All night Ive Just been sitting
here as I blow smoke. I must be a **** comedian  because my life is a joke. My obvious intention is to get ****** up. I am getting closer to self destruct I am just as cold as I am corrupt.  I for a minute lost myself in a blur as I was starting to flicker and fade
Instead of my light dying on it  has stayed. Far from my saving Grace I've strayed. Leading the ghosts I got for the heroes I have decided to trade. Hand well ******* played. I remain unafraid I don't have to sit here and throw shade. This is probably my last escapade. My last ******* crusade. I am a ******* renegade
That can not be ******* saved.
From my intentions I won't be swayed
Once again that enievidable has been delayed.
As the creatures conjure me they betray.
Night terrors rock me in the middle of the day I'm speechless I have nothing left to say
Instead of being good at it I'll only try to behave
what I'm feeling is not to  be displayed.
Listening quietly to the wind serenade.
Thinking back on all the mistakes I have made
The pen mightier than a sharpened stainless steel blade.
Life is still just a ******* cherade. That we've all played. There's a fine line between stupidly and being brave. You can't be the hero if you end up being laid in your grave. To living and dying by the sword you've become a slave. Washed in a ******* tidal wave. I have freely given all I have gave. Now is the perfect time for me to just ******* fade to black
I don't plan on ever ******* come back. That's not brag that's just fact.
Sick of all the chaos that I attract. Even if I am rather in apt I know that there's no doubt I will soon. Adapt.  Here we go again I am starting to feel ******* trapped. Like against me all odds have been stacked. From all angles now I think I am  being attacked. I have to make it out unscathed integrity still intact.
I hear music playing in the background even when the radio isnt on. That probably means that inside my head that something is quite wrong. I just noticed it because I have been this way so **** long. Trying to force myself to belong. Blowing thick clouds as I smoke strong. It's impossible for me to truly move on because I am already ******* gone. I evaporated along with the smoke from the ****. Like the music I always hear in the background I'll play on .

When I was a lot younger I was just getting though a few things that were very traumatic. When I came across something I actually made me feel ******* fantastic. The changes that occured me were pretty much automatic. The changes were so rapid that my whole world was rearranged it was rather drastic.
At that time I could see how my life has become chaotic as well as problematic. I was seriously distracted. In those moments my entire life had been quite deeply impacted. I was still eager to use in fact I was enthusiastic. A lot of it was the situation had been crafted. Off into to space I often blasted. I couldn't see how from my happiness this had subtracted. Looking back I am ****** ashamed of how I sometimes acted. Seriously I'm still flabbergasted at how long this has lasted. Just maybe one day I'll actually get passed it. My thoughts turned erratic my heart beat was sporadic. At that time I could not see that it was ******* tragic. I was still enchanted by its ******* magic. I was handed a habit. I tried to stay lit as ****. The problem was I didn't understand it. Probably because I was the highest ******* on the planet O ended up turning in a. Fanatic that's when I began to panic. This was a completely different dynamic. Entirely psychosomatic I ended up pretty phlegmatic. Now I have just about had it. Not that I'm trying to melodramatic. I am just a ******* addict with a head full of ******* static.

