**** me
Before I **** myself.

Put my eyes
Upon the shelf.

Leave my heart
To the dust.

Swear if you must.

Old emotes
Come back to haunt.

No control
Unleash the hound.

This is not what
I though I had found
Just die
Just go
Just drown.

One day you'll understand
Why I am the way I am
How I came to be this man
One day you'll understand.

Dad comes home and cooks our tea
Still in his work clothes
He stinks of effort
Cigarettes and beer

He doesn't kiss Mum anymore
He doesn't eat with us anymore
He does the dishes
And he sings to himself

Then he just disappears
Out to his shed
We see him, from the house
Sitting and smoking and drinking.

I hear them from here
The arguments and the laughter
The conversation and cursing
I hear them from here

This poor loveless man
Perched alone in his shed
Fighting demons on his own
Fighting demons in his head.

We say goodnight from the back door
We just yell it out
He screams back that he loves us
And to sleep well

He doesn't know of our problems
He doesn't care for our pain
He is the ghost that covers all the bills
He is a broken man, my Dad.

I wish I had the strength
To be what they require
But, the love is gone
And so have I.

One day you'll understand
How I came to be this man
One day you'll understand
Why I am the way I am.

I was there first
So I get the room with the ensuite.

Dave soon moves in
1 of the other 3 rooms
He is clean, he is loud
We find a common ground.

He does the same job I do
But he's coordinating the civil crew
He drinks his Jameson neat
He is a broken man, finding his feet.

Youngy, the concreter moves in
He is simple, and pure and giving
He often tends to the garden
Straight after work, with a pint.

We share a fridge
He likes lego, and toys and things
The rubber egg trick
Will forever be in my memory.

The young lad Shannon, takes the last room,
A chippy, who knows his ****,
And he tells us this
And doesn't shut up.

A sweet kid, slightly annoying
He knows it all, so,
We changed his name to Google,
You can't choose your nickname.

We all work for the same company
Dave wakes up at dawns crack
Google showers at night
Youngy is always home first.

Dave cooks every night
Google meal preps and microwaves
Me and Youngy... well...
We get by.

All of us away from family
12 to 14 hour days
We are at work
More than we are at home.

All from different worlds,
We make it work
Google moves out next week,
Due to upsetting the herd.

We are here for the money
We are here for our family
Dealing with our own ****
And sharing it occasionally.

I wish them success,
As I know this is temporary
All the best
To Dave and Google and Youngy.

I am a *******
I deserve none of this.

Smoke like a train
Drink like a fish
Can't ever focus
Gamble like a degenerate.

Starting to hide things
But, this is not the way it is to be.

You are so determined
So in love
With this piece
Of ****.

I eat poorly
Take drugs on the daily
Say, I'm not hungry
And you feel sorry for me .

Selfish lover
Under the covers
Go to sleep
During conversation.

I don't deserve you.

I want to die
Maybe suicide
But I am a *******
Still alive.

**** me
Before
I **** your
Soul.

I don't deserve you.

I say I'm sorry
But,I don't care
This *******
Has no regard.

I'm going to ruin
Your life.

I've made them believe
I am so wholesome
But in actual fact
I am a *******.

They love me
And can see no wrong
But I will destroy
All they know.

I can't change
As I haven't tried
**** me off
Before I **** your life.

You should have never wished me
Happy birthday.

I miss them.

Secretly, selfishly I want to return,
To be a part of their broken lives,
Which I had a hand in breaking.

I miss the familiar chaos,
The insults in jest,
The tears and the depth,
I just miss it.

I am so alone now,
Living two lives,
With a family I have no history with,
But with a woman I am so deeply in love with.

I need a common ground,
A painful compromise,
I am missing out,
On being a father to my children.

They need me,
And I need them,
They have gone so astray,
As have I.

They have grown up,
They are growing up,
And I am just a fortnightly event,
Never really present.

No amount of apologies,
Can make up for my vacancy,
I cannot be myself here,
Not fully.

I love my wife,
I love my new family,
I married into this,
But, the vows didn't represent reality.

I feel I am breaking,
I feel I am losing them,
I feel I have no control,
In raising them.

I will have to change this,
They will gain a day,
And she will have to sacrifice a day,
I'm sorry (again), but I need this.

