She suddenly stopped
laughing and blenched,
twisting her hands
behind her back
caught in the middle
of a rock and that place
of feeling fear and
feeling whirlwinds
of fearing the final destination
of ageing and losing
why should moments change
her past everywhere
her future to be ameliorated

I am so done
Wake up do the same eat the
same sitting in the same train
Over and over
I don't want this don't want these clothes books
phone calls friends who are not
I am hurt alone unhappy and so bored
So done
That's it, yes, done. None of it means
anything anymore
I cannot feel anymore show affection or
understand who all is still the same and you
are doing the same still.
Over and over

Indeed there are solutions
though temporary
and superficial
to the dark wave
the deep soul
kickshaw on dark matters
heaviness where light would be
more appropriate
Triggers, head down, keep
moving though
The trees actually
were never silent
and deepdown she is waiting
something to happen
someone who sees
A solitude her life grey skies
blue sunsets the horizon
shall always be out of reach

Glimmers of light
on the dining table
all set and she is
strong, tall, kind
to him. Moving
like a butterfly
setting the table
using crystal glasses
Not to impress him
it's her job she's just
fit to do. To please
him and to see him
without expecting
anything in return.

In that house with that man
There was a kitchen and a view
There was another moment in time
Say
another version of me
Because the real version came out
in Mexico and Argentina when
learning the language the culture eating
Dulce de leche
Dulce enough to be truly happy
Enough leche to never want to go back home
again
On the airport my heart truly hurts
A wave of black of sad of knowing
the end.

The long driveway up to
the farm has these big trees
bending across | filtering the sunlight
into diffused thick green intensity
only mildly shining through
the hugging branches

it is like diving underneath the
surface of a pond covered by
duckweed | mystery glows in rays

Wear this say that
No not that
Ow just smile
And I do
Because I want
to be 
liked.

a day at the time
but time flies
and lost in moments
of desolate loneliness
not the beautiful aloneness
that makes one want to
listen to sad songs
and just cat-curl in bed
but the one that hurts
that makes the songs
just mordacious
that makes the bed
just empty

To see the rainbow
At the end of the street
It is just a room you know
But near you
We can go for a walk
Change perspective
Hold the world
And each other maybe

A cool evening nightfall at 4pm

Little wind, willowy clouds 
slightly moving
waiting at the window

***** dishes, mugs everywhere
unpaid bills, pressing schedules
burdens concerns

Trapped in the house 
waiting for moments of moon
by the waterfront the docks

Tears like rain from the endless sky
Cracking a crown
An endless tide of constancy

With him and a gala dress at the annual dinner
a glimpse into the traditional university world
outside the middle class she sprouted from
where she knows she will always belong to
no matter what face/title/necklace/gown

She was a sea girl
but
apparently things change
and
She is a river girl
now.

Do put yourself
down, dear
The one thing you're
good at.

From whichever angle
the palace rises
She knows a wonderful way
of hoping for
Face to face with
the people the pleasure
her failure
Veering away from blame,
angst, diffidence,
She knows she's not nice
She hopes for them - read: him -
a maximum possible joy
a maximum radiant days before she -

to do the maths
or tell the tale
Growing up in harbour city
Brown flats greyer clouds
Behind every
my family
Dad x nan for character
Mum for books x music
Freedom to be me
Long legs in the evening sun
Playing with the shades
on the pavement
Looking for the likes
the place to float
the moment to run
be less conscious
thoughtful insecure
Looking at the sun
turn your face towards
to avoid the shade
Blue sea greyer skies
Not to compare
Still and all to love
Steel x ships on a river
My river.

After the rain
the birdsong started
All said and done
The head clear
The mind made up

Bathing in the sun
for New Year's
Happy Lucky Love
and then you really
with her at the bar
Unrealistically courteous
approachable even
So, ran out wouldn't
be the first time
So, bumped my head
neither a first
You didn't look
follow hence pushed me
away for a happy new year

want to laugh a lot
want to eat the whole day
want to have five coffees
want to work part time
want to stop eating all the time
want to cry for a week
want to stop feeling desolate
want to start thinking less
want to live in a warm place for a year
want to live in a bare place for another

Don't really care
for your car
Or the blue sail
on your boat
I just wish for one 
with a nice winter coat
dark navy blue sky
dark grey clouds eyes

Walking backwards in my mind
digging in my heels
and eating pears

my dad the best too
taking the world 
from his shoulders
and laughing loudest

happy freckles day
thanks to mum
a curled up nose
and red hair from a box

Thinking about all the wonderful places
beautiful things treasured in my chest 
knowing I'm so so able to do
what I haven't done before

All things true
aren't lies after all

a seat in the quiet coach
where people always need to tell
where they are
or discuss how long potatoes
need to cook
in a way it falls to me
to point out that we want
quiet
for fellow passengers just seem to sit
and stare or is it me
anyway to intervene because
i've got lots of sentences
stored and packed for the occasion
any way.

Pictures of me when two or
three years old reveal
a little white neck stuck out
and lips pouted into
a kiss to just distract
the photographer who
still couldn't resist
this act of sweetness
from this little girl
who is just so
afraid of a camera

So much for saying
a lot without
so much at all
Except of course
that you're gonna ask
the ex-wife to buy you
a plane ticket
so you can come over
to see me
So much.