Beats my heart sporadically inside my chest
I know what and how I feel but mere words could never express
I am sick of this seemingly lack of happiness. Peace is just a fabled myth. If it's me you ask for all these years I've sought after it like it was an easy task.
Days seem to go by in a flash.
The beautiful pain burning down til nothing is left but ash.
As the dawn begins to slowly fade like the shadows from the night.
It's entirely possible that my eyes just aren't quite right
I have been gifted with a blessing, a curse of a different kind of sight.
That knows no bounds, no dark, no light
It sees all time both fast forward and behind. Sometimes I think I would rather be blind.
Being separated from these ties that bind
Have me searching for the comfort that very seldom I find. I travel far enough outside of my own mind.
These memories that soon fade into images dark disappearing fast
Were not meant to ******* forever last it does remind us of our past
where it wounds our souls so vast
Such pain we never could have seen in our forecast.
Sometimes my loved ones that are already on the other side tempt me to ride. Ride the pride.
I am hoping God let's all of these transgressions slide.
I try to take it all in great stride.
I struggle to push it all aside
For sometime now I have wanted to reclaim the tears I have cried.
I especially failed although I tried it to no avail.
In vain and desperation I find myself turning in full circles on this carousel.
Until I start to feel rather unwell. To be forever trapped in ones head is a special kind of hell
I want to think I am more than a throwed off character in a disturbing fairy tale. I hate when all the smoke in the room grows stale
Ask me no **** questions and no lies will I sell.
Thick clouds I blow because in fact I smoke strong
I've been standing at this impasse way too **** long
One day I'll figure out exactly where I belong staring off into nothing as I continue to hit the ****.
The person that I once was is now gone.
Perhaps one I'll get something right instead of doing it all wrong
A new rhythm a different melody, another tune
That reminds me that indeed somewhere out there is a neon moon. I go Stark raving mad and start laughing like a ****** toon
It feels like I'm being crushed under the weight of the pending doom
That has me completely closed in inside of the room
So that it is almost as dark as a tomb.
There are no rays of tainted light to cut through the gloom.
Randomly little pieces of myself are beginning to disappear so while looking out windows clear
I wonder if anyone that is there is even really here
The words that I write couldn't be more sincere I hold on tightly to the things I cherish and those that I hold dear.
Hold my throttle, Hold my beer, Hold my sorrow, hold my fear.
Hold me close as I hold you near.
Days often fly by like minutes and sometimes minutes drag on for what feels like days.
Not one of us is perfect we are all set in our own ways. I think I somehow I
fell right into the craze
I find myself reeling in a fantastic daze
Head up in the clouds of a purple haze
This is no passing phase. Silver tongued I can easily coin a phrase.
So often my chosen path leads me astray. The YouTube song list just blares away stuck on replay
As is soothes the savage beast that currently I'm trying to hold at bay.
Every other sentence I write sounds at least to me so cliche
It doesn't matter though no one listens to me anyway
I would much rather rule the night than seize the day.
Every word that is softly utter drips with so much disdain. It would do no **** the good for me to complain.
In this hell of my own creation I am destined to remain
These shadows truly seem like they contain
The more nortious bits of me that are often quite ****** and profane
My world will never again feel the same
Not since I lost my cousin Billy Wayne. To say the least that is a **** shame. Rather it's another Dimension or a different plane
I am here just writhing in the pain. It leaves me often as start to entertain these thoughts so **** inhumane. It's not an action that I could even explain. It all rattles around loudly inside my brain. I am not sane going crazy I am only crazy when I go sane. I thank God for this Mary Jane I have wrapped in cellophane.
A rose that you call by another name is just as sweet for it smells the same
Sometimes I wonder if I am really fine when talking to inanimate objects myself I often find
They say to error is human but to forgive is divine.
I believe that with this whole heart of mine.
I push down so **** deep all of this emotion
Pushing it deeper than the deepest ocean
Truly alive now where at one time I was just going through the motion.
What's going on there seems to be a lot of commotion
It's like somehow I was the one that was chosen. in a Single moment I was frozen
our destiny's are already woven
That sent a spark that triggered the implosions
That have broken me wide open
Sometimes I think that all of  us human are bound to make mistake after mistake
In my very ******* wake I leave everything on completely devastate
Especially as of late I have no doubt these problems of mine I alone create.
More often than not it's when I am not thinking straight and I am unable to concentrate
Life is what I complicate when these evil thoughts I contemplate
Feelings go ignored unable to regulate
The voices inside of head spark a debate
As their meetings I facilitate
I hate to hurry up just so that I can wait
I can't help but to ******* self medicate
Isn't addiction just great
When the voices I hear in my head adopt plans of homicide them I must exonerate
I try at least to keep them half *** on sedate
I'm a **** up you're **** straight
I've made a mess of my mental state
I don't wish to repeat my history
I have more than enough pain and misery
If just someone could save myself from me
Save myself from me and set me ******* free
There are so many things I  knowingly suppress
Still quite a few issues that I need to address
I just don't want to end up beginning to obsess digging in deep inside of my brains recess until I finally just ******* regress
Another world I see when I look towards the wild blue yonder as off this yellow brick road I begin to wander
There are deep thoughts I often ponder
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
I don't know what else I should say perhaps I've already said it all
Hopefully I will be able to stand tall perhaps if I move I will not falter nor will I fall. I just pray that this time I don't end up losing my mind in the bathroom stall of some forgotten yet rather ungodly hall
I strive to do better, to be more, to keep in sight what I am fighting for
Reminding myself as well as others that God opens a window when he closes a door.
I have no doubt I can feel it deep down inside my very core
We all wonder sometimes what kind of fate Destiny has in store
To God in heaven I implore
Please I can't handle going through anything painful anymore
Just like I am standing still time passes me right by
That is when I'm in desperate need of iron clad alibi
Some sort of fabricated fiction or even a down right lie
Would be better than saying I was out somewhere climbing higher to get myself high
Forever chasing smoke clouds and spirits but I don't know why
With all of my sin
I must contend
Not giving up but pushing on until the end. I hope that when I blowing in the rising wind I don't break that I just bend
Family decision we all have a different vision
All of us diseased by some sort of addiction
This woebegone tale is fact Instead of fiction
In fact it appears to be a family tradition
I myself am on another mission
To rewrite our story a drug free edition.
I am done I've said just about all I care to say tonight
My soul I truly did outpour with every word that I did write
Finally dwindling down the flames burning in my hell aren't so bright, they only slightly illuminate the night. I am higher than a ******* kite but that is quite alright for it is time for bed sweet dreams and good night don't let the bed bugs bite.

