Wishes
They never come true
If some do
Was only by fluke.
A shooting star
So I wished once more
Just to be sure
Wishes did not in fact come true
But there you were
My fluke.
Proof.
It’s true.
Until Now, here I sit
With only memories of you
That’s it.  
Looking to see another shooting star
Hoping for one more fluke
To wish I’d never wished for you.

I'm bitter and broken.
My heart is so cold
Better yet, it's frozen.
I once was grateful and kind,
Sometimes firm but
soft spoken.
I once was happy, and caring
fun and outgoing.
I loved to laugh out loud,
I liked to make people happy,
And see them smile.
But that part of me is gone,
and has been for a while.
Why was I  chosen
to be unhappy,
unloved and alone.
I'm shattered in a million pieces
but disguised as just one.
Nobody knows I'm in pain
from a relationship now torn
But was so perfect at the start.
Almost certain my cause of death
will be from a broken heart.
Maybe it will stop hurting,
if I just keep wishing.
I need to stop wishing.
I need to stop thinking,  crying, and feeling.
I need to stop trying,
stop looking, and
start healing.
I just want to be happy
And In love.
And be loved
The way that I love.
But it seems the way I love
Isn't enough.
Or it hasn't been yet
Bc I'm alone
And full of regrets,
For loving someone
I thought the right way.
But it wasn't good enough
For him to stay.
Or maybe he was wrong for me.
But that's so hard to accept,
And even harder to believe.
He was the only one
my eyes wanted to see.
The only one
my hands wanted to touch.
The only reason
my feelings would to feel.
The only one
I loved too much.
The only love
my heart knew was real.
And though he broke my heart
And tore my world apart
If asked 100 yrs from now
I would say I love him still.

Another mind racing, sleepless night
And all that surrounds me is the dark
Even in daylight
I can't open my eyes after finally falling asleep
My tears have glued them shut
Because all I've done is weep.
You really don't know what you've got til it's gone
I lost everything at once
My job, my kids, our home.
I'm so lost
Not sure if I can be found
Am I too far gone?
Sometimes I question
Does God really exist?
And if he is
Maybe he's teaching me a lesson
But did it have to be one
as harsh as this.
I don't where to begin
My life is so broken
My faith and hope has come to an end
I understand life is what you make it
I accept responsibility
It's all my fault
But I was doing the right thing
I was on the right track
Or so I thought
Now I'm here
At the end of the dead end
Time to make a decision
I've already given in
But Do I want to give up
I know I'm stronger than this
I'll get my mind right
I will get my life back
I will not quit
No more sleepless nights.

Every now and then
harsh words are exchanged
  between you and a friend.
Words so harsh and unforgivable
the friendship seems impossible to mend.
Every now and then
we break promises to our kids
  with every intention of making it up to them
    but the truth is
      they won’t remember your intentions
        only the times you didn’t spend.
Every now and then
we push our partners buttons
   we get into arguments over nothing
    then go to bed and fall asleep
     too mad and stubborn to say “I Love You”.
Every now and then
we take Life for granted
   we don’t appreciate today
     because tomorrow is expected.
Every now and then
we forget Life has an end.
   Until we are unexpectedly reminded
     by the passing of a friend.
        Now wishing you could say “I’m Sorry”
          and help your friendship mend.
By the passing of a child
Now remembering all those broken promises
    and all the time you didn’t spend.
By the passing of a spouse
   Now wanting to tell them you love them
      laying beside them in bed
But now you’re crying yourself to asleep
alone on the couch instead.
  
You can’t go back and say you’re sorry
You can’t get back the time you didn’t spend
You can’t tell them you love them
because LIFE IS SHORT
And NOW it’s too late...you should of did it THEN.

