Awake at 0415
Sleep still in my eyes
Bundle up crib
**** and a ****
Shave clean
Coffee on the boil
Then, on the road.
Lit ciggy
Volume still up from last night
Knock it down a notch
Until the ears can focus...

Swipe on, turnstile spins
Follow in suit
Say g'day to nightshift
As the hi-vis is donned
PPE all strapped on
Steel capped **** kickers
Helmet slap, follow the crowd
To prestart.

Sit and nod, coffee lukewarm
Handover from nights
Sign on lads and ladies
Lock on, work instruction, THA
We are all dressed the same
The same team
With the same goal
To go home...

We don't know how it all works
In our silo, doing our bit
For our 12 hour stint
For 7 days.

Just before 6
With our bodies worn and ready
For a quiet bevvy
With mates we made at work
Swipe off, turnstile spins
Say g'day to nightshift
It'll be our turn next swing
Top job, had a win.

Microwave feed
Boots at the door
TV just for the noise
Stare at the phone
They ring before bed
Let it ring out
How was your day?
Same as every other, don't bother.

Asleep before head hits pilla
Awake at 0415

Found love
There she is
On the other side
Of my phone

Screen shots
Texts and snaps
Messenger messages
Phone calls and face time

She is so far
Or is it me?

I will marry her
As, she is my queen
And I cannot be king
Without her

This torrid affair
Was not our intent
The heart wants
What the heart wants

Regardless

The pieces fit
So perfectly snug
Til when, til whenever
This is love.

Remember when
Early days
We'd speak for hours
On the way to work,
In carparks
And places
We'd never been together.
I moved and moved
And showed you it all
I left my children
To escape to the hills,
My failing relationship
Had such a wrath
You deflected the pain
That I couldn't grasp.
At the airport, I saw you
Our very second kiss
We retreated together
Eggs benny and *****.
I went to where the sun always shines
Met your fatherless family
As broken as mine
I introduced myself with embrace,
You came to me
And I fell for you
Perhaps we were rushing
Perhaps it didn't matter.
Half a heart
Announced my love
Allow the flood gates to open
We can say it whenever we like,
And we did, we said "I love you"
After every conversation
Sometimes in the middle
And we meant it.
I dropped a knee
I vaguely recollect
But, I wrote it down
And these words, you collect,
So, we were engaged
Rings exchanged
Lock in a date
Send out invitations.
Leave all you know
Pack up your home
Prepare the kids for change
They just went with the flow,
Move to the desert
Save all out coin
To spend it all
To be together.
Organise dresses, photographers
Meals, venues, drinks
Hire suits, write speeches
Cut out leaves into hearts,
Say our vows, entwine families
Lock in this person
I will love eternally
Forever more.

And here we are...

Married, together, your kids
In the desert
Trying to help them
Support their lifestyles,
Working to keep our heads above water
Paying off our wedding
It is a fickle affair
And, we are just getting started.
There is so much to come
It is difficult and we are worn thin
Tonight, you are silent
So, I let you sleep alone,
You'll probably text me tomorrow
With apologies and such
But, I missed you tonight
No love lost.

Remember when?

I hear him through passing
Cries of a teenage boy
I barge in to find him
Slumped over his bed, phone in hand
Hunched in the position
Of a deeply engrossed Android user
Tears and snot drip from his face
I take a knee, and adorn my embrace.

It doesn't matter why
It doesn't matter who
Not to me
My only concern is his sadness.

Social ******* media
Is a poison.

I never had it as a kid
So, it's a hard one to relate to.

To him, I am just a lame old man
Past his prime, no one wants to hear.

To me, he is how I used to be
When I was 14...

But that doesn't matter to the 14.

And it wont matter, perhaps until the 20s.

I sit out the back, in the shed, and write this
While he, questions his place and his sanity
My lil man, my boy, my son
Cope as you will...

Dinner will be ready soon.

Pent up rage
Spitting as he curses
What ever is close
Is destroyed

He is chaos personified
Testosterone screams
And he digs deep
To spray his wicked hate

The world is to blame
For his angst
His eyes, so shallow
To his own actions

It hurts
But I allow it to pass
As he is 15
And his words are not his

He screamed at me
And advised me
Never to call him my son
For the things I've done

He must be destroyed
To be rebuilt
He must find himself
In the blood he has spilt

I fight tears and fear
In seeing him in such a state
He is my son, my boy
My 15 year old mate

No one understands
This boy, becoming a man
His needs go above anyone else's
An air of selfishness.

