If I voiced my pain
Could you hear it?

Or would it be more static
In the white noise?

I love the flaws on my body
Freckles, scars, and stretch marks
And wrinkles are my favorite
Some are from frowns
And many more from grins
I love them all because
I never thought I'd have any of them

I never thought
I'd make it this far

But I did
So I'll add
And add

Until my collection of stories
Marks me
From head to foot

And then I think
I'll tell all my children
How wonderful wrinkles are

They say you can't judge a book by its cover
It is arrogant, and stupid and blind
But I can judge a book by its name
Don't object, let me explain my mind

An author wrote this book and these lives
They penned theses glorious victories
Let us and the written experience joy
Then created the following tragedies.

They gave life and adventure
They gave love and loss
They showed what we should treasure
And showed us the cost

I know I can judge by title
Because it is more than a shame
A crime really, for an author
To give the work a half hearted name

Because for every work of art there is
One perfect word or one resounding phrase
But can only be found by skill and soul
One phrase amoung trillions takes the day

I wish I were someone
Who never forgot how to smile

But I did

So now I want to be someone
who always forgets to stop

I stand here in the mists of uncertainty
Fierce in fidelity, firm in my affection
And unsure if I am alone in this place

I watch every wisp in empty air
Making solid hopes of shifting shapes
Ignoring shadowy doubts thick upon the ground

Believing that every new second
Holds your voice calling for me
And every next glance meets yours

Yet you remain ephemeral
And I'm left spinning in the obfuscation
Hearing echos and seeing ghosts

There is no space with enough space
And certainly no beauty or grace
In these knee-buckling bouts of anxiety
When sanity comes apart at the seams
And crazy doesn't seem a description too extreme

Crazy must be what I am
Because how did I let my life get so far out of hand?
That I'm here, now, melting down like a nuclear plant
Radioactive but not like the hulk or superman
Just hoping I have strength enough left to stand

I believe I'll make it out eventually
But until then
I am the enemy, the survivor
And the battle they fought in

Once I wondered if I show give my poems to those whom they are about

To show them the pain that leak out of my pen in between the anger and regret

I wondered if giving them my anguish cloaked in paper would free me

Would the ink from the page seep into their fingers and stain them, like they did me

And I want it; I want it like broken glass shards want to cut, to give the pain away

As if additional pain ever made a glass cup whole again, able to be filled again

But then I remembered that I was the victim not perpetrator and I never will be like them

So I will show my pain to the world not in vengeance but anonymity

I'm so glad God
Didn't give me what I wanted

Because what I wanted
Was so much less than He gave me

Because I never could have imagined
Someone as wonderful as you

So I thank God that you
Were the miracle that I needed

When I was unsure
Fear held me so tight
It hurt to move in any direction
But at least I was held

When I was despairing
Sadness would tell me
All that was wrong with me and the world
But at least I was acknowledged

When I was alone
Pain reached out
and filled me with anguish
But at least I wasn't empty

So now I look for the lost
And be a friend they can walk with
So they don't wander so far away
That Death is the only one who can find them

I want to wonder like you do
Why rainbows paint the sky
I want to forget like you do
That last moment you wanted to cry

I want to find joy like you do
In all the little things
I want to laugh like you do
When you dance and sing

I want to be like you are now
Just as I once was
And think the world is amazing
For no reason, just because

God said, I need your hope to be stronger

I thought, He wants me to believe in this relationship harder and longer.

I knew I was wrong when He said walk away.
Now I know, he meant believe you can get through the grey.

He meant, believe you can love again and that I have a better match

But I don't think I'll succeed,
I think I'm burned out at last.

I want you to be my forever
But I don't need you to be

And of course it will break my heart
If you decide to leave

But it will not break my soul
This will not be the end of my story

And with all that said and true
I can feel the dread fill my body

That something I can't change
Will make you unable to love me

That I'll lose out on a future with you
Because I am sick and there is no remedy

In all that is worth seeking
I've never sought for greek love
For they warn of the heart as
They warn of Tartarus

The price of you grew
But at first it was only a little drama
I can still hear the Fates' laugh
As I pulled out my drachmas

But I didn't mind
Because we were an epic
Of laughter and adventure
Of struggles and magic

Oh but this is Greek love
And I didn't know it
But you were Pandora and her box
You opened it and wreaked havoc

Suddenly I was Atlas
Holding up my world and yours
In endless pain
I was Prometheus, empty at the core

You flew for the sun
Believing yourself Pegasus, not Icarus
When you began to plummet
I dove after you fearless

You fell far under the world
Surrounded by mistakes egregious
I chased you to Hades but tell me
Am I Hercules or Theseus?

