As I write
Streams down my face
A silent cleansing
Of thoughts
Times and roles
I can’t do it
I want to scream
Rage and …
**** my anxiety
Like a tsunami
Drowning my sanity
I hold on
To some electron
Of hope
Waiting for it
To purge out
This exasperating
Existence

I pretend it’s you
little message
Was for me
That tiny splash
The hearts and trees
A couple of teases
Beneficial friend
Or a ship with trails
But really
It’s just a fake hang up
Cuz if you did
You would

I know I’ll be ok

But right now it hurts

I miss that ******

My bro
My confidant
My best friend
My lover

What happened?

I’m looking everywhere for you
Some hint…

It hurts when I find that sliver of you
It’s a slice into my soul

I know we had something real

Finally having a person that likes you
for all of you…
And I mean ALL
It changes you.

He wanted to see my smile and face.
He remembered things about me.
He wanted to know how my day was.
He looked at me and saw ME.
He saw my flaws and still came back around.

And then…

I don’t know what happened.

His pain got in the way
Life struggles

I must move on

But it hurts

And I’ll be OKAY

You **** me off so much
I don’t like that you control me
I don’t think you even realize
What it is that you controlled

And why?
Why is it all based on you?

You are selfish.
You are confusing.
You don’t even know what you want.

And *******
*******
*******
*******

I have to wait

I don’t like it

I should have said no

I should say no

Why am I doing all this ******* crap?

I want to escape from you

Because you **** my heart

Every time.

Why do I forget who they really are?

Or what box they put me in?

That’s your role
Stay in your lane

And I forgot they only like certain questions

And they will always say
“what do you want from me?”

That’s the coup de grâce if I ever saw one

I think about
all the hints and clues
yet
I keep hoping …

But
You just stopped.
It was like You got Your fill
Then You turned off
Maybe it was some **** movement

So

ya just end it?

You Used Me

For money
For access
For favors

i got nothing
few kisses?
and it dwindled

to nothing

should make another plan

Be yourself…
**** that.
No one wants that
Myself….
What is that?
A ******* nutcase
Why do I even try?
I am lame…
And not quite the same
I messed up.
Yet I know
They got around it?
And now
We’re ******….
Because
I will put ‘em off.
And then, that’s it
Because
I don’t do that
The placating ****…
I see it
Want to throw up
Therefore,
I’m done.

(Like an over cooked steak)

Nobody knows
Nobody cares
Yet everyone stares
Until it’s too much to bear
And the weight of your sorrows
Crash into tomorrow

Am I An idiot?
yeah I felt more
thought more
maybe you’d go for more


for keeping you
or trying to keep you
then continue to push you

away

and yet …

you keep coming back

anyone there?
don’t want to be
alone tonight
so I begin

a Dance with a stranger
as we Kiss in step
into a new sugar High
and you…

sweet as a Beast
in a river of Fire
let it Rain down
And let the Storm rage

So be It
Send me over
The Edge
And I’m Hung
Up and Overdue
For You

… let’s figure it out
and in, again

I think…
I don’t want to be …
I’ll be …
But that’s it
No more of the …
Cuz it feels so fake
I’m too confused
I’m …
but not …
We aren’t in a …
And I should enjoy …
They aren’t going to …. … ..
It’s just my …..

Well…
I’m learning …

****!

How do I do this now?

am I dumb?

because I over do it
analyze and overthink
why can’t I ride the wave
emotion overwhelms me
get scared
self sabotage
as I think

THIS

can’t be real
don’t deserve it

AND   he

ruined you
made you think you were
disgusting
and trash
and ugly
and terribly dark

Not a Dark Dream

but a cowish nightmare

I’m crashing
And yet
I keep trying to be this
Thing
A positive receptacle
Though
I find myself
Depleted
Of the
Moxie that is
Me

I want to be seen
while I hide in a cave
To have some Drama
as I dig my grave

Exposed
in my own shadows
As I Dream
in forgotten gallows

No other stoppages
breaking free
I want an Experience
that’s not about me

A forced
Change of perspective
Is like
A shot of adrenaline
Stabbing right through
Your eyeball
Straight to
That cerebral cortex
Which makes you
Stand Up
and say,
“What in the ever loving ****
… was I doing?”

You probably have no clue
How much you hurt me
And besides
Would you even care
If you knew

Like when we were together
You did not
So now I have a deep cavern
And time fades
Memories become surreal

Edges smooth down
Remembering that
‘It wasn’t so bad’
The good times win out
Because your arms felt good

Forgetting your cruelty
The carving of my soul
Losing who I was
Becoming a droid
of your making

As I wake up
Those events were a dream
Right?
They fade into my ether
When I think of your warm body

Is that what I miss?
Just your sinew and skin
The smell of your presence
Because your actions
Did not feel good

And your inaction—
That felt lonely
Or your lack of
communication
Felt like a windowless room

I will cling to those memories
To recall your disgust
They make me stronger
In my resolve
Becoming myself again

And again

What are you thinking?
Nobody really wants you
It’s a quick **** or pic ****
Great ****… maybe ***
Look look lookie loo
And then…
Why would they really want a

Tired, single mom
Who is plain and overweight
Someone who is too much
And lacking at the same time

They will be your friend
You make a great friend
Loyal and honest—wait
Too honest
Pull back