The noise is too much it's simply way to loud
Why can't they be quiet, at least tone their voices down
Why can't there be a mute button
Just silence no sound
Why is he still around
I keep waiting for the day he's 6 ft under ground
His only friend is the beer in his hand
Swaying back and forth
Hugging the wall
So drunk he can barely stand
He stumbles to the fridge
Opens it
Reaching for his friend
Rage sets in
His friend is gone again
And so he goes to teach her a lesson
A lesson that seems to have no end

Raising his hand then bringing it down
One backhand after another
A too familiar sound
she hides under the cover
Putting her hands over her ears
Trying not to hear
Another beating to her mother

Exhausted and drunk
He stumbles to the bed
Where he finally passes out
She picks herself up off the floor
Walking towards the bedroom door
Not a whimper not a shout
Her mind was made up
There was not a doubt

She opens the drawer
Caresses the score
Smiling
knowing
pain from him would be no more
Her thumb in motion
Her eyes in line
Her finger pulls back
And just like that
His life ran out of time

A single mother of 3
Is not the way she pictured her life to
  be.
Everyone wants to have the fairy tale life
But honestly She didn't
She only wanted to be the perfect mother
And an irreplaceable wife.
But 10 years of marriage full of every type of abuse
Finally the time came when she had to choose
To stay in the abuse, and be financially stable
Or take her kids and leave while She was still able
Her kids wanted for nothing
They could go anywhere
She could buy them anything
Shopping without a care
She grew up very poor
Happy to get just  a piece of gum
from the grocery store
She knew then if She had a kid
She would do whatever it took for them
to have a life better than She did
And so there She was
A mother of 3
Doing whatever it took
To make their life happy
As it should be
But She took all She could take
And couldn't take anymore
She couldn't keep fighting for her life
For the sake of being poor.
So She left her marriage
Took the kids
Walked out of their home
And shut the door.
Life since then has been a constant struggle
to say the least
But being a struggling mother
Is much better than being deceased.

Abandoned and bruised
Rejected yet accepted
But only by a few.
The "few" always hurt her
Before it began they wouldsay
"We show our love this way,
Now be a good little girl and just let your body lay."
She obeyed what they said
Closed her eyes
And wished she were dead.
Love was supposed to be good she thought,
It wasn't supposed to hurt.
She was so confused.
Just when she thought it was over
"No, Daddy! Not you too!?"
"Hush baby girl and don't tell a soul, don’t you speak a word.
You’re just a child, only to be seen
not heard.”
So she nodded her head
Never a word was said.
Every night...same thing...wishing she were dead.
Those hurtful nights were suppressed, never wanting to think of them again.
At last the time came,
She was no longer a child
And she left that dreadful place
With a smile on her face
It was finally over
Instead of wishing for death
HER life can now begin.

To everyone else
she was the girl who had everything
But to her self,
she had only her dreams.
A loving family,
Countless friends,
Not a single enemy.
Respectful
and grateful.
Always helping anyone
with anything.
Beautiful
and smart.
Humble
and gracious.
Always giving you her best
with no expectations.
Content
and happy, as she seemed
Loving every moment
Living every minute  
As if every second were a gift.
Interesting
and intriguing.
Everyone watched
as she’d speak
But
No one
was really
listening.
Ugh, she wished she were dreaming.
In her dreams
she could just be.
No pressure to be perfect,
no troubles.
No faking a smile
to hide her struggles.
How wonderful, she thought,
to go to sleep
to never wake up
to always dream.
And that is what she did.
No thinking, no thought,
no time to react,
Her dreams were triggered
with the quickness of a finger.
She won’t ever wake up.
A life we can’t get back.
Cautiously,
and carefully  listen
to someone
when they are speaking.
Their words and what they are saying,
could have very different meanings. Maybe to her,
if someone
would of  just listened,
they could  of
possibly reassured her
that her life,
it was a dream,
that was very much
worth living.

Thoughts of us- consuming me
How we used to be
Realizing we will never be
Drowning in the memories- I can't breath
Suffocating
Holding on
He let go- a long time ago
Free falling
Out of control
Not my choice- heartbreaking
His mixed signals- aggravating
Frustrated
Tired of waiting
My heart-aching
Time- it's wasting
My life- it's taking.
Continuously pacing
to keep from facing
that he’s gone -
no trace.
End race.
Now
Hovering over this space
watching pain take loves  
place.

