Thirty-three thousand centuries before toilet paper was invented (toilet paper that's seventy-five billion times softer than a mother's kiss) hungry farmers grew corn in massive fields that stretched for billions of miles. Those were tough times back then when women with extra vulvas were extremely popular in Pennsylvania's southwestern coal-mining sectors.

A city doctor moved to the country to become a farmer. He figured, “Since I’m going to have a farm, I might as well have animals on it.” So he got in his truck to go looking for animals. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, “***** 4 Sale.” He pulled over and asked the farmer what a **** was. “A **** is a rooster,” the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a **** and put it in the back of his truck. The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, “Pullets 4 Sale.” He pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. “A pullet is a hen,” the farmer replied. “But sometimes a **** and a pullet will fight, so watch out.” The doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, “***** 4 Sale.” So the doctor pulled over again to ask about it. “An *** is a donkey,” the farmer told him. “But watch out, because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he’ll sit down and won’t move until you scratch his belly.” The doctor thanked the farmer and turned around to head home. In the road was a broken bottle and the doctor ran his truck right over it. Pop!!! The sound made the **** and pullet start to fight, and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, “Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my **** and pullet while I scratch my ***?”

― Barry Dougherty, [Friars Club Private Joke File]

A DIVINE MIRACLE OF AVIATION IN OLD NEW YORK CITY - Tim Browne flew his mighty airplane directly into the Empire State Building at 400-miles-per-hour. “Is everyone alright?!” He asked as wreckage was still hitting the pavement. “We're okay back here!” A young woman yelled from the rear. “I've never felt better!” Another passenger reported. “That's odd,” Tim said to his pretty girlfriend at his side. “I thought that crashing directly into the top floor of a very huge building at 400-miles-per-hour would surely have killed us all, considering the mega-extreme impact!” Later, it was determined by the federal aviation inspectors that Tim was pretty lucky to be alive 'cause crashing a plane at that deadly speed always kills everybody!

Will veterinarian-approved treatments prolong my dog's suffering? Yes, veterinarians are like you and me except they are forbidden to use toilet paper by law, so instead they simply jump into Lake Michigan after each bowel movement. Can a veterinarian have *** with a woman? No, veterinarians are unable to do that. If I marry a veterinarian, what will our children look like? Dogs. Will a veterinarian ever be the president of Urugay? No. Veterinarians, although they're like you & me except when it comes to toilet paper usage, are intellectually inferior to all people, except Haitians.

...𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐟 𝐌𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐬
Wherever I goes this is about the length of Maltese noses. If I hated
you more along the surf-tide of a Pacific-coast fizz you'd chalk it up
to Biblic points revealing an Occidentalized Lost-Sea-Scroll gnosis.

📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚­📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚­­📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚­📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚

after buying for me a better purse. I felt my internal organs and they felt okay. I looked into the bomb crater and your uncle was gone, just like that. Here today, gone tomorrow. I hope that everything works out soon for you because you have a bowel problem. Please have my luggage destroyed. I can't face the responsibility of asking the garbage man for help a second time.

that will come at the conclusion of my prophetic testament to the luscious maidens of Sumatra before Satan plunges them into inescapable darkness because no broken spine's going to stop me from climbing Mount Everest! You can fire bazookas at me and run my mother over with a snow mobile and I won't care!

If I could just have 17,000 last wishes before I die, wish number 14 would be to visit the timeless death machine with my new friend cackling Kammy Harris and just after pushing her in I'd run like an African American as fast as I can.

Together we experienced so much happiness on our trips to Scranton to see the Joe Biden Museum where dreams come true. You were so funny when you imitated old Joe. I almost skipped the last trip because I had diarrhea.

A birthday gift! I put a lesbian in a box & nailed it shut for you. For me? You're so nice. I know. I drilled air-holes in the side so the lesbian wouldn't suffocate. You are so wise. This is a wonderfully-thoughtful gift for any lesbian.

Live life to the fullest by saying "Good-bye!" to high car-insurance payments and "Hello" to disease-free prostitutes. Say "*******!" to one-armed prostitutes and "Go to hell!" to Walmart garden department assistant managers. Scream "I love you Queen Liz!" even though she's dead and "I hate you King Bucky!" to buck-toothed Chucky while you dine like a pasha: ******* back brandy & wine; hiding in a rickety shed slapped together with pine.

Granny left me
more money
than you be-
cause she loved
me a lot, that
much is true

Mama left me
big money, 300
million more than
she left you, be-
cause she loved
me like crazy, we
both know that
it's true

Wiener King & Muzzle Man died today in a vat of butter at the butter dairy where Maria Hopkins lived under her desk in office six. Nobody with an ounce of oleo could've shaved either of them 'cause their beards were tangled. Love's one thing, not the only thing.