He cannot stay home
The rage is fuelled
So, he runs
In circles from couch to couch.

With pent up anger
And misunderstanding
He claws wildly at the world
Missing his mark.

Forcing his opinion
On those that cower
He is an unstoppable juggernaut
Unleashing his power.

As the dust settles, he sees himself
Alone, on a couch, as a child
No bedroom, no family
No place for this boy gone wild.

I entice change and he accepts
Here is a job, here is your space
Here is my love, and my shoulder to sob
Whatever you do, don't quit your job.

I see the smile I thought long gone
And the spark return in his eyes
The rage within has settled for now
And I will be there, for when it returns.

We drive down the hill
I drop them off home
I drive up the hill
On my own

On the way up
The sadness creeps in
The lonely embrace
The kiss of depression

Silent sighs
Deep breaths
The weight of it all
On my chest

I am not doing my best
I am failing

The very thought of trying
Drains me

I pull in the drive
Shut the gates
Pour a drink
Sit on my own with my mates

Only a fortnight
Til I see them again
Til I can drive down the hill
Again.

Who would have thought
When I was 10
My first kiss
Would be my wife.

We are experiencing life
Its highs and lows
Blended family
Chaos and serenity.

The photos she shows me
I acknowledge and accept
As a time she wasn't mine
But would be.

Her memories in boxes
And in data on her phone
She shares with such passion
Of a time without me in them.

But, as we grow together
Her memories do too
And I get a place
In her data.

I see in her eyes
The beautiful girl
I kissed first in this life
I made her my wife.

Her strength and frailty
Her wisdom and idiocy
Are all beautiful traits
That I will be in awe forever more.

She projects her love
Like no other before
But she was the first
That I would adore.

I miss her after hours
Of not seeing her face
She has the most comfortable heart
And I have the most comfortable space.

There is no concern
Nor past instances of mistrust
Who would have thought
My first kiss would be my last.

3 kids and a dog
20 years of pleasure and pain
I look up from my hole
Which took 20 years to excavate
Happiness is fleeting
Demons I've been feeding
Have gorged on the pains
A banquet of self hate.

I apologize for the lack of love
For the self isolation
For the dishonesty
And no communication
It doesn't matter now
I can't un-say what I've said
Nor undo what I've done
This love is dead

She allows me to stay
To sleep on the couch
To be a ghost of a man
Still visible
I hunt for a house
A place just to sleep
3 kids and a dog
Just a fading memory.

Ive been here 3 weeks
And this pain in my head
Wont cease

I eat ok
And the drinking has slowed
Perhaps this pressure
Is due to work load

I awake at 5
I must sleep at 9
In order to get
The sleep I require

To awake at 5.

My kids don't miss me
My ex fukn hates me
Or maybe she doesn't
It's hard to tell...

My new love is all I have
We have plans I intend to keep
She is the first thing I think of
And the last before I go to sleep.

When I get home
I sit in my empty house
With nothing to do
For 2 days.

I sleep on the plane
I eat at the pub
I eat in my office
I eat in my car.

I have all this money
But no time
For love
Or life.

This is not living
This is an existence.

The buzz of the front bar
Ignites the senses
I am here
For the noise and movement.

This pain in my head
Still wont cease
And I've only been here
For 3 weeks.

Tomorrow
I'm gon exist
Just play the fukn game
Grind n twist
Extinguish spot fires
Do my job
It doesn't matter
Take the money
She loves me
Hit the vape
Too many
Cutla bevs
Not enough
Tomorrow
Gon get it done.

Stay employed...

Every second bat of the eye
The dreams creep
Of who I should've been
And the disgust of who I am now
This silly simple man
With stupid silly answers
To your overly intelligent questions
Go **** yourself
As my ending argument...

I am not this
This stupid fukn job
It's just what I do
To pay the the government
I am full of bitterness
I am full of love
I am full of everything beneath
And everything above.

I'll be there tomorrow
Maybe a bit late
Maybe a bit hazy
But, I'll be there...