Heavy on my mind all these thoughts have weighed.
  Instead of being good just try to behave.
Life is really just a ******* charade
Everyone always trying to throw shade.
Randomly the memories just invade
as I am attempting to evade.
It's here that I cannot be swayed
for every lost soul I have Prayed.
I continue to masquerade
as down my face the tears cascade.
Listening on!y to the wind deep in its seranade.
I travel on this my own escapade,
probably my final crusade.
I have never been ***** made.
I remain unafraid.
I'm a ******* renegade.
I hope all my transgressions I hope have been forgave.
I may be a sinner faithless but I am washed in the blood of Jesus so I'm someone you cannot enslave. It's still a hand that has been well played.

Cold chills run up and down my spine like someone is a walking on my grave.
Me from myself can someone attempt to ******* save.
This dirt road I took it on myself to just have it paved. Far from it's beaten path I have strayed.
My hero's for ghosts I really did trade.
I think perhaps my welcome I have over stayed.
There is still blood staining my switchblade.
To pitch black I'm here just trying to fade
Every year that passes feels like it has been a decade. By the creatures that I conjured I have been betrayed. Covering the  stench is death's bouquet.
I can still smell the corpses as they decay.
No one listens to me anyway.
Every other sentence so cliche.  
Falling from the sky mayday mayday, mother ******* daymay.
I refuse to put myself on display.
Like a flame burning out I flicker til I am blown away.

Thick clouds I tend to blow for I just keep smoking strong.
I am trying to just keep moving on.
The person I used to be, She is long
gone.
Searching out the place she might feel like finally she does belong.
Rather it been right or just plan wrong
Up all ******* night long
I stare off into nothing just ripping the ****.
Grass always greener  when it is Someone else 's lawn.
Brains over brawn.
I have gave chase to what I think could have been a supernatural phenomenon.
Someone help me catch this ******* leprechaun.

