From what everything once was,
To what everything is now.

Prickles from baby plant talons,
Paper cuts with a hint of sting
Under skin, now paper thin,
ESP now inevitably seen.
Warmth from lost souls,
Misery loves company,
They always have to leave,
Collectable core memories.

Electricity and water
Lessen the resistivity,
Flow over scars as tar feathered,
Healing as they go,
As they glow.
Stalemate black and white affection,
Gloves off, butterfly acceptance,
Just let it bee...
Naked flame of you and me.

Calm water mirror reflections,
No stones thrown today,
Ripples stay in past skims of stones
In other streams, perhaps dreams.
For the now, in this small present,
Give cheese to the skies,
Relect from far away clouds and stars
To reserved hearts.

From what everything is now,
To what everything will be.

As a husk
As my heart
Is elsewhere
I swear

As a ghost
As my flesh
Is elsewhere
I swear

Existing
Hardly here
And it will hurt
When I disappear

As a husk
As a ghost.

Been swimmin in gutters
Finding the darkest corners
To crawl toward

In the silence
The screams are louder
And the breaths
Seem deeper

Reaching out
To pedestrians
Watching the different colour socks
Walk past

Not dead
Just dying
Drownin
In gutters

Brittle strength
Patient haste
Take a photo
Of your face
It will age
And you will forget
Who you were
And what we meant.

Conversation
Bounces around erratic
We still laugh
We still understand
No matter
How we live
Or how unclean
Our house is.

You are my friend
And I don't care
How much money you make
Or what you have saved
As long as the handshake
Is as solid as it was back then.

He plays his games
On playstation and phone
In the morning he is sober
But not in the afternoon

The illusion of him
Is so engrained
It must be love
I must be insane

Tonight, he walked away
With nothing to say
He just sent me a text
To advise

I thought he was strong
Able, confident and coherent
But, he is as broken as the last man
And I have only just seen it

All my eggs are in this basket
I am too old to start again
He loves me, and treats me like no other
We are still figuring out this new life.

Where am I? What is this place?
All that I know with a new found face
A new freedom and opportunity
Why don't you play games on your phone?

These kids, strange and relative
I cannot be their mentor
I am too far gone
I am not their father

Many moving parts
Many broken hearts
This maybe the straw
That breaks the camels back

Doubt it.

Defensive mechanism
Still engaged
Perhaps it's just me
But, a soft escape without a word

Seems to work.

She talks a lot
And sometimes, not at all
She is always tired
But finds it hard to sleep
She has the weight of the world
On her little shoulders
And scars from decisions
She made in her youth.

She has a torrid past
Vague and complicated
Scared of going out alone
Because the world is a scary place
She has been used
She has been abused
Broken, distorted
And treated as a fool.

This dark haired fragile angel
Is my world
Her strength gives me strength
And I give her mine
We have allowed eachother
To finally exhale
After so many years
Of holding our breath.

She is not perfect
But, to me, she is
She makes me feel again
Like art should.

We drive down the hill
I drop them off home
I drive up the hill
On my own

On the way up
The sadness creeps in
The lonely embrace
The kiss of depression

Silent sighs
Deep breaths
The weight of it all
On my chest

I am not doing my best
I am failing

The very thought of trying
Drains me

I pull in the drive
Shut the gates
Pour a drink
Sit on my own with my mates

Only a fortnight
Til I see them again
Til I can drive down the hill
Again.

I never know what to write
Confronting the blank page
Many thoughts dance and swirl
I could write what I think, or what I feel.

It's up to me.

The freedom imprisons me
Locked up in my own wings...

Sometimes...

I just don't know what to write.

There are so many angles
So many feelings
So many thoughts
Just being an average human...

But if I write it to let it out
To inspire or perhaps incite
What right or wrong will be achieved
I'll just charge my phone goodnight.

Nerves rattle
Like an old fridge
Shudder and spasm
**** water from beneathe.

Concentration evades
Yet I am see-through
Crumpled cellophane
In a ****** church window.

