I fought for the confidence
To say I like who I am

To believe that I am worth the war
And I am proud of this victory
Above any other

In the past
I only saw what I hated

Later I saw
Qualities in me that I loved

Now I see only
Someone who is loved

Now I realize they are too different things
To be lovely and to be loved

And I'd rather be the latter

You never said I was too much
But you acted like I was

So I curled up to make myself smaller
I pretended I didn't know so I was dumber
I put a break between every action
And my reaction so I could protect myself
And suddenly I was a problem
And the solution was to break me
And really it's not that hard
To destroy something

But no one tells you that breaks make micro fractures
And life's regular wear makes you break even faster

That shrinking meant letting part of you die
So it's slower, it takes longer to again be that high

And by the time you learn that people loved you as you were
You're so far away from the past, you can no longer see her

But if you can get back to the beginning
Where you were incredible
Simply because you were living

All the growth and intelligence
Back to a personality effervescent
You'll be rooted all the more firmly in your present

Because now you'll know that ground lost
Is not progress irredeemable
But a fight that can be won again
And royalty is more that an environment regal

I'll never tell you this
But part of me is still that 11 year old
Who broke down crying to you.

The one who saw you sob
Like you never had before

The one who heard you say
That my words hurt you

That little girl is still here trying to figure out
How to bring up how she feels
Without hurting anyone else

Today I promise,
To take the weaknesses that tripped me
And walk with more purpose tomorrow

Today I promise,
To give away my sins to you
And let it nourish my gratitude

Today I promise,
To look up from my pain
And let it fuel my compassion for another

Today I promise,
To be better than I've ever been
For I know more now than ever before

In a circumstance, where I did nothing bad
Somehow I am still the monster

You wreaked havoc with him, I held my peace
And no one knew your misdeeds

I bore alone my broken mind
All in the name of being kind

Until you decided the destruction was his
And you were the victim

So you told your tale to the masses
And gained all their sympathy

And I said nothing, I lost my chance to tell my side
What do you care, you have a ring and a guy

And me? I am still in silent pain
Because only a monster blames the victim

Maybe God is letting you struggle with addiction
So you can show the world how God heals addiction

Maybe God is letting you struggle with depression
So you can show others that it isn't just people whose brains work right that believe

Maybe God tried to stop you from all the choices that got you here
And when you made your choices anyway then He got to show the world that He can bring anyone back from the brink

Maybe He is using your trials to prove that the gospel is for everyone,
can comfort anyone,
and to give you compassion for those who also struggle, just not always in the same way

Because He is the God of all people, of every step of the journey home, and of every second in this life and the next

I hurt him again
With the choices I made

I tell him to move on
To give up on me

I'll never be better
I think on my knees

He kneels down next to me
I wait for him to get angry

He reaches out
I pull away flinching

He keep going
Takes my hand gently

He pulls me up
While I look down at my feet

He pulls me in
"I know what you did"

I cry into His shoulder
"It's okay I forgive, like it never happened"

The weight on my soul falls
And again I am free to better than I was

Because God so loved the world
And imperfect little me

That He sent a perfect Son
To close the distance between Him and me

I'm not the cursing kind
But if I was, this'd be the moment
To find out that you thought
You could be the author of this poet

You sat there and believed
That if you used my words and voice
And spoke as though you were me
You could dictate my choice

But now I am aware
I'm awake and angry
And a little betrayed
Even if I shouldn't be

Because of course
You'd tear me down inside
That's the job you gave yourself
After you ruined your own life

I let you tell me who I am
I didn't even put up a fight
But now you've really mess it up
Because now I see the light

It's time you stood to the side
I hope it hurts to watch me grow
More than you ever said I could
More than even I now know

Because the evil I've seen in me
So much of it was actually you
As you masterminded my meanest thoughts
Had me speak them as if they're true

So as I close my eyes and mouth to you
I'll make sure my ears join in
For I won't play your games anymore
And by walking away I win

I win a better world for me
One where I live bolder
And believe the best of me
Having cast the devil off my shoulder

I make all these realizations
And after all this time
I stand to look at the mirror
And the face I see is mine

Loving someone isn't just giving your heart to them
Or sharing every shade of memory
It's giving away space in your mind
A place they will always occupy
And then reaching out to the space
And feeling it's pulse like a heart beat
Because their pain and joy and stress is yours
And while you can't always control the distance between you
Part of them can never leave you
That's why love doesn't understand distance

That's why with time zones between us
I can still hold you and still love you

Live, burn, and rise from the ashes
Never really dying
Because their end's
A magnificent beginning

Living in bright colors
Catching every eye
As they fly on by
Born for the spotlight

Famed for their flaming rose
How have I never seen the thorns?
Yes they live forever
They they must burn to be reborn

And after their fiery end
They wake again
To the jealousy of the masses
And the promise of future pain

I know you heard me
But did you listen?

