If the biggest thing,
Death
Is an illusion
Then the second biggest thing,
Life
Must be an illusion too.
Never mind that now
If we have all of eternity.
So if you manage
To dodge me in heaven
Which could happen
As I hear it is a pretty
Big place
Maybe in our next life
Or the one after that
We'll bump into each other
At a bus stop
If they have buses then
Or anything stops
And something in you
Will spot something in me,
Hopefully not a spot,
And unknowingly
We will carry on
Where we left off
With me trying
To love you better.

When I saw you in the playground
I thought you looked pretty,
I thought I bet she's fun to be with,
I bet she's a good kisser,
I thought, I bet our children grow up
Strong and healthy like I hope I do,
And I work hard and always love
And protect her.
When I saw you in the playground
I thought I bet she makes
A man of me.

All is blue, tinged with blue
The sky and sea that is,
And here he is, riding boldly
Across the beach
Into their lives
On to the half finished canvas
The tumbling, shimmering waves
That would have gone on past the horizon.
He makes delicate fingers tremble
Paint things how they could have been,
He causes the sun to skip
The wind to turn,
Leaves them in no doubt
And us holding the reins.

When the waters broke
I remember feeling surprisingly calm,
So I made some cold tea and burnt toast
And tried not to get under your feet
As you finished packing.
Then clutching the car keys
I went outside to wait for you.

The first streaks of morning
Were just finding their way into the sky
But in the immense darkness
I was still as vulnerable as a baby.
Please, please give us life
I found myself whispering
And am certain someone heard me.
Then I blew very gently
The ant hurrying away.
For I could not take his that day.

These are the brave gentle speeches
No-one wanted to make,
Unscripted pauses
Openly challenge our dignity
Intrude on private silences.
But when they are all said
And drinks, laced with bitter, sweet tears
Are toasted away forever,
Guests arriving as strangers
Exchange addresses and promise to keep in touch
Before filing quietly away as friends
To renew their day
Like children with no understanding
Of why some remain
And others are suddenly taken away.
Weeds are not allowed in the little garden
Where flowers are lovingly watered in
For where a man lies buried
Memories can only begin.

Holding my breath,
Just beneath the surface
My fixed waiting stare
Until it was my turn
And then you used me,
Joyously, like love,
You filled my sky
With your patterns
You shook my sun
And changed my Shadows
For I was a stepping stone
And I remember you
As I remember my life.

Sunlight serves only
To deepen shadows,
Birds steal each others songs
To mimic, never answer,
Clouds mill and jostle
For somewhere to rest
Growing listless, spitting,
My footsteps going nowhere
Only more echoes to empty
The days I don't see you.
Oh to follow you into the night,
Unseeing, unquestioning, unknowing,
To relinquish my identity,
My will, my desires,
To eat and sleep
And wake and love
Only when bidden,
To lose myself in you.

Of course it takes some getting over
But just when I thought I was ready
To relaunch myself on the world
This had to happen.
So I take my aching heart to the doctor
And tell him it rattles
Every time someone slams a door.
His hand hovers thoughtfully
Over a prescription
And he says, strangely
I had someone else in here
Only last week
With identical symptoms.
She lives on the other side of town
But I can give you her address.

A small boy was flying his kite
With his parents.
I watched the simple family
Moments which make up
A childhood
Then left to wander
Around the park.
On my way back
I noticed them looking up,
Helplessly I thought
As the kite must have
Broken it's string
And was probably
Disappearing from sight
Forever. But no,
It was only lodged
Like a memory,
In a tree.

The rainbows in hell are incredible.
If you saw one you wouldn't forget it in a hurry.
You've got this black sky,
And there it is.
The colours are not as clearly defined as I remember them
The edges seem to blur, think of the
First painting of one you did as a child
Then imagine that in almost total darkness.
I asked someone of it was to remind us
Not to give up hope,
That there is a way out of this place.
He asked me what hope was.
You know, hope you can find your love again.
He asked me what love is.
It's when you care about someone so much
You would gladly lay down your life for them.

Stumbled across this,
Second hand but you wouldn't know it,
See it's hardly worn
Still in it's original wrapping
Try it on, it suits you better,
You can turn that up
Take that in
A few small adjustments that's all
It's for a good cause anyway,
At that price it's almost worth
Making it fit
And it feels good to know
We did our bit
To remember when love was new.

Don't worry
I'm only taking five
No need to shake me
Give me another minute
No need to wake me
I'm just resting my eyes.

I know I'm missing some good skies
I'm still happy to be alive
Lying here, this is good ground
Perhaps I'll come round
Properly when we get there
I don't need the last rites
I'm not seeing any bright lights
I'm not going to start
Confessing all my lies
I don't want to sever any ties
I'm just resting my eyes.

