Father (verb)

1) to take care of
Someone who needs you;
To teach someone how
To end up better than
You did

To form a bond that
Starts a cycle of
Collective growth

2) to scorn and intimidate
Through verbal degrading,
Lack of support/love

To force someone to be
Better than you by
Necessity to grow

Poet (verb)

1) to search for words
That don’t exist
To try to describe
the indescribable
To feebly attempt
Making sense out of
the crazy world around you.

2) to never stop
Writing;
To forget how to
Let go of a pen
While simultaneously
Learning how
to let go

Human (verb)

1) to utterly ****
something up… and
Then learn from it

2) To fight without
End; to become better

To strive for a better
Tomorrow than today

3) to lose yourself,
And everyone else in
The process, as you
Spiral and deteriorate

4) to **** up
Or
To waste 20 years
learning that it’s
Ok to do so.

I’m not who I wanted to be
I am the sum of my broken parts

This is my acne
These are my scars
These are the creaks and cracks of my joints
This is my unrelenting back pain
This is my hypertension
This is my hypermobility
This is my loud mouth
These are my blind eyes beneath the glasses
This is me

I am not who I wanted to be

This is my living hell
This is my loss of hope
This is my lack of will
This is me giving up

And this is me dragging myself
out of the gutter
with the help of
some words

These are the words
I’m using to breathe
Myself back to life

The words I’m using to breathe
Cause it’s been too long since I have

I’m not who I
Wanted
To be

But I am me.
And me is who I
want to be

And me
Is me
Is me
Is me
And me is ok

This is my face
My acne is allowed

This is arm
My scars were a mistake

These are my joints
They creak and crack
But they try to keep me standing

This is my back
It holds my pain
But still keeps me straight

This is my hypertension
It causes my pain some days
But it reminds me of the work I need to do

This is my hyper-mobility
It causes my joints to do what they do
But it gives me some fun party tricks

This is my loud mouth
You can judge if you want
But it lets me speak my truth

These are my blind eyes
But under the glasses
They’re pale sky blue
Is unbeatable

This is me
And me isn’t perfect
But me tries
Every day
To keep me afloat
In this rocky boat

These parts are broken
But that doesn’t make me broken
I could use some work
And I always need a helping hand (fixer-upper)

I am more than broken parts
My sum is greater than these parts
My flaws don’t define my worth

So here I am

Standing in front of you
I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stand

But I can still sit in front of you
I can still be in front of you if I can’t stand
And my legs don’t stop me from writing
My back doesn’t stop the power my words hold

I still need to figure out who I am
But whoever that is
I’m proud to know him
I’m proud I’ve made it this far
I’m proud I was able to live and love and laugh
I’m proud to know some of the people I’ve known
I’m proud to be me
And I won’t apologize for that


-unapologetically me

2:00 am,
The shadows
Begin to attack
Like clockwork

The shapes in my mind
Project themselves
to nightmares;
Even wide awake

the silhouettes of
the most
terrifying
demons I own

I cast a whimper
Of light from the
Most terrified
Parts of my being

But they are
Drowned out
By his
Memory

Him
The monster
in my systematic
“Fairytale” wreckage

Him
The words I
Dare not say
To stay whole

Him
The actions that
have already split
Me into fractions

When I look at you
All I can see is his
Shadow splayed
Across your face

Across
the walls
The ceiling
The floor

His voice echos
Through
The stairway
The hallway

I’m stuck in
His house
No matter
Where I live


I’m not afraid
Of the dark
Just the absence
Of life

My back
Is tied
in knots

Each nerve-ous
Connection screams
As they unravel

The first time
It’s touched
It sends
Shock-waves
Through me

As if it were
Afraid of
It’s own ability
to unwind

It is pressed
pushed
And pulled

In vain
Attempts
To fix
Me

But it simply
Sends more shocks

With each rotation
You feel the crunch
You feel the crack
Under the pressure

You feel your muscles
Creak
As they stretch

You feel your tendons
Pop
As they bend

The pain screams
No
No
No

But you know
The pain
Is wrong

If you never
Suffer the pain
It takes to fix this
You’ll never know

The relief of
What it feels
Like when the
weight
Is finally gone

When you can
Be touched
Without flinching

When you can be held
And have one less reason
to cry

Sometimes pain is needed
To fix old trauma

And pain is still pain

But as tangled as I am
I would try anything
To unsnarl myself

-knots (massage therapy)

Dear Dad,

The next time you call me
An *******
I might become one.
If I do, I will be the epitome of everything I have repulsed
The entity
I would do anything
To be the opposite of:
You.

The next time you step up
Inches away
Grappling my arm
With a dense, puffed up facade of masculinity
I-might-Snap.
Not that violence
Would really make a difference
What-so-ever
But
*******
It
Would
Feel
Good
To
Punch
You

In
The
Face.

I am only capable
Of  t h i s
Because of  y o u
When you taught me how to be a “man”
There was a mistranslation
Somewhere along the line I learned to repeat
“Masculinity” and  “Violence”
On the same line
On the same page
Of a book I would read
Too many
*******
Times
Dear Dad,
Tell me everything is fine
I dare you
Tell me what you want, but
The next time you kick me out;

I
Am
Not

Coming
Back

-dis-functional