I read somewhere
that a lie makes no sense unless
the truth were felt as dangerous.
I once had a best friend
told her family I made her
come with me to Madrid
told me her boyfriend
was still an ex
told him that her family
adored him
Closing her circle.

the discussion on dying and
disappearing languages
anglicisms changing?
Don't we all do lists of literature
reality shows from all over
soaps films songs?
Verbal expressions can be translated
you know
Verbal variety can be interesting
you do know
Why should only one conjugation
variation word or phrase be right
wrong
Never in the world
that that's possible
there would be no form to live
dress eat exercise *** enjoy art
Language rules
Where would Zadie be without Shakespeare
Hockney without swimming pools
Mercury without Montserrat
I don't know

She dresses
heedfully walks
into town the pubs
hesitantly looks
the groups, couples
but hopefully seeks
that one single
male, female doesn't matter
with a book or just staring
listening taking live in
that she doesn't feel alone
whilst ordering seating herself
that she joins from a distance
Like she always does in town

a week comes, goes
at two precisely
the door strikes
no text message or call
just arrives and knocks
she smiles at the daffs
music to see him
she gives him a kiss
surprises herself

Hair up
Dive in
Professional fitting
room conduct

shells in my left pocket
train ticket in my right
it takes a lot of
travelling to feel part of
the world again

the only thing I want
is to swim in the sea
she said ardently
rain shine
cool or cold
with a wetsuit though
she says apologetically
her skin so soft
wet hair in a woollen band
and her husband looks
at her proudly bringing her coat
We get restless - it's the village
you know, but we travel
and I need one trip on my own
she adds but looks at him
heartily he says
I like to be just at home

One day less
Better late than never
Deadly ill all stressed out
but work distracts
keeps on track
apparently
Work work work
When in Buenos Aires and Madrid
the real questions were:
are you married?
how many kids?
Here it is:
what's your job about?
Taking distance
Taking care of cats dogs now
With my two titles my mum
adds bitterly funny
Friends don't follow no work
keeps you out of loops
apparently.

Mistreating and cheating
and when after two years
she asks him to come and
collect his stuff
he goes all glum and blue
for having her ending
their last straw.

A road trip to the Keys
A surf course in Cantabria
A small countryside village
A cosy big city pub
And it never happened
It is so not true
in so many ways
whatever happens in films.

Maybe it is not my
insecurity
as it is
just plain intolerance.

to use ****** cream
on your legs.
to tell your friend
you cannot wear hers
for it is not fashionable.
to own that many drawers
that only new undergarments fit.
to discuss the world
over a beautiful dinner.
That's me.

We are in very dangerous territory
they say when compromising on
Brexit and possible -who knows-
other exits deals they call it
compromising our lives, the price
of food and transport
the safety of refugees and people
on streets. The hunger, the heartbreak,
the fear to make decisions.

The wind howls, the sun burns
and the red dirt whirls around
us to a city girl it cannot
come to be more romantic
to a beach girl more bluer
to a deserted girl more remote
A broken heart mended
A searching soul soothed
The dogs look at me faithfully
knowing their walk
So I leave my book
Amble for the rocks and the moon.

As easy as
difficult can be.

I don't know what he thought
or wanted to accomplish
coming over to my shop
and bringing over my mail
of course
to enlighten me on her hair
to elaborate on her curves
some ****** nerve
you have to go against my wishes
to bother me at work
to hurt me all over and
again.

Saturday's march to the library
Family in cosy circle on Sunday
Tea black with milk and sugar
Telly channels in apple-pie order
Parties in cosy circles, thick smoke, glass tables
The neighbours your uncle and auntie
the kids put to bed in another bed
Dad with a pint (or two) to drive us all back
Our sofa a coffee brown corduroy
my record player orange and only ABBA
Didn't get the dark gloomy part these days
An oyster for a world
Life plane sailing from then onwards

Wake up in the morning
Tired like the night before
Sad like the week before
Anxious like the whole month
There's shame and sadness and decline
And there's a relief that it's almost
done.

with an energy only
others believe in
still can see
she cannot anymore
like before at certain highlights in
life is losing ground
at the foot of the mountain
the rain in your face is
welcoming drowning

Two recollections and one thought
Coming up and making sense
One: i'm little at the window
knowing there's something out there
engaging hopeful tempting valuable
it sings out from the clouds
but i cannot yet hear it
Two: i'm 24 work is done weekend
starts and i'm alone truly at this age
there's an antique market and the groceries
but i cannot but think
One: is this my life?

i'm in raptures
a sort of an unexpected mini holiday
you've called in sick
and we're cruising the city
early drinks late lunch
looking at the river the high-rises people
tucked away
in offices and raincoats
we're high and dry and unreachable
together

when growing up what you wanna be
when grown up who you want to see
perform before...well, you know.

My uncle used to joke
about what I'd like for tea
fried or roasted mosquito's hearts
That and the Dali poster
The horses with the long legs
The frights of a little one
A sweet girl.

With this music
I put on my mood
and never change a tune.

Life has been cleft into
our life before and my life after
his death.

He said: "You drive like a bloke"
I said: "Thanks".
To boot: "Should this supposed to be
a compliment? At what point did I turn
and stayed in the 50s?

I have never actually longed for a nice wedding
(although I've seen a beautiful black-and-white striped silk skirt once that...)
I have never actually cared for starting a family
(although I've read some wonderful children's books by now that...)
And there you are then, almost 50 which is supposedly the moment to look back on life
Which is supposedly the moment you celebrate with your husband and children
Which is supposedly the moment your career is uphill and your friends admire you
for it.
None of that. Really none.
Do I miss it? No, I do.
Do I miss out on something? Yes, I don't.