You changed me
And it was for my own good
You controlled my very form
My breathing
Your will became my will
Your needs were my needs
You pulled me, stretched me
Moulded me so that I could
Better feel what was inside you
And now you're gone
It's me that's empty.

In days not long after hopscotch
Stories of wild parties began emerging
Of music played too loud
Friends holding hands
And cider, invented by older boys.

With your long flowing hair and flashing smile
You were always the first to be asked
And I watched from a safe distance
Fascinated by the circle you drew,
Thinking that you had never even noticed me.

Until the day that changed my life.
Preceded by whispers and giggles
I received your invitation, as if one was ever needed
To meet up after school in the Block B Chemistry lab.

The room was dimly lit,
There was a Bunsen burner hissing romantically in the corner
And a spotlight on the desk where you sat,
Surrounded by phials and corked flasks.

Measuring, pouring, mixing, stirring
I had no idea what it was possible to create
As I stood, spellbound, watching over your shoulder
Not knowing how far to go on a first date.

He doesn't deserve a big send off
I'll leave him under
The seat on a bus
At the station newspaper stand
Or better still, a phone booth
At the airport,
Somewhere busy, anywhere
There a lot of comings
And goings
So he can't follow me
Into the sea of bobbing heads.
And I won't look back
Will forget I lost him
Until I check my pockets
Or case when I arrive
Almost as an afterthought
As if I had never
Carried him around
My whole life.
Goodbye fear for good.

I want to spill the beans
Though it's not much of a secret
I'm still head over heels
What a trip!
I'm as high as a kite
I saw the once in a blue moon
I saw the light
I'm literally over the moon
Lost in space.
You are the best of both worlds
Heaven and earth
You bring all my senses into being
Past, present and future tenses
You blow my socks off
I don't care about the cold feet
I wish I could show you the picture
It's worth a thousand words.
But let's not beat about the bush
I missed the boat
And you were on it
I went down in flames
Up in smoke.
I am trying to pull myself together
But I'm still all over the place
Come rain or shine
I will always love you.

When we lay holding hands this morning
I could see that your every breath
Was really a prayer.
Then through the curtains I saw
My love was luminous gold
On the plateau beneath the Luberon
And scented with pine,
Roses and thyme.
I watched it roll down rows of vines
Olive trees and wild rosemary
And become a field of sunflowers near St. Remes,
Then it joined the parade of poplars at Le Thor
Was shouted from the mountains
East of Vaison-la-Romaine
And whispered in the ancient
Narrow streets of  Menerbes.
So I wondered if this was a new beginning.

Do we ever recover
From the shame
Of that first essay
Thrown back,
Covered in red ink
With comments like,
'Spelling mistakes galore,
Writing unintelligible,
Question misunderstood,
Could have done better,
Should have been more?'

Or held up in class
For everyone to see
Read aloud
To a background
Of sniggering relief
As an example of how
Not to do it
And then, 'If this is
Your best, it beggars belief.'

They say some mistakes
Are accepted
Even invited as part
Of the process,
But going back
To when we first met
It seems so many
Have gone uncorrected
That you cannot forgive
Or forget.

A group of elderly people
Have congregated in the doorway
To comb their hair and ask each other
If they had smiled at the right time.
Then they wait for their photographs
To be developed
For their passports to heaven.

The sad muffled figure coming towards me
Can barely put one foot in front of the other
As if he had lived a whole life
Without ever seeing a flight of stairs.
What terrible sins had not been forgiven
That he should be affected so?
All I can do is stand and wait
Knowing he will need wings
If I am to avoid being late.
But he will never look up
Stares instead at every painful uncertain step
As if he has to count each one.
Then I see that what he has dropped
Is a gauntlet thrown down
And in his hand a walking stick
Turns into something more sinister.
On he comes, now with purpose, over the top
Past barbed wire, the earthworks
Into trenches where friends lie
Like sacks on ******* day.
And with a look I always remember
He accepts my surrender.

