sometimes I forget,
what I used to do to myself.

I remember the feelings,
but not the tears.
the intentions,
but not the actions.

I told a friend
and waited ten minutes for a reply,
breathing in
and out.

in.
out.

worried that I hurt more people
than just me.

in.
out.

resist, overcome, forget.
That's what you're supposed to do

right?

I’m up at five a.m. and I’m
Laying in my bed
I know you said not to call again
But there’s so much left unsaid
I know I haven’t been the best
At saying what I’m thinking
I guess I have a problem with the
Thoughts inside my head

I never really loved you and
I know you felt the same
So now we’re left with broken words
And a general sense of pain
You said look how far we went
I’m sorry that I came
You wanted to feel safe and loved
I wanted to feel sane.

It’s hot inside this kitchen
I bet it’s warm in your bed
I can’t seem to bar your voice from my head
So say hi to your girlfriend
I hope that she’s okay
I kind of wish I was her,
I think that everyday
I think I’m kind of happy
At least more so than I was
Lately you’ve been looking happy
So who am I to mess that up

I don't feel like I can identify
when all my feelings go awry

I don't feel like I can conform
when nothing else feels warm

I don't feel that I'm safe
when I'm confronted with my face

I feel this, from the bottom of my soul
So I say ***** your gender roles

Sometimes I forget who I am
And then I cry
Because I never remember

I’m laughing and soaring in the air so high
Till you ripped off my wings
And I fell from the sky
I can remember the look in your eyes
When you ripped out my heart
And I fell from the sky

I landed with a crash in a cloud of dust
Bloodied and crying
For someone to trust
Then he came along and instead of disgust
He showed me kindness
And love unjust

A whisper in the wind
that's what you say to me
always in the back of my mind
always in the pit of my stomach

You wear a sick grin
one only I can see
you always feel the need to shine
whenever i'm in public

Wherever I go, you're under my skin
and I am never free
you always want to cross the line
and just make me your puppet

I'm overwhelmed and worried,
when nothing is around
I stand in a void of silence
but somehow hear the sound
of the voices in my head
screaming words so loud
tearing out their vocal cords
in search of what is found.

I have kind of bad anxiety
my life's an intoxicated fantasy
where every single thing I see
I must regard as an enemy

I'm worried what my friends would thing
If they saw how much I drink
these paranoid words written in ink
and throw it up in my kitchen sink
  
  The amount of nights I spend alone
  blasting music from my phone
  trying to drown the consistent drone
  of the voices in a steady tone

   The twisting feeling in the pit of my chest
   A nauseous wave that seems to test
   how much longer I can stay the best
   at hiding my emotions, but I digress.

A quiet stream
a flurried hush
Without a scream
as you lie dying

I need to try
to dress the wound
need not ask why
the wound is there

these self inflicted memories
are nothing but whispers
of past unfulfilled fantasies
how did they become weapons

We're all passed out on the floor
another lonely night
need not ask what came before
we all decided to die

I don't pretend to know
what it's like to use that knife
I tried once, and thought I could grow
But I threw it into the water

A quiet stream
a deadly blood rush
I cry and try to gleam
your true intentions

A mess of colors spill

On this blank canvas

A multitude of pages unfilled

A horde of ideas dead

I put the mess into a frame

Hoping to gain a new perspective

All I really found was pain

And incomprehensible emotions

Another idea flitting by
Going of to soar in the sky
Leaving in my creativity
Another dead ideology

We put people into boxes.
One look at an appearance,
One shake of the hand,

One sentence spoken tells us all we need to know.
When we're proven wrong we cower when we should grow.
Instead of learning, we call one person different and shun the rest,
everyone else like them put into another box where we never test.
Test ourselves if this is wrong, or just a trait that helps us survive.
Because assumptions based on stereotypes are surely the way to thrive.
Everyone has different boxes, and everyone thinks they're right.
We'll tell ourselves anything to help us sleep at night.

The problem lies not with the boxes themselves, (though make no mistake they're not exempt from blame),
The problem is what we do with these cages, and how they're used to inflict pain.
People who don't agree are deemed to be hostile, and thrown in another shed.
We need to talk, find some common ground, be able to disagree without blood being bled.

you just need a boy who can give you his world
I can't guarantee I don't feel like a girl
We'll break up and break down again
drowning the thoughts in my head

I just need someone who can see me for me
How can that happen, I don't know who to be
I'll get high to get by again
drowning the thoughts in my head

a great white wall silently stands

I tried to paint a mural, what an artist
I guess I forgot that my talent departed.

You came along, and you tried to draw too
Painted my mistakes white and started anew.

But your hand slipped, and were unsatisfied
So you covered your shame with another coat of white.

We tried to put thought into colors on wall
but discovered even together we couldn't at all.

After a time, the paint started to peel
giving way to what I no longer feel.

When nobody was there to hear a sound
I came back with a hammer and broke the wall down.

