When the day finally comes and i close my eyes for the last time.
I hope my memories of this night replay in my head.
That the last breath of air was spent on saying the words that you told me.
“I love you until I can’t anymore”
The look you gave me would make anyone cry as I say it for the final time.

The day he almost died.
The pill bottles look too pleasing to be alone.
He decide to hold them one more time.
Wondering if it’s worth lasting until tomorrow.
He put them down as the pills screamed to be picked up again.
Next year it happened again.
This time the voices came from a dangerous blade.
He was so close but too afraid of leaving everyone alone.
So he stayed another night.

They were together for a long time,
Both two scared to leave the other.
Wondering if love was supposed to feel this way.
Not wanting to come home to the other .
Hoping the feeling would change but it never did.
They thought they were soulmates and didn’t want to hurt the other.
Until one day when they realized that their heart broke more being together than being apart.

I tried coffee again after a long time.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like it was all the memores wrapped up in one cup.
She drank it every morning and kissed me goodbye.
The taste still on my lips and the caffeine running into my vines.
Wishing for more coffee just to remind myself of her.
I tried coffee again but this time it was different.
No more rushing feelings just plain old taste in my mouth.
I wonder if the taste ever reminds her of mornings with me.
Of what life could have been if she didn’t leave.

I miss you when I shouldn't.
I love you when I can't.
Everyone says you are bad for me but I don't believe it.
How can you make me feel this good but be this toxic?
I need to know what's going on because I tried giving you up but it's too hard.
Just maybe you can enter my life one more time.

It's going to be ok.
Don't worry too much.
There isnt much you can do but I know you will try your best.
Some days you will want to run away from your own mind.
Im here to tell you that you won't be able too.
You can't run away from the bad but you can try to stop it.
Take a pill and hope it doesn't make you want to sleep your day away.
At least if you're fast asleep then nothing will hurt you.
Do you choose to stay awake by yourself or drug yourself to sleep every night?

I gave her my heart over and over.
Hoping that nothing bad would happen.
Not thinking of how everything can go away in seconds.
My heart was pulled out my chest and stepped on with no regret.
I gave her my heart over and over,
Hoping it would be my last time.
Not knowing my heart would be damaged for ever.

I wish I could control it.
Not wanting to cry over the little things hoping it will go away.
When will it stop telling me things on repeat.
I tried to listen to the good in life but it's hard when the darkness is screaming in your ears.
Not wanting to burden anyone with my issues but trying to tell the truth at the same time.
Everyone telling me it will be ok and we aren't leaving.
How can I believe all the words when my mind wants to say the opposite.
Do I believe them or my broken mind.
Maybe I don't want to believe it's broken.
Maybe one day my pills will stop this all.
Or maybe I can stop it all.

I wish I could control it.
Not wanting to cry over the little things hoping it will go away.
When will it stop telling me things on repeat.
I tried to listen to the good in life but it's hard when the darkness is screaming in your ears.
Not wanting to burden anyone with my issues but trying to tell the truth at the same time.
Everyone telling me it will be ok and we aren't leaving.
How can I believe all the words when my mind wants to say the opposite.
Do I believe them or my broken mind.
Maybe I don't want to believe it's broken.
Maybe one day my pills will stop this all.
Or maybe I can stop it all.

I wish I could be freed from this world.
That one day I won't be in pain with my own mind.
Maybe I will be able to find someone that loves me for me.
Not having to beg to be heard.
I wish I could be gone sometimes to make my mind shut up.
But it will be easier in the end.

I don't know what to say because I keep going blank.
I hear your name and I start to blush.
I wonder if it will ever stop.
I'm not sure what to say or where to go but I know I will always find you.

Take a med and swallow.
Take a med and swallow.
Take a med and wish you could stop.
But you can't and you never will.
Skip a med and hope you're ok.
Skip a med and hope you're ok.
I don't want to feel like a zombie but I don't know what to do.
I'm happy and I don't want it to change.
Take a med and swallow.
Skip a med and hope you're ok.
What do I do now? I thought everything was normal but my whole night is fading.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
Stop the meds but then you will suffer.
Take a med and fall asleep.
Skip a med and hope you're ok.