Everyone cries
Look how time flies
And everyone dies
But that will never be me
I'm just resting my eyes.

The bridge on the Severn
Stands still, hushed
Dutifully guarding
What tries to be a holiday.
Swans, congregating
Delicately preening
Unconcerned by the longboat
Making deliberate progress
It's passengers all wearing
A Captains hat,
Heads turned towards
The Cathedral
And just for them
Nine bells announce the hour.
Ladies, brightly dressed
Carrying large cake boxes
Lead a gentle procession
To the fete.
Bikes, two at a time
Unhurried pedalling,
Weaving their way
Around promenade trees
And grandparents with children
Always stopping to hurl
Stale bread at unsuspecting ducks.
But imperceptibly
Insidiously, remorslessly
The unholy din of traffic
Gathers strength
Drowning out all who dare
To shout out against it ...
And normality returns.

Everything is upside down
Inside out
Back to front.
I'm glad it's me that's missing you
And not the other way around.

Washed up on the beach
By the tide that consumed us both
Alive, barely
But I cannot revive her love
I will never see through her eyes again
Or hear her speak my name
It is up to another now
To carry her to dry ground.

So I will walk away
And keep walking
And not worry that I can't feel the sand
Or hear the waves
And I will not look round
Even though I am desperate
To run back
And hug her
And shake his hand.

If true love doesn't
Come true there
I don't want to go.
If there are no football
Or hockey pitches
Or golf courses
Or open spaces
Where you can
Jump and run
Or mountains you can
Climb right to the top
Or if there is nowhere
To picnic
Then fall asleep in the sun,
And if there are no tennis courts
In heaven
I definitely don't want to go,
I may as well stay here
In my wheelchair.

One of us has a girlfriend now.
She loves him so much
She wants to be with him
At night as well
Even when they are asleep,
So she sleeps with him.
Sometimes I hear them talking.
She sounds very nice
Like a nurse,
And when I open my door
Her perfume fills the corridor
Like apple blossom on a May morning
And I have to go back inside
Until it has gone.

Every night I prayed
Thankful for my life
A home, a job, a son, a wife.
My prayers, I believed,
Kept it all together.
Thankful also for our health,
Grateful for the simple things
For I thought
If I took nothing for granted
My prayers would have
More chance of being noticed.

And then you left.
Taking your prayers with you
Must have meant you stopped
Praying for me.
I quickly realised how yours
Had been the only ones
That had been listened to.
Mine had probably never
Reached their target,
Falling somewhere back to earth.

What right have I to expect
Skies to open up rainbows
Of answers and hope?
Or send down petals
Heavy laden with fragrant cures
For all these ills.
Or mountain ranges
To unearth themselves
To be at my beck and call,
For rivers to change their flowing
On my say so
And you, why should you choose
To see something in me
Worth loving?

I was the wind
That never blew the leaf
That never fell
From the tree
That never grew.
I was the rain
Before there were clouds.
I was a marking on a rock
Before anyone could draw or write.
I was the sunset
Before anyone could see.
I was a kiss
Before there were lips.
I was a whisper
When people could only shout.
I was the second
Before the first second.
I was the love
That was fashioned
From nothing
That came and went
Back to nothing.
I am the next breath
I will never need.
I am dead
To my love
Even worse
To her I never existed.

Here I am again with my secrets
My lame excuses,
My unfinished prayers
My bits of the day
That fly uncontrollably
Around the room.
Say hush one more time
Soothe a stranger's
Troubled brow
These aching limbs.
Kiss my eyelids tight shut
So that I may never peek again
And wake me
When you have done.

Time to catch breath,
Only breathe
Wait patiently this time
For the one who takes
His chance
The victor,
Punching the air
Dreams of his next
Love affair
The vanquished is left
Remembering the romance,
And the heat of day,
Draped in glory
Staggers, unrepentant,
Away.

What kind of seed
So tentatively planted
And needing neither
Water nor light
Only the dark secret
Warmth of you?
How I spark,
How I come to life
In you.

The tennis courts
Where we once played through the laughter
Lie unloved and netless in the morning drizzle,
And the already faded white lines
Are mostly smudged and covered in moss,
Winning and losing would be impossible
Even if you were here.

The bandstand watches me as I ease under the willow
And cross the manicured lawn
Where I find an old soggy ball
And as if  you had called me to do it
I throw it back.

Rain, empty, soft, feathered
Leaves roundabouts dangerous
Speeds up slides
Falls unnoticed on a duck's back
Unmeasured in the lake,
But renders the wooden bridge deceptively slippery
And if I should fall from view
It would not raise a murmur or a ripple.

