The walls look a little whiter than normal.
Why is the fan making such a loud noise?
Did my room always look this messy?
Maybe it's all in my head but this doesn't seem right.
Everyone is moving on I'm still stuck in the same moment.
The moment everyone forgot about.
I hid the blades but there always in the back of my mind.
Wondering when I will need them next to shut up my lonely mind.
The one that keeps trying to talk even thought I don't want to hear it.
The thing that makes me feel more hurt than anyone in my family.
I don't even have my family just my phone with random people to text that don't even want me.
So I sit here alone again for the tenth day in a row.

I still get nervous like the first time when I saw the word read on my messages.
Wondering if this would be first of many times you wouldnt care what I say.
Won't want to know more and wonder when I will move on.
I'm sorry because I want to tell you all about my life.
About little details that probably make you think about something else.
The more you get to know me the easier it will be to understand.
That I get attached too fast and get send too many text to get your attention.
The attention you don't want me to have.

Death used to scare me,
When I was younger I would cry about it.
Now I become friends with death almost meeting it three times.
Only caring what my friends and family would say if I went away.
If I picked death over living.
I wish I could do it for me but one day i won't care enough to stay.
I know death is cheering me on waiting for me to visit.
Waiting for me to stay forever.
Death used to scare me,
When I was eight I cried my self to sleep.
Now I play too close to my new friend.

I won't be mad that you left.
I knew this day would come even thought you told me it wouldn't.
I believed almost every word that came out of your mouth.
That I would be your number one.
That no one could take my place.
Look how wrong I was because I'm crying at my keyboard wonder where I went wrong.
In the back of my mind this is a nightmare that should have came sooner.
I'm afraid to open my eyes knowing this is real life.
Knowing that I lost my other half to someone else.
I'm not mad that you are leaving.
I'm mad that I Believed you would stay.

I fall in love a little too fast.
My heart gets broken a little too much.
I will not regret those memories.
I fall too hard,
And smile too big about it.

They are sleeping next to me.
I feel safe but my mind doesn't trust it.
It tells me do more harm than good.
With you deep down I know I'm safe and you know that to.
Even if everything else around us doesn't make sense.
They are sleeping next to me but my mind doesn't trust it.
Letting horror movies play in my head about the ones that I love.
Making me feel crazy for loving them more and more.
Maybe my mind isn't used to this feeling and is trying to make me safe.
I don't want to safe I just want to live in the moment.

My life became a mess.
I started to love darkness more than the light.
It made me feel safer knowing soon all the stress would be gone.
I know that living isn't just surviving.
It's wanting to wake up to do something new.
To wanting to see the future not run from it.
I don't know if I was running but I was so used to not living I didn't see the reason to keep going.
To want to be happy because I didn't see a point in it.
A point to go to the light vs deep deep dark.