I guess it’s easy to only care about yourself and how you feel,  when you only have your feelings and  yourself to care about. You’re lucky, and envied. Some people wish they were in your shoes. As to not know what that pain is like ...to love and care about someone that couldn’t care less about you.

**These random thoughts of mine are brought to you SOLELY in part by, and based ONLY upon your random selfish acts you continue to do to me.

Wide a wake here I lay
Sleep won't come easy
For my heart was broken again today
I always find "love" in a hopeless place
I believed you when you said you loved me, it was written all over your face
Or maybe it wasn't there all along
And I couldn't see it bc my love for you was too strong
I let down my guard, I just knew this was real
There was no other explanation
For how you made me feel
It's was something so wonderful
I'm happy to have had it
But along with happy
followed sadness and regret
I wouldn't wish this hurt on anyone
It won't happen again
I refuse to trade my feelings
for a fun time that will definitely end
I can't explain the pain in my chest
Hurts like hell to fail another test
My heart is so beaten, broken and shattered
It kills me to feel like I never even mattered
R.I.P Love
I finally see
An unbroken heart and love
Wasn't meant for me.

Love-
is Pain.
So until forever
I will remain
to refrain
from an inevitable infinite heartache
that will sustain
WithIn it’s short presence
of this Infamous Pain,
With a four letter name
Called Love,
                          Again

Tank tops and flip flops
Lounge chairs and boat docks
Swimsuits and tanlines
I need my sunshine!
Pretty daze
Of the sunshine’s rays,
Through the wait of winter
It’s
My sunny daze
That takes me to
My happy place.

A single mother of 3
Is not the way she pictured her life to
  be.
Everyone wants to have the fairy tale life
But honestly She didn't
She only wanted to be the perfect mother
And an irreplaceable wife.
But 10 years of marriage full of every type of abuse
Finally the time came when she had to choose
To stay in the abuse, and be financially stable
Or take her kids and leave while She was still able
Her kids wanted for nothing
They could go anywhere
She could buy them anything
Shopping without a care
She grew up very poor
Happy to get just  a piece of gum
from the grocery store
She knew then if She had a kid
She would do whatever it took for them
to have a life better than She did
And so there She was
A mother of 3
Doing whatever it took
To make their life happy
As it should be
But She took all She could take
And couldn't take anymore
She couldn't keep fighting for her life
For the sake of being poor.
So She left her marriage
Took the kids
Walked out of their home
And shut the door.
Life since then has been a constant struggle
to say the least
But being a struggling mother
Is much better than being deceased.

Another mind racing, sleepless night
And all that surrounds me is the dark
Even in daylight
I can't open my eyes after finally falling asleep
My tears have glued them shut
Because all I've done is weep.
You really don't know what you've got til it's gone
I lost everything at once
My job, my kids, our home.
I'm so lost
Not sure if I can be found
Am I too far gone?
Sometimes I question
Does God really exist?
And if he is
Maybe he's teaching me a lesson
But did it have to be one
as harsh as this.
I don't where to begin
My life is so broken
My faith and hope has come to an end
I understand life is what you make it
I accept responsibility
It's all my fault
But I was doing the right thing
I was on the right track
Or so I thought
Now I'm here
At the end of the dead end
Time to make a decision
I've already given in
But Do I want to give up
I know I'm stronger than this
I'll get my mind right
I will get my life back
I will not quit
No more sleepless nights.

I'm bitter and broken.
My heart is so cold
Better yet, it's frozen.
I once was grateful and kind,
Sometimes firm but
soft spoken.
I once was happy, and caring
fun and outgoing.
I loved to laugh out loud,
I liked to make people happy,
And see them smile.
But that part of me is gone,
and has been for a while.
Why was I  chosen
to be unhappy,
unloved and alone.
I'm shattered in a million pieces
but disguised as just one.
Nobody knows I'm in pain
from a relationship now torn
But was so perfect at the start.
Almost certain my cause of death
will be from a broken heart.
Maybe it will stop hurting,
if I just keep wishing.
I need to stop wishing.
I need to stop thinking,  crying, and feeling.
I need to stop trying,
stop looking, and
start healing.
I just want to be happy
And In love.
And be loved
The way that I love.
But it seems the way I love
Isn't enough.
Or it hasn't been yet
Bc I'm alone
And full of regrets,
For loving someone
I thought the right way.
But it wasn't good enough
For him to stay.
Or maybe he was wrong for me.
But that's so hard to accept,
And even harder to believe.
He was the only one
my eyes wanted to see.
The only one
my hands wanted to touch.
The only reason
my feelings would to feel.
The only one
I loved too much.
The only love
my heart knew was real.
And though he broke my heart
And tore my world apart
If asked 100 yrs from now
I would say I love him still.