Going into the furniture shop
you turn left to the glass table section
I turn right to the blue velvet chairs
we meet in the middle
nice wooden bench, grey sofa
Works well for years
Adding discs and dvd's
we both like still
playing The Mac when
you're not there
and precisely that way of timing
music before 6 pm shows
who watches over whom
who wants to add a coffee table
Freedom with fear
Enough to love but not
so much so let her go.

All of a sudden she turns
why you're looking at my legs
all the time?
I didn't know what to say
Everyone looking
Stealthy laughs and
silence and the real reason
was just so lame.
I was just wondering
How can anyone drink
so much orange juice
all the time
and stay so skinny and free?

To be able to travel
to stay curious
and not escape
life
but for
life
curiousness
and not escape
me.

I didn't go. And then a few months
later I did
Left a mark or maybe rather a cloud
because I took my books and left you
the table | the cookware | the roof
Disquiet became quiet
Not at first, at first I was all over the city
later it did
A becalmedness in a scene where the wind
still blows | where a snake still in my head
but it seems better to think
about things rather maybe
When in a total remoteness
With a window to the world

Always wanted to be nice
to be bright, nifty too
To write a thesis on bilingualism
To invite friends, cook richly

Always wanted to be on time
openminded, sunny too
To write a full-hearted poem
To clean the house, properly

Always clothes to match
to be on time, patient too
To easy come easy go
To find myself, fully unfeeling

Now
Bring me home.

Took me ten years to disinter
the coasts are clear
this town is mine
Dogs are more endearing
trees abide along the beach
Not knowing the knowledge
to encounter safety when
it's in front of me
A note inside
Innocence is short-term yet
no single river should run
away from the sea

holiday hikes, jungle beds
playing princess when
with him
knowing that, loathing that
doing it - move for his heed?! -
over the rocks he feeds her
biscuits and beer
foraging they said
sugarily
he did once and
she did acquiesce
when the ocean was
in sight he stripped
his clothes of
dove in - without one keek?! -
she felt a child left out
here and now, she and the rocks
won't fall down
won't princess
since the ocean is hers
as the waves to take

The soundness that fell
when she let go
one that was so intrinsic
yet so uninvisible
for taken for granted
I cannot do it alone
she thought
for you were my backing
she told.

Like travelling is not escaping
a city shepherds the way
how could I be so mistaken
to think the boy
was the sanctity only
my father can give
she trusted.

the small print that draws you in
takes you with to the clouds
the moon
wherever necessary to the dream
in and out my 170 pages
in and out your hometown
in and out a forest
the sea
the moves you made
alive on paper
alive in life
all words and feelings
fill in the missing
turn right the wrong
voices sounds smells
a touch the sun
move and growing
alive and dreaming

Growing up in a world of words
With my nan's post-war silence
my mum's Beatles' romances
and my aunt's miniskirt tales
With my boyfriend's Tolkien bias
my best friend's diving travels
and my cousin's zeal for cars
All imparted to my being
All present in the blossoming
of this girl in this world

Listening to this singer singing
about a rubber band for the soul
I wish I would have thought of
that, word-wise and soul-wise
Do they really make those? I'm so
irresistibly attracted to soreness to
happiness with heartbreak with
no brakes but I do have a ribbon
though suffice to keep my
curls from messing up

When I was young I used to
harbour the sky looking for
the clouds with promises
drifting out like my heart
and legs wanted to
like my head and feet
started to do

and the sky turned blue

Laterness on a swing bridge
near our new house looking up
the clouds have stranded
rocks in the sky
stuck against my heart
and legs while my head
starts to hold

in a different direction

writing each other letters
like in the Brontë days
Romantic souls know
their ways and words
writing each other chapters
Too soon maturing
unto paragraphs or
solely wordings so
Out of the window where
paper becomes powder where
wind storms his thoughts apart

standing in the shower until
the water turns cold
my tears stop mingling
my stomach stops aching
the heart turns polar

I like to sit on a terrace
sipping the afternoon away
listening to others' heart-to-heart
Maybe sit in|maybe not.

Chats range from tube rides
to the colour of our Thames
to their dog not eating well
To views on life we must have.

Sun fades and all still nice
my books help me focus
turning life into questions
Questions take on words.

Outside in the green sea
Alone among people
Now is then later
Later is now then.

I cannot decide.

Never serious arguments
Never big lovely gestures either
We just don't do those,
do we?
We just say "I know"
and not "I love love love you",
do we?
She wonders sometimes
if this reflects their connection or their
Calvinism or their sense to
silently compete whether there
is this connection or
whether together reflects actually
a distance inevitable or natural
To survive together
Don't get her wrong, they
love love love each other
on every occasionally

Or that he comes over
after two weeks
of civilised silence
to talk about their house - their
Pretty decent and nice
whilst running out
with their dog - their
a man of straw
as she did not splinter

His warm smile
His warm hands
His eloquence
and wit - shameless

His fun for life
His will to live
His choice to
no longer suffer - too long

Untimeliness leaves us with

A beer at 11,
a library card,
a face to the sun.