Sorry if I appear distant sometimes
It's because from up here
Where I am spinning too high
It isn't always easy to find somewhere safe
To crash land, close to you.

We are the blotting paper
Soaking up all the bad news
From our leaking fountain pen.
But here from tomorrow
We have the Rule of 6 -
No more than six people
In one gathering
Or everyone has to go out
And make five new friends,
One of those.

Dark already; I walk purposively
As if I am meeting you
And you are the new season,
While winter crouches in a doorway
Ready to hit me over the head
And steal the last of my summer.

So for modern man
It's 200,000 years
And counting.
The Universe is 13.8
Billion years old
And its 200 billion
Galaxies are 120 billion
Light years across
But don't go looking
For life out there
There isn't any
We are the first
And only
We are the experiment
The clinical trial.

The little toy shop
Took a direct hit in the war
And over the next few years
Just fell into ruin.
I think because the family
Who owned it were also killed
No one wanted to take it on.
And then someone did,
Another toy shop.
It didn't work out though
Maybe memories were still too fresh
Or else people didn't have the money.
They were hard times.
Sadly it was left to rot again.
Since then it's been a bank
Of all things,
A chemist, a hardware store,
A greengrocers, another toy shop
And a bakery, but they all failed.
It certainly wasn't for lack of trying.
And now it's a sweet shop,
A few toys but mostly sweets,
The old fashioned ones
Seem to be making a comeback.
This is where I come in.
I hand the little girl
The ice lolly she asked for.
I am rushing and nearly drop it
Because she is so excited,
She is dancing on the spot
And I'm worried she is going to go through the floor.
Anyway she takes one lick
And screams, 'I love it, this place is magic.'
I think that's the way it will be with us,
When all the pain of you has gone
All that will be left is the love.

She drives down to a room
On Rainbow Hill
And sits in the car staring
At raindrops on the windscreen
Which look like tiny
Planets in the darkness,
And she feels like an astronaut
Weightless, about to take her first
Moon walk, then realising
She had gone to the wrong moon.

Then she goes inside
Climbs the bright green stair carpet
Up to door number two
And is surprised when her key fits
But not that it is cold and dark
And stale from the cigarettes downstairs.

And she rolls a sleeping bag
And some blankets on the floor
And blocks up the fireplace
With a blue flowery eiderdown
To give the spiders something
To think about, and she takes
Her toothbrush and soap
Into the bathroom
And drops the towel on the floor
And trips over it in her muddy shoes.

Then she gets undressed and finds
A place for her clothes,
On a chair in the corner
And turns out the light and stands
At the window as if they might
Walk past, and she's checking that
They will never find her here.

Then she lies awake wondering
When the street light goes out
Just as it does, and more people
Coming up from the takeaway
And she listens not realising
She is listening for her name.
And then the wind and rain,
And a train coming straight towards her
Then veering off
At the last moment.

Serious faces laughing

Happy faces crying

We are the human race.

How can I sleep when you are this close?
If I stretch out my fingers I can nearly touch you
If you reached out yours.
But you are asleep, safe now.
I do not want to wake you
For your beauty would awaken
The beast in me
Or at least that is how you always saw it
No, it enough to lie here
And feel your warmth
The sun coming up over the hills
Spreading light across the valley
In your world without shadows.

How long can I keep this up?
Pretending to be asleep.
What if my hand should inadvertently slip
Or a careless thought,
Would that be enough to wake you?
To stir the captive in you,
The dragon in me
Or at least that is how you always saw it.
No, it is enough to lie here
And wait for the dawn chorus
Knowing I cannot get to sleep
When you are only two years away
From loving me.

I think I was the boy
Who chased off the ******
And retrieved your sweets and toys
From the gutter.

I'm sure it was me
Who took you to the pictures
After your boyfriend cut you down a size,
Then walked you home
When the last bus failed to materialize.