I will give
As much of me
As I choose to give
As much as I feel you require,
You won't get my fire
You haven't earned it
I leave that as backup spare
To those that actually fukn care.

*****.

Life.

This is it.

Have a sip
You're done
Votes are in
Fail to win.

Just let me sleep
To heal my hurts
To muffle the demons
Screaming within,
Just let me sleep
To recharge my core
To refocus my mind
To forgive my sins.

It doesnt matter
That my eyes are open
Just let me sleep.

Just gimme a minute,
I don't get it,
What the ****
Are you talking about.

Echoes in my brain cave,
Tearing tender flesh,
Your poison tone
Drops an eyelid in quiver.

Blink hard twice or thrice,
Just to regain focus,
I am the harvest,
And they are the locust.

Lost during conversation,
Dreaming between scenarios,
Just so's youse knows,
Mum's the word (tap the nose).

What the ****
Was I talking about?
I don't get it,
Just gimme a minute.

If you leave me
Please **** me
As life is nothing
Without you

If I leave you
Please **** me
As life is nothing
Without you

If I die
With you in my life
I will die smiling

If you die
With me in your life
I will live smiling

Without my best friend
Life has no meaning
So, lets never die
Ok?

Something is wrong
Something is amiss
Deep within me
It doesn't make sense

Try as I might
Progress seems void
End up in a riddle
Alone and annoyed

Problems made mine
Which I may have made
Tickle and excite
Destroy and decay

I feel it deep inside
Between anxiety and clenched fist
Something is wrong
Something is amiss.

Found you
I wont let go
This dream
Shared by two
You got me
And, I want you to
Get me
As you do.

The only light
In this dark
The only truth
I want to hear.
Early days
But it feels like decades
And I wouldn't change
A thing.

In her
I see
Myself
As me

In me
I see
Her
Eternally

I found her
As she found me
Her beautiful soul
And perspective beauty
She got me
And I wouldn't have it
Any
Other
Way

This life
This ******* life
I made this nest of ****
Curl up kid.

Agressor push the placid away
Mixed emotion, let them sway
I have come to play and die
Nearly done playing...

Too much time between drinks
Failing at trying to try
Just wake up at five
Go to work.

Inch thick mask
Eroding and revealing
Angry eyes and heated speak
The cracks are beginning to show.

I don't want to clean up
After lazy fools that I don't know
Their **** is their own
In my way.

Lose sleep, try to keep
A solemn smile, keep it sincere
A new internal personal fear
This was all, perhaps, a terrible mistake.

Decisions of the heart
No consultation with the mind
May be my undoing
May hasten this slow suicide.

Just set the alarm
Wake up at five
Contine the charade
I am alive.

Only if you want.
Here is my outstretched hand,
Soft yet scarred, for you to hold,
It's all I can afford.

This exquisite piece I made for you,
In my head,
For your senses to swoon,
Against your will.

Just to show you,
The edge of the knife,
The cusp of the moon,
A heartbeat of life.

I stay astray,
Just to to think of the right words to say
But, when it comes time,
You were there, and I was away.

It's all  I can afford,
Soft, yet scarred, for you, to hold,  
Here, is my outstretched hand,
Only if you want.

Gentlemen,

You have all been hand picked
To represent me today.

You have all had an impact
On my life.

You all have a place
In my heart.

Your genuine friendship
Has help create awesome memories,
Some of which were so awesome
I am unable to remember.

With you blokes, by my side
While I am reciting my vows
Gives me such pride
And I thank you, for being my mates.

You are all such different fellas
A motley crew, some might say,
The one thing you all have in common,
Is my respect and friendship.

A toast, to my groomsmen,
My boys, my lads, my friends,
Let's make another memory together
This one, I'll try to remember.

Cheers

Dad
What are you doing?
Left the misso
But you have 3 kids.

What up?

New life
New misso
Social media
N ****.

What the **** ****?

We see you for a few hours
Every fortnight
During your days off
And it's all a bit ******.

So, you're getting married?
And where are we?
Still living in the ashes
You left us in.

Dad
What are you doing?

Rose coloured eyes
From across the room
Fate not yet
But soon

Our time is coming

You diamond
I'll see you later

Chauffeured home
Bodies alone

Our time is coming

(B)
Collecting memories
Of us and you and me
Open skies and gestured eyes
Every day and all the nights

Our time is here.

