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120 · Dec 2019
The Dice Man
Thead Dec 2019
Oh, a taste of insanity,
how it appeals so dearly to me.
A cast of a die numbered 1 to 6
forever to be my numerous emotions to pick,
and wrestle with the probability of a god.
100 · Dec 2019
Bagged eyes reading
Thead Dec 2019
Oh anonymity, how I love thee
A speck on the window
A grain in the pavement
to be tread upon and left
undisturbed.
99 · Dec 2019
You will never know
Thead Dec 2019
You may have known although you probably have not,
that I have always thought you were the perfect girl.
You are the base line of who I’d chose to tie the knot,
the person who I’d live with until the end of my world.

I might be wrong to say this but I don’t care,
I can never stop feeling something new.
it might be cruel and completely unfair,
to tell you I that I love you.

I will never say this to your face,
I’ll just always keep it in.
to get a droplet of your love
seems like the greatest of the sins.

I am a sadist and a freak,
although society sees me as someone strong.
I am so utterly weak
I’ve wanted to die for so long.

But before I go I want to say that you have kept me safe,
when I was with you I felt reborn.
I’m only here to tell you to keep your faith,
When I’m dead and gone.

Your smile by itself brings the radiance of the sun,
An embrace makes me feel all is right again.
your patience and your time makes my heart run,
my soul is free because of you my friend.

If I were to part the world of living today,
I would not be sad to say my goodbyes.
I have seen the entire universe start and end,
in the beauty of your eyes.

The water flows and tumbles creating beautiful sound as it goes,
the light creates a mirror and I can see my reflection.
the beauty of the image just really goes to show,
how skewed the outer world is of interpretation.

I am going to go now.
87 · Dec 2019
Suffering in my mind
Thead Dec 2019
To think my words have meaning
is more pretentious than the word itself.

To think of all my dreaming,
coming true would be a living hell.

To think of all my scheming,
will make me happy, great and true.

To think of all my thinking,
makes me feel the ******* blues.
86 · Dec 2019
Those grey doors
Thead Dec 2019
Those grey doors, how when washed away with colour they appeal to the insane.
A dull nothingness, that helps bind the soul to nothing, another ant in the hill of dirt.

Those grey doors, where I found out that you can be reduced to nothing, back to the purity of an animal.

Kicking and screaming, bound and chained testing which pills work with what needles to bring me down.
While he cries out to a merciless God.
And he watches laughing through those grey doors.

Of course to the Gods pity is the lowest of emotions. A dreadful sin, to want to be pitied.
While they test and write notes on their clipboards on Gods image.
a nobody.
a no one.  
A soulless creature to be beat down, for his own good.
and left to soil himself in a comfy hospital stretcher bed.

Of course it was necessary, but I wonder what it would be like to go back through those grey doors.
or the black door which offers so much promise.
82 · Dec 2019
Untitled
Thead Dec 2019
I want to be a poet

An embodiment of humanity

A vessel for inspiring one soul to go on
Thead Dec 2019
And the world brings me so much pain.
That I bring myself alone at the screen, so nobody else will hear my screams.
the silent screams forever in my mind of what I could be.
over and over,
and over once more
before I drop into a mix of hypnotic *******.

Only then do I smile
after waves of numbness.
73 · Dec 2019
My regards
Thead Dec 2019
Oh, if I were regarded

I'd give motivational speeches for life, a thing I detest
I'd preach love and make loveless love to a sea of societal ******,

Oh, if I were regarded

I'd give out money to homeless men, knowing it'd be going up their veins
I'd be on talk shows, inspire people to follow their dreams and mask their pain

Oh, if I were regarded

Maybe I'd be with someone who loved me, instead of typing poetry in the dark alone to sadistic melodramatic ***** like me.
72 · Dec 2019
Mind is ablaze
Thead Dec 2019
A synapse of lucid words

no meaning to most, but in the clockwork of my own head they will tick
and tick
until I turn over in angst of the heedless helm of my own mind and set myself back into insanity.

I feel myself slipping away, back to the dull grey doors, back to the routine pills of involuntary confinement
and I am thankful
for at least something has happened.
in this dull grey world of my own making, coiled wrapped and chained up by my own ego,

But if I were to leave
who would know?

At least you, my darling thead would understand
Thead Apr 2020
The wrath of my being lingers on.
Like the smell of the sea on the breeze.
I know in time I'll be dead and gone,
the thought comes with ease.

I sit here at this lonely keyboard,
typing to no-one but a ghost.
Spilling the problems, problems that I hoard,
to the ones that mean the most.

My mind is like a raging bull,
my thoughts the red sheet.
I charge and charge with constant will,
the sword has blood in its sheath.

Being a psychotic freak, a darkened soul
I seem to forever be.
The entire world from pole to pole,
is grey for eternity.
65 · Jan 2020
God
Thead Jan 2020
God
A choice to be better
#thatsalliteverwas
62 · Jan 2020
Joy
Thead Jan 2020
Joy
Oh, the bees have always had it best
Cocooned in layered sweetness,
petal to petal amongst the air
and happy to just be...
a bee.
61 · Jan 2020
A poem of transcendence
Thead Jan 2020
Too late fellow humans,
we know I have been worn thin.

