I wanted to write you
a letter and now and here
I am
in a hotel room I
suddenly
feel the freedom
have escaped again
you know my score
So
I wanted to write you
to say that
after all and still and here
I love you, my one
I'm sorry, we were
so
mad unable
to stop that
the better version of me
got a hold for
stronger or worse
yet feel all this time
to
leave your anger, my calls
allow the sun, our laughs
Rather than to forgive
I wanted to write you
How to never forget
the sounds we shared

Love, always,
your one

and there we were
the most precious place
crystalline blue waves
just so uplifting that you

quite closed out
all clothes off
dove in 

a low move
a mean road
to me

incompatible egos
sedulously obtained
at least you perfectly
go figure

about time
love means you
as a stranger

so I ended up
saying wait and see
to myself not you

Intuition going anticlockwise
quiet into warped existence
until well turned blue
to me

It seems so many things
have turned fifty this year
Woodstock, me, Abbey Road too
On my road trip I met
a beautiful guy who stayed
to see Janis and Jimi
best concert ever, he said
best life to compose yourself,
he knew and this is just
the people I want to
know, talk, live with too
the people I want in
my world and my memories
back to concerts with friends
to my parent's place and
my nan's radio mornings with
creamy strawberries; books, plays too
in mind and in reach
Back home is where I
belong to be.

I guess it's not about
tempting faith or not
testing fate I guess
it's more
me testing me
how far to go
figuratively - literally
I don't know
buying tickets on a high
thinking intimidation on a blue
or even confusion maybe
retrospectively
Still and all setting off
literally - figuratively
merely
assuring that answers and lucky
are nothing more than that

because the leaves
they rustle turn a light
wind, stroking the season
still warm enough
to dive in unripple
this brightness the calmth

a happiness
polished by so much beauty
trees surrounding the lake
circles lost in this
dialogue of sounds and colours
how many identifiers are
there to believe?
crickets are laughing, a prey bird
sleuths the satiness

a happiness
so unworldly
a gratefulness
so unearthly

that I just dive in bring  
me down back to
the lights ways to
wish on a star

Through the kitchen window to where the
lake ends and the trees touch her
lustrous sides, a rippleless motion
in the reeds waving at all the colours -
at me -
and the pines' crowns simply
add a powdery green to where
the water starts a black-blue dark
leaving such velvety shine -
to me.

she didn.t read that
much into the fact
that she.d given up
because of the better
idea not to scarper and
to feel not to cry
all she wanted was some
body to nestle next to
with sun under the clouds
how touching to know
he was there all these years
offering me more while I
was still settling for days
more than I expected
in the end is she; are we
comfortable with the world and
survivors in our happenstance

as we are.

Does depend on the day
but the mention of his name
jolts her into a restless
alarmingish warmth
armour amour as such
Touching to note that
somehow every time - yes
so often she looks for him
on social sites or streets
where he is pictured
at a conference a corner
sauntering in that suit
Deadlocked in memories
hypnotised by appearance
between shore and ship
indeed, just like the shipping
forecast a warning predicts
the storm yet cannot foresee
the monotonous rhythm of
Hearts melting still breaking

she easily feels
trapped quickly
after a while
in the same house
streets shops parks
at the same time
swarmed pubs parks
make her feel
isolatedly closed-in
as she was young
the vanity filled with girls
with hairspray, lipstick
she just stood there
half part of a world
outside her books
disconnecting back to today
when television resembles
confusing thoughts
haunt for decisions
nervousness relieves
as travelling antes up
yet seeming the only
solution contrary to wishes
of closeness to the
same people if you
think back a long time
when comfortable with the world.

A fascinating smile,
he starts
Reaching out while 
she reaches back glad for
an opportunity to
attention which love as well
Sun flares up
while the red leaves fall 
last Summery days
The park people have gone 
weary not him
not her
he talks to
her dog to start somewhere
building starts to
grow leading to what she
inside well knows
the wind sounds so nice
she's afraid
not in front of crowds 
but a he
so close is too near
not knowing what
happens when they'll do
what he wants
how she wants it too
He lets her
alights on eyes for now

Returning home after
a holiday and the house
smells of absence
smells of rain

Books stuck on their
shelves and my mugs
still hanging around
souvenirs of life

The carpet got a soft
lonely bounce. Sorry, I
read that somewhere
too nice to not use

Altogether where I left all
when I left and it feels I'll
never leave again
not straightening a shelf

The sun still on
my shoulder though - it's
more comforting to

pack up here
than on my way
to somewhere
past continuous

I only hope you don't think
I'm girlish or too new
romantic or overly present
or frightfully temperamentful

So I just beware a distance
as from friends as spirits
arising in an own world
without the time anymore

I only just wanted some
one kind and compassionate
and listening without consoling
and frightfully close