I can't undo what I've done,
I can't go back,
This may all be a terrible mistake.

Created a new world,
While the other world rots,
I am my father's son,
And I hate that man.

So what? Just up and leave?
No, I cannot,
Push through the heartache,
Until it dissolves.

Moody *****,
Keep it to yourself,
This is what a man does,
This is how I have been trained.

I chose this,
Without knowing how it would be,
And now that I know how it is,
I am unsure that this is what I want.

I miss my kids, they miss me,
I told them I'd never ghost them,
The last promise, before I disappeared,
Only to reappear every 2 weeks.

I'm... a bit... stuck,
Trying to give a ****,
Trying to make a decision,
Trying to stay in love.

Growing strength within
Clawing from the inside
Numbing the feeling
Dulling the colour.
Devour the drive
Manifesting the hoard
Feast on the love
Inexorable hunger.

I smile, I say I'm ok
In my cast iron mask.

These demons want out
I am too weak
Too feeble
Too far gone.

Silence outside
Chaos within
Crisis of self
Emotional intelligence mute.

Ghosts walk by without word
Loneliness engulfs
Breaking my own heart
On my own.

She breaks too
Selfishly lick my own wounds
I don't want to die
But feel I may soon.

Hallway smiles
Deep issues denied
We fall silent, waiting for the other
To be recognised.

I walk out to the desert
To recollect and exhale
As this pain I contain
Should not be shared.

When I break, she breaks
As I am all she has
And she is all I need
Yet, I continue to bleed.

I have done nothing
And I'm all out of ideas
So I mask my pains with quick jokes
And a hundred beers.

Dying on the inside
With no way to explain
With no way to obtain
The happiness I once had.

Trying to learn in the moment
When I have already broken
I see her in pieces
But nothing is spoken.

Down.

Lines of communication blur
I can't be sure
Of my ****** expression
Or body language
My silence says it all
The disinterest
The cold response
The fatigue.

With tender touch
She prys at my shell
Searching for cracks
Or a subtle tell
Tender within
I convulse and sin
I let no love out
I let no love in.

The pain is all I want
This twisted front
It's all I've known
It has help me grow,
Perhaps not
I don't know what
It is to be loved
By another so pure.

She won't let me die
Without a fight
And the tears from her heart
Fall upon mine
My poor brittle ego
Exhales all this angst
And I fall hopelessly
In her embrace.

If you dare take the time
To acknowledge me and mine
You'll find
I have the same woes as the average Joe
Bills and rent and fines and things
Dinner and dishes and kids without wings
Some estranged, some in my midst
Some in need of a white knuckle fist
Im enraged, and I twist
Til her blessedness kiss
Instils logic
And the white knuckle tints
She calms the erratic
The fiend within
Who wants nothing but chaos
Blasphemy and sin.

She calms it all.

This beautiful missing piece
Who is trying her hardest
To be a mother, a provider
A beautiful lover.
The truth I needed to hear
Spoken ever so delicately
She tells it as she sees it
And she sees it so perfectly.

While I distort
Destroy and maim
She deflects the ignorance
And soaks in the pain,
She is my rock, my solid
My reason why
Nothing will fail
With her by my side.

Today I am not ok.

The demons within
Are getting their way,

They gouge and claw
Scratch and score
Embrace and adore
My beautiful pain,
I hear their screams
From beneathe paper skin
I turn up the music
In an attempt to muffle them.

I stop my day
To renounce their rein
With this wee poem
In hope it will slay,
Vent their angst
Through dancing word
It is my only defence
Against the hate they incur.

This anguish in time
Silences at last
Until next time they grow strength
And run rampant within.

Today, I'll be ok.

Accepts my indifference
Wild emotional tantrums
Uncomfortable silence
Sheer laziness
My silly human traits.

Respects space
Loves my face
And tells me
Every beautiful day.

I choose no other
Forever.

Once she awakes
From her nightshift efforts
I will remind her
She is appreciated
With a kiss and a cuppa.

Through my blurred perspective
Tinted rose iris
I will smile through plastic teeth
In doe eyed admiration
At this beautiful person
That chose me
Over all others.

Every tomorrow
Every today
That I get to see her
Is a blessing.