It feels like a dream maybe too good to last.
Maybe too good to be true.
I sit back and relax not sure what is going to happen next.
I roll down my window and I finally understand what being peaceful means.
I thought it meant when im sitting next to you and you give me that look.
That says nothing bad is ever going to happen to you.
But I'm alone and I feel better than ever.
I hope this isn't a dream.
If this has to be I hope I never wake up unless you're next to me.

I wonder how everything is meant to be.
If I gave her five more minutes maybe she would still in my arms.
Maybe she would have been my last kiss and it could have lasted forever.
I thought she was the one for me.
Some days I even counted how long until we saw each other again.
The answer was it was always too long but I know she was the one.
I don't know if she agrees but my heart is broken into pieces waiting to be glued back together.
She is the only one with the right glue.
Maybe my heart will always be broken.
Maybe I lost the love of my life forever.

If I say goodbye would that be good enough for you?
Would you finally let me free or keeping holding be back?
I need to start over but you won't let me go.
I know we been though a lot but I finally feel ready to start something new.
If you let me go I promise it will be for the better.
I held on to the memories realizing it was all in my head.
That you didn't care about me has much as I did.
If I finally say goodbye would you let me be free of this fake love.

I look in the mirror and I see her.
The person I don’t want to be anyone.
The person who I wish will disappear for good.
I look in the mirror and want to run away but she is always with me.
There is no where to go.
No where to hide.
I look in the mirror on last time and see the things she left behind.

I know not everyone will want me.
I only want you to stay in my life as long as possible.
I’m not going to ask forever but I’m hoping it will be longer than just tonight.
I know we just met but I can’t stop thinking about you.
I know it most be for a reason.
Please tell me I’m not the only one thinking this right now.
In the end of the day if I hear your voice then everything will be ok.

I fell in love with the pain.
The memories replay in my head over and over.
It feels so nice when I want to replay it.
Remembering all the little details.
Wishing I could do it now but no one understands.
I fell in love with the blade.
Wanting more of the pain to happen even with a smile on my face.
Hoping no one would notice when my long sleeves come back.
Now I’m two months clean still thinking of last time.
Hoping the memory will be enough this time.
Not wanting to start over but not willing to fight it.

I wonder how he got away.
How the mystery was never solved.
Maybe everyone lied to cover this track with ****** money.
I wonder how he got away with breaking my heart.
He said he loved me a million times but ever thought he didn’t mean it.
Until the last day that changed everything.
He looked in my the face and smiled with all this teeth.
I love you for the rest of my life.
Then he left and no one has seen him since.

Blah blah blah
Take me to shut your mind up.
You know you really want me.
All you have to do is find me.
(Takes one pill)
Now I control you,
Without me you suffer.
What if you can’t get more of me.
Will you hid behind a broken smile begging to get me.
Begging so much people think you have an addiction.
Blah blah hurt self.
I told you need me and you didn’t believe it.
Come on take one more.
You know you really want too.
(Finally takes it again)
Everything just stops.

I wish my life was a fairy tale so you would be right next to me.
I wish my life was a fairy tale so I could finally have a princess sitting next to me.
I wish my life was a fairy tale,
Then maybe all the bad would disappear.
Disappear from everything that made me wish for a different life.
I wish my life was a fairy tale so then everything could be happiely ever after once again

I think I found the one,
The one that makes my heart jump up and down.
Not wanting the moment to end.
I think she likes me too.
She told me I was pretty but it could be all inside my head.
She smiled at me for a few seconds.
I think I found someone new,
She laughed at my jokes and made sure I knew.
Made sure I was paying attention to it.
I think i made her up.
Now she is gone,
No more smiles or laughing.
I told her I liked her too and she looked confused.
She said she was being friendly and didn’t mean anything else.
I think the end finally came.

The walls look a little whiter than normal.
Why is the fan making such a loud noise?
Did my room always look this messy?
Maybe it's all in my head but this doesn't seem right.
Everyone is moving on I'm still stuck in the same moment.
The moment everyone forgot about.
I hid the blades but there always in the back of my mind.
Wondering when I will need them next to shut up my lonely mind.
The one that keeps trying to talk even thought I don't want to hear it.
The thing that makes me feel more hurt than anyone in my family.
I don't even have my family just my phone with random people to text that don't even want me.
So I sit here alone again for the tenth day in a row.