I find it difficult too

Why not to write
a poem a day
while the sun still out
blueing grey clouds
hunting the shine
Me into better
Insanely happy
for the artistry
of travelling entering
dreaming walking
New hights make
cogent depths
New orders mould
comfortness
The storm rumbles
And cannot thunder
by any anymore
And welds with
the sky solely

You will for always
swim out there
in the back
of my vivacity
Come to think
you are the life I had
Have now a life
I'll never known
The one we kept
in our thirties
was too free
for your olderies
What's new is old -
what's always anyway
New was your friends
telling you
I'm not your one
too independent
too travelling, you said
Old is you buying
your friends
I'm not that one
too generous
too pleasing, I'd say
What I mean is,
I trusted you and
shouted too,
I mean you
didn't want to
see me so simply
respect me
Your sense of to higher be
Left out often turns  
into turning around
A stormy sun
Insanely pretty
Come to think
you were the life I had
Have the biggest love
for you always
Here's an any way for you
Did you ever love me?
Was it all worth to you?
She got him into three rooms
one kid good job life
Hair more curly yet
You have asked about me
Cannot meet me in the street
Come to think,
I'd say yes
You'll never forget me
neither, my face lighting up
before, I see you and she -
they will make us love
always anyways.

Maybe just maybe
It was not him the boy you
just fell in love with you
just started living with you
just wanted to be the one
I reckon he was rebound
instead of the very soul
not counting the amount
of time to be longer you
thought but this new one
the one you
don't dare to name
by his own name you
keep on referring to as
just a friend at the office
just someone I share my bed
just a poetry workshop and
Sure. And it's
alright clouds burst 
a spring in your step
not just a dress 
And you're all right.

A safety fallen away
just when I turned 27
One so intrinsic - sometimes 
even without me kenning it
growing up in a funny family
full of people
close at a distance
The things I cannot do alone
unapparently while I am so
sweet with arms folded
even maybe wish to be
Travelling to fight not flight 
intuition a funny concept
because I do know I do 
feel
The city affords an input
you yourself cannot again
looking for it while living with 
so
that I can be mistaken 
wrong turns are human
in that one person
or more for the distance
in that closed circle is -
by whom actually?
Hold maintain 
Choose see explain
Value treasures take
A serious airiness airy solemnity
Choose was it - again?
I got ill
just when I turned 17
Complicated in words and body
Keep peace emotions 
outside sun
My sense of water is
the max unclouded 
intuition I own

you remember you were in love
once

dreaming distant hazy state
a scent of home yet not being
able to eat a thing

twice
it was like that

completely absorbing tangly state
sharing a home yet not being
able to fully devote

but the memory feels nice
the love was real and
still
is why the songs are for you
the flowers and peaceful breathing
too

a mind blown tunnel vision
a curl up on the couch

thrice
will.

with the Deborah Harry face
with tiger heels and a bright coat
who's born in the city
who's leaving her diet
that loves to dance in her room
that digs to read in a park
Bless all girls, bless all
I turned into a positive day
Nicer to look that way
Start counting...

You always say
Ow well and I
appreciate that
But you know what?
Such a coping skill
I'm just intrigued
also a bit sad, I guess
The phones, the fastness,
a vastness, non-communication
and commuting, I guess
I think of you yet do you think 
back at me? It was on
the radio they said to leave
politics to politicians
The world is unjust, amidst
rumours and facts, and
will always be so try
do the little things
as little as possible
for the bigger corporations
with a carbon footprint
I guess I just discovered
I very wish for love
connection, a kiss and
you showing me
the blue flowers
the grey water
Indeed not that much
to ask, she said

Look at yourself she abhors
the mirror as big as she is
not hiding truth like she does,
her friends do, her mother does
about weight and skin and age
Women issues in the way, again
just look at myself she ponders
it itches and stinks and makes
my face go red, my pores and legs
not tighter as assured, as seen
in the advert with ladies her age
told by mum that I'd be grateful at 60
The cream on her legs makes 'em look
more crumpled while all seems tired
belly and ******* under gravity
yet she keeps on applying, better
believe than sorry, better shield
then it'll work in the end, after
all her mother told her so

While walking, I feel a sudden pace
know the words before they come
up, all because of street signs,
parks and tumbling thoughts.
Of thinking of you. My pace
skips a beat, my words stop.
The sun shines and I hold you dear.
The rain pours and I hold you, dear.
You are in my house and I want
you there. You remedy my world
and we cook a meal and talk.
You take me to the river
and back. I have fallen.

