while I scratch my ***?”

― Barry Dougherty, [Friars Club Private Joke File]

Many settlers were eaten by muskrats during the Muskrat War of 1855. Tom, a young pioneer, settled down for a night of restful sleep in his tent when all of a sudden he was eaten by a muskrat, a smart-*** muskrat that would cleverly assume his identity and go on to become a wealthy Abraham Lincoln impersonator.

"...We civilised men, on the other hand, do our utmost to check the process of elimination; we build asylums for the imbecile, the maimed, and the sick; we institute poor-laws; and our medical men exert their utmost skill to save the life of every one to the last moment...Thus the weak members of civilised societies propagate their kind... [Charles Darwin: "The Descent of Man," 1871 ed. vol. I, p. 168]

𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐍 𝐀𝐍 𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐂𝐀𝐑 𝐓𝐈𝐑𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐀𝐍 𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐄𝐗 𝐓𝐎𝐘 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐁𝐎𝐃𝐘 𝐓𝐎 𝐄𝐍𝐉𝐎𝐘: (𝟏) 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞. 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞. 𝐀𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐩 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐚𝐲: "𝐌𝐚𝐲 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐭𝐨𝐲 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟?" (𝟐) 𝐂𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫. 𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫, 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐭𝐨𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲! (𝟑) 𝐑𝐮𝐛 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐨𝐢𝐥 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞, 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐮𝐭, 𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐧. (𝟒) 𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚 𝐧𝐮𝐝𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐧𝐮𝐝𝐞. (𝟓) 𝐈𝐧𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞. 𝐍𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐬! (𝟔) 𝐎𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫 𝐚 "𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐠𝐢𝐟𝐭" 𝐭𝐨 𝟏 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞.

OFF THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING - I love food that's freeze-dried and abounding in fish-swimming & bird-flying hormones. But unfortunately, I got a bad batch that was full of these hormones in the wrong order so now I fly like a salmon and swim like a wren.

DAVID NIVEN NOVELTY ALARM CLOCK. Wake up like David Niven used to: in *****. See the country in a new car! Wake up to the smell of coffee mixed with David Niven's *****. Laugh, love, scratch your *** like a monkey! The time to die is now!

modern brassieres for modern women. Don't ***** around in the dark, sweating till your ******* turn into a different color than they were at the bowling alley! These brassieres have ***-cooling mesh openings to allow for instantaneous cooling (just like the fake astronauts have).

2 Budweiser toilet paper roll holders (1 gay, 1 normal) $6 each; long metal rod for beating people with (beat them till they die) $10; old shoe polish from Kmart (it's very hard, probably no good anymore) $4; water bed for swingers (have *** with lots of women on it who aren't very ****) $80. Contact me now for more stuff later.

2 Budweiser toilet paper roll holders (1 gay, 1 normal) $6 each; long metal rod for beating people with (beat them till they die) $10; old shoe polish from Kmart (it's very hard, probably no good anymore) $4; water bed for swingers (have *** with lots of women on it who aren't very ****) $80. Contact me now for more stuff later.

Hello I'm Fred and this is my dog hospital. What do we have here? It's a dog Fred. I can ******* see that! I own a ******* dog hospital for ****'s sake! Sorry. My dog's sick. I think he swallowed a credit card. Let's have a look. Yes, I see the credit card. Should it be removed? No, we'll just leave it there forever you ******* dweeb!