A wish, to all, "I Pray",
   May your, "Turkey Day",
     be the best in, "Every Way".
       and the scales, "Display"
           how little, "We Weigh".

Forgive me Father
I have sinned

last night I fornicated
with Fat Bertha
and told her I loved her

she cried with joy

when I left her house
I got a taxi to Randy Sue's
and ploughed her till the morning

My son, what sin do you believe
you have committed?

I told my mum I'd be home
for dinner

Father Christmas popped round the other night. It seems he is fed up with all the deliveries and is now going to outsource it to Amazon.
I can't wait until Xmas day to go looking for a smashed up parcel somewhere in my front garden.

A few years ago I found a dog wandering the streets on its own.
I went to stroke him and he cowered.

Oh dear, I thought.

Just then, Fat Bertha appeared on the scene,

"You found my dog. Thank you babe."

She kissed me on the cheek and weirdly, squeezed my crotch.

I looked at the dog, who was now wagging his tail, then looked at Bertha's ample baps.

"Well?", she said, "Do you want to come back to mine for your reward?"

I nodded.

We were at it all night.

When you in a hole
Stop diggin
I've heard a lot of late
Made me think
What if I didn't?
Shovel through
The earths great plate
Where would I end up?
Which is the antipode I seek?
Once I've dug around core
When my journey is complete

I would surface in New Zealand
Well... the South Pacific sea
The nearest town is Papatowai
Its population just forty
I could talk to the ghosts
Of Moa
Tell em of the Liver birds at play
We could watch the world's
Last sunset
As the ocean drains away.