I wish I were an evergreen
My faith never withering
My hope bright and alive
With needles stretching heaven ward

Instead I am deciduous
Fleeting, changing, temperamental
So affected by the world
So changed by my environment

Bursting forth in green and flower
In beautiful spiritual moments
Shriveling in the cold bitterness
Of sin's frigid wind

If I am trapped in my nature
Bound by my genetics
Then let me at least fulfill
The measure of my creation

Let my springs be eye-catching
So others can see Thee in me
Let my summers be long
Leaves wide as I soak in the Son

Let my autumns be short
And let my sins fall fast
Let my winters be teachers
Help me to prepare and endure them well

Until I stand before thee
Full of good fruit
Until I can spring up into everlasting life
Purified and made perfect by You

Have you ever fit a *****
Only to find it tweaked?
Have you ever replaced a door hinge
Only to find the new one squeaked?
Or fixed a concern with another?
Because I'm afraid, right now, that's me.

I filled my head with helium
And it keeps trying to float away.
My hands shiver as if cold
On this warm and sunny day.
My heart kicked up its tempo
Though my body only sways.

I think might be dying,
At the very least I'm green.
How long can it freeze my brain,
Clogging up my blood stream?
Until finally I wonder how much
Is too much when taking in caffeine?

You never said I was too much
But you acted like I was

So I curled up to make myself smaller
I pretended I didn't know so I was dumber
I put a break between every action
And my reaction so I could protect myself
And suddenly I was a problem
And the solution was to break me
And really it's not that hard
To destroy something

But no one tells you that breaks make micro fractures
And life's regular wear makes you break even faster

That shrinking meant letting part of you die
So it's slower, it takes longer to again be that high

And by the time you learn that people loved you as you were
You're so far away from the past, you can no longer see her

But if you can get back to the beginning
Where you were incredible
Simply because you were living

All the growth and intelligence
Back to a personality effervescent
You'll be rooted all the more firmly in your present

Because now you'll know that ground lost
Is not progress irredeemable
But a fight that can be won again
And royalty is more that an environment regal

Your mind is an artisan of words,

Infusing the mundane with fantasy

Crafting dreams to reality



So pick it up like a pen

And write yourself a better story

He would dash to doorstep to greet me
Waving hi with the trees
Making me feel happy

He liked to run his fingers through my hair,
Or gave me a little shove
Making me feel loved

As I walked, he spun and danced around,
With the leaves chasing him
Making me shake my head and grin

He was an adventure when he took my hand
And I felt at home when he held me
He made me feel safe and free

So now I want someone who
Loved me like the wind did

You watch for shooting stars
You look so hard
That the stars seem to shift

Once, twice, thrice,
You see their tails from the periphery
Till you turn and nothing's there

Maybe you imagined them
Per chance they were never even there
Probably just a trick of the light

Then a bright one streaks across the sky
And you know the others with fiction
Now that you've seen the real thing

This is how shooting stars
Are like true love.

Nobody want their life to fall to pieces
But if the space wasn't cleared
Where would you build
The person you want to become?

If I cannot fly,
Does that make the sky
Any less that amazing for a bird

If I cannot breath underwater
Does that make the beautiful blue depths
Any less perfect for a fish

And life for them in my shoes
Trapped on the earth would be hard
Despite the sunsets and music

So no, you are not hard to love
Not for the right person, not even for most
I'm just sorry you found a fish out of water before me

He takes my hand,
I feel and I don't
I feel pressure and warmth
Not the butterflies or glow

He is trustworthy
I let him in and I don't
I open my soul because he'll respect it
But I'm on edge in case he won't

We talk like time is expendable
I get lost in him and I don't
Because it's so easy to let go
But I've lived all this before

And I know that something is wrong
But don't know what it is because

My heart feels numb
My head feels hollow
I hold back like everything depends on it
I lead, too afraid to follow

Because my last flame was so bright
That it ended with me burned
I hope I'm still just healing
Scars fading into lessons learned

And if that is not the case
Then the damage is deeper
Than skin, tissue, or bone
Making every sensation cheaper

That means it's down to the nerve
And my heart will never quite feel
That I'll never be the same
Because nerve damage doesn't heal

Wait long enough
And you can see mental health

In sunny smiles
Or suspicious scars
In honesty or
Insomnia
In a growing circle
Or a new addiction

And unless it's reversed
It's grows and grows till you know
With certainty not suspicion

I blend in
I bloom by the wall
I fade into the background
At the edge of where the spotlight falls

Enough light to survive
To be seen by some eyes
Who stop and care for a moment
But only give out goodbyes

I'm not flashy
Not fabulous
But still worth seeing
And knowing I promise

I have good to give
Maybe unconventionally strong
I'm just afraid that to be known
Means also to be stepped on