The one climbs rain swept
Battlements in dead of night,
Grapples with swords,
Dodges spears
Kills the old enemy,
After a terrible fight
Rescues the beautiful
Princess, with hardly time
To kiss her cheek
Before they ride off
On a white horse
Chased only by
The orchestra and moonlight
She believes to start
A new life.

The other is never
Upset by little things
Milk out of date
Or dinner late,
His every one day
At a time is a victory
In itself, managing to
Keep working through
Praying that faith
Is a match for any pain
Knowing his life
Can never be the same,
He too conceals
The stain on his tunic,
His deathly secret.

Now I have stopped walking
All movement is carried on the wind.
Was I so consumed?
Could I not see my tattered clothes
Have felt my blistered feet?
Why did it take so long to find this place
To reclaim my space?
Where I stand is all I know
I am here
I have arrived.

Insect-like we squash our lives
Into a few summer seconds.
We flit, we swarm, we hop
From a branch, a stem
To a prettier flower
Where we drink the nectar
Or drown in it.
The ******* cat
Plays with us
Tears off our wings
Spits us out
And just before we die
We dream of flying
Into a naked light.

The face of my angel
Is lost in shadow
Her coat still drips
With last night's rain
But I know she is quite young
When she tells me her name.

She kneels at my bedside
Feeding me oranges and grapes
Telling me stories
How the warrior killed the snakes.

And her smile makes me feel
I am worth saving
I can leave behind this mess
That very soon now
She will take me away
Nurse me back to happiness.

Straining our eyes to see
Where we are going
To remember where we have been
Let it all pass by
In the blink of an eye
For there is nothing here
To detain us.

On the road that never slept
And never stopped
Trespassing through the ancient ways
The badger took his last breath.
And when the sun appeared
It was a thin cold gauze
Not nearly strong enough
To warm his back
Let alone
Stir a life's blood
As if it accepted
His death
Was inevitable.

A single thought
Tires of stumbling about
In stale darkness,
Sees through
His own skeleton future,
Makes it out
Into the light of day,
Shouts for joy,
Changes the world.

All is well
I am strong
I'm fit
I'm healthy
Nothing can hurt me
My body is healing itself
As it always does.

The cotton wool clouds
Glued at random
In a giant blue
Colouring book
Are real
And cause me to breathe
Deeply for the first
Time today.
The greenwood
With it's shadows
That question the rights
Of leaves to answer
And flowers, freshly
Painted this morning
By the supreme artist
Who begs us to, who
Dares us not to
Notice them
And the seed,
Airborne at last
Parachuting into
My hand
Are all real,
But I am not.

If it had been a full moon
We might have made it
Would have been easier
To stay on the path
Easier to avoid the clouds
Trying to sweep us up.
Wind and rain don't help
The horses are tired
Jittery too
I tell them they are only
Eyes in the trees
They can't hurt you.
The old barn is as good
A place as any,
I'm sorry I can't get you home before morning,
You tell me I haven't let you down
Sometimes all that is left to do
Is to take shelter.

A flurry of birds
Greets the eerie silence;
****** canvas and a stiller you.
The heralding snow
Changes all my plans
For the road is lost
And we must make our way, gingerly
Down the old footpath.

So bring in the lambs
And shut up the shop
But not before we have bought the last loaf;
Wrestling with oversize coats
And from beneath floppy hats
We stumble on with sheepish grins,
And look, there's our neighbour.

Always too late for Christmas
But never for the children
This is the day they have waited for,
So just for once
The tax man can wait
For his ill gotten gains;
Let the snowball fight commence!

All night our two proud armies
Fought for control over the city.
Occasionally we popped out our heads
And counted seconds
As if the thunder was a harmless echo
Of a battle being fought somewhere else
And the lightning only a crack in the sky
Which come morning would be miraculously healed.
And it was true, in the stillness and peace
That is born of destruction
It was easier then to find your love
Your hand sticking out of the rubble.

Of course it all makes sense now
I knew I had seen you somewhere before.
At Little Round Top
Your blue tidal wave swept us off our feet
Came crashing down from a sea of pine trees
And we drowned in that ****** surf.

I managed only one round before I was hit
A wild shot and so unlucky, I see that now.
As we lay soaking up the last of the sun
I remember how you cursed me
For taking your life
And little did I think then
You would find me
One hundred and fifty years later
And steal my wife.

I wrote you
Something
Hoping you would find it
On the bark of a tree
In a forest
Somewhere.

I shouted out
Something
Hoping you would hear it
Amongst the crows and seagulls
In a field or at a beach
Somewhere.