If ever I were asked:
What could be worth the sky, the moon the stars?
your money, your house, your cars?
What could be worth your blood
your sweat, your tears?
your pain, your sanity,
your fears?
What could be worth your body
your soul, your mind?
Your wisdom, your guidance,
your time?
What could be worth your honesty
your loyalty, your trust?
your peace, your care
your love?
What could be worth your grief
your needs, your strife?
your days, your nights
your life?
Well that's answer is easy
My 3 Hearts:
Dominique, Andrew, and Lybbee.
What I have given them doesn't come close to what they've given me.
They're my thoughts at night when I'm dreaming
They're the breathes that I take when I'm breathing,
They're blood that my keeps my heart beating,
They're my light in dark so I can see
They're my calm so I can have peace
They're everything Ive ever wanted so there's nothing else I'll ever need.
They're worth can not be measured
So To give up everything
For my 3 hearts?
It would be my pleasure.
Having them and the love they bring
Is the only thing I treasure.

Love-
is Pain.
So until forever
I will remain
to refrain
from an inevitable infinite heartache
that will sustain
WithIn it’s short presence
of this Infamous Pain,
With a four letter name
Called Love,
                          Again

Emerging from his lies’ consequences
This pain-it’s continuous it’s relentless
It’s overwhelming chills
It’s a never ending
Senseless
Illness.
Which could of been avoided
At first suspicion
But to my gut and heart
I didn’t listen
And no answers will I have
to the many “why” questions
So this hurt I will endure
dawning through a hard learned lesson
At the very first time of rejection
and deception.
Walk away. Leave.
No exceptions.

Wide a wake here I lay
Sleep won't come easy
For my heart was broken again today
I always find "love" in a hopeless place
I believed you when you said you loved me, it was written all over your face
Or maybe it wasn't there all along
And I couldn't see it bc my love for you was too strong
I let down my guard, I just knew this was real
There was no other explanation
For how you made me feel
It's was something so wonderful
I'm happy to have had it
But along with happy
followed sadness and regret
I wouldn't wish this hurt on anyone
It won't happen again
I refuse to trade my feelings
for a fun time that will definitely end
I can't explain the pain in my chest
Hurts like hell to fail another test
My heart is so beaten, broken and shattered
It kills me to feel like I never even mattered
R.I.P Love
I finally see
An unbroken heart and love
Wasn't meant for me.

Tank tops and flip flops
Lounge chairs and boat docks
Swimsuits and tanlines
I need my sunshine!
Pretty daze
Of the sunshine’s rays,
Through the wait of winter
It’s
My sunny daze
That takes me to
My happy place.

Once again, you were over me.
Clenching my body and pushing you into me
Feeling all of you, making me breath heavily.
Thrusting every inch deeper and faster
until you get what you need.
Your relief in your release.
Then you were done with me.
With no feeling or emotion
You said goodbye with ease.
As I watched you leave,
I realized
Once again
You were over me.

The smell of rain fills the air
The cool light breeze blows gently through her hair
As she looks across the wide open meadow
boasting endless rows of sunflowers
A perfect sea of yellow
She smiles just a little
Throws her head back
Facing the skies
Takes a deep breath
Closes her eyes
Slowly exhales
Releasing all the pain
The pain she’s suppressed deep down
The pain she remembers alone
For so long
Today is the day she chooses to be happy
All negative things gone
The rain pours down
Lightening starts crashing
The thunder making it’s sound
Dancing in the rain
Crying tears of relief
After all this time
She has what she needs
The wonderful feeling
Of freedom, clarity and peace.

I guess it’s easy to only care about yourself and how you feel,  when you only have your feelings and  yourself to care about. You’re lucky, and envied. Some people wish they were in your shoes. As to not know what that pain is like ...to love and care about someone that couldn’t care less about you.

**These random thoughts of mine are brought to you SOLELY in part by, and based ONLY upon your random selfish acts you continue to do to me.

Bruised,  
Broken
Angered
Hurt
These are a few of my many dark depressed,
suppressed
emotions I can't express.
Because I'm alone to tell no one so I keep them inside
So these emotions
become
Words
unspoken.
This is my life?  For real!
I want to scream
I want to shout
cross my arms
poke my lips out
Stomp my feet
And pout!!
And after all that,
The dreadful emotions
The are very much
still there
They are the monkey on my back.
There has to be a way to let it all out,  
A way to express how I feel.
A way To Release this hate
That's taken over me  so strongly
Its surreal.
So I pick up a pen
Transfer my thoughts onto paper
My emotions to ink.
I couldn't write fast enough
I couldn't believe
For every emotion
I wrote,
With every write,
A release.
Relieved.  
So I write.
I write.
I find peace.
And peace is me.

