Explosion in funky beats
Dreams in the key of acid
The Ascension of Coltrane himself
Nothing more Nothing less
Bliss in raging fevers
The exact color of exquisite
Heartbeats in lime and bubbles
with a dash of salt
Help you remember how it feels
to feel

you told me you loved me
that i would always have a special place in your heart
you wiped my tears away with your thumbs repeatedly
as i broke down in front of you in that parking lot
you told me that you would always be there for me
that i could reach out to you at any moment

well
you lied

i guess when the circumstances changed
so did the conditions of your words

i hate you for it
for showing me what love could look like
but part of me doesn't
it thanks you for giving me that experience

it was a grounding moment for me
one that breathed so much life into my lungs
yet your silence soon afterwards felt more crushing than any simile i could think of

fu*k you
but also
thank you

you held me in your delicate hands
and never shushed or interrupted me as i began to chaotically unravel at the seams i spent so many years ensuring were kept tight and pristine

you witnessed me as i broke down
shattered myself into fragmented pieces
of what was once a mastered façade of protective perfection
and you never once abandoned me

you told me with a warm smile that reached the corner of your eyes
that my sharp edges
were worth the piercing pain that you briefly felt deeply
as they dug into your flesh

you kept all my pieces
even the ones i wanted to throw away
toss into the ocean of shame and denial
hoping they would stay there
buried beneath the dark abyss

you kept all my pieces
and told me that each one was precious
each one served me in its own valuable way
even if i was not able to see it at the time

you held me in the palm of your hands
modelled for me a concept i only knew to be familiar with in theory
not practice

you simultaneously held me with such gentleness and fierceness
it's something that makes me feel seen
makes me feel heard
it’s something I feel without a word or look
it’s your presence alone

you held me until i began to learn that i could hold all parts of myself with my own two lonely hands
that have craved
for so long
to express unconditional love
as difficult as it is

and for that
i dedicate this poem to you

thank you for listening to my soul
to the poetry of my grief as it spills from my body
through silence
tears
through breath
words
and movement

thank you
[ slow inhale and exhale to grant the breath the space to be ]
thank you

i've spent far too long
              compromising my sense of self
grating my back against the broken shards of angry takers

i'm giving my best to the wrong set
               cracking my chest over and over
and before the breach heals
                 i hand the chisel
                         to a new set of hands
unrelenting and unforgiving

                                  i should still remain a light
                                  i should still remain in love

it's all i know how to be
                            all i can see
is the very best of people
                            even if they're mean

there's no glory in this test
i'm just rolling stones up unrelenting hills
                        
                                  ­      hoping for the best