Too busy daydreaming about her
To notice the way she looks at me

Too busy arguing with him
To understand what he’s saying

Too busy preaching to them
To care about their faith

The more love you give me
The more wood I can add to my wall
Thick logs surrounding my heart
Sharp stakes around my mind
I just hope one day
Instead of love you give me the match
To burn it all down

I’ve never been in a relationship, and I know you know it.
Is it supposed to be a radical decision of passion, or more deliberate?
I don’t know how I feel, and I don’t want to hurt you.
I don’t know if you feel the same, and I don’t know if I want to.
I’m not trying to lead you on, but I don’t want this to end.
The way you held me today didn’t feel like we were just friends.
I know it’s cliche, but I’m afraid of committing,
Once I say the truth it has a habit of disappearing.

I feel like I’m always walking in a crowd of people
Who I was
Who I could have been
Who I want to be
All fighting in my mind
Fighting for control
Nowadays I don’t know what’s inside
If what’s deep down inside my soul
Is really me?

Why?

Echoes in my mind.

Why, Why, Why,

I want to like you.

Smart and cute and loyal,

but I do not.

Flirt, Smile, and loving the feeling of being loved.

While knowing I can never feel the same.

The heat these past few evenings
Has me sweating through my sheets
Even inside it still feels hard to breathe
I’ll let my lungs fill up
With the fresh air of the morning
Until the day makes it’s presence known to me

A smile on the lips
And ****** on the mind
**** someone with words
While looking so refined
I walk right past you
Not sparing but a glance
I don’t care for love
But you gave me a chance
“Why do I need you”
You laughed and quietly said,
“You love to love me
But only in your head”
And with that a sigh
I stare back into space
My lonely mind wanders
To some forgotten place

I had a dream
Where all of the fantasies in my head
Poured out of my brain and into the world around me
And it became a nightmare

If I ripped out my brain,
would it stay with me now?
would it run and find a better body somehow?

If I tore out my lungs,
would I still breath fresh air?
would I suffocate myself in a corner somewhere?

If I carved out my heart,
would you ask me to stay?
would you try to hold and love me someway?

If I stitched up my wounds,
would I sleep well at night?
would I cry when I see my scars in the light?

It''s hard sometimes
you send me the invite
without proper foresight
I don't understand
nobody sees me
I'm no longer free
to sing what I need

Whenever you're near I lose my mind
It hopped out of my head and lags behind
Following me on my quest to find
the one who made me lose my mind

I took a left onto state street
ran so fast I couldn't breath
I paused and laid down on concrete
I thought I saw you on state street

It was just a false creation
a figment of my imagination
I carve out all of my frustration
pain is just a false creation

So whenever I see you I fill with dread
From all of the words I left unsaid
For all of the nights I spent misled
The way I made you full of dread

A soft breeze
Moonlight cuts through the dark
As a soft layer of snow sits
"Look," She says
Staring up at the stars
Pointing to the constellations
"Look," He says
Staring through the window
Pointing at the warm, bright fire
They get up
She glides through the snow,
He trudges towards the house
"Come," They say
I long for Her curiosity
I envy His self-preservation
"Choose," They say
I glance between the two ghosts
No longer a peaceful night

You always break
And try to take
The things we make
And try to fake
For all our sake
Why can’t you wake
And see the faith
In what we create
You say we sin
That we are a sin
And more akin
To dirt than friend
And what you send
To keep us in
The closet dim
Your hearts of tin

The seasons are changing
The sun has gone away
He needs a vacation
It’s been a long day

It’s sunset in the city
It’s midnight my bed
And I can’t seem to stop your voice
From entering my head

I got drunk in class
For the first time this week
It wasn’t quite as fun
As I’d thought it would be

Now I have a headache
With an inkling of fear
Because I drank up all my liquor
And I can’t find my beer

I used to have a very good friend
But one day he decides to press send
To a text most frightful
Which caused me to spiral
All good things come to an end.

I saw you walking on the street
In a plain gray shirt that seemed unique
And seeing you made my heart beat
Tapping out a rhythm only you can play

Wait a minute, hold the phone
this is a boy that has made me prone
under his dazzling smile my heart is shown
Jesus Christ, I think I'm gay

I see them when I close my eyes
At night when I dream or in day when I turn my head
I know they hear my desperate cries
When I see them fade away into nothing again
I hate to admit that I try
To see your face in their crowd, and to talk to you
My head compulsively lies
Telling me that they are there and that they care

"I only cry over things that aren't real,"
she says with a soft frown
"It's the only thing that I feel
I relate to more than reality."

I nod and watch the wall
"It seems whenever I need to cry
Nothing comes at all
and all my strength is gone."

she smiles and speaks
"I find I cry to easily
and my laugh is always weak
And not as frequent."

I fiddle with my knife
"I laugh to much, and at the wrong times
but can't cry to save a life
even when I want to."