"Home again home again
My my it's been a while"
My old demon sneers
With his sickening smile

"Hope you didn't dream
I'd never come back"
He scowls and snarls
"You're not lucky 'nough for that"

I shiver in shock
Then shatter and shrink
I thought I was free
The only thing I can think

"You aren't free at all
Never were, never will be"
He says, his shadow surrounding
"Never enough to beat me"

Deep in my darkening mind
A little light doesn't give in
Stalwart and small, it says
Not by much but we're stronger than then

The little candle isn't enough
To dispel my old demon
But enough to build myself on
A hope to believe in

Warning:

Crossing a writer's path
Means becoming part of their world
It means being apart of their words

Maybe as a muse
Maybe as a shade
Maybe as the home
We return to everyday

We do not forget
So rest assured sure, for better or worse
You are somewhere
In all the words we've written

You look great!
You lost a little weight
Even prettier than before
Don't hold out on us anymore

What is your secret?

What do I say now?
Diet? Kale instead of cow
Exercise? A little sweat on the brow
Should I share a hard truth or easy lies?

What if I said

Anxiety actually
Destroys my skin, my sleep
The last sheds of my sanity
But hey, at least I'm skinny

Tell me again
Where I am safe again
The house I'm within?
In the crowd of a million?
Anywhere the sun is shinin'?

Do you really believe this?
Because I really believed this
'Til I met those who readily dismiss
The rules on which we subsist
Who turn safety into an abyss

Because that's the thing about being safe,
We aren't the only ones who get a say
And it's not hard for another to take it away

You changed the climate

With just a passing compliment,

You were the rain,

That fell on an arid desert plain

Your kindness fell on me

And it no longer hurt to breathe

You'll never see tomorrow's sunrise.
Were you afraid it wouldn't come?

Was the darkness too empty?  
Or the night too long?
Was last night for you this lonely?

Would this horizon have made you smile?
Or one more worry for the list?

Were the demands on you too great?
Was there a tipping point I missed?
Or something that could've made you stay?

Today I promise,
To take the weaknesses that tripped me
And walk with more purpose tomorrow

Today I promise,
To give away my sins to you
And let it nourish my gratitude

Today I promise,
To look up from my pain
And let it fuel my compassion for another

Today I promise,
To be better than I've ever been
For I know more now than ever before

I know you had to leave
So thank you for leaving
Pieces of you behind
In everything you loved

I'll seek them like a treasure hunt
And they'll find me when I fall
And they'll make smile with my heart
Until we meet again

I used to think the worse thing
Was feeling my mind dying
In the blackness, in the pain
But there's something worse than that bane

It's the shifting gravel below me that begins
   To trickle off the cliff, into the wind
       Knowing that I will follow in stride
         And nothing I can do will turn the tide

What is a perfect storm?
Something beautiful? Something wonderful?
Something tragic? Something terrible?

Do you wish it had never wreaked havoc?
Do you wish sometimes it would come back?
Was the magic worth the madness?

I wonder and wonder and wonder
When you left, If you were worth
The world you tore asunder.

I loved you but not like you deserved
So I left, hoping you'd find a girl
who could love you without reserve

Today I met her,

And left happy, confused, and speechless
Because my face broke into a smile
But my heart broke into pieces

I'll never tell you this
But part of me is still that 11 year old
Who broke down crying to you.

The one who saw you sob
Like you never had before

The one who heard you say
That my words hurt you

That little girl is still here trying to figure out
How to bring up how she feels
Without hurting anyone else

We hope for "once in a million" loves
We envy  "once upon a time" romances
But no one knows how to find them
Because really what are the chances?

Ah but we know the chances!
So don't give up at one or two
Or twelve or three thousand and six
For a million tries is worth a love that's true

I hurt him again
With the choices I made

I tell him to move on
To give up on me

I'll never be better
I think on my knees

He kneels down next to me
I wait for him to get angry

He reaches out
I pull away flinching

He keep going
Takes my hand gently

He pulls me up
While I look down at my feet

He pulls me in
"I know what you did"

I cry into His shoulder
"It's okay I forgive, like it never happened"

The weight on my soul falls
And again I am free to better than I was

Because God so loved the world
And imperfect little me

That He sent a perfect Son
To close the distance between Him and me

I love you enough to be honest
Even when it's hardest
And to let you close when I'm weakest
Though I'd rather you not see this
Because you've come and you've stayed
Through the blackest nights
And the longest days

I love you enough to have listened
With judgement suspended
And to push you to grow
And hold you when you're low
I love you enough to see your demons
And not see you differently
Because you really aren't them

I'll love you with my words
Until you believe what you've heard
And when my words aren't up to *****
When they don't say enough
I'll have my actions speak
And pick up the trail
Where my words ceased