I'm scared because sometimes I think I fake my mental illness.
2. I'm scared that I will always be alone.
3. I'm scared because I think I'm a narcissist.
4. I'm scared that I'm a terrible person because when I look at my
           dad all I feel is hatred and disappointment.
5. I don't believe or care enough to believe that my dad is an acholic
           and drug addict because it is easier for me to believe that he
           just didn't want my family or me. it's easier for me to believe
           that he just got stuck with us it's easier to blame him.  
6. I think I'm just as crazy as my mother.
7. I thrive and rely on superior validation, and I'm scared of that
           because I don't want to be stuck in an abusive
           relationship. However, I crave the toxicity that an abusive
           relationship can bring me.
8. I don't want to fix my relationship with my father because if I fix
           it and truly forgive him, then I won't be able to blame him.
9. I know that the reason people aren't here for me is my fault.
10. I oftentimes feel like I'll never be able to trust myself.

I think loneliness is like a disease. like the flu or a common cold. you can try to prevent it. surround yourself with people but, sometimes it just sneaks in. you won't see it at first but eventually you'll feel yourself becoming distant. infected with this disease. and if you're not careful your simple cold will become pneumonia and then turn into bronchitis. before you know it you're in the emergency room for your third suicide attempt.

loneliness is a powerful thing. in my small experience loneliness has two of the bestest friends who will always follow him. loneliness is like a black hole that I find myself sinking into more time than I would like to admit.

I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis.
who am I?
what am I doing here?

am I making an impact or am I just floating through life?

am I really depressed or do I just not know any other feeling than the numbness that travels from my brain to my heart.

or is the numbness that i think im feeling just part of my mind tricking me into not feeling anything at all.
and if so is my mind tricking me to protect me or to hurt me.

maybe i just crazy, who knows

do i really care or am i just bored enough to pretend i care.


and if im just bored enough to pretend to care shouldn't i pick something else to care about.

or am i in the cycle of my mind tricking me over and over again.

I have always believed people do NOT change. They can't.
So when I look in the mirror and come to understand that I hate myself in every way possible and there is nothing I can do about it.
I somehow find myself hating myself even more.

yeah, so i have this math homework
yeah, so i have to clean the laundry
yeah, so i have this essay to write

But all i want to do is think about you.

yeah, so i have a new girl
yeah, so she's better for me
yeah, so i smile when i'm with her
yeah, so i think i might love her

But all i miss is you.

yeah, so i miss your scent
yeah, so i miss your touch
yeah, so i miss your smile
yeah, so i miss you

yeah, so what.

You'll find me alone at midnight

all alone inside my mind

trying to decide me

I take drugs
To decide on my own.