Silent strength
Behind a smile
Struggling heart
Give it a while.

Half a heart
Around her neck
The other half
Around mine.

She will always
Be beautiful
In my dusty eyes.

Calm, hard to find
In a productive mind
She only stops
For my embrace.

She tries
With tears in her eyes
She is the only soul
I want by my side.

The alarm goes off at five twenny two
My alarm is a Lion King song
When the sun rises...
In the movie, at the start, that song.

Coffee n smoke.

White n two,
In my peripherals,
Work kit beside the glass cabinet,
Waiting for me to shower.

Time ticks, hot water alarms
Triggers get dressed.

Wallet, keys, phone, smokes, lighter,
Check.
Rogie.
So... les go.

Turn the key
Slow revs
Try not to wake
The sleepin babes,
Music set to twenny two
From the nigh before
Down the road, I know
The best lane to sit in.

Iced coffee beside me,
From home fridge or servo,
Ciggy lit, right arm elby out the winda,
Enjoying the calm before the storm.

The code to the place
I spend most of my time
Is nineteen oh one
That's when I say good mornin,

To an empty warehouse.

An thats what begins
The start of each day
Of every
Working week.

My own little space
With my personal effects
Creates a second skin
To curl within
A shell to stretch
A waterslide of thoughts
Swirl like dust in a dance
Safety glasses may be required.

Liberated imagination
It may crawl, it may gnash
It may do what it desires
As it is free.

My own little corner
I may be who I want
The mistakes do not count
Only dream exists here
As the toxins grasp and release
It is a feast
Of a cartoon man in a lean-to shed
Splashing paint and rambling rhyme.

The colour is brighter
When the eyes are blurred
The filter is removed
And the real becomes absurd.

Snake back inside
To embrace and kiss my beautiful wife
She knows where I've been
She knows who I am
Just a man
Unleashing the fire and the coal
Venting the demons
To embrace the angels.

Driving in the heavy rain
Chaos peppers downs
Focus distorts
Visibility is false
There is no place
For rational thought
Just plough through
Focus on the dotted lines.

Til we traverse
Under a bridge
And for a minute
All is calm
A breath can be had
I turn to you
With your loving smile
All concern fades
Pressure to focus subsides
It is all fine
With your hand in mine
For this moment in time.

We hit the other side
And it seems as if
The rain hits harder
Both hands back on the wheel.

You are my bridge.

20 years fade away
Memories evade
Due to choices
Made.

Take a larger slice
I can handle it.

Shake the bottle
Breathe deeper
Get brave
Just to feel something.

Yesterday catches up to today
Memories evade
Due to choices
Made.

The pain was temporary
Until it stayed
Until it took a slice
Of the cake I made.

All my meals come from cans,
Fire produced for heat and light,
Dirt carpet, trees for walls,
My ceiling is painted sky.

We amble through chatter,
One-liners, quick banter,
Once I hear silence and breeze,
It doesn't seem to matter.

My lounge suite is an old chair,
Covered in ash, stinking of beer,
Brought from home, now a part of me,
And part of my home that I brought with me.

With left leg sprawled where my arm should be,
And my back angled in such a way,
Head tilted on the edge of the back rest,
This is exactly where I should be.

As the sun sets and the sky does its thing,
All the wildlife around sings its goodnight hymn,
We cheers and rejoice, me and thoughts,
And the apprentice, across from the fire pit.

An angry, empty belly quivers and roars,
It's time to feed the beast within,
All my meals come from cans,
But, I forgot my can-opener.

Wandering ghost
Cellophane happiness
Anxious bites and nibbles
Of exhausted duress

Spinning in spirals
Cartwheels up hills
Reality nipping
At worn cardboard heels

Hilarious funerals
Darkness glows to a tint
Poverty clown shoes
Without spending a cent

Reek of the stains
Splintered in the veins
There ain't no brakes
On this backwards train

Feed the deluge
With experience and growth
Caged in a carcass
Wandering ghost

Just before
We were saying good morning
Sharing meals
Laughing at jokes we made

Just before
We had our own language
Her stories took ages to tell
I still listened

Just before
She held me goodbye
Longer than usual
Marshmallows by fires

Just before
She wrapped her legs
Around mine and smiled
Just passing time

Waiting for Mum
To pick her up.