I extended my left luggage finger at the airport till I got noticed by a multi-trillionaire with a large **** and big leather luggage. He was so manly in a masculine way that I swooned like a teen beauty queen who just got her ear lobes widened. "Hello **** airport babe!" He said with his large **** bulging out like crazy. I was so excited by seeing this that I confessed to being a multi-quadrillionaire. That night we made passionate "large ****" love near a dumpster behind Pizza Hut for 10 minutes.

Many things. Gynecology isn't just for dentists who like women. It's for men who enjoy big-game fishing and bowling-pin setting. It's for ex-lesbians with bullet scars on their butts.

to anyone who wants it. This is no ordinary dog mat. This one is autographed by Jay Leno and Tito Jackson with big hand-drawn red hearts on it and a smiley face that looks like Tito. I'm giving it away because I've become lame in my left leg. I'm having a doctor look at it in 3 weeks so I can't keep the dog mat. My uncle says that he would watch the mat for me till I'm able to walk normally again but I told him to ******* so that's that. Anyway, the dog mat's pretty nice and if you take it within the next 45 minutes I'll throw in a magazine with 3 ex-lesbians on the cover.

Born in October 1956, Janet Aimee Stephenson started out as a model and actress before moving into film-making. Do you have the 1980 Roxy Music album 𝑭𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒉 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑩𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒅 in your collection? The nearer of the two girls is Aimee Stephenson. In the 1980's Aimee and her boyfriend Tim Jackson (producer of Dead Dog Blues) worked in the States on some Roger Corman productions although I don’t know which ones. In 1991 they teamed up with a guy called Sean Manchester who had written a non-fiction book about the so-called "Highgate Vampire." The plan was to make a documentary, and possibly a narrative feature film, about the subject but it never came to anything for various reasons.

In 2001 Aimee and Tim were in Peru, researching a book. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝘂𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗻 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗴𝗮𝗹 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝗲𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗰𝗵 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗹𝗼𝗱𝗲𝗱. 𝗔𝗶𝗺𝗲𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝘂𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗿𝘂𝗻𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗹𝗮𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝘂𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝟰𝟴% 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗿𝗱 𝗱𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗲 𝗯𝘂𝗿𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲, 𝗮𝗿𝗺𝘀, 𝗹𝗲𝗴𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗼. 𝗧𝗶𝗺 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝟭𝟳 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝘀𝗼 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗯𝗮𝗱𝗹𝘆 𝗯𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗱. 𝗗𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗶𝘁𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻𝗷𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗺𝗯𝘂𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗰𝗵 𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘂𝘃𝗶𝗮𝗻𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘂𝘃𝗶𝗮𝗻 𝗺𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲. 𝗔 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗺𝗯𝘂𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘂𝗽 𝘀𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗼𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗿 𝗱𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗮𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝗮 𝗵𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗶𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗽𝗶𝘁𝗮𝗹. 𝗔𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗮 𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗸 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲, 𝗔𝗶𝗺𝗲𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗳𝗹𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗲 (𝘃𝗶𝗮 𝗦𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘇𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗱) 𝘁𝗼 𝗦𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗯𝘂𝗿𝘆 – 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆. I can’t imagine the pain she must have gone through, or what Tim Jackson and her other friends and family must have suffered watching her agony.

- Posted by M.J. Simpson

after buying for me a better purse. I felt my internal organs and they felt okay. I looked into the bomb crater and your uncle was gone, just like that. Here today, gone tomorrow. I hope that everything works out soon for you because you have a bowel problem. Please have my luggage destroyed. I can't face the responsibility of asking the garbage man for help a second time.

I spend money like a drunken sailor dating a conniving cheap-skate
who flashed her 'possum in Pittsburgh alleys at ****** she did hate
God Bless all animals that were in the loving care of Lizzie Borden
'cause we are afflicted with a Jesuit pope who's always busy lordin'
In the dark all prostitutes are equal, dependin' on how you're sortin'
as gonorrheal discharges mean nothing to the babies they're abortin'
'cause amputees leaned on stuff before Lucy Ball wed Gary Morton
& hatred grew 'twixt Desi & Lucy when Lucy & Gary were courtin'
before Desi could win back Lucy's hot love which was only sportin'
even though it was with *****-***** that Lucy caught Desi cavortin'
in Cubano bars under tables tequila-drinkin' & *******-line snortin'
on the Black Isle Peninsula of boggish ol' Scotland's West Shoreton
home to sodomitically-apt girls espousing an Apocalyptical portend
that's ******* than Barb Walters' make-it-up-as-you-go-along reportin'
on a rookie L.A. pig with C-4 is preferable to a fugitive with a 4-10