Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Aug 1 · 37
happiness pt. x
sara Aug 1
the pursuit of happiness
it's the one thing every human on earth has in common
some want to be rich
some want to be healthy
some want to have power
but if you look at the deeper meaning
it's because they believe that will bring them happiness

everyone wants to be happy
but for some it's not so easy
some people live their whole lives and only feel happiness a number of times that they can count on one hand
and others live their whole lives with that feeling of warmth, love, and contentment

i used to be in the former group
i had felt pure, true happiness 3, maybe 4, times in my entire life
but things are different now
they're so much better
and now i find myself slipping into the latter

i find myself waking up, glad to be alive, to start a new day
i find myself feeling that warmth spreading from my chest all the way down to my toes
i find myself going to sleep with a small smile gracing my lips because i simply can't help it

tears of joy have fled my eyes simply from the pure emotions i feel
i've never felt so complete in my life as i do right now

this journey wasn't easy
i lost my way so many times
i came so close to giving up
but it worked out in the end
because that's how it was meant to be

and i'd written about those sparse moments of happiness
that fleeting feeling i'd experienced
but there's no need for anymore happiness pt. 1 or 2 or so on
because i've reached happiness pt. infinity
and this joy is no longer fleeting
no longer a rarity
it's a constant in my life
a constant that will stay for the rest of my life
because now that i have it
i'm never letting go
Apr 10 · 96
sara Apr 10
i feel beautiful
for the first time
in my entire life

i can’t tear my eyes away from my reflection
but for the first moment ever
it’s not out of disgust

what a strange experience
to look in the mirror
and smile

to not only accept what i see
but appreciate it as well
to see beauty in myself

i spin around in my dress
and giggle
as it flows around me

i stare
and stare
and stare

is this the same person?
is this really me?
is this how others see me?

i’ve spent so long hating myself
and this whole time
i’ve been this beautiful?

tears fill my eyes
as i realize how foolish i’ve been
how could i not know that i was this girl in the mirror?

i bask in the moment
knowing it won’t last
but appreciating it all the same

i’ll have to take the dress off eventually
and i’ll look at myself
and hate what i see

but for right now
i feel beautiful
i am beautiful
Apr 10 · 262
the end
sara Apr 10
is this the end?
god i hope so
i've been waiting
so long
for it to come

i'll admit
i've tried
to reach it
but it hasn't worked

i suppose
the end will come for you
when it is your time
and i feel in my bones
that now
now is my time
Apr 10 · 45
sara Apr 10
the woods behind that house
her piercing stare that knows all your secrets
dragonflies flying around
her obnoxious yet charming socks
singing without a care in the world
your childhood home
naps in the middle of the day
the feeling when you’ve just cleaned your room
telling stories around the campfire
her gait through the fields
barefaced and beautiful
Apr 10 · 82
sara Apr 10
tanning at the beach
pigtails paired with []
banana cream pie
the way her eyes squint in the sunlight
playing with a puppy
cross country road trips in an old van
the stars shining down at night
the secrets of the moon
sitting criss cross applesauce
going to grandma’s for the weekend
her blindingly bright smile
a soft piano melody
innocent kisses
children running around the park
tiptoeing across the room
Apr 10 · 54
sky blue
sara Apr 10
the clearest water you’ll ever see
her eyes in the sunlight
artificial flavoring
the neighbor’s hydrangeas
a cloudless summer day
wonder of what will come next
ringing laughter
carefree teenagers
that small coffee shop on the corner
the smell of a new book
the way she spins in circles until she’s dizzy
catching her when she falls
tears of joy
dancing until 2 am
an endless summer
Apr 9 · 49
sara Apr 9
delicate petals
bubblegum popping
shiny lipgloss
that knowing glance
her miniskirt
braided hair
freshly painted nails
sunsets in the summertime
her nose on a cold winter day
that blush when shy
strawberry cupcakes
colorful converse
that lovely feeling inside
Apr 9 · 66
sara Apr 9
cotton candy on coney island
marshmallows warmed by the fire
like biting into a cloud
freshly fluffed pillows
flowers blooming in springtime
that one girl’s pastel hair
a teenager’s bedroom, complete with posters and stuffed animals galore
a casual, flowing dress
retro sunglasses
the smile she gives when complimented
Apr 9 · 41
sara Apr 9
i'm convinced that
the letter J is cursed
for me at least

the people that i've hurt
the people that have hurt me
all have that one similarity

there have been nine so far
nine Js in my life
and i've vowed to never let another one in