A lunch in Antwerp,
and Christmas abroad -
away from fuss

Dear dad, you gave it all
away you go.

A shawl wrapped around
not necessarily beauty or fashion
but more as way of protection
an umbrella when no rain
a coat when no cold
The safest accessory when no one
around.

the waiting room of my psychiatrist
where I need to be because
he enables me to see reality
to master the day-today
to hold back on the tickets.
We laugh a lot and always run late though.
The flowers do calm me down
the weekly cup of tea nice and strong
and the magazines show me the best
destinations anywhere in the world
but therapy world
anywhere the flowers grow
but this crystal vase.

The sky overcast
it nights invisibly
Misfortune outdoors
Melancholy indoors
Too lazy to do
Too eager to don't
Non-aligned like always
Best reachable solution
only a remote control away

Some necessary meds in the morning
call for
more necessary drinks in the afternoon
Balancing my life
because
I'm shaking anyway

I still find you even before
we really realise each other
His lean figure jigging down the bridge
in our former harbour city
With my friends on a boat for drinks
they sense him after my stillness
loss of composure and
successful office smile
They sense him changing body
and words easy but vain
the right moment to do so
sticks and stones remember
You pass unnoticed in the mob
I return to the warmth of mine
We will never get rid of each other
But reality ever on the lookout

The good thing about not
keeping track of the days
anymore is that I don't feel
obliged to dance on a Friday
lonely on a Sunday
and that I can do my
laundry anytime I want to.

Isn't it ever so funny
how he got
profoundly disorientated
for the entangled streets of Mexico
Parking him on the Plaza Mayor
while off on my own for a decent hotel
While I would lose way
for the neat streets
and straight squares of Berlin
While showing this all as a fun fact
while knowing this all a metaphor
My heart always yours
My road so never more

so extremely tired
dressing up exhausts me
******* for bed again
the effort of cooking too much
but I never liked food for one anyway
cannot bring myself to do anything
else than drink and watch shows
in abundance
like i like it
like we used to

I liked life a lot
better when it held
more promises
places where you feel
appreciated
At least the leaves breeze
the wind sounds like the sea
I can still fleet anywise
never naturally happy
with silence and belonging

travel light
light on your feet
feet following steps
steps down the river
a river that knows
knows how to move
to move and go
go travel

texting your from Prague
my thoughts some pictures
and all, you
been there - years ago
Lost my cloud
needing you in Prague
my desire some doubts
and all, you
breakfast with beer
breakfast in tears

She puts the needle back on the record
Pours herself another bitter *****-lemon
Some routines for pleasure and
some rituals just punishment
she knows
to make things beautiful for herself
a day-to-day encounter indeed
The sky as limitless vastness and
the half-silvered mirror as certain truth
He shows her love while condemnation
She knows 
Some performances rewarding and
some pacts still life.

Old love on the street
Coffee to *****
Small hints, decent stabs
Still this surging fire
Indifference on the surface
a warning underneath
of true impossibility
of an awful lack of faithfulness
where falseness lies but still
smiling, knowing where this
is leading to
that street hides no coincidence
neither this quiet cafe, the hotel
all ways and again
it is his chest
tearing to his shirt
again and always

it seems she's especially capable
of building relationships
staying in friendships
or acquaintanceships, as you wish
when it's long distance
meeting up once a year
and merely just speaking
over the phone or via Face
it shapes her anyway
and creates a safe distant closeness
or a very close distance, as you like

He never apologised
when they were together
Then did once when he accused
me for being - well never mind
Maybe he actually did want to do so
But he was afraid - ashamed
Maybe he just did want to pretend
Like many of his friends
Like all of his family
who hide and don't see matters
Like it would be better to not admit
you yourself got anything to do, so
All what's wrong is not yours
And it is true of course
All that feels as guilt is
a lot for a human to bear

She sits on the window sill
legs bungling outside
ivy rustling in the breeze

A look at the river
A look at the vastness
she lights up and breathes out

He should just shut up
about last Saturday
about his aversions

He knows she fears too
He saw her temper
her tears like pearls

No sound though softly
without leaving a mark
No red eyes no shame

Descend into the wavelets
Descend into the song
away from him as
they both know and unsettle

He wanted to build his dream
with her and she did too
His ideas her endeavour
His voice her wishes
And in the moment of warmth
and companionship and love
Her face towards his light
Her body in his arms
His world at her feet
She only knew she was going to
crush pulverise destroy
violently and very effortlessly.