Until I die
I will adore
Tend and care for
My sweet Lawla,

Forever more.

Actualized dependencies
Total recordable injury frequency rate
Moving forward...

Go **** yourself.

I am suddenly "in"
Against my will
Amongst corporate drones
Forever on their phones.

Their sentences are cryptic
Their question are trivial
I sit there, complexed
Listening to their drivel.

Acronyms flow freely
From their forked tongues
I ask a menial question
Only to be scoffed upon.

As my brow furrows
And my chest tightens
I clench my fists
Withholding under the desk.

This is a boys club
Of overly cologned men
Clean cut with ***** paws
Suit and tie, the works.

It is my turn to speak
I stand and I ask
Were you lads always like this?
Who started this stupid stance?

I explain realistically
This is what affects our reality
These tasks and these problems
Are you lads even listening?

Once the silence gets too much
I take my seat
Every man in this room
Loses their job within a week.

They are given the flick
And I am given a raise
In high-vis, I carry on
Given obligatory praise.

I decline the raise
I spread it across my crew
As they are the gentleman
Deserving the recognition.

I return to my office
Answering emails and calls
Just another day
At big fat stupid work.

The end game is on its way
Routine chores are here to stay
Every day is every other day
Work and bills, too old to play.

Every penny has its purpose
Discussions deep on every purchase
No need for surplus
Within the adult circus.

Grey hairs coloured brown
Every ache now makes a sound
Playlists come back around
Swim to retirement or drown.

Birthdays, Christmas every second week
Facebook posts so we don't have to speak
Floorboards and bones have the same creak
Eat, ****, drink, work, **** and sleep.

Soon enough, we can retire and die
Tears will well and children will cry
Photos kept will fade as time goes by
Front bar of the afterlife, drop in and say Hi.

Circling winds
Stand within
Remnants of adoration
Unsure footing.

Movement where there was once none
It all twists and becomes
A life once wished upon
Unfortunate for some.

Blending worlds
Through ebb and flow
It is what it is
What will be will be, you'll see.

Luxury of love
The silk and the scent and the humble
The angst and the crush and the crumble
Privileged to be involved.

Blessed with morning kiss
Caring head on chest
Someone to assist with mess
A friend to miss.

It will all make sense
After the storm
For now, just stand within
Circling winds.

They work differently than we
Their indifference bores me.

I'm on my own,
All the time.

What have I done?

I don't get replies
She's too busy
And when she replies
She doesn't get it...

I feel this way.

I didn't think this would be the way
It would be
When I said
I do.

No fine print to read
These kids, so fukn clingy
Tough as a pensioners ****
They're **** all.

Got myself loose
On my own
Cos she was working
Cos that's her poison.

She'd rather do extras
And assist her crew
Than help us evolve
Me and her and them.

I watch her, and I don't know why
But I have a degree of mistrust
Maybe it's her, maybe it's them
Maybe it's me.

Heavy hate in my heart
Sleep will be difficult
But, I will try
On an empty mattress.

I predict she'll never read this.

I want it all
Yet nothing at all
I want to reach the highest peak
And fall
All at once
Yet not even a taste
I want to be left alone
In your warm embrace.

If you let me
I will show you
Who we can be
Together
I will show you love
And give you my all
If you catch me
After this fall.

These buckled knees
These broken dreams
This rusted cage
Around my heart
This tiny frame
This twisted brain
Unbeknownst to me
Was yours from the start.

I never knew
How I was able to feel
Until I felt something
For you
I cannot wait
Nor resist
To lose myself
In your touch and your kiss.

Its been a few months now
I've been home
She asked if we could make it work
I ensured her, we could.

At the beginning
It was all love
All ***, all muscle
All flex.

Routine arrives
Raises its brow
Settles, as dust
Covered in rust.

Familiar nuance
Dishes and dinner
Laughter and mayhem
Lego fidget spinner.

I go to work
They go to school
She folds my clothes
I'm unsure of where they go.

This ghost tints
No longer invisible
Our photos sit proudly
Upon window sill.

We have grown through distance
Strengthened from afar
I have what I've always had
I just never knew what it was.

It's family
It's love
It is all
The above.