Js are toxic for me
not for everyone
but for me, certainly

i know it’s a bit prejudiced and unfair
to avoid people
simply because of their name

however i’ve taken the risk too many times
and it always ends the same
so until proven otherwise
the letter J is infernal
Apr 9 · 34
my friend mia
sara Apr 9
one of my best friends
is named mia

we met when i was in fifth grade
although she didn't tell me her name then
she gave me a smile instead
and said not to worry about it

and so i didn't
and mia and i grew closer and closer
we became inseparable
i was not myself without her

i kept my friendship with mia a secret
because although i didn't want to admit it
i knew she was a bad influence from the beginning
i knew she was toxic

but even so
she makes me feel better
i know that i can always go to her when i'm upset
and she knows just what to do

when people found out about mia
they tried to keep us apart
but it was too late
we'd already become one and the same

and so i pretended
i pretended that mia left me
i convinced everyone around me
but it's all a lie

she's not gone
she will never be gone
although i don't think i want mia in my life anymore
i know that she's here to stay

it's not up to me now
mia's taken control
i just submit to her
and do her bidding

but it's really not that bad
i mean, she does help me out every now and then
she'll pretend to give me control
and it makes me feel powerful

in my mind
i know that i'm never truly in control
but it's comforting to imagine
to make believe for just a moment
Apr 9 · 25
sara Apr 9
those four letters
so concise and bold!

it's quite a good word
effective, strong, sharp
packs a punch

it makes heads turn
gathers stares from strangers
so many different reactions!

gasps from children
glares from mothers
laughter from teens

and it’s so versatile too!
use it as any part of speech
and it’ll always make sense

it’s a little bit *****
you can proposition someone
or whisper it into a lover’s ear

the insults you can throw around
the obscenity
all with that one little word

and while its use is often frowned upon
all i have to say to those people is
Apr 9 · 27
sara Apr 9
i am nothing more
than a product
for people to use and enjoy

i am worth nothing more
than the services that
i provide to others

i exist
simply to be used
until i’m broken

and i’m sorry to say
that i’ve been broken
i’m useless now

i’ve been all used up
i have nothing left to offer
this product is fruitless

so throw me away
get rid of me
dispose of me

and if no one else will
i guess i’ll just have to do it myself
put myself where i belong

so don’t worry
i won’t take up any more space on your shelves
you can replace me with something of value

i hope at least
that you got something of worth from me
before i became defective
Apr 7 · 384
happiness pt ii
sara Apr 7
it’s near the end of freshman year and we’re closer than ever. you’re my best friend and i your’s. after school we walk down to starbucks and just sit there for hours. we sip our drinks and relapse slightly into our dreaded emo phases. we talk about everything and nothing. we laugh loudly and admittedly obnoxiously. i’m sure the other patrons were quite tired of us. we’re talking about pierce the veil when one of my managers from work walks in. as luck would have it, it’s the one who despises me with her entire being. we try to quiet down a bit and stop laughing but it’s impossible at this point. i give up on caring and just let her judge me to high heaven. she already will anyway. she leaves and you and i laugh and continue being embarrassing idiots in the middle of this coffee shop. i haven’t laughed this hard in who knows how long, maybe my entire laugh. you’re the only one who can make me laugh this hard. i love you so much and looking at you smiling and laughing fills me with that feeling once again. it starts in my chest and flows through me, warming me from the inside out. it’s gone just as quick as it appears but it’s simply unforgettable, that feeling. for only the second time in my entire life, i feel whole.
sara Mar 31
• dorian mcelrone
• alivia wynn
• jack carson
• drake rabon
• arabella kirkman
Mar 27 · 35
sara Mar 27
i didn’t even know you
we’d never even talked
so why do i still think about you
wherever i walk?

