Betty White (January 17, 1922 – December 31, 2021) ate live turtles and toads to maintain "mega-strength." Her sister, who was 78% Italian and 56% non-Italian, often chided Betty for her live turtle/toad diet. 1 day, as Betty was pulling her thong out of where thong bikini bottoms wanna go, a strange man approached her from an unlicensed live turtle-meat corporation. Betty was so hungry that she quickly ate the poor ******* raw to gain additional "mega-strength."

that his toilet won't flush because it's clogged with hundred-dollar bills that he uses as toilet paper. He has so much money that he throws it out the window after using it as toilet paper because his toilet is clogged.

"Oh Gordon," Tammy began, "I thought you were deeply in love with me? The way you painted my house; lifted my fat sister high above your head; punched my mother to make her stop breathing and then punched her again to make her start."
   Gordon looked astonished and amazingly **** with his long ***** and urbane mannerisms. "I'm going away Tammy to a *****-shortening clinic in another country."
   "Oh no Gordy! Please don't have your ***** shortened! I love it so much. It brings such comfort to me," Tammy sobbed while her medium-big ******* hardened like crazy.
   "Listen Tammy: my ***** is too long. Admit it. Two weeks ago a woman with a hairy crotch threatened me with birth-control pills for ten minutes. Ten minutes!"
   Tammy turned away ashamed. "That was me Gordy. I was wearing a fake crotch wig to fool you."
   Gordon chuckled at that. "Here," he said while offering his ***** to her selflessly, "take my *****. Grip it firmly. I promise that I won't have it shortened."
   That August Tammy had a baby who was so black that Gordon suspected that she'd been ******* Negroes and he was right.

How would you like Ted Bundy shoved up your ****? That doesn't even make sense! How could you shove Ted Bundy up my ****? No, no, I meant Ted Kennedy, not Bundy. What?! That's even crazier! Ted Kennedy weighed 400 pounds! Okay, make it Ted Bundy then. How'd you like it if I shoved him up your ****? Fine. I'd like it just fine. Go ahead and shove Ted Bundy up my ****. Don't worry. I was just kidding.

I spend money like a drunken sailor dating a conniving cheap-skate
who flashed her 'possum in Pittsburgh alleys at ****** she did hate
God Bless all animals that were in the loving care of Lizzie Borden
'cause we are afflicted with a Jesuit pope who's always busy lordin'
In the dark all prostitutes are equal, dependin' on how you're sortin'
as gonorrheal discharges mean nothing to the babies they're abortin'
'cause amputees leaned on stuff before Lucy Ball wed Gary Morton
& hatred grew 'twixt Desi & Lucy when Lucy & Gary were courtin'
before Desi could win back Lucy's hot love which was only sportin'
even though it was with *****-***** that Lucy caught Desi cavortin'
in Cubano bars under tables tequila-drinkin' & *******-line snortin'
on the Black Isle Peninsula of boggish ol' Scotland's West Shoreton
home to sodomitically-apt girls espousing an Apocalyptical portend
that's ******* than Barb Walters' make-it-up-as-you-go-along reportin'
on a rookie L.A. pig with C-4 is preferable to a fugitive with a 4-10

A city doctor moved to the country to become a farmer. He figured, “Since I’m going to have a farm, I might as well have animals on it.” So he got in his truck to go looking for animals. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, “***** 4 Sale.” He pulled over and asked the farmer what a **** was. “A **** is a rooster,” the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a **** and put it in the back of his truck. The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, “Pullets 4 Sale.” He pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. “A pullet is a hen,” the farmer replied. “But sometimes a **** and a pullet will fight, so watch out.” The doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, “***** 4 Sale.” So the doctor pulled over again to ask about it. “An *** is a donkey,” the farmer told him. “But watch out, because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he’ll sit down and won’t move until you scratch his belly.” The doctor thanked the farmer and turned around to head home. In the road was a broken bottle and the doctor ran his truck right over it. Pop!!! The sound made the **** and pullet start to fight, and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, “Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my **** and pullet while I scratch my ***?”

― Barry Dougherty, [Friars Club Private Joke File]

𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐍 𝐀𝐍 𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐂𝐀𝐑 𝐓𝐈𝐑𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐀𝐍 𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐄𝐗 𝐓𝐎𝐘 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐁𝐎𝐃𝐘 𝐓𝐎 𝐄𝐍𝐉𝐎𝐘: (𝟏) 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞. 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞. 𝐀𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐩 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐚𝐲: "𝐌𝐚𝐲 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐭𝐨𝐲 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟?" (𝟐) 𝐂𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫. 𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫, 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐭𝐨𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲! (𝟑) 𝐑𝐮𝐛 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐨𝐢𝐥 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞, 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐮𝐭, 𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐧. (𝟒) 𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚 𝐧𝐮𝐝𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐧𝐮𝐝𝐞. (𝟓) 𝐈𝐧𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞. 𝐍𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐬! (𝟔) 𝐎𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫 𝐚 "𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐠𝐢𝐟𝐭" 𝐭𝐨 𝟏 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞.