I have been through so ******* much that I still I am writhing in ******* pain.
Mere words alone just could never truly explain.  
The sorrow that not even both my heart and soul can seem to contain.
Every word I utter drips with much disdain.
It's really quiet a **** shame.
Not one single things every remains the same.
I often find the thoughts so inhumane
are usually the ones I attempting to entertain.
I talk to spirits that exist in a completely different plane.
I am not sane going crazy I  am only crazy when I go sane.
A rose that you call by another name  emits a fragrance just the same
Hazel -Green eyes can't even cry in the ******* rain. Twisted thoughts keep rattling around in brain.
It's so hard for me to try and maintain
unless I have Mary Jane.
**** it Cuz. I still ******* you Billy Wayne.

The calamity of the chaos is in very creation.
These drugs I use for everyday recreation.
I get the highest in the lowest location.
I have no idea how far away is my destination
I don't even have a rough ******* estimation
How quickly begins the so called escalation
When It is already a dangerous situation
I have prayed for a life changing transformation
Instead of the possibility of eternal damnation
I'm currently actively seeking solace as well as salvation

A cause that was somehow better off being lost you see
The only person that I actually aspire to be is just me
I m not sure that I have become just who I am suppose to be
That's just part of this so-called  broken ******* mentality
That has led the way to my very distorted sense of reality
Placing all these principles before such varied personalities
How could I create such a travesty and tragically
Throw a ******* from a balcony so ******* casually
Callously creating another casualty. A ******* brutality
It's another ******* fatality  that has become an actuality

Right out of my fabricated skies, I have a bird's eye view.
If I was ever to be a shining example it would be a lesson in what not to do
What the right way is I can honestly say I haven't a clue
I'm just going to continue to do what I am used to
Then when I get the to fire I'll just walk right through
Surprisingly enough the times I've ended up getting burned are very few
In indelible ink your book has been written. just as in blood mine has thus far been penned
From the very beginning to where it will someday finally end
Words I have whispered have been carried off by the rising wind There have a few people I once met that I never heard From again
You tell me is that an epic fail or a solid win
I really do not know I guess it would just depend
I have lost myself somewhere in this world of make believe and pretend
It's so much better than the broken reality I once lived in
With these demons of mine I must contend
Before I break I.just wonder just how much I can actually bend
The room is perfumes with the scents of sweat *** and
sin
Way down deep I hide this pain within

Now is the time I may need someone to be an iron clad alibi
Rather they spin a fabricated work of fiction or tell a down right lie
I'm sure it sounds better than I was out climbing higher just to get myself high
I am here still chasing smoke clouds and spirits yet I don't know why
I keep trying to separate me from myself and I
I tried to go back and reclaim every tear I did once cry
Never once could  I ever get passed the by and by
Cuz I swear when you passed a part of my soul did actually die
High as **** through these tragic skies I fly

I tried not shed  not one more tear but the grief the sadness and the pain combined sent me a message that was all too clear
In these Windows bare tainted moonlight shines is anyone that a there right now even really here.
Hey hold my throttle, hold my beer
So for just one more moment I can hold close as those I hold dear.
I wonder is the end really drawing near.
I ******* miss you cuz
These words I write have never been so sincere
I must be losing my mind bits of me are starting to disappear
It feels like it's been at least a decade since the passing of yesteryear
I have pretty much made it my career
To sit here until the dust settles and the smoke begins to clear
This whole **** time I've as here in low -gear
Guarding this premiere of wayward life on this forgotten frontier
If I was truly a long lived Pioneer
Easily I would persevere
I would ride though quite sincere
Warning others like a modern  day Paul revere

The dead do not see they just seemingly seem to stare
The secrets that I harbor to ever seem  Spill I will not dare.
emotions that are just as raw as they are bare
Feelings i do not care to share
I don't have a minute that I can even spare
My heart is sinking into the depths of my very despair
The pain I feel there is nothing that can compare
I  could burn the whole world down with a solid flare
I know the places I have been but the places I will go I don't know where
Tension  is so thick in the air
I can't hear anything but the music blare.
Even though I am wide awake I fall into nightmare
Nefarious shadows seem to be lurking everywhere
of these dangers please try to be aware