Torn apart from my kin
Through my own decisions
They'll be fine, I tell myself
But they are not, they are broken

The love of my children
Has been put aside
For the love of a woman
I don't deserve this life

They hate me
And I dont blame them
I am my father's son
And they are theirs

It's gonna be ok.

We'll get through this ****
This is not a sink or swim
This is a win win

One day, you'll look back
And wonder
Why you worried at all

We will fix
Everything

With love.

Once flesh, now bone
Once bone, now tooth
Once innocent
Now fuckn uncouth.

Light behind closed eyes
Ignite iris and char sight
Rose coloured glasses
Misplaced.

They love me
They leave a light on for me
But, I still utilise
The light behind closed eyes.

Now I'm home
I'll hold you
With your arms
By your side.

Sigh.

Sickly circles
And a rash
That won't seem to go
Once flesh, now bone.

This brittle heart I was given
Covered in glue and silicon
Bandages and sticky tape
Barely beats nowadays.

So easily hurt, damaged and bruised
So easily deceived, ***** and used
My outer is strong, focused and clean
Yet, my inner is lost in a weak mans dream.

You ask for help, I give it
You ask for monetary unit
You demand my love, but give back only angst
And I fall in a heap, despite all my strength.

I close my eyes, amidst conversation
And you see this as a misunderstanding
I am just gathering my wits, can't you see?
It's hard to think, with a head full of sea.

I try to get my point across
But you rant and rave and get cross
I swallow my pride and words
Just to appease your requirements.

So, here I am, on my own, with you all
Loving my life, yet hating it all
You don't care if I fall
As long as I pay every toll.

Well, *******, and your fickle ways
I have one last breath, just for you
As I flip the bird and walk out the door
You will see, only then, what you've lost.

This brittle heart is all I have
It still beats, it still does its thing
When I recieve your apology text
I'll try my best, not to reply.

I was once like you
Wild and untamed
Music, drugs, no plan.

Concerts, mosh pits
Ripped jeans
Bad hair
Thinking I was the ****.

Living from week to week
Live like a king on payday
Almost homeless 6 days later
Microwaved meal diet.

**** school
Just a social gathering
Girlfriends and gossip
Popularity and talking ****.

**** and acid
Alcohol and cigarettes
Music, love and ***
Lets get ****** up.

Then, the hangovers hung on
And the drugs made me ill
I'd lose my edge, my intensity
I was aging... ******.

Get a job, get a haircut, comply
Every day, just get up and go
Save the money, buy a house
Wise investments.

Get married, have kids
Go to work, every ******* day
Just to support these kids
I helped to make.

So, these kids I made
Bad hair, attitude
All they want is music and drugs
Little devious homeless thugs.

It didn't matter
The wrong they did
I was just like them once
A thoughtless little kid.

So, it has all gone full circle
I am an old bloke now
And these kids, not giving a ****
Come to me when they need me.

It's not all bad
I see my kids happy sometimes
And I see who I used to be
With my kids, who were just like me.

God speed.

This isn't a real job
The lines are crossed and confused
Scope of works sometimes so vague
It shortens my poor bosses fuse.

When the job's on, the job's fukn on
We sweat bullets, amongst all the banter
Beers at the yard, lines off of tynes
And doobies to trigger the laughter.

We travel to places, serene and surreal
But also, vile, uninhabitable and ****
Our cars get a flogging, as do our livers
I don't really know, I just rocked up here.

We have seen many leave and given the flick
Jobs so *******, we didn't give a ****
Just do as we're told, take the money and fold
That's what I like about you, **** all.

Rub shoulders with corporate
Just play the fukn game
Remember old mate? What's his fukn name?
Yeah, he got fired, carry on old mate.

So we, the remaining few, represent the crew
Getting kicked out of a pub, maybe two
Sky fireworks, twerking locals and trannies
Mugs away, closest to bulls, play for serves.

As we encounter and share more scenarios
Breathe the ******* out and the good times in
Seeya on Mondee ya pregnant bitumen ****
If not, I'll see ya in the bottom of the bin.

She altered her entire reality
Picked up all her ****
And moved to the desert
For me.

She rolled the dice
On a verbal promise
That I would love her
Until we're dead.

My word
Is oak.

I left my world behind
My kids, my home, my abode
I rolled the dice
On her word.