Anyway, we gradually moved
Whole towns and cities then universes away
And though we tried to keep in touch
Messages and responses became confused and crackly
When the transmitter I made
Proved not up to much.

So I Morse code this hope, if ever
I should come to your planet
I might be allowed a walk down the street
And perhaps somewhere in the middle
We could exchange odd glances
Half remembering a friend and a lover
And recognizing ourselves in each other

This morning I passed the place where yesterday
A car had flown over the hill, into the sun
And hit a young cyclist.
I had arrived  a seconds difference
Between two worlds too late
To shout out a warning.
The car was already in position
Badly parked with a broken windscreen
And one door open, grounded with only one wing.
The boy, who must have been late for his tea by then
Lay on the grass verge, covered in a blanket.

And how many will slow down voluntarily
Before they hear the ambulance
Picking it's way, then weaving drunkenly
Through busy streets,
Ever closer, as they wonder where it is going
As they realize it has come for them?

Surely this morning there is no danger
I have never seen the road so deserted
There are no reminders of worlds colliding
Only a small boy
Standing forlornly on the pavement
Waving goodbye.

True to life
True to form
We find ourselves on the stage
Of our own making.
No extras here
No stand ins
No one shouting cut,
No chance of faking
Forgotten lines
Loveless words
Spoken in haste.

In my world
There is no need for
Sorry for myself
Cheer me up
Nobody understands me
Miss me before it's too late
Heartbroken
Heartbreaking
Obsessive
Obsessing
Poetry.
In my world
Love doesn't get
Washed down
The sink
With the dishwater,
But it's not my world.

It's all about the eyes now
The ayes have it.
Zorro mumblings and pardons won't cut it
Sparkling, crystal clear eyes
Are the way to go
They'll never be misread,
Watch out for fluttering eyelashes
They are really exclamation marks
We need a new language
Of love
Look into my eyes
What am I thinking?
Oh you're good!
But also I'm giving town
A miss today -
It's full of bank robbers
And gangsters.

I walk only towards you
Wait only for your breath
Listen only for your sigh
Feel my heart beat for you.

When we close our eyes
The darkness is complete
That's where we'll find each other.

One minute we are playing
Quite happily
On swings and slides
And roundabouts
Then suddenly we find ourselves
On The Thunder Mountain Railroad
Stuck in The Haunted Mansion
And trudging up Space Mountain
And The Twilight Zone
Tower of Terror.
I don't remember signing up for
Expedition Everest,
But I must have done,
At birth,
And The Top Thrill Dragster
The Swarm and Racer.
So I was wondering
Has it all just been
One long ride
Or has everything in my life
Led me here
To this moment?

I'm falling in love with you all over again
And there's not a thing you can do to stop me,
Because you're thousands of miles away!

I'm really running
Tripping really
Slipping in the rain
Through any puddles
I can find
Keeping clouds above me
Whichever way they go
And wind in my face
Or on my back
As long as I can still feel
I can forget
I'm running out of time.

I didn't run anyone over today
I didn't ****** anyone
Or rob any little old ladies
Or steal from the church coffers
I didn't judge or criticise
Or expect too much
Of anyone
I didn't stop caring
Or hoping or praying
And I didn't stop
Loving anyone today
So maybe that is it.
After a lifetime
Of underachievement -
Vindication.
It's what we don't do,
Don't say
That defines us.

For you, with you
I will hide away
Those tears
That long to be shed
And seen by you.
Knowing such happiness
Is to miss
When sweet ignorance
Was bliss
And those smiles
Shared and precious
To strangers
Only remind
Of far away faces
Never again
To reappear
Or once more
To feel so dear
To the heart
That beckons
And waits
And prays
And lives in fear
Of losing again
That which
Has been lost before
Of finding again
Only to lose
Once more.