You know all of me
Better than I.

All these edges
Cigs, ****, ****, love
I have become
A square.

Every vice
Is crushing my soul.

Tensions build
Erupt on the inside
I crush up my fists
Like paper cups.

Conclusion a distant illusion
Salted with confusion
I asked for well done
Only ever get blue

It must get worse
Before it gets beautiful.

The silence
Is unerring.

TV on
Just for the noise.

Check my phone
To see if I missed anything.

I can hear myself
Blink.

Hours crawl by
Hours smell the roses
Grind into a day of lethargy
To create a null memory.

Another day
That is all.

Soak in the serenity
Of nothing at all.

The silence
Is exhilarating.

I've seen a strong man cry
Break down in my arms like a child
Then **** it up like all is fine
Beaten down by this cruel world.
The system is broken
And so are the men
We toil just to numb the pain
Drink and smoke to forget.
No annual leave left
To sleep in and organise life
No sick leave to watch a movie
Knock off and fall asleep.

The kids don't call
Nor do I
I miss being in their life
It kills me inside.

I'm a good liar
Showing a strong exterior
But I am breaking
It has taken some time.

Laziness and poor sleep
Turn off the car, almost weep
Take a breath, go inside
Say hello to the wife.

The pressure mounts
I feel it within
Not long now
Not long now.

I used to be ten
I had my first kiss then
Then I blinked
And I was forty.

I remembered her
But we drifted away
She remembered me
From so far away.

We lived our own lives
Trauma, pain and angst
Breaking and rebuilding
Finding our way.

We fell in love with others
We started our own families
But somewhere, out there
She still breathed and thought of me.

As fate would have it
I kissed her again
Sometime in July.

As destiny would have it
I loved her again
Sometime in August.

As my choices would have it
A decision is made
In my hearts mind
I'm hers, she's mine.

Tomorrow
I'm gon exist
Just play the fukn game
Grind n twist
Extinguish spot fires
Do my job
It doesn't matter
Take the money
She loves me
Hit the vape
Too many
Cutla bevs
Not enough
Tomorrow
Gon get it done.

Stay employed...

Every second bat of the eye
The dreams creep
Of who I should've been
And the disgust of who I am now
This silly simple man
With stupid silly answers
To your overly intelligent questions
Go **** yourself
As my ending argument...

I am not this
This stupid fukn job
It's just what I do
To pay the the government
I am full of bitterness
I am full of love
I am full of everything beneath
And everything above.

I'll be there tomorrow
Maybe a bit late
Maybe a bit hazy
But, I'll be there...

I will give
As much of me
As I choose to give
As much as I feel you require,
You won't get my fire
You haven't earned it
I leave that as backup spare
To those that actually fukn care.

*****.

Life.

This is it.

Have a sip
You're done
Votes are in
Fail to win.

I saw her, for the first time
On the other side of the glass
Patiently, I sat crossed legged
To feel the first embrace

The touch of her skin
The feel of the kiss on her face
I waited there
Fireworks within

I held her close and tight
Her scent of strawberry and sweets
As she wrapped her arms around me
I felt as I was home and safe

Hometown pains and wonders
Photos of postcodes
The proudest chauffeur
Holding hands at 110

Admitting our faults
Our horrible histories
Our defects and additions
To our now naked bodies

Endless banter, factual and humour
Bouncing off of walls and eachother
Beers and ***** and pizza
We talked as if weve known eachother forever
Falling asleep naked
In the middle of the day
Eggs Benedict and pear cider
Come in, we're awesome

Hot tubs and expensive reds
Fruchocs, dark chocolate with mint
Dressed to the nines
Is where I made her mine

No TV, just music and squeezes
Sensual ******* passions
Climbed trees in the rain
Tested beds in showrooms
Spilled drinks and kicked over *** plants
Sang songs of our playlist
And her kiss
Was that of an angel I once knew

I will not defer
It is all for her
I will cherish this twin flame
Under the same star
No matter how far away we are.