He tells her it's over, he's leaving
he's done.
She wanted an explanation
but he didn't give her one.
So angry, shocked and confused
she sat there in that same spot
for hours, she couldn't move.
Finally she gets up to go lay in her bed
Surprising glad she was alone
She didn't feel like explaining what happened to anyone
Ignoring the constant rings from her phone
A short time later, a knock at the door
He changed his mind
He came back to tell her he wouldn't leave her anymore
But disappointment sets in
as her friends walk in
Even more tears now because it wasn't him
Her friends refused to see her upset they were taking her out
and not sit here and cry over this *******.
Renea you're alright you can do this
Just get yourself together
Life isn't always blue skies and sunshine
There's going to be stormy weather
Use your strength as a shield to keep away the pain
Just as an umbrella shields you from getting wet by the rain.
So, out they are
And of course at a bar
Soon she's regretting she even came
Until she heard the voice of an angel asking her name.
She turned to look and as she expected it wasn't who she wanted it to be
Just another strange guy at the bar that she didn't care to see.
But there was something different about him
Something genuine and sweet
She couldn't ignore him and be mean
My name is Renea.
Well hey Renea, my name is Chris.
So do you often come out to places like this?
Sometimes, but not often
I don't want to be here now but I got dumped today
So my friends brought me out
they said they were tired of seeing me frown.
“Well, you are here now
Let me buy you a drink .
No-don't give me that look it's not what you think.
I too,want to see you smile.
All I ask is to give me a chance with just one dance.”
Normally there wouldn't be a chance, a dance, not even a glance
But she couldn't walk away
She couldn't say no.
Could he make her smile?
No sure why but she needed to know
And wanted to find out before it was time to go.
She gave him one dance,
one dance after another
And for the rest of the night there was no one else there
Just the two of them dancing and smiling at each other.
The time had come the night was over.
As he walked her out SHE asked HIM if he wanted her number.
When she got home she laid by the phone
Hoping he would call and eventually he did and so it began
Everytime they'd meet
He swept her off her feet
His warm, long, tight hugs
His soft gentle touch
His meaningful, passionate kiss
She couldn't get enough
Though she'd never felt it before
She was certain she had fell in love.

My eyes refuse sight
In the dark of the night
My lips are sealed tight
Waiting on the sun to shine bright
And at the first sign of light
I'll see if my doubts were right

My eyes don't stop staring
My ears trying to hear over the music thats blaring
My mind is wondering what's the use in caring
It not my feelings he's sparing
He don't care about me
or the pain that I'm bearing
He doesn't even look at me long enough to even know what I'm wearing

The sun rising I could finally see
What I feared was true
he was with her
So I'll leave and let it be
I'll go without a plea
With a broken heart
But a mind at ease.

It’s amazing how you can just turn me off and on
Like a bulb of light.
You turn it on when looking for that something you need
And once you’ve found it
You cut it off
Because you haven’t any use for it anymore.
On and off
Again and again.
Not even realizing the light
Starting to dim.
The light will grow tired.
The next time you’re in need
and try to turn it on,
from being used
so many times
for so long,
It will have blown.
Nevertheless
Without a thought without stress
You replace it with another
For that burned out light, it’s useless
And
You couldn’t care less.

Whatever happened to a life with
morals
And being humble
Helping a stranger who’s in trouble
Uplifting a broken spirit
Instead just smirk and watch it crumble
What happened to trying a little
kindness
Putting the past behind us
Not judging by the mistakes of others
We all have demons behind closed curtains
For one thing is certain
Not one person is awarded perfect
Take a look in the mirror
You may be surprised at what you see
The stranger you walked past
Someone’s failed attempt that made you laugh
That broken heart you wouldn’t mend
May one day be your demons
And to you your only friend.
For Good will always trump evil
in the end.
©renea39