Sometime between twelve and two
In between shopping and cleaning
And cooking and seeing a friend
She goes to a room.
She kisses him once
Eats one chocolate
Drinks one glass of water
Closes one curtain
Takes off her layers
One at a time
Makes love to him once
Holds him as if he has just saved her
From a dragon
Falls asleep and wakes with a jolt
Not knowing where she is
Until she sees him smiling
She wonders again is he the one
So to make sure
She kisses him twice
Once upon a time.

Come over here
Careful, we don't want to make it any worse
Now let's have a look
That's it, I promise not to touch it yet
Oh it's not that bad
Actually, it could have been much worse.

I'll just dab  it gently
Clean away some of the dirt
Then sprinkle on this magic powder
And bandage it lightly, tell me if it still hurts.

Sip some of this
That's it, you'll soon be feeling better
Now close your eyes
Try to get some sleep
I'll just sit here
Right here if you need me ...

How does it feel?
Can you stand?
That's it, gently take my hand
Try to walk a few steps.
Can you stand
The wound I can't see
The pain I cannot heal?

Move in a whisper
Through the long twilight
In darkness I am searching
In shadows for your love.
Worlds outside are held
Dancing in the embrace of rain.

We won't be afraid
To lose the meaning
For the magic of that first feeling needs no memory.
Worlds outside are held
Dancing in the embrace of rain.

He said his love had been purged
Come through the fires of hell
Was now sparkling and clear
Like water from the deepest well.
She replied, do not kiss the place
Where my foot touched the stair
Do not see stars in my eyes
Nor chase moonbeams in my hair
Or search the far off island
Where the last unicorn hid.
So purged again
He went away
And never did.

Enough already!
We need less poems
At this time
And more prayers,
Or are they
The same thing?

I turn out the light
And my room grows hushed
Like an audience that has come far
And braved the weather.
Then I hear what sounds like angels' strings
And there is singing
Your voice, softly at first
Like snowflakes on a window
Clearer now, a morning star
And it is your music
Stepped out of the firelight
Danced out of this world
And taking me with it.

Lying in bed
Listening to the rain
Lying in the gutter feeling the pain.
And there is the love
We feel for the drunk
Lurching towards us
With a broken bottle,
Love not pity.
And the love we feel
For the snake in the grass
About to ruin our  picnic,
And for the stranger who
Pushes in front of us
Then coughs in our face,
And for the bodies
We borrowed,
Ours and theirs,
When they start to fade,
And for someone who
Steals our love
Then won't give it back,
And for the speeding driver who kills our best friend.
Love not forgiveness.
And there is the easy love
When we love someone
And they are loving us back.

Look not at skin
Frowning pale, wearing thin
Or at eyes staring through red rims.
Be kind to hair receding
And a stomach breathed in
For I am more than flesh and bones.
Blow out the candle
Make believe that I am he
Come with perfect love
For your new body.

I've thrown away my crutches
Though I'm still limping
And my tablets
Though I'm still in pain
And my books
Though there is so much to know
And my pictures
Though I can still the faces clearly
And her keepsakes
Though I can still feel her love.
So here I am God
Decks are cleared
I'm ready to live or die,
You tell me.

I always wondered how I would die and now I know I'm thinking, hey that's not so bad, because I will be visible one minute and not the next.

These are the brave gentle speeches
No-one wanted to make,
Unscripted pauses
Openly challenge our dignity
Intrude on private silences.
But when they are all said
And drinks, laced with bitter, sweet tears
Are toasted away forever,
Guests arriving as strangers
Exchange addresses and promise to keep in touch
Before filing quietly away as friends
To renew their day
Like children with no understanding
Of why some remain
And others are suddenly taken away.
Weeds are not allowed in the little garden
Where flowers are lovingly watered in
For where a man lies buried
Memories can only begin.

She drives her man on
Over the cliff
Into the abyss
And the soft green meadows
And the ten million seeds.
I didn't even know
I was crashing,
Body try to keep up
With the butterflies.
Since you last touched me
A lot has happened.
And nothing.