i can't even look at my couch
without remembering you
and the way you were slouched
watching television until two

they say i've been reminding them of you
with my headphones always on
they're worried that i might follow through
and soon be gone

and although i hate to say it,
their worries aren't completely irrational
i'm a little bit of a hypocrite
when i think about how this life is abysmal

i think most people tried to erase the pain
all of the reminders of you
but it'll always be stuck in our brains
the world is different now too

you were here
and then you weren't
you left us with fear
of who would next be caught in the current

all of this runs through my mind
and i think about how i didn't even know you
what about the friends you left behind?
will they ever be able to continue?
Mar 17 · 21
sara Mar 17
i just wanna be skinny
is it too much to ask for?
to become nothing but skin and bones
is my greatest wish

i look in the mirror
and i hate everything that i see
and i think
that maybe if i was skinny
i wouldn’t hate myself nearly as much

i wish i could just grab a knife
and carve away all of the fat
piece by piece
until i’m satisfied

oh how i wish
to be able to feel
every single rib
sharp hipbones and collarbones
a tiny arm that i could wrap my hand around

i want people to stare
to look at me and wonder how i did it
how i turned from this disgusting creature
into someone skinny who can do no wrong

i want to be so skinny that people start to worry
they’ll ask me if i’m okay
and i’ll smile and laugh and respond with a gentle “of course!”
to put their mind at ease

and later that night
i’ll lay in bed
smiling to myself
thinking of that comment
until i realize that it’s not enough

i’m not enough
i will never be enough
but maybe i can fool everyone else into thinking that i am
if only i were
Mar 15 · 38
how to say no
sara Mar 15
i have a bit of a problem
with saying no to people
it's so hard for me
and most of the time
i just can't bring myself to do it

and so i let people use me
i let them walk all over me
i let them do whatever they want
because i don't really deserve
to say no

i'm not a good person
i've done bad things
i've hurt people
and so this is my repentance
i'll give anyone anything they want

even if it hurts me
even if it tears me to pieces
who cares?
as long as everyone else is happy
i'll let them use me

when i was younger
i read the story of the giving tree
and i wondered how it was possible
for the tree to give everything away
so easily, without question, even though it killed her

as i grew older
i began to understand
i don't want to be selfish
i want for others to be able to thrive
even if it means my own destruction

i don't really think anyone realizes
that i don't particularly want to do
much of what they offer
i'd like to think it's because i'm such a good actress
(although i know it's just because they don't really care)

and so i go along my life
trying to figure out
how to say no
how to hold my own
how to exist for myself and not for others

i've yet to figure it out
and i confess
some days i don't want to
because it's just so much easier
to keep on the way i am

despite this
i continue on my search
for the power to say no
for the power to be liberated
for the power to be me

because i'm realizing
i don't want to end up like the giving tree
i want to do things for me
and me only
Mar 15 · 307
happiness pt iii
sara Mar 15
it's summer. the beginning of july to be exact. my mom and i have finally arrived in north carolina for the highlight of my year: summer camp (or as i lovingly call it: nerd camp). i, for some idiotic reason, am wearing maroon sweatpants, a black tank top, black combat boot heels, and a polka dot blanket. why i'm wearing the blanket in the sweltering heat remains a mystery to me as well. i'm dragging my obnoxious, oversized suitcases behind me as the counselors try their hardest not to stare. i know i've definitely overpacked for only a three week stay, but better safe than sorry right? i see the magnificent front doors and a smile graces my lips. i'm finally here. back where i can fully be myself unapologetically. it's as i start lugging my bags up the pathway when the doors open and out you come. oh, how glad i am to see you. our eyes meet and instantly our slight smiles are turned into blinding grins. i drop my bags, my blanket, forget everything and run towards you as you run towards me. we meet in the middle of the path in a bone crushing hug that can hardly express how much we've missed each other. i know we're causing a scene but i really just can't bring myself to care. after a year apart, we're finally reunited, even if only for a meager three weeks. i fully intend to spend as much time as humanly possible with you over the next twenty one days, no matter how annoyed you may get of me. i know i'm a handful but that's one of the reasons you love me, isn't it? it's hard to believe that we only met a year ago, only a hundred or so feet away from where we stand now. the bond that's formed between us feels like we've known each other a lifetime at least. as we hug and you spin me around and everyone stares, i let out a bubbly laugh. i am happy. i'm filled with pure joy and nothing else. for the first time in so long, i don't think about what can go wrong, how we'll have to leave each other again soon, how recently i'd been feeling like life wasn't worth living. i think only of how happy i am to finally have your arms wrapped around me again and how just being near you makes me feel like everything will be okay. i don't know how you do it but you cause me so much joy that it's all i can feel. in my mind, i make a note. this. this is what pure happiness feels like. and if i'm able to feel it now, i know i'll be able to feel it again. so with that joy comes hope. this is only the second time i've ever felt pure happiness in my life but i know there's more to come. this is only part ii of a neverending series. it may take a while for the pieces to come out at first but i know they'll come easier and easier as i go on. and so i hold on. thinking of happiness pt i. thinking of happiness pt ii. thinking of happiness pt ∞.
Mar 15 · 144
la vie
sara Mar 15
je pense
que cette vie n'est pas pour moi
cette décision, ce n'est pas irréfléchi
j'en pense tout le temps
je rêve de la mort
et je l'attends

