A hole forms as a gap in my chest,
It comes apart when I'm alone.
No.
It doesn't come apart,
It's uncovered.
I use people like patches to cover up my scars,
and yet, here I am.
Alone again.
The hole in my chest painfully grows.

A painful unsilence
Every whisper sounds a cannon
Screams and shouts
Only heard from within
Soft cotton
Turns to velcro on my skin
The floodlight from the sky
Washed colour off my face
And I still wonder
Why my heart begins to race

I don't Want to be trans
Don't Want hormones and surgery
But I couldn't go back
That's not an option for me
I don't want to be a girl
Thats not what I mean
Being trans is exhausting
And I just want to sleep
I don't wish I was dead
I just wish I was me

I laughed with the stars
As they shot across the sky
After I realized
I Don't want to die
I clutch at this feeling
And beg it to stay
As I study the grin
The stars hold today
Tomorrow the sky
May be covered in clouds
But unlike the stars
This feeling could drown

I tend to act as a whiteboard
with each person I meet
I wipe clean
hand them the marker
and ask what they want to see

"I just want to know You"
and unfamiliar response
"I'm not sure what you mean,
this is meant to be about Your wants"

"I want to know your favorite color, or your favorite place to eat"
I give my default replies
but they don't really belong to me
they're curated lies
based on what others have liked to see

I say "my favorite color is blue"
my friend and I shared a favorite color
she told me to pick a new
my answer then was pink
but i "couldn't choose that too"

As for where I like to eat,
I don't give a straight answer
"it depends on the day"
or "I'm good with whatever"

I forgot what it was like
when the marker stays with me
but I've got nothing to write
so I'll leave it empty

hyperaware of every movement and sound
pencil scratching paper turns to metal on glass
voices to piercing needles
footsteps to a sledgehammer

light feels blinding
burning like the sun

the brush of a fingertip
tears into me like barbwire

internally screaming but making sound hurts
shaking so hard you'd think I'm freezing

please stop talking
please stop moving
please turn the lights off
but I cannot express these requests

Stars
The thing that we seem to bond over most
Stars
The lights in the sky that I wish on to be with you
Stars
What we stood under as you jumped with joy learning that I loved them as much as you
Stars
Could never shine as bright as your eyes did when you found out I knew Remember When
Stars
We watched them shoot by, so close we could see the smoke trail
Stars
What I look up at to remind myself that, no matter what,
We're under the same sky