I still get nervous like the first time when I saw the word read on my messages.
Wondering if this would be first of many times you wouldnt care what I say.
Won't want to know more and wonder when I will move on.
I'm sorry because I want to tell you all about my life.
About little details that probably make you think about something else.
The more you get to know me the easier it will be to understand.
That I get attached too fast and get send too many text to get your attention.
The attention you don't want me to have.

Death used to scare me,
When I was younger I would cry about it.
Now I become friends with death almost meeting it three times.
Only caring what my friends and family would say if I went away.
If I picked death over living.
I wish I could do it for me but one day i won't care enough to stay.
I know death is cheering me on waiting for me to visit.
Waiting for me to stay forever.
Death used to scare me,
When I was eight I cried my self to sleep.
Now I play too close to my new friend.

I won't be mad that you left.
I knew this day would come even thought you told me it wouldn't.
I believed almost every word that came out of your mouth.
That I would be your number one.
That no one could take my place.
Look how wrong I was because I'm crying at my keyboard wonder where I went wrong.
In the back of my mind this is a nightmare that should have came sooner.
I'm afraid to open my eyes knowing this is real life.
Knowing that I lost my other half to someone else.
I'm not mad that you are leaving.
I'm mad that I Believed you would stay.

I fall in love a little too fast.
My heart gets broken a little too much.
I will not regret those memories.
I fall too hard,
And smile too big about it.

They are sleeping next to me.
I feel safe but my mind doesn't trust it.
It tells me do more harm than good.
With you deep down I know I'm safe and you know that to.
Even if everything else around us doesn't make sense.
They are sleeping next to me but my mind doesn't trust it.
Letting horror movies play in my head about the ones that I love.
Making me feel crazy for loving them more and more.
Maybe my mind isn't used to this feeling and is trying to make me safe.
I don't want to safe I just want to live in the moment.

My life became a mess.
I started to love darkness more than the light.
It made me feel safer knowing soon all the stress would be gone.
I know that living isn't just surviving.
It's wanting to wake up to do something new.
To wanting to see the future not run from it.
I don't know if I was running but I was so used to not living I didn't see the reason to keep going.
To want to be happy because I didn't see a point in it.
A point to go to the light vs deep deep dark.

Was everything meant to be?
Did something turn into nothing?
Maybe it was just in my head but I know you felt it too.
Don't make me feel crazy for something I know was real.

What if parents just loved for us.
If the listen to our broken cry's.
Imagine If we weren't alone anymore and had a someone who wanted us.
Not another struggle for them to through in our face.
I wonder if I will ever be good enough for them.
One tells me how much she loves me and other only sees me as a cheap sitter.
Throwing daggers at me whenever they get a chance.
I don't understand what I did for him to stop treating me as someone who they care about.
Maybe this is there way of caring but it hurts.
I don't want to deal with this anymore.

He said I look pretty. That I'm his number one.
She told me that I'm lying and no one really cares about me.
He said I'm amazing and that I deserve
The world.
She told me I should leave the world, I almost did twice because of her.
He gave a me a pill and never felt better.
She gave me a knife and I never felt worse.
He made me feel unstoppable,
She stopped me in seconds.
He helped me get out of bed,
She chained me to it.
He gave me too many ideas but she didnt give me enough.
He was too good and it something felt off.
She was the devil running around my head.
He was my best friend but only vistited me once while.
She was my worst enemy but came too often.

Sometimes I feel unheard,
That my life doesn’t matter as much.
I look around the room and wonder if anyone feels the same.
I’m afraid to ask the question out loud, not wanting to get all the looks of Judgment
I go home and cry in my bed wondering if I made the right choice of making it to twenty three.
How can I keep on going with all this pain?
Why can’t I just say goodbye for one last time?
I tell myself that I can't leave her behind without a brother.

Everything made sense in the end.
That's what I thought, but I was wrong.
The yelling got louder; I could barely hear myself think.
I wondered why this was happening, but I got no answer.
No one wanted to explain it to me.
No one wanted to help.

I can't believe I let this happen again.
She wasn't there for me for a while but I picked up the phone the second she called.
I listen to all her issues trying to make her feel better.
I wonder why I am doing this as if she would do the same for me but I'm not sure anymore.
I can't believe I fell for her looks.
The pretty girl who everyone likes came over to me and everything started to spiral.
I did everything for her and I mean everything.
After it was all done then she dropped me as if I was nothing.
But once I was her everything and I wondered how that all changed so fast.
So of course when she called I had to pick up.
I had to be there for her.