Thick clouds of smoke I blow because I tend to smoke rather strong
So rather this be right or this be ******* wrong
Awake I have been  all night long
Just staring off into the nothing hitting the ****
This seems to be the place that I actually belong
I have tried my **** best just to move on
I hate to admit it but the person I used to be, She's long gone
She left right  before the break of dawn
Inside of herself she had already withdrawn
The greenest of all grass is usually someone else's lawn
Here I am. I am just rambling on and on
Off into the wild blue yonder I wander when l stepped off of the yellow brick road
They say if you never slow down  you'll never grow old
I guess I am ready it is time to *******  lock and load
Like laundry I know when to fold
The older I grow end up just much more corrupt  I am cold
If you hadnt asked me any questions no lies would I have sold
the bombs in my head simultaneously explode
I have come to a crossroad
p time in this earth is just in fact borrowed
The sinister darkness it does seem to forbode
Around the lost souls I have quietly tiptoed
Teetering on the very brink of psychotic episode
Cracks big enough to hide bodies in are in my moral code
I will reap just what I have already  sowed
my mind is already on complete overload
No one has to tell me I already know that I am thrower
I went straight off into beast mode
Everything about me is completely uncontrolled
Into the dark dead night So alone I've stro!let
My location  undisclosed
Corpses of mine enemies are starting to decompose
I suppose that's just the way that it goes
Who really ******* knows
I have been indisposed I am no doubt unopposed
Yes I really am one of those
Awake for days on end now I am starting to doze.
I've got places I need to go
Buzzing off of these highs and lows
Please no more tells of woe.
Let's just listen to rock and roll
While we rock the bowl

leaving some of us wishing that we were dead.
some slivers of images that have come to pass
flying by, haunting for they never seem to last
Teardrops fall full of so much pain
masquerading as unpredicted rain.
like shattered glass rain down torn bits of my soul
The comfort I have found comes from rocking this bowl

My heart is beating inside my chest so sporadically,
my thoughts are twisting up quite erratically
Who knew that my life would be affected so dramatically.
it was almost ******* automatically.
Everything  progressed so drastically.
I did everything that I did quite savagely.
It was all turning out fantastically.  
who knew my story would be so poetic tragically.
Did you know I was a walking talking catastrophe.
so of course There a parts of my life quite unsatisfactory

Confusion sets in
where to begin
uncomfortable in own skin
Buried deep within
scent of *** and sin
Cannot let them in
will never let them win
Insanity over again
beginning of the end

I was born with a lyrical mind
All of the **** time
I write **** out in lines, Lyrics and rhymes
Someone like me would **** sure be hard to find
For I am sick, twisted and one of a kind
I have a lot of issues, I wish I could just leave behind
We already know time is not something that we can rewind
My character was assassinated now I'm hard to define
**** this unhealthy lifestyle of mine

This **** fairytale
Is demented as hell
I turn full circles on the carousel  
Until I start feeling rather unwell
Hoping I don't fall into these worlds somehow parallel
I really tried but to no **** avail
I would have to say that's an epic fail
My mind has been a prison that for so long kept me well
To spend 24/7 in your head is a special kind of hell
Inside of the nefarious demons dwell
Ask me no questions and no lies will I sell

I ride across the desert but unlike the horse I have no name
A rose called something else would smell just the same
I admit mere words alone could never begin to explain
This strange rattling I hear inside my brain
I'm not sane going crazy because I'm only crazy when I go sane
I am just here writhing in all of this pain
Rather I'm in a different dimension or just on another plane
It doesn't matter because nothing feels like its the same
Ain't that just a ****** shame
These **** thoughts that a pretty much inhumane
Are sometimes all I seem to ever entertain
**** It I miss you more and more everyday Billy Wayne