je voulais qu'il y avoie été un autre choix
mais maintenant
je ne crois pas en ces fantasies naïf
j'ai grandi
et je comprends maintenant
la vie n'est pas pour moi
la vie ne sera jamais pour moi

je ne doute pas
que ce chemin soit le mien

j'espère qu'il y a quelque chose
que je pourrais faire pour ma famille
pour mes amis
pour les gens qui seront un peu tristes
quand tout est fini

mais je sais
que tout que je peux faire
est écrit une lettre bien
qui explique les pensées que
vole dans ma tête

Mar 15 · 36
hey siri
sara Mar 15
hey siri
you're supposed to have all the answers aren't you?

hey siri
how can i be happy?

hey siri
why is nothing working?

hey siri
would it be better if i just wasn't here anymore?

hey siri
how would i go about doing that?

hey siri
how do i tell my friends i don't want to live anymore?

hey siri
how do i tell the people who gave me life that i no longer want it?

hey siri
how do i tell them i've written a note?

hey siri
how do i make sure there's no room for error?

hey siri
how do i say goodbye?
Mar 15 · 132
these people
sara Mar 15
i'm surrounded
by all of these people
but for the first time
in a very long time
i don't feel alone

these people
they understand me
with just a look
with just a touch
they know my mind

and while i sometimes wish they didn't
it's easy to find comfort in them
these people
who have hurt so much
but have still managed to survive

i see myself
reflected in the eyes
of these people
and i know
that i can live another day
Feb 28 · 35
sara Feb 28
what is an apology really worth?
if you think about it,
all an apology really is
are some meaningless words
from someone's mouth

anyone can say an apology
and not mean a single word
how can you tell
if they're telling the truth?

if you ask people this question,
they'll reply simply with
"you'll be able to feel it"
but that's not an answer
not really

and sometimes
an apology isn’t quite enough
there will be times
where you **** up so badly
a simple “sorry” can’t make it all better

well then what do you do?
even if you really truly mean it
that apology is useless, meaningless
to the other person

so what’s an apology really worth?
the times when you mean it most
it’s worth the least
some things just can’t be fixed
by saying “sorry”
Feb 28 · 37
sara Feb 28
how is it
that i’m most creative
when i least want to create?

i fall down a pit
i get stuck
i get sad

but when this happens
i get inspired
i do my best work

what kind of sick irony
is the world playing on me?

i want to create
i want to make art
but i can only do so if i’m sad?

i don’t want to be sad anymore
it’s become too much for me
but i worry
if i’m no longer sad
can i still create?
Feb 28 · 49
for you
sara Feb 28
oh what to do?
you are so important
to me
to our friends
to the world

and i hate to see you sad
it breaks my heart
imagining that i could be the one
to make you feel that way

so for now
i’m holding on
for you
for our friends
for the world

because i want to see you
grown up
and i never want you
to worry about me again

and so i’ll stay
for you
for our friends
for the world
but really
for you
Feb 28 · 650
sara Feb 28
i would go blind
just to see you
shine your brightest

you are a brilliant light
but right now
you’re dimmed
you’re covered up
you’re not you

i want you
to become the bright light
that i know you can be
that i know you used to be

and i wish
oh so dearly
to see you at your brightest
even if it blinds me
even if i won’t ever see again

i could be happy
remembering that one glimpse
of you
Feb 26 · 1.3k
sara Feb 26
a beautiful color
a beautiful flower
a beautiful name