I painted you
Something
Hoping you would see my colour
In a rainbow
In a troubled sky
Somewhere.

I cried for
Something
Hoping you would see my tears
In a waterfall
In a river
Somewhere.

And if you did
You could do the same.
Maybe we are communicating
On a different level already.

When you kiss these lips
That have not smiled today
Without my need to say,
When I fall asleep in your warmth
And wake
Bathed in your beauty
Gentle laughter and conversation,
When you touch this body
With your whole
You touch my soul.

When you climb into her bed
She turns over
Her eyes flickering open
Welcoming the intrusion.
Her lips smile as she kisses your forehead
With hands reaching out
Unthinking, unafraid
Drawing you into her sanctuary
Her private moments,
Caressing you
Holding you
Like a lover, a friend
A mother.

I am up with the lark
Fences and walls to mend before dark
And there every morning
By the old rusty gate
You wave me a greeting
I swear I will never see a prettier sight
As that handkerchief fluttering
Against a crimson sky
And you all dressed in white.

At noon you bring me bread and ale
And we lie for half an hour
Watching clouds race by
Kiss you, I do not
Nor touch your hem
Keeping very still
And wondering when
You will say
'It is to you I will be true.'

On my way home
I watch you reading
At your window
By a single candlelight
You never look up
And so to you I do say
Think of me kindly
When I am gone.

The day used to be too loud for me
I'd search out my own company
Just up and leave them to it
Take myself off to the sanctuary
Of a closed door, a familiar wall
But thanks to you I've rejoined
The human race
Now I'm better off with the lonely
Crowd's searching pace,
No I don't seek out silence any more
Not since I haven't heard from you
Has left me shaken to the core.

The orange street lights wait
With heads bowed to be relieved.
Rows of curtained windows
Long to draw back the night
And excited raindrops cling
Perilously to leaves that would quiver
But nothing dares flinch
Or stir from sleep
Until we receive the call
That the gallery is about to open,
For this morning we are all
Painted so perfectly still.

All that is except for the clouds
Those great grey whales
Whose mystical journeys
Are chartered at first
By the faintest streaks of blue.
From under the ocean I marvel
As their huge resolute forms
Lumber purposively across my world
And I realize that the miracle
Has happened again,
I can breath unaided.

Now smaller shoals of fish appear
And lighter in form and texture,
All they want is to play
So let them have their moment
Let them disperse and lose their way
Or else face the conquering
Legions of a Royal hue.

But for now, gentle radiant light filtering down
Permeates it's subject, like a thank you.

On a summer evening such as this
It matters not if we win,
If our best shot misses,
For there is still life in old strings
And hope in grain so true,
Before the light has gone
Let us play on
And forget all we knew.

Forget those two sharing solitude,
Those who dreamt it all
Who know now less
Expect no more,
Remember instead brave shots
Conjured from nothing
Snatched from thin air
Leaps and bounds
And outstretched hands
To save us from despair.

So now I play on bended knee
Sending one last ball back to you,
In earnest hope, beyond desire
You send it back to me.

Hollow, leafless, rootless words
I get lost in them
Stumble over, cut myself in them.
My words are struck
By the lightning of your words.
They break off and come crashing
Down around me
Like sharp blows to the head.
They render me senseless
And I awake to the futility
Of trying to talk to you.
And then there are those words
Wrenched from silence
Stripped bare, forced free
From the soul
And these last few
Written on tears
Are becoming smudged
And will mean even less to you.

Our two suitcases
Together again
Under the bed,
Mine, looking brand new
In its original cellophane
With a 'Pasures New' label
Was still a good buy.
Yours is pretty battered now,
It has seen better days
And will again.

My battery is low
I'm a flickering light
A faint glow
Staying on for you.

I may as well be in love
With a ghost
With a body chalked out
On the kitchen floor.
Are you the delicate draught
On my cheek
When the window is closed?
Is it you skimming the cups and plates
Across the room?
Are you the sound of rustling leaves
When there is no tree in sight?
Do you slam a door
In the middle of the night
When I know they are all locked?
Are you moving that single cloud
Across the sky
Or is it doing it
All by itself?

No more shall we talk of the passion
That swells the tides, fills the sails
And turns us into explorers,
They say it is overrated anyway.
Give us a cosy room
And tucked up safely in bed
Some hot chocolate and a good book instead.
An adventure with lashings of romance
Would be perfect.

Rain is very mischievous.
It really wants us to forget
Our coats and umbrellas
So it can send down
It's ambassadors,
Mysterious dark shapes,
Swirling inner worlds
For it's followers,
Who usually have small feet
With frogs eyes painted
On to green Wellingtons,
To dance in,
While serious people are left
To sit all morning
In wet socks.