I have never had a memory so pure
So I am sure
That she is mine
And I am hers

X

Sundee
Lazy arv
Everything
In its right place

Make the time
To help future me
Do it now
Later is too late

Keep moving
Organise small futures
Tiny goals
Baby fireworks wins

Pub for dinner
Alone.

Take the time
To get dressed up
To smell delectable
Even though I'm on my own.

Be nice
Smile and listen
Retort in my own way
To incite thought and emotion.

Eat my *******
In the dining room
With families and friends
On my own, table 46.

Cheers, hoo roo.

Take the bins out
Calm the lounge fire
Prep work clothes for tomorrow
Curl up in the silence.

Lazy eve
Sundee.

Juggle the wants and needs
In a spotlight for all to see
Laughing and pointing
From the grandstand at me
Applauding and hissing
An extra in your movie
Just passing through
Nothing to see here
The blood is just tomato sauce
The tears are only rain
The scars are all clay and make up
The mask hides all the pain
I only feel the bad
The angst, anger, fear and hate
Desensitised to love and adoration
From the world I chose to create
When we talk
You're not talking to me
I am shell of who I used to be
A husk of a human entity
It has all gone amiss
I cannot juggle anymore
Exhausted and ready for hospice
This jester, in the spotlight, on the floor.

Red light.

Breathe broken breaths
Clench tighter than before
Blink twice, just to hold back
Nuisance tears.

Disconnect eye contact
Take the deep breath slowly
To deter detection
Of the emptiness within.

Missed calls
Unanswered texts
Notifications mount
Too much for the weak angels.

Responsibility wolves
Gnashing their jowls
Drooling their expectation
Dog food breath on the back of neck.

Tiny frame tightening
Plastic teeth clenched
Eyes, now as bitter slits
Crumpled paper expression...

Green light,

Foot down.

The end game is on its way
Routine chores are here to stay
Every day is every other day
Work and bills, too old to play.

Every penny has its purpose
Discussions deep on every purchase
No need for surplus
Within the adult circus.

Grey hairs coloured brown
Every ache now makes a sound
Playlists come back around
Swim to retirement or drown.

Birthdays, Christmas every second week
Facebook posts so we don't have to speak
Floorboards and bones have the same creak
Eat, ****, drink, work, **** and sleep.

Soon enough, we can retire and die
Tears will well and children will cry
Photos kept will fade as time goes by
Front bar of the afterlife, drop in and say Hi.

I don't lock my doors
You are always welcome.

You look at me
With eyes of pixie
Through a reflective phone
Made of glass,
Through filters and text
We have planned what comes next
Invites, meal preparation
Rings and dress.

Everything online
Due to the pandemic
Living separate lives
Just dealing with it,
We are not prepared
For the unforeseeable
But who is?
Just gimme a kiss.

Shotgun hope
This is our last chance
To find happiness
Amongst our torrid past,
My children may sigh
At the decisions that I
Make without their input
It is what it is.

I will leave my door open
To discuss current matters
I will keep your heart in mind
To ensure none shatters,
It is not my intent
To break your heart
But, to repair mine
A tad selfish, I know.

The dust will settle
And we will all find our place
I will show you through time
This is not a mistake,
To who you are now
To where you came from
I don't lock my doors
You are always welcome.

20 years fade away
Memories evade
Due to choices
Made.

Take a larger slice
I can handle it.

Shake the bottle
Breathe deeper
Get brave
Just to feel something.

Yesterday catches up to today
Memories evade
Due to choices
Made.

The pain was temporary
Until it stayed
Until it took a slice
Of the cake I made.

Click click, click click
Scroll the wheel
Move the mouse
Click click, click click
Stare at the screen
So close to my face
Load bearing pole
Directly behind my chair

Scope, quote, execute, invoice
Click click, click click
Archive, delete, red flag
Corporate buzz words mean nothing
Click click, click click
I am living this insanity
To stay alive
And out of jail

Life becomes repetitive
Leave the office, to the pub
Click click, click click
I only talk to you because you work with me
Good weekend? Go **** yourself
This is not a life
We are prisoners, unable to escape
Due to the threat of poverty

Two days off, sleep in
Turn off the alarms
Wander around lifeless
With no cause, no drive
Unsupervised, barely alive
No direction that I can derive
Weekend's over as a new night dies
Back to the grind.