Too late for apologies,
  my blood is thick with gin.

Fly white bird, fly, fly now.

I shall become a writer.
60 · Jan 2020
Chess not Checkers
Thead Jan 2020
What is white? and what is black?
Is the white God, and death the Devil?

Or is white your life and Black the enemy - whatever form you will, depression, illness, always shadowing the step of light.

An almost infinite random probability of numbers in the beginning. All to be determined by your own mind.  
Its history & creation still a mystery.

The king may be you, for that is the game. And think! What is the antithesis of you, for that is the black king you must seek to check. Every game is different.

The queen your counterpart. Whether it be a woman or man, or maybe even a god? Aggressively passionately destroying your enemy.
The black queen well - heaven hath no fury like a woman scorned.
The most powerful, helpful champion.

The knights may be your friends, the only piece that can jump over the enemy deep into the lines of onslaught.
Directed perfectly and they will give you the upper hand.

The rooks may be siblings, or family friends. Linear to the point. Influential when no other pieces exist, have seen the entire game and finally help you win it.
Foundations of the 4 corners of the board.

Mum and Dad, the bishops, the only ones that are able to slide in between the cracks of all the pieces, if you enable them to.

And the pawns.
Ah the pawns.
Only the true masters of the game know how to use them.

Only you can determine the battle between light and dark, whatever that may be.

Only you.
Why is this on my mind trying to sleep, I'm not even good at chess
60 · Apr 2020
Do you truly understand?
Thead Apr 2020
I wonder, do you truly understand?
Do you know what its like to doubt the thought that guides the hand?

Do you feel fear tremor in the thought of thinking of gods plan?
Or being left to rot in this world like an empty, spoiled can.

**** it.. this whiskey understands.
#psychosis
57 · Jan 2020
Ah
Thead Jan 2020
Ah
Feelings of being free
  Souls born through the curse of misery

Born to shake away that feeling
  Take back the time it's been stealing

Learn, live in peace and prosperity
56 · Jan 2020
Tears of the Class Clown
Thead Jan 2020
He Laughs... but on the inside he's dying,
None of his friends will ever see him crying.

Or know of the thoughts that come in the silence,
Many, too many, reasons why he resorts to violence.

So he makes them laugh, instead of a future,
and knows his own destiny is a joke.
52 · Jun 2020
The Gods Nectar
Thead Jun 2020
I have the soul of a poet, the heart of the sea.
I drink sparkling cheap moet, so much I don't see,

The grimness and darkness, of the world that I live in,
The cry of the fledglings with unspun wings,

The kind looks on faces, with many deep wrinkles,
hear the gentle sweet buzzing, of hundreds of bees.

I drink down the serum, designed by the Gods, to make my brain forever cease to work.
But the hate and the anger, the sadness the madness, leaves me tossing and turning until I come back to birth.

Consider my father, my mother, my brother, shackled to systems, when they are the one's who know what is best,
My blood and my bone, as sure as stone, thinking in patterns that they never thought to contest.

So I pick up the pen, the paper, the journal, with the fury of one who see's what is.
the wraps and the chains, strapped fast to our brains, that once we shake off is eternal bliss.

The shades on our eyes, the tailor made suits, worn by myself and the children who never matured,
Who found meaning for life, in a mob or a job, worn down by a life that they endured.

So I pick up the bottle instead of the pen, knowing that it will kiss me goodnight,
Then I put down the bottle, the smoke, and the pen, and the paper gives me the will to continue the fight.
48 · Jan 2020
Dear Diary #0
Thead Jan 2020
I told myself long ago that it was better to feel nothing, to feel nothing at all in a wash of grey melodrama, than to experience this pain.
And I did succeed in feeling nothing, for a time, through many, many different vices. But I forgot that I chose to feel nothing. I forgot it was my decision to get into that habit, of blaming everyone else, because if I accepted it, it was my fault and therefore could be subjected to it's feeling.

And I think we all choose this when we are very young, because it is ****** upon us in this unforgiving world and we forget that it is our mentality, our way of thinking, our way out of pain that causes us the long term damage, and develops into mental, illnesses. And then once it is an illness, it its attacked or defended at all costs.

I am so used to opposing every feeling, thought, potentially good relationship because I am still bleeding from the heartache of my young life, the shockingly painful trauma that we try to decipher with a child's mind. In everyone's lives it is just as fresh, no matter the experience.

I looked to actors as role models, when my parents proved that they were human too. Then to fantasies, to games, to escape life, even just for a little while. I was constantly in the dark, hiding away from the pain. And along the way, I forgot how to turn the light back on. I forgot that the switch had always been in my hands, that it was my decision to turn it off in the first place.
And I don't think the pain is too bad anymore. The past can only hurt us if we don't accept it.

— The End —