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sara Mar 2019
i didn’t even know you
we’d never even talked
so why do i still think about you
wherever i walk?

i can't even look at my couch
without remembering you
and the way you were slouched
watching television until two

they say i've been reminding them of you
with my headphones always on
they're worried that i might follow through
and soon be gone

and although i hate to say it,
their worries aren't completely irrational
i'm a little bit of a hypocrite
when i think about how this life is abysmal

i think most people tried to erase the pain
all of the reminders of you
but it'll always be stuck in our brains
the world is different now too

you were here
and then you weren't
you left us with fear
of who would next be caught in the current

all of this runs through my mind
and i think about how i didn't even know you
what about the friends you left behind?
will they ever be able to continue?
sara Mar 2019
i just wanna be skinny
is it too much to ask for?
to become nothing but skin and bones
is my greatest wish

i look in the mirror
and i hate everything that i see
and i think
that maybe if i was skinny
i wouldn’t hate myself nearly as much

sometimes
i wish i could just grab a knife
and carve away all of the fat
piece by piece
until i’m satisfied

oh how i wish
to be able to feel
every single rib
sharp hipbones and collarbones
a tiny arm that i could wrap my hand around

i want people to stare
to look at me and wonder how i did it
how i turned from this disgusting creature
into someone skinny who can do no wrong

i want to be so skinny that people start to worry
they’ll ask me if i’m okay
and i’ll smile and laugh and respond with a gentle “of course!”
to put their mind at ease

and later that night
i’ll lay in bed
smiling to myself
thinking of that comment
until i realize that it’s not enough

i’m not enough
i will never be enough
but maybe i can fool everyone else into thinking that i am
if only i were
skinny
sara Mar 2019
i have a bit of a problem
with saying no to people
it's so hard for me
and most of the time
i just can't bring myself to do it

and so i let people use me
i let them walk all over me
i let them do whatever they want
because i don't really deserve
to say no

i'm not a good person
i've done bad things
i've hurt people
and so this is my repentance
i'll give anyone anything they want

even if it hurts me
even if it tears me to pieces
who cares?
as long as everyone else is happy
i'll let them use me

when i was younger
i read the story of the giving tree
and i wondered how it was possible
for the tree to give everything away
so easily, without question, even though it killed her

as i grew older
i began to understand
i don't want to be selfish
i want for others to be able to thrive
even if it means my own destruction

i don't really think anyone realizes
that i don't particularly want to do
much of what they offer
i'd like to think it's because i'm such a good actress
(although i know it's just because they don't really care)

and so i go along my life
trying to figure out
how to say no
how to hold my own
how to exist for myself and not for others

i've yet to figure it out
and i confess
some days i don't want to
because it's just so much easier
to keep on the way i am

despite this
i continue on my search
for the power to say no
for the power to be liberated
for the power to be me

because i'm realizing
i don't want to end up like the giving tree
sometimes
i want to do things for me
and me only
sara Mar 2019
it's summer. the beginning of july to be exact. my mom and i have finally arrived in north carolina for the highlight of my year: summer camp (or as i lovingly call it: nerd camp). i, for some idiotic reason, am wearing maroon sweatpants, a black tank top, black combat boot heels, and a polka dot blanket. why i'm wearing the blanket in the sweltering heat remains a mystery to me as well. i'm dragging my obnoxious, oversized suitcases behind me as the counselors try their hardest not to stare. i know i've definitely overpacked for only a three week stay, but better safe than sorry right? i see the magnificent front doors and a smile graces my lips. i'm finally here. back where i can fully be myself unapologetically. it's as i start lugging my bags up the pathway when the doors open and out you come. oh, how glad i am to see you. our eyes meet and instantly our slight smiles are turned into blinding grins. i drop my bags, my blanket, forget everything and run towards you as you run towards me. we meet in the middle of the path in a bone crushing hug that can hardly express how much we've missed each other. i know we're causing a scene but i really just can't bring myself to care. after a year apart, we're finally reunited, even if only for a meager three weeks. i fully intend to spend as much time as humanly possible with you over the next twenty one days, no matter how annoyed you may get of me. i know i'm a handful but that's one of the reasons you love me, isn't it? it's hard to believe that we only met a year ago, only a hundred or so feet away from where we stand now. the bond that's formed between us feels like we've known each other a lifetime at least. as we hug and you spin me around and everyone stares, i let out a bubbly laugh. i am happy. i'm filled with pure joy and nothing else. for the first time in so long, i don't think about what can go wrong, how we'll have to leave each other again soon, how recently i'd been feeling like life wasn't worth living. i think only of how happy i am to finally have your arms wrapped around me again and how just being near you makes me feel like everything will be okay. i don't know how you do it but you cause me so much joy that it's all i can feel. in my mind, i make a note. this. this is what pure happiness feels like. and if i'm able to feel it now, i know i'll be able to feel it again. so with that joy comes hope. this is only the second time i've ever felt pure happiness in my life but i know there's more to come. this is only part ii of a neverending series. it may take a while for the pieces to come out at first but i know they'll come easier and easier as i go on. and so i hold on. thinking of happiness pt i. thinking of happiness pt ii. thinking of happiness pt ∞.
sara Mar 2019
je pense
que cette vie n'est pas pour moi
cette décision, ce n'est pas irréfléchi
j'en pense tout le temps
je rêve de la mort
et je l'attends

je voulais qu'il y avoie été un autre choix
mais maintenant
je ne crois pas en ces fantasies naïf
j'ai grandi
et je comprends maintenant
la vie n'est pas pour moi
la vie ne sera jamais pour moi

je ne doute pas
que ce chemin soit le mien

j'espère qu'il y a quelque chose
que je pourrais faire pour ma famille
pour mes amis
pour les gens qui seront un peu tristes
quand tout est fini

mais je sais
que tout que je peux faire
est écrit une lettre bien
qui explique les pensées que
vole dans ma tête

fin
sara Mar 2019
hey siri
you're supposed to have all the answers aren't you?

hey siri
how can i be happy?

hey siri
why is nothing working?

hey siri
would it be better if i just wasn't here anymore?

hey siri
how would i go about doing that?

hey siri
how do i tell my friends i don't want to live anymore?

hey siri
how do i tell the people who gave me life that i no longer want it?

hey siri
how do i tell them i've written a note?

hey siri
how do i make sure there's no room for error?

hey siri
how do i say goodbye?
sara Mar 2019
i'm surrounded
by all of these people
but for the first time
in a very long time
i don't feel alone

these people
they understand me
with just a look
with just a touch
they know my mind

and while i sometimes wish they didn't
it's easy to find comfort in them
these people
who have hurt so much
but have still managed to survive

i see myself
reflected in the eyes
of these people
and i know
that i can live another day
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