All is blue, tinged with blue
The sky and sea that is,
And here he is, riding boldly
Across the beach
Into their lives
On to the half finished canvas
The tumbling, shimmering waves
That would have gone on past the horizon.
He makes delicate fingers tremble
Paint things how they could have been,
He causes the sun to skip
The wind to turn,
Leaves them in no doubt
And us holding the reins.

I can fly for starters
Bet you can't do that?
I'm not talking about
Around the garden
Try 800 miles a day.
What else? Oh yes
I can sleep with
One eye open
So, I can choose
Which side of my brain
Stays awake.
Try sneaking up
On me
You've got no chance.
And grit and sand
Don't try this at home
But I can eat them
Good for the digestion
Actually.
Mating is no problem
We just hook up
Every season
Saves a lot of
Aggravation.
And what about socks?
Don't need them
Even in the ice
And snow
My feet can't feel
The cold.
Infact I never
Have wardrobe malfunctions.
Just keep your coat
On all the time
I do, let's face it
Green, red, blue
And white
Go with most things.
Gets a bit greasy
But I can live with that.
Well I've probably
Only got another
Couple of good years
Left in me
But hey-**
It's all water
Off a duck's back.

When I saw you in the playground
I thought you looked pretty,
I thought I bet she's fun to be with,
I bet she's a good kisser,
I thought, I bet our children grow up
Strong and healthy like I hope I do,
And I work hard and always love
And protect her.
When I saw you in the playground
I thought I bet she makes
A man of me.

How many ways are there to say I love you? A few. How many ways are there to show it? Thousands. If you get a chance to.

The city is a circus tonight
Panic rife as we glimpse
The ghosts of animals.
A few time keepers
Escape the mêlée;
They screech into the road
And rush inside before the authorities spot them.
Their front doors slamming shut seem to answer
Something impanted in their heads,
A morbid roll call.
And every fifteen seconds
The wailing ambulance siren,
As welcome as a loudspeaker
Telling us when to eat and sleep.
My neighbour didn't make it back yet
His dinner is going cold;
His wife's face has just turned to stone.

In the clearing
Away from prying eyes
A man has dallied too long
And missed the best of the light.
He has strung that bow
Ten thousand times or more
But see how his hand shakes
The effort almost beyond him.
Where once his aim
Was true and straight
To the heart of a target,
Another knows
Now he pulls back
Too aware of the tension,
Cannot wait
Does not care where his last arrow goes.

You are always looking
Slightly away from me
So I only get to see
One side of your face
As you gaze out of the window
Or peer into the mirror.
But reading your poems
I wonder how you even
Have time to write them
Why you are not swept up
Every day to a safe and wondrous kingdom
By the very brush
That painted the universe.
And though we will never meet
And I will never get to see you
From another angle,
Face to face,
It's easy to have feelings
For that side of you.

What right have I to expect
Skies to open up rainbows
Of answers and hope?
Or send down petals
Heavy laden with fragrant cures
For all these ills.
Or mountain ranges
To unearth themselves
To be at my beck and call,
For rivers to change their flowing
On my say so
And you, why should you choose
To see something in me
Worth loving?

Of course our souls go on,
Of course they do
Don't they?
But what of these bodies
That learn to love
And die so easily?
Maybe they retain
Something of our lives.
We are just dust
In the wind.
There is so much love
In the wind.

I am the scurvy knave
You are the angel who can't behave
I swear you'd turn a church picnic into a rave
With you I'm either languishing in a dark cave
Or riding high on the crest of a wave
Still I believe you are the one to save
Me from an early grave
But I know it will be a very close shave.

Two lives became one
Became one again.

Two prayers, understood, unspoken
Complete as two halves
Now shouted aloud
But halved.

Food chosen for three
By small fingers pointing
Now bought for one
Prepared as solemn ritual
In silence
At the end of the day.