Words are a gift I seem to abuse
notebooks and pens all strained with misuse
my speech is fragmented, a point is not given
yet somehow words cause me to just keep on living

a text from a friend, an email from you
a post from a person who knows what to do
I read an article about people like me
and pray to a god that I'll someday be free

to write what I want and to write it so well
and in such a way that no one can tell
That I'm trying to hard, or I'm just spit-balling
That I cling to these words to keep me from falling.

You say your moving on
I'm happy for you, I guess
But I'm unfulfilled and lacking closure
And that's when I'm at my best

Words come difficult to me
Especially when I speak
But I can't leave the past behind
and move on to what I seek

So many questions
So little answers
And we're running out of time

We lied to much
Didn't cry enough
While we act like we're all fine

You hate me for me
Not for what I did, said, chose
Not for who I love, hate, listen to
You hate me for me
And it feels nice

You make my want to curse
why can't you let me in
I tried so hard to get through
your loud and horrid din
I mean *******
can't you take a clue
why the hell would I be here
If I didn't want to talk to you
No I don't want to get food
Or go out and chill
I want you to tell me what is wrong
or someone else will
I'm sick, I'm tired
and I want you
to tell me what is going on
so I can help you through

I know this is harder
than I will ever know
It's not my right to get mad
It's not like I'm a pro
I just want whats best for you
and for you to talk to me
so I can help you through this
and for both of us to see.

Can you be sober and
Hungover at the same time?
I’ve been clean for five
Weeks and my head’s still spinning
How long does it take to find
Peace of mind?
There’s a war inside my head
I don’t think I’m winning

There was a treaty drafted at
Inpatient care
We both know that it’s
Just for show
These days my lungs have trouble
Finding air
And my legs can’t choose which way to go

The deep red reminds me of my scars,
The bright green reminds you of your pain,
But on this starry night all we see is white.

Not many see what has become of me
Just some more initials carved into a tree
That’s rotting, that’s dying, from an ailment unknown
And nobody knows how much we’ve all grown
Conveniently ignoring the things we can see
Conveniently forgetting where we carved out our memories.

Words
fountains of colors
as you toss your coin
flashes in the midday sun
a swath of silver
a tinge of red
as it lands in the rainbow

where
are
you

cobblestones seem soft
as you sink through the floor
into your tomb
the torch extinguishes
as tears fall
in a river of blood

where
are
you

it seems sometimes They want me
as They hand me a trophy
Gilded Gold
Shining Silver
Crowning Copper

where
are
you

the walls close behind me
as They watch with smiting eyes
and lips curled in song
as i fall down

where
are
you

trees grow but you die
time goes but I stop
life ends but you haunt me

where
are
you

it's time to go
not yet

where
are
you

I'm here

I watched a film today
The film was about love
But it wasn’t a romance.

It had a bittersweet ending,
That left me wanting more
But also full of closure.

I understood the characters,
I lived and breathed their pain
And contemplated their melancholy.

I wish I could find love
But I have to bear the weight
Of a bittersweet ending.

People say "I love you"
as if it were just that easy
for all of them to say
with a completely straight face
that they feel an undying,
passionate emotion for little more
than a passing acquaintance.
"You're just cynical,"
they say
"Because you've never felt
the way I feel"
While that may be true
I believe I see clearer than they do.
or my favorite
"You have attachment issues"
as if ripping your heart out
and sloppily covering it with
last years holiday wrapping paper
and tying it up with a red bow
and handing it to the first stranger who
so much as glances at you
isn't the definition of attachment issues.

But when someone I know
someone I care about
someone I feel an intense protection for
someone who has put up with me for
so long says
"I love you"
It hurts when I can't say it back.

Inside my dream you seek destruction
An endless cycle of death and corruption
I seek to fight, and end the pain
But I am just a small disruption
With a study beat you march right on
Unknowing of all the hate you cause
Or maybe you see the coming rain
A storm of emotions you have spawned

So you’re here again
Here in my mind
And now I can no longer find
My way out of this endless maze
That I seem to be in

I have a torch
You got a light
But everything is out of sight
Because you just light your cigarette
And everything is dark

I feel my life's a convoluted metaphor
complex and tedious and frankly a bore
It seemed smart at first but quickly degraded
a mess of thoughts after you've long been sated
now it's confusing and slightly infuriating
pretentious and sad, still lying in waiting
for a sweet release, a tidy written end
to this convoluted metaphor on which I now depend.

A thousand thoughts surround me
Like crashing waves they drown me
Choking and gasping,
Kicking and screaming,
I fight them off all around me

In a hazy dream I face
Twins of myself, staring with disgrace
One in a tux
One in a dress
Both with a gun to my face

I awake with a sigh to see what id done
Blood and tears glinting in the morning sun
I guess I'm a fraud
Who ******* some god
And loaded and shot that gun

Whether I'm a guy, girl or neither
My souls wandering in the lonely ether
It doesn't matter now
But still I wonder how
I ever thought I could be her