If the world was ending would you be here next to me?
Would everything else just disappear and feel normal for another second?

I can be your Nick to your Charlie.
Your Jess to your Rory if you give me a chance.
I can give you everything you ever dreamed of.
Maybe I overthink about falling again,
Falling in love for someone that doesn't know who i am.
Waiting for the day that everything makes sense again as to why we aren't together.
Why do I spend every day waiting for the one text to tell me how you really feel.
Maybe that day won't ever come, and that's okay.

I can't get enough even if I try.
I always want to know more about her.
It's like having a friend that has secrets and all you're dying to know it.
I'm afraid one day she is going to say that I'm too much.
That I'm annoying her with all my messages.
I guess I never had someone like her in my life.
Someone that is there all the time and won't hesitate to fight your demons.
I hope she knows I would do the same

I found my other half,
The one that makes me fall deeper in love after every call.
It only takes a text to make me break apart in smiles.
They don’t know how hard I'm dying to meet them again.
It's a different type of love that makes your heart flutter.
Or your mind races, waiting for your phone to ring.
I found them again, and I'm not losing them this time.

I wonder why I kept the letters all this time.
Maybe I was hoping he would come back the more I read it.
That he would just appear out of nowhere.
But nowhere ever came; no one ever came.
I wonder why I kept the letters all this time
Maybe I was hoping it would help my tears go away.
It didn't; it never does.
He will never find me the same again.

I found my old letters.
The ones are saying goodbye, and I'm sorry for everything.
I found my old letters.
The ones that hold the darkest of secrets that no one is meant to see until I disappear.
I found my old letters.
That wishes to leave instead of staying.
I found my old letters.
Now, they are old words that I don't need.

I'm a believer in love
That it doesn't go away overnight.
Maybe it shows up one day without a reason,
Only to beg for it to stay longer.
Love has seen the world go around and around, waiting for the right people.
The type of people who aren't afraid of going the extra mile.
Who are crazy about one another in every Universe.

I didn't want my secret to come out.
The world doesn't understand me like you do.
The secrets hide under layers, wondering if anyone notices.
Notices the scars made out of hopelessness.
Would you leave me if you saw the truth under the lies?
The lying of saying I'm doing better but drowning in my tears.
I don't want my secret to come out because I can't lose you now.

I look down and around,
Only to see him smiling at me.
It's the type of smile that screams run, but I stayed.
Maybe he isn't so bad after all.
I gave him a chance, and in seconds, the betrayal happened.
He took me by the arm and watched me scream in pain until it was over.
Until there was nothing more he could take.

I hope you're doing ok.
I havent heard from you for a while but maybe it's meant to be this way.
In the sense that you moved on without me.
Without telling me that's how it's going to be.
I'm still waiting for a text that may never come.
A phone call that won't go threw.
I hope you're ok because it seemed like you don't want me Anymore and that's fine.
I'm better now.
Only if I could say that without crying

I need you back in my life.
The pleasure that makes everything worth it again.
Hurt me and I won't tell anyone.
I promise to keep it my little secret.
I need you back in my life even with everyone disagrees.
Take my secrets and spread the lies all over my name.
Burn the little things I still have left.
I need you to make me a player in my own life.

What if she leaves again?
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
My heart will tear into it, but maybe that's for the better.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be in the end.
What if she never wanted me?

Why do I crave you after a while?
I don't want you back in my life, but at the same time, I do.
The memories haunt my dreams of the past.
Of everything you did to me, did to my body.
Why do I want you back?
I guess I miss the pain and the love that no one else can give me.

What if it was my sister?
My best friend?
The day you died, my heart turned up aside down.
I couldn't think of you for two years without crying.
There were many days I had to stop myself from visiting.
What if it was me?
Would people finally care that one of us was gone?
I told my self when it snowed, it was you saying hi to stop myself from breaking down.
What about all the memories?
The stories that we had together.
No one will meet you again.
I wish it could have been me, not you.
I wish it were all a bad dream.
I wish I didn't miss you.
I wish I could have gone with you.

I’m drowning in my thoughts,
Hoping one day I can finally be with you