After him
Life feels
like a masquerade
Like I have to search
Everyone
To find who they are
without their mask
What scars and hideous features
lie beneath
What they aren’t willing to show

he hid everything
And I didn’t search his face
deep enough
to see the lines
where his mask ended
and his face began

                                        so
                                                                                                                                                                                                i
                                                                            blurred
                                                                                                                                                                                 the
         Lines

Time passed as I started
to wear a mask of my own
I thought I was like you
I thought I had to hide my scars
When I should have asked for help
I thought I had to hide my face
and what calamities lie beneath

But none are quite as ferocious as I believed
the most evil parts of me are born out of old wounds
And dulled by a little bit of love and elbow grease



Dear me,

Honey, come out of the shadows
Take off the mask
Show us all your scars
Let us help you heal
Let us help you
Let us be with you
Let us care
Let us in

And we’ll do great things in you

And most of all

Show us that smile
Cause you’re gonna need to practice
for when it all turns round
Cause I guarantee you
You’re gonna need it

Sincerely,
yourself and your allies (you have more than you know)

-hello gorgeous, you know we love you.

Devised movement
A system of choreography
Follows an idea,


There are three worlds,
Three moments
That exist in
every action

Before the touch

-The tension you feel when you look him in the eyes before you kiss him
When you don’t know what you’re doing
But you want him to be “happy”


During the touch

The instant you kiss him and realize,
You made the wrong decision
The instant
Where movement and regret
Flow seamlessly together
Two words on a page
Like love and loss
Like skin and bone
Like shallow and deep

Like my lips and yours

We were star-crossed
Yet our fates
Were so viciously
Intertwined

Two words on a page
Like yes and no

after the touch

The moment where I chose
the ladder
But you disagreed

You decided
My kiss
Was enough consent
And you didn’t stop
You didn’t slow down

the moment
Where no meant nothing
But nothing was no big deal
And no was nothing
Because no wasn’t enough
And nothing else gave “no” meaning
So no became yes
Even though no was supposed to mean no
And I didn’t know how to fight “yes”
I didn’t know how to stop you

So my no stayed to being my no
And my no stayed to being your yes
And we agreed to disagree
And you told me no didn’t matter
after you kept going

The moment,
When my world fell to pieces
When I lost track of what went where
When I fell so deep into my head
That I didn’t know my own name
And I didn’t know your name
Or what you looked like
Or what I looked like
Or what we were wearing

I disappeared from the present
to resist the memory of
You
Staying in the future

It took me 6 months to remember what shirt I wore
It took you showing up in an old message to remember what you looked like
And it took me 8 months to remember
That even if you disagreed
No meant no
And no
meant no
meant no
meant no

And no meant
what you did will stay with me forever
And no meant
what you did to me
Will never be anything other
Than a painful memory

I finally titled you act
Finally titled you

You were no longer a partner
No longer someone I used to know
No longer
Someone who hurt me
Someone who showed up on facebook
You were my ******
You are my ******

And you will live with that title until the day that you die.

-devised movement, I

I’ve found,
as I grow

Or rather
as I degrade
My mental health


Or rather
As I begin to
spoil

Or rather
As I go through
More and more
Abuse

Or rather
As I go through
more and more
Partners

Or rather
As I go through
More and more
And more
And more,

I begin to wear masks
that don’t belong to me

I pick up bits and pieces
Of who I used to be
And try to put it back together
But I can never find
all the pieces

So I add in
Whatever fragments
I can
to fill the voids
And finally make
a semi-cohesive
facade

-more and more as I get older, I like to play pretend.

Devised movement
A system of choreography
Follows an idea,


There are three worlds,
Three moments
That exist in
every action
(to: Ellie)

Before the touch

The moment when I look you in the eyes
With no intentions
And realize
Just how much I love you
And just how little
I need to clarify that that statement
Comes platonically.
The moment we hang out
With your little sister
And I realize how far I have come
In my recovery
And how much I’ve matured into paternity
And personal capacity for love

During the touch

The moment when I hold both of you in my arms
Holding on tight
to one of the closest realities
I have to family
The moment we catch each others glance
For the second time
And both of our eyes scream that
This is meant to be
That I am her brother
And she is my sister
That blood doesn’t matter here
That nothing holds me back from being
the second best little brother she could ask for
And an amazing second big brother this little girl
Nothing stops me from
Setting an example for these strong beautiful women
Who have given me so much inspiration

After the touch

The moment when your mom comes in
Turns on every light in existence
Blinds us
Then offers us snow cones
(she’s definitely mom)

The moment I am
Reassured that I love all of you

                         -side note, to your trans brother (your actual brother)-

Oliver,

Never let anyone tell you you are not a man

Because you are more of a man than I have ever been
And the older you get the more proud of you I am

Good luck
We all love you.

-Devised movement, II

I have dependency issues.
I imagine
to my friends,
This will come as no shock.
But I’ve recently begun to understand
How  I cling to the people in my life desperately
As if they were my only lifeline
And how unhealthy it is
it leads to overstayed welcomes
and long hugs (that they don’t enjoy)
I send late-night texts trying to confirm that they care about me

My mom never really gave a ****
Even the times it seemed like she did were just to bring
down the impact of her manipulative behavior

To normalize my abuse

it worked

She only slapped me twice
But she taught my brother how to hit
so much harder

I never realized there was anything wrong
I thought this was what everyone lived with.
I’m still so used to taking care of myself.
That I have a hard time
Admitting it’s my parent's job

“I’m 14, I can handle myself”

that’s how I tried to convince CPS there was nothing wrong
After I told a teacher that
I should be kept away from high places

It was a joke

When my earth is crumbling I shade my sun with a red and blue moon.
I hope the hues of comedy
will mix to form a perfect periwinkle
But instead the contrasting strands tie me in a
mismatched world of juxtaposed emotions

Ups

And

Downs


Gas-lighting teaches you a binary world
I see no nuances of gray
Sometimes the whites, and bright vivid colors can be alluring
But the pitch-black is inescapable
And every time I see it coming
I cling to any affection I can
The moment someone gives me attention, I fall for them
Just in time for them to lose interest in me
Leaving me perfectly ready
to crumble to a  
m i l l i o n    p i e c e s  
at my next obsession’s feet

-4:00 am Thoughts

Her voice
Is smooth as silk
Soothing as a rainy haze
The stunning force
That collected the stars
in the night sky
before my eyes and ears

Her smile
Bright as the moon
Effervescently flows
through the emptiness
between the stars
Making the sky whole again
Making my  sky
Whole
Again

Her music is a breath of fresh air

I’ve been suffocating so long
I’m finally taking a moment to
Slow things down
Soak in the beauty
she shows me
so effortlessly

Her voice
Is what my words aren’t capable of

Her smile
Is infectious

Her beauty
Is flawless
I would fall for her any day

-electricity

She is a friend
Nothing more
But more importantly
N o t h i n g
Less

A friend

And I’m glad
I still get
to listen
To her voice
And see
Her smile

Because

Even with her
Having a partner
I’m allowed
to smile back

Even without her
Being more than
her
I’m still allowed to enjoy
her presence
And that’s
exactly
what I’m going to do

thank you
\
-meet rubber