Wash My Guts: from this Loneliness  

Wash my guts
This swallow never felt so purposeful

Trains myself to be alive
A speeding train feels like my past

Kicked soot
Gone awry

I can't stand here anymore
Too many metaphors
Spinning in my mind


My mind
Stares into scenes I never wished to meet

These are just the patterns of life


Its okay to live even if it hurts
Go ahead
Taste those tears

Put your foot back on the stool

Take your gold tooth out

And fold your hands

Turn your survival chain
Up
back
around

For the family to pass one last time without
Me.

Give up the ghost
I keep going to outside places
Trying to find
The words
I need
to pray

Cause I need something
To find me
Waking
Believing
Being
Your ghost never meant to stay

The other side of a place is a calling
for indifference
That is the other place

I’ve had years of ambiguity
Dark gray rings on laser stripped moonbeams
Tasting the edge of lemon peels
Savouring the after effects on my lips
Like green mint listerine
On my tongue

Unwrapping
the lengths
of my fingers
Feeling like I’ve been tossed away
Still Finding ways of testing
Out
Where the ends connect

Kinesthetic thoughts firing like billiards
Neurons couldn’t keep up
I felt untouched
Without self-worth

Because the specifics have yet to be realized
This was story of my mind
I voided myself

Dissonance felt calm
As wavelengths perused
The earthy sands
Printed their scattered
Particles
Dust flames
Bubbling experiences
Explored moments
Have been the seas
Waiting to erupt into volcanic domes

Lava drenches all that make us: afraid is when the air is nothing but pressure
A temporary frontal sinusitis
Hoping for Freedom from arrested development
Not enough reflection
Felt like Creating everything else
but a still life



I am looking for my other
In another place

I’ve heard for so long:

“You’ve seen so much
Which enables you
To understand so much”


The lack inside
Composed
My cravings
To raise a standard in me
I never knew existed

Acting on all of my learning
Accumulated awareness
as a young adult woman

This is the beauty of  
Transformation

To know when it’s your time
and to do it with care

How to be: True to Love  

Strike me with your electric love.
Create lightning in a bottle, release to feel our energies rushing through
We are beyond this universe.
And Not to be replicated.

Body
The words we call things

What we say defines so much of who we
Claim

99% form
1% human
Listening and reading an outside reality
Observing block by block

Taking it one day at a time

When you get a glimpse of how much observed pain they have
It makes you want to stay away

Flee the scene

Wither into moonlight
Gaslight the words until they feel like …
A dial never received

Pretzel shell our bodies
Collapsed there

Heart to heart
Here
But not for me

Curve em
When they get too wordy
These stories
are…

Hard
wave crushin
on the ear
Repetitive
Like sound bites
Hardened on the inside
threatening to hear

The tone becomes
More and more unnecessary.


They do that thing with their mask on
Corks in the shame
Lasts the night away

Sick in a bed
On a sofa bench
Physical depletion
Hurts the pain
Covers up the fear when there’s nothing left
To say
and a megabit to share
Nobody to blame but them.

Strike out.

But the past and the pastor who told him to keep on prayin’
Stop the lyin’
Embrace the game

Even though it’s killin’ your brain

Like pop up blocks mergin’
From a black jack in the box

And One big sound wave

I’m like a virtuoso
Crippin’
on the break
But I knocked one down
With 20 years to go

I am an unresolved question
With Responses
Ready to flow
Waiting to go
But unprepared to show

Who I am and why I’ve become so unemotional

So burnt out and broken down
When all those blondies used to know
The real me.. now I’m a different Maverick
On the Hill
Father passing
Nothing really matters
He says: I’m cancelling Life out
“And Life has changed for me once again”

Those times
made my story ill
And now all I have is the fear of existence begging me to feel fulfilled
But I never will

Isolation
Attempts to brush away the flashbacks
Of my life
Calling out for help
When glam was my only pill

They’ll move one step forward.
Unsteadily. Still trying to make it.
Running from the shame of their own shadow

You’ve accomplished more than I ever imagined to believe

It is all possible.

And yet “just believing” never helps

I was in a phantasy plane


You knew the landing
page would shift


And bring me back to my life

Take me away

Alive and Glowing

Alive and Ready


This is brain fate
taking action