Nerves rattle
Like an old fridge
Shudder and spasm
**** water from beneathe.

Concentration evades
Yet I am see-through
Crumpled cellophane
In a ****** church window.

You know all of me
Better than I.

All these edges
Cigs, ****, ****, love
I have become
A square.

Every vice
Is crushing my soul.

Tensions build
Erupt on the inside
I crush up my fists
Like paper cups.

Conclusion a distant illusion
Salted with confusion
I asked for well done
Only ever get blue

It must get worse
Before it gets beautiful.

Before I begin, I'll finish my can,
Sweetest crush beside others laid slain,
Roll a dart for good measure,
Painful pleasure.

Sparkinsons cure
Lights the way to the fuse,
Inhale and consume
Head spins,unfortunately resume.

The constant is resonant.

The background noun
As a half chewed minty,
Half chewed clown.

All is the same,
Yet not the same at all.

Speculation equals concern,
So, don't worry, be happy,
You cannot predict the outcome,
Of any scenario, not one.

You have four options...

Dig,
Breathe,
Drown or
Burn.

Choose.






I chose drown, just so you know.

Juggle the wants and needs
In a spotlight for all to see
Laughing and pointing
From the grandstand at me
Applauding and hissing
An extra in your movie
Just passing through
Nothing to see here
The blood is just tomato sauce
The tears are only rain
The scars are all clay and make up
The mask hides all the pain
I only feel the bad
The angst, anger, fear and hate
Desensitised to love and adoration
From the world I chose to create
When we talk
You're not talking to me
I am shell of who I used to be
A husk of a human entity
It has all gone amiss
I cannot juggle anymore
Exhausted and ready for hospice
This jester, in the spotlight, on the floor.

They change colour.

When I kiss her.

I hesitate, when I kiss her
To savour the moment
To remember every
Fingertip dance.

An adventure
Over vast hills of soft flesh
Inhale as I pass
Dropping sweet kiss mortars.

Soft claws backstroke
Leaving fields of pin ******.

Still don't know
What love is.

She lets me
Take us to a place
We've never been
Or will go again.

She lets me be,

As I gaze
Into pretty pixie eyes...

They change colour
When I kiss her.

Click click, click click
Scroll the wheel
Move the mouse
Click click, click click
Stare at the screen
So close to my face
Load bearing pole
Directly behind my chair

Scope, quote, execute, invoice
Click click, click click
Archive, delete, red flag
Corporate buzz words mean nothing
Click click, click click
I am living this insanity
To stay alive
And out of jail

Life becomes repetitive
Leave the office, to the pub
Click click, click click
I only talk to you because you work with me
Good weekend? Go **** yourself
This is not a life
We are prisoners, unable to escape
Due to the threat of poverty

Two days off, sleep in
Turn off the alarms
Wander around lifeless
With no cause, no drive
Unsupervised, barely alive
No direction that I can derive
Weekend's over as a new night dies
Back to the grind.

Click
Click
Click
Click

Fingers entwined
As we walk
Adoration gazes
In peripherals.
Security squeezes
Stopped in the hallway
For the sweetest kiss
On the way to the kitchen.
Comfortable silence
On the couch
Never too far away
From my love.

**** me
Before I **** myself.

Put my eyes
Upon the shelf.

Leave my heart
To the dust.

Swear if you must.

Old emotes
Come back to haunt.

No control
Unleash the hound.

This is not what
I though I had found
Just die
Just go
Just drown.

One day you'll understand
Why I am the way I am
How I came to be this man
One day you'll understand.

Dad comes home and cooks our tea
Still in his work clothes
He stinks of effort
Cigarettes and beer

He doesn't kiss Mum anymore
He doesn't eat with us anymore
He does the dishes
And he sings to himself

Then he just disappears
Out to his shed
We see him, from the house
Sitting and smoking and drinking.

I hear them from here
The arguments and the laughter
The conversation and cursing
I hear them from here

This poor loveless man
Perched alone in his shed
Fighting demons on his own
Fighting demons in his head.