I gamble my entire life
My heart and soul
That you are the one
I've been searching for.

Safe bet.

Roll the dice
On love.

Sick in the stomach
The demons are twisting, entwining
Gnashing and grinding
Clawing at my weaknesses.

Screaming inside me
Bellows from beneath the skin
Thriving on my insecurities
The demons, they feed endlessly.

I fall prey to their strength
Allow them to nest within me
As I sit alone...
Dreamless and pitiful.

**** it,

Let them feed.

I wish you all the best in your endeavours.

May it all fall in your lap
With minimal effort,
And desired results.

May you sleep sound with a clear conscience.

Undisturbed, at peace with your past.
May your trauma be slight and easily managed, making your life exciting and full of love.

I wish you this, as I battle against icy winds, adorned in old blankets, weeks unwashed.
Addictions unbreakable as the ignorance is bliss, social interactions often threatening and violent, lips blistered and skin weathered, all my belonging together in a shopping cart I stole last week. A hot meal is just a dream, but when achieved, is enjoyed in the shadows of the city, often eaten with my buckled, white knuckle hands. I don't ask for money anymore, as the colour has drained from my eyes and hair, and the strangers don't care, they are always in a rush somewhere, with everything but nothing to spare. When I die, noone will be notified, noone will cry, I will be simply a gross memory for a medic, having to drag my corpse from wherever I am, reeking of misery, loneliness and feces.

I wish you all the best.

It's breaking
It's broken
Anxiety
Awoken
Internal pains
Unspoken.

Sky at my feet
Head in the sand
Nothing sufficient
Close by or on hand.

It's broken
It's shattered
All I've loved
Never mattered
Cruel
Hindsight.

Time may heal
But present burns
Tomorrow unforeseen
Splintered tables turn.

It's broken
It's on fire
My love, my passion
My drive and desire.

This poor heart
Will never know
The riches gone begging.

The highs.

Hold your breath exhilaration
Glowing from over stimulation
Internally explode from joy
Outside old man, inside little boy.

The caress to calm all insecurity
A touch to tame the mad beast
Nothing can ever go wrong again
Confidence and ability a friend.

The lows.

Run from it all, hide away
Deep breaths to keep the demons at bay
No one understands, how can they
When explanations only decay.

Fantasise self harm
Dream of dying in the desert
Alone with friends and lover
**** me before I feel it all over.

Every emotion is felt in extreme
Unable to regulate the in-between
Cannot control the high or the low
It is killing me and nobody knows.

Besotted, disgruntled
Unable to calm.
Keep the skin ******
Do no self harm.

Take a breath, two if you must
In the process, you have to trust
Ignore the fiends
Forget the lust.

Stop the mind train
And brain thoroughfare
You're doing OK
As if you care.

You've gone too far
To let it all slip
Just give it a minute
Feelings will flip.

You'll be happy again in no time.

Curl into an anxious ball
Wrapped in cloth strewn
On the mattress dragged
To a silent tomb

Numb the phone
Lay and stare at the flickering pixels
Change position once bones creak
Awake still asleep

Salty deluge with no emotion
Perhaps just fatigue and disinterest
No time is now
There is only existence

No sustenance required
As no effort is made
But the mice in my mind
Swarm upon one another

The calm is electric
Letting reality die
Close my eyes one more time
To feel the embrace of my emptiness

Nothing is spoken
But the whispers to myself
Everything that I own
Stays where it is shelved

A crisis of nothing
A catastrophe of bliss
Coiled in angst and self pity
Goodnight my sweet prince

Home...

Where is home?
With the people you love?
And the couch that you know?
And the things that you own?

No.

Home is within,
Beneath your stretched skin,
The calmness you feel,
When you are alone,

This is home.

Where you can relax,
Amongst all the chaos,
Home is where you,
Can be you.

Removal of ones mask,
It is where you can bask,
In you individual oddness,
This is home.

Have a good day,
I'll see you at home,
I will start dinner,
See you there.

**

Our struggles make us who we are
The blatent cracks in our armour,
The pain we breathe on our own
Must be exhaled with eachother.

Accepting flaws is human
No one owns perfection,
Take a breath, take some time
And come back when you're ready.

It's ok to be wrong
It's ok to feel out of sorts,
Control your reactions
Control your thoughts.