I know you felt sorry
But did you empathize?

Do you not see
Because you don't care enough to look?

I can make myself speak,
But I don't know how to be clear

When I am drowning
I don't have the energy to draw diagrams

I wonder if you realize

That the nose you wish to change
Was your grandfather's

That the mouth you wish was fuller
Is just like your aunt's

And your entirely unmanageable hair
Is from your father

That you are carrying your mother with you
Every time you laugh

And your beautiful little sister and you
Will lose your last name but not that freckle on your left hand

You're a mosaic of everything that has been loved before
And will be loved again in you

If I cannot fly,
Does that make the sky
Any less that amazing for a bird

If I cannot breath underwater
Does that make the beautiful blue depths
Any less perfect for a fish

And life for them in my shoes
Trapped on the earth would be hard
Despite the sunsets and music

So no, you are not hard to love
Not for the right person, not even for most
I'm just sorry you found a fish out of water before me

When I was unsure
Fear held me so tight
It hurt to move in any direction
But at least I was held

When I was despairing
Sadness would tell me
All that was wrong with me and the world
But at least I was acknowledged

When I was alone
Pain reached out
and filled me with anguish
But at least I wasn't empty

So now I look for the lost
And be a friend they can walk with
So they don't wander so far away
That Death is the only one who can find them

On your marks...

Get set...

And the gun fires

Some start the race fast
Others slow
But you can bet that the runners
Around you will change
As the race goes

I've gone fast
And slow
I've tripped, fallen
and even stopped walking.
I was ready for everything

Everything but this
We ran side by side
Not always talking
But always there

Then you were gone
You quit, you left
The race for you is over
But I must run on
Even as my heart breaks
And my feet ache

I remember when we were both small

You grew up first, but I more tall

You come and go like the tide

I'm steady always waiting to be by your side

I wasn't big enough to hold you back then

But now I'm strong, sturdy, and trim

So build a house with me

One in which your kids can dream

Love,

Your Tree

Time doesn't play by your rules
The pain always comes back
Whether it's been five days or fifty years
It just takes the right scalpel
To find your weak spot

I blend in
I bloom by the wall
I fade into the background
At the edge of where the spotlight falls

Enough light to survive
To be seen by some eyes
Who stop and care for a moment
But only give out goodbyes

I'm not flashy
Not fabulous
But still worth seeing
And knowing I promise

I have good to give
Maybe unconventionally strong
I'm just afraid that to be known
Means also to be stepped on

I don't have enough light

To turn black to blue

But I'll take the light I find

And give it all to you

I'll be your beacon in the gloom

Love,

The Moon

I've read of disaster
I've imagined catastrophe
But nothing prepared
For the moment it happened to me

In fact, instead of more real
My world became surreal
But this time I couldn't turn the pages
Stuck in the realest of unreal cages

At dusk, my nightmares breathed
And my demons grinned in glee
But my body was frozen
Like maybe stillness could save me

But in this, my worst of dreams,
Honesty's the monster, reality my enemy
And the more they show their ugly faces
The more my happily ever after loses pages

Because the unthinkable to me
Was an option somewhere in his psyche
So in the ruins of my plans for the future
I choose to escape this saddest of stupors

This moment is precious
To someone who no longer has many more

So hug your mom
Who spent her moments caring for you

Conquer that fear
That makes you feel trapped today

Call a friend
And memorize the sound of their laugh

Take a deep breath
And be grateful for this perfect second

Kiss your sweetheart
You'll never regret one more I love you

Because this moment is precious
To someone who longer has many more

Have you ever been hurt so bad,
That the thought of it all,
Causes an emotional relapse?

And you live the nightmare over again,
Because the small thing in your life now,
Reminds you of diaster of then.

A 99% difference in everything,
But it's enough,
Just that one little thing.

So you tear up your growth,
You hide in the dirt,
From the possible futures good, bad, or both.

Because in your periphery you see,
What looks like the past catching up,
And you'd do anything to be free.

You'd cuts ties with the good and the new,
Ruining it all because,
Survival clouds your view.