The city flickers in the valley
while they sit on the hill 
where the Akrópolis
He sees the lights in her hair 
finds her really truly
captivated from that moment
onwards connected
She sees him in a different light
lays her tears in his hands
Too much beauty
fears too salty
She spills wine on her dress
He takes her back to the hotel
It is all alright and
It will be for a very long time.

I feel so close to him
See our sameness
Our madness
Yet I want to run
from responsibilities
and caresses
from guilt
and ordinary gardens
I want what is possible within
the impossible, want to feel
safe within the danger of
understanding me and loving him.

The moment she will free herself
from time and body
No longer feeling exposed
while naked on the bed
No longer feeling the clock
and worrying about dinner
She'll stop running
She'll start having a heart
She'll get what she wants.

and she's not ready to leave
yet although she knows
she has known for a while now
That he is her true love
Still her true destroyer
she just cannot let go
it is no masochism of any kind
it is just balancing out the pain
with the effort with freedom
with feeling lost
and finding joy again.

She makes 'em up as she goes
Watching from her window
See the old lady and smile
to her sad eyes
She always smiles back, you know
it's her only contact that day.
The neighbours on the other end have
their boxes packed and moved but not all
Yeah it's tough indeed to separate.
An open suitcase left next to our building
Mens clothes all over and
MacBook cables thrown aside
I think robbery The cleaner thinks
a Latin lady threw her man out.
A good day it was. I'm fine, thank you.

This one hangs loose colours of flaking paint
the floor has trees growing through
Still full of character - Why have they
abandoned her? So crowded around
those new doors in
this newly built towns
Impeccable versus decayable
Stable versus chaos
Live means laundry on the line
Lawns neatly trimmed Spotless
furniture in line no dust
Versus death rooms deserted gardens
Clouds of dust floating
into another dimension.
Tea time - coffee to go.

Many changes she's made
But the change of life
Powerless to complete
Fear of losing rule of life
Vulnerable while over-conscience
The wrong autograph brings confusion
The wrong side of the street disorder
A vertigo brings her to the minibar

A tension she cannot explain
Neither the way of non-commitment
She cannot sleep that long or deep,
she cannot be careless about her presence or
her friends', she cannot choose the movie or a seat
A need to pretend and run
While all the time she knows she wants protection
Which all the time she thinks she'll find in the flight.

She sees him immediately
She always does
He does too by the way
They're still connected
For ever
And anyway
She grabs her phone
She pretends
He hates her for that
For ever
And always

Along the Maas and
down the Binnenweg
to the pub to not meet
our used-to-be
friends cos this was
a long time ago
When I still loved you
Yet I still do love you
Nevertheless I still love you
Hence me following your tracks
our walks and all daily routines
from coffee as breakfast
to playing music all day long
The most insensitive thing to
do to myself but hey,
I've never been that good to
me anyway, have I.
Like you in a way.

Remember going to
the pool and your hair
all damp and the smell
of the water?
Some things still unclear
cos the swimming teacher
made me do backstrokes
Don't like that
I'm perfectly fine
a butterfly in waves

As long as I stop thinking,
Nature stays with me and
Future stays away.

The leaves whisper
an ocean in my ears
The drops dripping
rhythm in my vessels
The damp soil leaves
a fresh scent in my toes
These salty tears
an impossible future 
in my opinion.

To look at these two together
at the beer garden
table. She's dressed up, he in shorts,
the disappointment. She says I don't think
I'm going to eat. He orders pizza. She looks away.

May I wish myself
all the happiness in the world
all that's truly valuable
Treasures as such
Beaches and trees
Mountains and forgiveness
and good coffee
exceptionally good coffee

She just cannot start something
and then continue
and / or finish it
A compulsion to look for newer
better faster more-r louder
All reflexes properly apple-pie
A good mood goes a long way
An allergy to keeping
All and ego interfering
desires versus capacities
very disappointing all in all
Others thought she was intelligent
The image others shape, right?
She found it in fact a short sense
of willing ambition drive...
So she started to exist for the others
and played along the intelligent line
wondering whether to feel shame / guilt
and then deciding on neither
on nothing
The trees were indeed never silent
Her energy was indeed an actual gift

Reading relevant literature
Watching film house films
AKA the accepted stuff
Not middle-of-road
Of course not
Giving you a certain mastery
Able to get ahead in life
Also because of her
following the actresses' moves
Gestures so delicate she almost believes
She is her
Leading the life
Even if that means forgetting
she is so
pretty her own legend
so smart
in her own universe
But fame and fortune might be more
interesting to display instead of
your own star your own histories
in that same universe

Even so

Putting on a lot of make up
Putting on a lot of layers
Going out does not always
brings out the best
Sitting top deck and heading into
town alone and
wondering if he would see her
and not just all she'd put on as a
gathering of all
she read memorised studied copied
considering her universe.