light and airy
peaceful and pastel
with a calming aura
and subtle hints of passion
i find lavender to be
a color to rival the rest

long and narrow
with tiny florets
a soothing fragrance
with the ability to heal
i find lavender to be
a flower to rival the rest

a beautiful girl
who i have yet to meet
a child that i will never
come to know
i find lavender to be
a name to rival the rest
sara Feb 26
you are
the best thing
to ever happen
to me

you make me feel
so loved
so important
so worthy

you treat me
so well
and i know
i will never
love anyone
as much as i
love you

the day i met you
really was
the first day of my life

but of course
nothing that perfect
could ever last

i ****** it up
i made a mess
of our beautiful
love story

i'm impulsive
i'm irrational
i'm selfish

and you deserve
so much more
than what i
can give you

i know
i need to stop
hurting you
and so

i love you now
and i will love you

you were
the best thing
to ever happen
to me
Feb 26 · 41
sara Feb 26
skin like porcelain
eyes like glass
i'm fragile you know?

i break so easily
over and over again
and so far
someone's always come along
to put me back together

but i know that soon enough
there won't be anybody
i'll break one too many times
and they'll all leave
for someone stronger

it's not my fault
it's the way i was made
i know that
and yet i don't

i feel ashamed
of my fragility
why can't i just
be strong?
be durable?
be reliable?

i ask myself
these questions
all day and all night
but i've yet to find
a suitable answer

i suppose
that maybe
fragile things
can't always be fixed

i'm broken
and i think
i won't be able
to be put back together again
Feb 26 · 40
sara Feb 26
the word “no”
holds a power that many don’t quite realize

two letters
one syllable
it’s so simple isn’t it?
and yet that tiny little word
could’ve changed everything

i never said “no”
i didn’t want it
but i didn’t say “no”

so that makes it okay, right?
that makes it my fault
that makes it consensual
that makes it legal
at least that’s what everyone tells me

so why does it still haunt me at night?
and plague me with neverending nightmares

it’s been over a year now
since the last incident
but i still feel it in my skin
i try to scrub off the dirt, the shame, the guilt
but it’s very set on staying

and i know that no matter how much it haunts me
they’ve probably forgotten by now
moved on, are living better lives
they’ll never know the suffering i’ve gone through
they’ll have no repercussions

but it’s all okay
because i never said “no”
Feb 26 · 98
a letter to death
sara Feb 26
we've been flirting for a while now
but i've been a bit too scared of anything more
you leave me wanting more
you tease me
give me a taste of you
but nothing permanent
nothing that lasts

i haven't given into your temptation yet
but as every day goes by
i want you more and more

we dance around each other
a complicated tango for two
but never quite close enough for my taste

i want you forever
it's as if nothing else matters to me anymore
all i can think about is you

i think of the ways
that we could get together
i fantasize about it
during class
during practice
during work
no matter what i'm doing
you're always there
at the back of my mind

should i just give in already?
i desire you so desperately
and i know that you want me too
what's holding us back?

ah, i remember now
i worry what others will think
i worry what others will do
i worry what others will say
but i think that it's time for me
to be a bit selfish

we've been at this for a while now
and i think
that it's finally
time for me
to commit
Feb 26 · 83
sara Feb 26
i'm starting to think
that maybe
i'm unfixable

i'm broken
there's no denying that
but everyone's always told me
"don't give up"
"it gets better"

does it really?
i'm starting to doubt their validity
i'm broken
and i don't think
i'll ever be whole again

what does it mean
to be only a shell
of who i used
to be?

do i even
have purpose

i'm starting to think
maybe it's time i give up

give up on myself
give up on my friends
give up on my family
give up on my life

because really
what's the purpose
of being alive
when you can't
feel anything
at all?
Jan 31 · 96
sara Jan 31
you make me feel like i’ve never felt before
i feel special
i feel invincible
i feel strong
but most of all i feel loved
you run your fingers through my hair
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear
you kiss me before you leave and hug me when you come back
with a promise that you’ll always be there

people talk
and they might be right
maybe we’re cliche
maybe we won’t last
maybe we’re going into this way too fast
but maybe
just maybe
they’re wrong