The answers are there
If you choose to seek,
Share your pain with those you love
Cry, eat and sleep.

She doesn't say
How was her day
Anymore.

She sometimes says
What I need to change
My behavior or my attitude
Is usually the way.

She never says
She's strong, she's brave
And, I want her to be.

Perhaps, not today.


I try.

I fukn try.

But, our eyes don't meet
Eye to eye.


I think of her
Throughout the day,
I doubt
She does the same.

At times she fills me
Full of love,
At times she kills me
And all of the above.

So...

Tea is ready,

And, I should go...

I wonder, if she'll say
How her day was.

Fingers crossed
That she says so.

Left to my own devices
I try to eat at suitable times
Try to keep up the routine
But idle hands are the devils plaything.

Stay busy, talk to people
Socialise to stave off the sadness
But, these people don't know me
And I'm tired of explaining.

The house is clean enough
Footy on in the background
Just for the noise
Just for the sound.

7 or so beers later
I just walk into the desert
No rhyme or reason
Just to move and do something.

I return home, nothing has changed
Everything remains the same
So I sit, and I stare
At the top of my empty beer.

She'll be home in 3 sleeps
I could be dead by then
Funny, how dependant I am on her existence
I miss my wife, my best friend.

When she's gone, I'm so lost
Wandering around doing nothing
No drive, I just don't feel alive
No identifiable characteristics.

I should probably eat.

The storm is calming finally
To a calm exhale breeze
There was times
I had dust
In my eyes
But now
The well is full (both of them)
And, I am
Content and safe.

Lightening, horizon bound
As I've found
This twisted reflection
Smiles back.

The pain is always temporary
You too, will look back
And smile your beautiful smile
The beautiful inside smile you always hide.

As a human, hunting happiness
And finding it,
It is my duty
To hope you find yours.

I believe in you
Good luck.

Sometimes, I feel it's not working
I run made-up scenarios in my head
Like, something is wrong
Because of what I did or what I said.

I obsess about where she is
If she's OK and if she's thinking about me
Why she hasn't responded yet
I try to keep it all together.

An insecurity I've never had
An ego issue perhaps
I know she's OK, I know she loves me
But these voices inside still persist.

When I see her it's golden
Nothing could ever go wrong
I don't do alone as well as I used to
I just sit, and stare on my lonesome.

Everything has changed
Maybe it's me
I'll give it some time and we'll see
If I **** this up.

She's quiet tonight
After our conversation
I had an opinion
Then she went quiet.
Her responses are weak
Her mannerisms timid
I can feel my anger building
But I internalise the demon.
I do not sleep well
Nor does she
I can hear her breathing
I know when she's asleep.
She wakes me unintentionally
I feel I barely slept
She apologises and leaves for work
While I listen to every footstep.
I cannot concentrate at work
Basic responses to trivial questions
I do just enough
To defer any suspicion.
I want her to say I'm wrong
That she doesn't agree
But she internalised her demon
Just like me.

The poems I wrote
You didn't read.

I was trying
To communicate.

The threats you dished out
The compliance you required
The more you wanted
Just bottled me up.

Now, you are someone else
Someone I wouldn't bother with
A memory that pains me
A topic I try to avoid.

I tried
Pieces within have died
I have no choice but to use my voice
To try and regain some pride.

I have built myself up
I have a beautiful friend by my side
I have recreated myself in such a way
The old me wouldn't recognise.

This is the last one I write
The last one you won't read.

It doesn't matter what you think
Or how you feel
I have cut ties...

Tell the kids, Dad says Hi.

Hanging by a tendon.
Feelings have teeth,
Isolate the soul,
To feel... something.
No reasoning,
Irate simply because.
Prickles behind shallow eyes...
Something is wrong.

Just need a minute
To exhale.

May have been here before,
The same feelings of angst,
Familiar internal screams,
Writhing and twisted within.
Tense, blank, and fickle,
Lost in a world under skin,
Greying out the love,
To feel... something.

Just need a minute
To exhale.

Alien home,
Out of place,
Skin doesn't fit,
Like once hoped.
Unsure how to continue,
The mask is back on,
Deep breaths,
Just get some sleep.

Just need a minute
To dream.