And you would have ruined it all
Except you take back the reins
Far too strong to fall

You've made it too far
Become something different
And moved up the bar

A pheonix in creation
You'll always come back better
From relapse to rehabilitation

I will forever be the "make it work" kid
Born to take what I am given
The "actually this is even better" girl
"Leave it better than it was" kind of living

I'll take a bad and find the good
Take the good and make it great
Infuse the great with some laughter
Forcing trials to blessings by sheer mental strength

Until I made a friend who was perfect
Who made the hard times breezy
And fair weather days even better
So strong she made life look easy

Until I met a boy who was kind
And thinks the world of imperfect me
Who was raised to be a gentleman
A safe space where I feel free

I guess some things just come wonderful
They don't need to be made better
Reminding that rainbows come from rain
And there's a true upside to every weather

I was lost in the worry
That should be here but it's not
Trying to believe and be happy
But waiting for the other shoe to drop

I was ready with an umbrella
A wind breaker and sunscreen
Sunshine daily but you don't call me silly
You just ask if you can carry anything

I'm learning to trust the ground we walk on
Because maybe not all ice is thin
Winter days don't have to be bitter
And nights can just be for stars and wishin'

And new days are new adventures
Not a game of dice or roulette
And walks are for long talks
Not for escaping and secrets

Because my definition of love wasn't wrong
Just the connotations
And you wrote over them in red ink
Giving me back a better edition

And while my eyes still drop
When that song comes on
And I have to disappear to deal
With memories I'd thought were gone

You wait and you're patient
As I heal from all the heartache
Still I'm sorry you have to be careful
Because of the mess someone else made

But I'm learning from you that love can be good
It doesn't always break, not always made of glass
Sometimes it's made of rubber
It may fall but it's durable, forever bouncing back

I think I would have fallen for you
Even if I were blind

Because your laugh
Makes me grin like a fool

Because even in blackness
Your character would still be visible

I think I would have fallen for you
Even if I were deaf

Because nothing quite steals my breath
Like the way you smile

And nothing quite melts my heart like
Watching you care without a speck of guile

I think I would have fallen for you
Even if you were mute

Because we still would have talked the night away without a single phrase

And been bound together by the adventures
That came along the way

So I don't think there was a way that I wouldn't have ended up right here

Watching you tell me another story
And falling without a moment of fear

He takes my hand,
I feel and I don't
I feel pressure and warmth
Not the butterflies or glow

He is trustworthy
I let him in and I don't
I open my soul because he'll respect it
But I'm on edge in case he won't

We talk like time is expendable
I get lost in him and I don't
Because it's so easy to let go
But I've lived all this before

And I know that something is wrong
But don't know what it is because

My heart feels numb
My head feels hollow
I hold back like everything depends on it
I lead, too afraid to follow

Because my last flame was so bright
That it ended with me burned
I hope I'm still just healing
Scars fading into lessons learned

And if that is not the case
Then the damage is deeper
Than skin, tissue, or bone
Making every sensation cheaper

That means it's down to the nerve
And my heart will never quite feel
That I'll never be the same
Because nerve damage doesn't heal

A patchwork of her past
Where pain and joy overlap
In stretch marks and stupid scars
In laugh lines, and inked art

Every sun-kissed spot
And Marilyn Monroe dot
Speak of habits and genetics
Of insecurities or aesthetics

So ask her for the stories
Some funny, some boring
From "I slipped and split my chin"
To "that dare I had to win"

And for others, she flinches
Stories measured in miles not inches
Scars that trace back to the heart or mind
That maybe she'll tell you another time

We may wish some tales weren't written
But nothing's real without dimension
So for all the obvious or obscure we can see
Maybe we should rethink the term "skin deep"

I wish I were an evergreen
My faith never withering
My hope bright and alive
With needles stretching heaven ward

Instead I am deciduous
Fleeting, changing, temperamental
So affected by the world
So changed by my environment

Bursting forth in green and flower
In beautiful spiritual moments
Shriveling in the cold bitterness
Of sin's frigid wind

If I am trapped in my nature
Bound by my genetics
Then let me at least fulfill
The measure of my creation

Let my springs be eye-catching
So others can see Thee in me
Let my summers be long
Leaves wide as I soak in the Son

Let my autumns be short
And let my sins fall fast
Let my winters be teachers
Help me to prepare and endure them well

Until I stand before thee
Full of good fruit
Until I can spring up into everlasting life
Purified and made perfect by You

Have you ever fit a *****
Only to find it tweaked?
Have you ever replaced a door hinge
Only to find the new one squeaked?
Or fixed a concern with another?
Because I'm afraid, right now, that's me.

I filled my head with helium
And it keeps trying to float away.
My hands shiver as if cold
On this warm and sunny day.
My heart kicked up its tempo
Though my body only sways.

I think might be dying,
At the very least I'm green.
How long can it freeze my brain,
Clogging up my blood stream?
Until finally I wonder how much
Is too much when taking in caffeine?