Click
Click
Click
Click

I wish you all the best in your endeavours.

May it all fall in your lap
With minimal effort,
And desired results.

May you sleep sound with a clear conscience.

Undisturbed, at peace with your past.
May your trauma be slight and easily managed, making your life exciting and full of love.

I wish you this, as I battle against icy winds, adorned in old blankets, weeks unwashed.
Addictions unbreakable as the ignorance is bliss, social interactions often threatening and violent, lips blistered and skin weathered, all my belonging together in a shopping cart I stole last week. A hot meal is just a dream, but when achieved, is enjoyed in the shadows of the city, often eaten with my buckled, white knuckle hands. I don't ask for money anymore, as the colour has drained from my eyes and hair, and the strangers don't care, they are always in a rush somewhere, with everything but nothing to spare. When I die, noone will be notified, noone will cry, I will be simply a gross memory for a medic, having to drag my corpse from wherever I am, reeking of misery, loneliness and feces.

I wish you all the best.

Hanging by a tendon.
Feelings have teeth,
Isolate the soul,
To feel... something.
No reasoning,
Irate simply because.
Prickles behind shallow eyes...
Something is wrong.

Just need a minute
To exhale.

May have been here before,
The same feelings of angst,
Familiar internal screams,
Writhing and twisted within.
Tense, blank, and fickle,
Lost in a world under skin,
Greying out the love,
To feel... something.

Just need a minute
To exhale.

Alien home,
Out of place,
Skin doesn't fit,
Like once hoped.
Unsure how to continue,
The mask is back on,
Deep breaths,
Just get some sleep.

Just need a minute
To dream.

I miss them.

Secretly, selfishly I want to return,
To be a part of their broken lives,
Which I had a hand in breaking.

I miss the familiar chaos,
The insults in jest,
The tears and the depth,
I just miss it.

I am so alone now,
Living two lives,
With a family I have no history with,
But with a woman I am so deeply in love with.

I need a common ground,
A painful compromise,
I am missing out,
On being a father to my children.

They need me,
And I need them,
They have gone so astray,
As have I.

They have grown up,
They are growing up,
And I am just a fortnightly event,
Never really present.

No amount of apologies,
Can make up for my vacancy,
I cannot be myself here,
Not fully.

I love my wife,
I love my new family,
I married into this,
But, the vows didn't represent reality.

I feel I am breaking,
I feel I am losing them,
I feel I have no control,
In raising them.

I will have to change this,
They will gain a day,
And she will have to sacrifice a day,
I'm sorry (again), but I need this.

Our struggles make us who we are
The blatent cracks in our armour,
The pain we breathe on our own
Must be exhaled with eachother.

Accepting flaws is human
No one owns perfection,
Take a breath, take some time
And come back when you're ready.

It's ok to be wrong
It's ok to feel out of sorts,
Control your reactions
Control your thoughts.

The answers are there
If you choose to seek,
Share your pain with those you love
Cry, eat and sleep.

Growing strength within
Clawing from the inside
Numbing the feeling
Dulling the colour.
Devour the drive
Manifesting the hoard
Feast on the love
Inexorable hunger.

I smile, I say I'm ok
In my cast iron mask.

These demons want out
I am too weak
Too feeble
Too far gone.

Ready to go.

Bags packed,
The time is nigh,
Leave the phone
On charge, history deleted.

Wallet in the top drawer,
No note.

No rhyme or reason,
No destination,
My life expectancy
Is one.

Relieve the pressure,
On an amber sand dune,
Spill the angst,
Amber turns crimson.

Wait and reflect,
Fatigues embrace
Takes its icy hold,
Embed the husk, dead sand angel.

Pass on my condolences
To the family.

Ready to go.