i’ve fallen in love with you
and you’ve fallen in love with me
i don’t know exactly when it happened
or how
but i suppose it was like the coming of dawn
there was darkness
and slowly
ever so slowly
you started to come into my life
you brought colors and light and beauty
you brought me the hope that a new day always seems to bring
with your comforting touches and meaningful gaze
i feel at home

and no, we’re not perfect
far from it actually
but i think that you’re perfect for me
and i for you
you don’t ask me to change
but if i do, i know you’ll love me still

you challenge my mind, make me think in new ways
you don’t do it on purpose
maybe you don’t even realize it
but when i’m with you my eyes are suddenly wide open after a lifetime of being shut

sappy texts in the middle of the night
songs that make us think of each other
secrets that are just between us
sometimes i think maybe i’m crazy for thinking this will last
yet at the same time praying to a god i don’t believe in that it will

these feelings you cause are uncomfortable and new and scary
but at the same time they’re not at all unwelcome
when i’m with you it feels like i’ve just drunk a mug of hot tea on a cold winter day
i can feel it traveling through my body and warming me from the inside out
you make me feel like i don’t need a jacket
(i know you’ll give me yours anyway)

i don’t know a lot of things
but the one thing i know to be my absolute truth
is that i love you
Dec 2018 · 4.6k
happiness pt i
sara Dec 2018
i’m at work. my coworkers, no, my friends are with me. the restaurant is empty and we’re laughing. laughing about who knows what; maybe a crazy customer, maybe one of his hilarious anecdotes, maybe her joke, maybe just because we’re dumb teenagers who’ll laugh at anything. we’re standing and laughing and for the first time in a very long time i feel it. it flows through my body starting from my chest and goes all the way down to my toes and fingertips. it surrounds me, but not in the suffocating way that the sadness does. no, this is different. this feels like a warm hug that i didn’t know i needed until i got it. i feel like my entire being is lighting up and i want to stay in that moment forever. after just a second, the happiness vanishes, but it still leaves traces inside me. i feel hopeful. when’s the last time i felt that? i feel hopeful and i know just from that fleeting burst of happiness that everything’s worth it. i know that i’ll be able to feel that high of emotions again and god, do i want to. and everyone else is still laughing and smiling and i know that things can’t stay this way forever because eventually a car will pull into the parking lot or the manager will come out and tell us to clean but none of that matters. because in that moment, i am happy and i know that i am not unfixable and i know that i can be a normal dumb teenager laughing at normal dumb things. and that’s all that really matters.
Dec 2018 · 129
untitled 2018
sara Dec 2018
time freezes.
i’ve been just barely hanging on for so long now
and it’s as if that final strand has finally snapped.
i’m stuck in the split second between everything being okay and everything not.
i know what i have to do.
and so i bring out my friends.
sharp, silver, small
the ones that are there for me when no one else is
and i tell them my pain, my suffering.
they validate me.
they promise me that they’ll make it all stop.
and that’s all i really want anymore.
Dec 2018 · 358
no one notices
sara Dec 2018
no one notices
it’s a blessing and a curse i suppose
i’m glad that no one’s trying to stop me
but i wish that someone cared enough to try
i wish someone would notice
but that would ruin everything we’ve worked for
i’m wasting away to nothing
and even so
no one notices
this just means i have to try harder, right?
at least, that’s what ana tells me
so we go from 800 to 600 to 400
and we work so hard
but still
no one notices
ana’s all i can think about
and she tells me
“just a little more”
“people will start to care when they need to”
“you’re just not sick enough”
sometimes, in my darkest hours, i voice these thoughts aloud
and even after all of that
no one notices
Dec 2018 · 536
porcelain savior
sara Dec 2018
i sit across from you
as if at a dinner party
but I think we both know that’s exactly the reason that i’m here now
you lure me in
whispering promises and secrets
“it’ll be just between us” you say to me
“after this, you’ll be beautiful”
i believe you
i start to give in, lean forward, close my eyes
stop it.
they’re lies!
tears are streaming down my face
i fall back with a whimper
you’re turning mean now
“you’ll never be pretty if you keep at this”
“you’re not worthy”
i’m shaking i’m sobbing i’m scared
i thought i was the one in control
i thought i had the power
but now you’ve stripped me of that and everything else i once was
i have nothing left now except for you
you, my porcelain savior

— The End —