You make a great
acquaintance sidekick/wing person

They will pass the time with you
and you will somehow get them laid
by that hot skinnier one over on the yonder

I hate being Vulnerable
as you can see
each occurrence
adds to my death

I’m ripped open
to bleed out

All over the sky
throughout my halls
splattered over someone’s walls

and I search for the stitches
that will bring me back
to some heartbeat
or even a quiver

Because somehow
I should function
In this Menagerie of Life

after you left me to rot
in the backyard zoo

of your closet

Putting effort in
Law of Returns
Diminishing
Deserving
Caring enough
Falling flat
All the…Yous
All ******* over
It. Me. Us.
But exhaustion reigns
And refills remain
Closed
Break me
From your neglect
Your words
Your mind
Your body
And…Always ok
I Am
Okay

OKOKOKOK

but i want to ….

was that a boy
running down the lane
in that awkward skedaddle
ah! but no
he comes closer
growing sure of step
increased gait
and exposing his personage
the masculinity
now dripping
of confidence
a trail of heat
down into bliss
and alas,
turning into fires
between my cheeks

I don’t believe it’s really true
But I keep searching for it
In caves
On the stage
Behind the door
Through an open window
Perhaps I’ll find it in a closet
Or my shower
I thought I glimpsed it in the north
I keep thinking it really is in the east
Nothing connects
No pattern or concentration
And this is why
I don’t really believe it’s true

wish you would
leave me alone
and I would hate that
want you in my life
but out of it
and away
need your touch
despise it
making me feel like the sexiest
as my ego suffers

I would be all in
and more
I would bring the agony
and ecstasy
You would bring
the joyous devastation

I cried your tears
Filled you with laughter
You gave me

A Yearning

You are the carrot
The oasis
The shelter

Cover me. Feed me. Sate me.

And now….
I know.
And you told me enough.
What I needed to hear from you.
******.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
But hey,
you know,
at least I’m a person.

Accepting fate
Fall into place
Ten day race

Another juncture
When it punctures
And you rupture

This parallel joining
Somewhat adoring
Or call of mourning

Going to drown
Being a clown
Now I found

A new beginning
It’s your trimming
I am Winning

If I can
I will push you off
To see how well
You are balanced
I want to know
If you are already
Leaning over the edge
Will it take a shove
Or just a little pinprick
I might even help you
Walk to the side
Hold your hand
While you take a gander
Tell you that is ok
To peer over the side
Because that’s the easiest
Way to let go

I want to be heard
Take that moment
To listen to my words
Perhaps hear my heart
Beat—in them
The duty of my soul
When my spirit says
“I’m over here”
Then you might
Know me
If you even wanted to

Living this limbo
I want you
So badly
I want you to need me
I need you to need me
I miss you
Without even touching you
I don’t get it
You worm your way in
Every time
I hate it
I love it
And I fall
Into your words
Your song
The whispers you give
Then That look
That ******* look
Like you know my secret
How to maneuver my hallway
Down to my dungeon
I want to give up
Give in
Run away
Please
Don’t Take
my heart

You inspire me
with the brush of your fingertips
Across the expanse
of that systematic galaxy
It’s a dancing melody
that twinkles a song
to the crescent moons of frequency

I’ll think
Why this or that
But then I realize
“Oh, I have a ******* life”
I will keep my quo of stats

Everyday feels like Friday,
Except Friday.
Friday feels like Monday.
I think about a Saturday.
Saturday is a Friday evening.
Sunday feels like a Friday after the party.
Monday thru Thursday blends,
Into one long *** Friday.
But I’m home.
None of this makes sense.
The days blend.
Oh they blend some more.
I keep waiting for the weekend I guess.
When the longest week of my life
Is over.
TGIF

What am I doing
Playing at
Is it play acting
Am I on stage
Enjoyment for one
Like a pendulum swing
No push pull mechanics
Only my own **** mind

And I’m tired
of chasing you
Come to me
when you are ready
when you no longer can deny

Our Chemistry

Don’t jump the gun
Pitter putt dying
Lawn mower pull
Choke it out
Rev the engine
Give me the fuel
I’ll make you roar

Am I out of place?
Knocked askew
Into
An alternate lane
One I didn’t want
Did I need?
All that matters
Is this charging cloud
Lightning bolt
Scoured
Into
A figment attachment
To be opened
At a later Date

I’m afraid
And yet I want it
And am afraid to want it
Yet it calls to me
Every day

Everyday
There was that reminder
Of ****** ******* ****…

So take a ride
A Free Ride
With that Reset button
Saying “**** No”
to the *******
And “Hell Yes!”
To the other *******

You know the ones
The ones on that
Single Free Way
enable that Turbo Boost
Knight Rider
Slam onto the gear shift
to glide over the top
of all the ******* shitbirds

You slid into me
Telling me to
Hold still
Hold
Stay
Move
I clench
You bite
Hide me
Precipice
Hold
Me
Still…

Release it all

Regret that
Now I’m stuck
Removal of points
The parts didn’t equal
It came apart in moments
Stimulation dropped
Like the temp
It meant
nothing

It only happens
When not expected
But it’s a glitch
You know
In the matrix
Of this
****** up Life
Right now
It’s time
To lay down
And believe myself
When I say
...