We say goodnight from the back door
We just yell it out
He screams back that he loves us
And to sleep well

He doesn't know of our problems
He doesn't care for our pain
He is the ghost that covers all the bills
He is a broken man, my Dad.

I wish I had the strength
To be what they require
But, the love is gone
And so have I.

One day you'll understand
How I came to be this man
One day you'll understand
Why I am the way I am.

I was there first
So I get the room with the ensuite.

Dave soon moves in
1 of the other 3 rooms
He is clean, he is loud
We find a common ground.

He does the same job I do
But he's coordinating the civil crew
He drinks his Jameson neat
He is a broken man, finding his feet.

Youngy, the concreter moves in
He is simple, and pure and giving
He often tends to the garden
Straight after work, with a pint.

We share a fridge
He likes lego, and toys and things
The rubber egg trick
Will forever be in my memory.

The young lad Shannon, takes the last room,
A chippy, who knows his ****,
And he tells us this
And doesn't shut up.

A sweet kid, slightly annoying
He knows it all, so,
We changed his name to Google,
You can't choose your nickname.

We all work for the same company
Dave wakes up at dawns crack
Google showers at night
Youngy is always home first.

Dave cooks every night
Google meal preps and microwaves
Me and Youngy... well...
We get by.

All of us away from family
12 to 14 hour days
We are at work
More than we are at home.

All from different worlds,
We make it work
Google moves out next week,
Due to upsetting the herd.

We are here for the money
We are here for our family
Dealing with our own ****
And sharing it occasionally.

I wish them success,
As I know this is temporary
All the best
To Dave and Google and Youngy.

I am a *******
I deserve none of this.

Smoke like a train
Drink like a fish
Can't ever focus
Gamble like a degenerate.

Starting to hide things
But, this is not the way it is to be.

You are so determined
So in love
With this piece
Of ****.

I eat poorly
Take drugs on the daily
Say, I'm not hungry
And you feel sorry for me .

Selfish lover
Under the covers
Go to sleep
During conversation.

I don't deserve you.

I want to die
Maybe suicide
But I am a *******
Still alive.

**** me
Before
I **** your
Soul.

I don't deserve you.

I say I'm sorry
But,I don't care
This *******
Has no regard.

I'm going to ruin
Your life.

I've made them believe
I am so wholesome
But in actual fact
I am a *******.

They love me
And can see no wrong
But I will destroy
All they know.

I can't change
As I haven't tried
**** me off
Before I **** your life.

You should have never wished me
Happy birthday.

I miss them.

Secretly, selfishly I want to return,
To be a part of their broken lives,
Which I had a hand in breaking.

I miss the familiar chaos,
The insults in jest,
The tears and the depth,
I just miss it.

I am so alone now,
Living two lives,
With a family I have no history with,
But with a woman I am so deeply in love with.

I need a common ground,
A painful compromise,
I am missing out,
On being a father to my children.

They need me,
And I need them,
They have gone so astray,
As have I.

They have grown up,
They are growing up,
And I am just a fortnightly event,
Never really present.

No amount of apologies,
Can make up for my vacancy,
I cannot be myself here,
Not fully.

I love my wife,
I love my new family,
I married into this,
But, the vows didn't represent reality.

I feel I am breaking,
I feel I am losing them,
I feel I have no control,
In raising them.

I will have to change this,
They will gain a day,
And she will have to sacrifice a day,
I'm sorry (again), but I need this.

Growing strength within
Clawing from the inside
Numbing the feeling
Dulling the colour.
Devour the drive
Manifesting the hoard
Feast on the love
Inexorable hunger.

I smile, I say I'm ok
In my cast iron mask.

These demons want out
I am too weak
Too feeble
Too far gone.

Down.

Lines of communication blur
I can't be sure
Of my ****** expression
Or body language
My silence says it all
The disinterest
The cold response
The fatigue.

With tender touch
She prys at my shell
Searching for cracks
Or a subtle tell
Tender within
I convulse and sin
I let no love out
I let no love in.

The pain is all I want
This twisted front
It's all I've known
It has help me grow,
Perhaps not
I don't know what
It is to be loved
By another so pure.

She won't let me die
Without a fight
And the tears from her heart
Fall upon mine
My poor brittle ego
Exhales all this angst
And I fall hopelessly
In her embrace.