I am just a **** up getting ****** up to **** up I am rather inclined
I guess that's just the way that fate has always had it designed
I keep traveling outside the parameters of my own **** mind
Searching for something I will probably never ******* find
in the sinister darkness I find myself strolling blind
looking for the path to which I have been assigned
These memories of mine serve to remind
That bound by blood I am to these ties that bind

I blow out thick clouds, I smoke strong
It seems to sometimes help, e to just carry on
Especially when at this impasse I have stood way too **** long
Staring Off into the the nothing pretending that nothing is wrong
Just steadily hitting the **** ****
wondering where it is that I ******* belong
Whoever I once was that person is now long gone
LIke a **** cartoon I have been ******* drawn
Just chilling wide awake in the wee hours before dawn
Inside of myself I have almost completely withdrawn

Most of the **** time I am no doubt higher than a kite
Still mess with me and I'll cut you from ******* to appetite
They have always said that my eyes just aren't quite right
The hurt in my soul I pour out with every word that I write
The White Hot flames in my hell **** sure burn bright
As I hide my self away in the shadows of the darkest part of the night
You cannot take me down at least not without a hell of a fight

I am a hermit, I am a recluse
This **** drug abuse
Is just a crutch that I use
Neck in the ******* noose'
What's good for the gander
Is good for the goose
Wish these demons would just turn me loose
Like a time bomb that someone needs to diffuse
I have somewhat gone right back to my ******* roots
For the **** that I have done I have no **** excuse
SO before you wage war on me can we call a truce
Or would you just ******* refuse

Inside good and evil seem to coincide
I'm out reclaiming all those tears that I have cried
Trying the best I can to take it all in stride
It's myself that I always seem to be beside'
The real me I tend to always ******* hide
I'm someone's ride or die that dying to ride
I want to ride the ******* pride
please Dear God let these transgressions slide
So I can see my Cuz on the other ******* side
I know I failed but I really ******* tried
My tragedies and catastrophes seem to just collide
my patience is rather short supplied
There's very few left in which I feel I could ever confide'

Like shards of shattered glass rain down these torn bits of my soul
Colder and more corrupt I am the older that I grow
So incomplete now that I couldn't ever again feel whole
I am spiraling fast right out of ******* control
As for awhile now I have been impossible to console
Trying to soothe my savage beast with loud rock and roll
This pain inside of me is something I can't seem to let go
Falling straight down into another ******* rabbit hole
I find comfort in rocking this ****** bowl

Hole inside of my soul that nothing and no one could ever fill
I am nothing if I am not at least attempting to be ******* real
Even though I self medicate and numb what I don't want to feel
Will the wounds that I seem to forever carry ever begin to heal
Everything surrounding me always seems so **** surreal
My best kept secrets never would I ever dare to spill
Before God in prayer I continue to kneel
Fountain pen still mightier than stainless blades of sharpened steel
I do my very best never to even begin to reveal
All the pain that I desperately try just to conceal
I personally just do not seem the whole appeal
I think perhaps I have gotten the short end of this raw deal
Now I am standing here feeling rather ******* ill

A mess I have made of my whole **** life, What a waste'
Maybe I am just that a waste of ******* space
The cold emptiness is something I am attempting to embrace
For every time I fall so far from this side of saving grace
I end up just trying to somehow just save face
Stuck right here in this pythons place
Where things I used to pursue now gives ******* chase
Catching up to me so quickly It's like I am standing in place
What have I become? How could I be such a **** disgrace
There memories I cherish that I can never ever seem to replace
All of these mistakes that I have made that I just cannot erase

I am just a sinner that has in fact been rather faithless
Running though time that is for a fact completely fadeless
I am running from the ghosts I got for Heroes traded that are now faceless
Even when it has been proven I have side stepped destined greatness
I am thankful that God Remains so gracious
Our sins seem to just enslave us
From ourselves there is no one out that can save us
I am not at all one of those that are courageous
My valor isn't one of those that have been seen as contagious
I am just part of the bloodstained spaces of this forsaken oasis