OFF THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING - I love food that's freeze-dried and abounding in fish-swimming & bird-flying hormones. But unfortunately, I got a bad batch that was full of these hormones in the wrong order so now I fly like a salmon and swim like a wren.

modern brassieres for modern women. Don't ***** around in the dark, sweating till your ******* turn into a different color than they were at the bowling alley! These brassieres have ***-cooling mesh openings to allow for instantaneous cooling (just like the fake astronauts have).

Hello I'm Fred and this is my dog hospital. What do we have here? It's a dog Fred. I can ******* see that! I own a ******* dog hospital for ****'s sake! Sorry. My dog's sick. I think he swallowed a credit card. Let's have a look. Yes, I see the credit card. Should it be removed? No, we'll just leave it there forever you ******* dweeb!

Song by Hazel O'Connor

Hey you, standing there, what you got to stare at?
I'm not shy if your beady little eyes abuse me like some mishap
Cackling laughter behind your hand, you're so funny, you're so bland
Here's the thing you can't understand: You are just a programme
You're a programme, you're a programme
(Programme, programme, programme, programme)
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Your silliest smile
Hey you, standing there, better get some clothes on
Do as you're told, growing old, and read your daily poison
Skeletons locked in the closeted mind, locked in tight, for no one to find
See the blind, lead the blind, gotta be cruel to be kind
Who is mind-blind, who is mind-blind
(Mind-blind, mind-blind, mind-blind, mind-blind)
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Your silliest smile
You are a programme, you are a programme
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Your silliest smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Give me an inch, and I'll take me a mile
Give me the distance from your supercilious smile
Your silliest smile

Song writer: Hazel O'Connor
"Give Me an Inch" lyrics © BMG Rights Management,
Universal Music Publishing Group

Till yesterday I kept my scary spellings to myselff (like spelling MYSELF with two effs). Now (now that I'm a new woman) I can express myself freely like cows do at a dairy (even though they're tethered to automatic milking machines).

Will you play "Temporary Lady" by the Ex-Walnuts? I sure will! "You sat in the back of the bus where it was pretty **** shady my temporary lady! Oh yeah, temporary lady! You're so mysterious with your pink hair and stubby mustache like you're really Max Klinger from that crazy-*** T.V. show called 𝓜-𝓐-𝓢-𝓗! I dream of you in a **** strap speeding through an obvious highway patrol speed trap, my temporary lady..."

N.W.O.-owned corporations promote the freshest of youthful faces
having Hillary F. Clinton lesbian relations in crowded public places
Moral citizens must subdue these shrub-scouts with military maces
then bind them together with cheap lamp cord, twine & shoe laces,
before scrubbing the scene clean to obliterate all ****-diving traces
from mobs bleeding the white-funded black & sallow yellow races,
they take up  phony causes in nine of ten clinically-disproven cases
running Manchurian patsies & *** kittens through menticidal paces

Quash David Rockefeller's C.F.R. & New World Order mobocracy
Reject the totalitarian 51-over-49 rule that's modernized democracy
that sets in stone by presidential directive this American plutocracy,
through indoctrinating pederasty & lesbian *** to beget pornocracy
N.W.O.-owned corporations promote the freshest of youthful faces
having Hillary F. Clinton lesbian relations in crowded public places
Moral citizens must subdue these shrub-scouts with military maces
then bind them together with cheap lamp cord, twine & shoe laces,
before scrubbing the scene clean to obliterate all ****-diving traces
from mobs bleeding the white-funded black & sallow yellow races,
they take up  phony causes in nine of ten clinically-disproven cases
running Manchurian patsies & *** kittens through menticidal paces
During 1 bowel movement it was Martin Luther King, Junior's day
Quickly I finished a bowel movement as I worked for neighbor pay
These broad swords are no bowel-movement match for slim sabers
as all mates in the throes of bowel movement sing like Jim Nabors
on steroidal ointments that haven't made normal pigs into gay boars
sashaying along wharves in the guise of San Francisco Bay ******
soliciting gay Rabbinical Jewish mariners on sight-seeing day tours
while propositioning ******-hating, Jesus-loving Christian sailors