gone West  
went South
East street
Northern line

conscious about subconscious
moves and twists she hated 

to lie but there it was

the life getting the hold
the songs where the tears
a boy where no love
a kid where no desire
no fear while a mortgage
no shame while a contract

so there it is then

the little voice holds no music
the life keeps her promises

conscious catches subconscious

for their 10th anniversary she
bought him a new tv set
for her 50th birthday he
a new car - wrong colour
for Christmas a ski trip
for Summer a new kitchen
everything purchased
with best wishes
for the perfect memory
for a perfectly happy day

I'm so hungry...so I'm drinking coffee
I'm dreaming of California...so I'm flying to NYC
I'm so into him...so will avoid all texts and terraces

Wanting to stay yet not willing to go,
thus staying when needing to scoot

Inescapably too many questions and ideas
Irreversibly too many given facts of lives

When there's a queue one has
to wait, feel free to fill in the rest
brains and minds solved

A sultry summer night in August.
Crickets trill and the blue pool
water calms down. The hills smell
of Oleander and she lies there.
Her bikini inviting, a vermouth
with no ice. Tempting lifetime in
California. I need help, she says.

Try to get to where
I am, he says, not a lot
better but at least you try.
And drifts off. About time to
get your act together
not ask more questions
invite, so she sleeps soundly.

And cannot remember
her dreams, the rain.
What matters is not a lot
more than no ice
than to look outside
where hills, wealth,
blue in August.

On Spring street where one
sees the dunes
from the kitchen windows  
her first place in a long time
small, old, life stories
with new bathroom fittings
took time to prettify
yellow wardrobe, blue settee
and she remembers sitting
on the Berber rug looking
around, thinking
renting out is nice.

|Translation and adaptation of Reisopdracht by Riekus Waskowsky|

Because when you go…

rain, an impending rain,
a storm gusts the clouds
across the land, the sand
down the roads

protect your eyes

frightened birds sail
over the sea
the sky is quickly
falling black

...recite slowly and aloud:
I love the rain
the storm and clouds
I am not afraid.

Post-Summer, still sunny
There's too many humans here, 
he said
entering the pub, drunk withal
loudly talking about his kids 
and whatnot
quite that many humans on his own
The girl next seems unfussed, 
continues with
laptop and Guinness. Me, I
just popped in for a little
wine actually 
or rather to use the lav 
making the most of it as one does
trying to calm my mind as
I do
The food looks so lovely but
I don't allow me a little pick-me-
up I
wonder about the outsides,
forget about my new Didion,
always easily
distracted, by his cologne
and more and more plates, 
smells lovely
To be able enjoy the moment
the paper feels beautiful 
and I 
really tried on too many clothes 
today yet the sea helped 
a lot 
Tempted to couch and binge never-endingly
first one needs to get going 
alright yah
Tempted for another glass still 
first one needs to keep

the head from spinning
the fridge from empty
the shopping from a 
yellow sticker hunt

The world's full of useless 
purposeful days, come to think
of it.

how weird he said
you don't eat
anything outside the menu
anything from the Chinese super
nor an odd porky pub meal
yet
while away he said
you eat
anything off the street
anything from a cage at sea
or an odd shrimp ceviche
weird one he said
I love you he said

she doesn't really stand out
although she does but then
to a selected crowd anyway
shyness for arrogance
longleggedness for presence
closeness for alliance
a need with a wish
a park on her own
a saturday at sea
waves break for her eyes
only leave every
selection behind

She
Dives in
Rough waves and
He
Not even a
Look up
She
Though independent
Always precious when
He
Looks after
And up
Once in a moon

From strong coffee 
to milky tea
From tea bags with strings
to spooning those without
From a bike on the right
to commuting on the left
From mayonnaise to ketchup
From rain boots to wellies
From 4 seasons in 1 day
to same summers all the same 
From 16 o'clock to 3 pm
to same differences
on isles & islands

Out of blue
he starts talking
the first time
his father after 30 years

Starts showing me
the worn picture
shiny satin, wide sleeves,
blue 70s shirt, broad smile

Like his boy with
his golden tooth
skinny and young and
imagine he never asked

for him nor the lad
for his dad while an old bloke
starts shouting through his phone
the same time the end of the park

It's just a Saturday and this happens
when with dog, who seems
undisturbed while boy and I
act emotional sharing
with strange eyes

On the way home I take a
picture of a boy with the elephant.
Trees keep on
whispering, the rain starts
dog is happy back home.

All has been invented before
but love - when we're out on the terrace
without the sun but anyway
cos it's a Wednesday and
we just want to get hammered
cos it's a Wednesday and
I just want to look
in your eyes to find the verve
regardless of being at work,
going to work, let's never work
again
it's the kick of a drink (or two)
the kick of your sparkle (or two)
You look away
I weigh you
cos I do not like it (when)
You say I'm too zappy
been told that by the other him
Start jumping to tease you
Start talking to kindle you
I do not like myself like that yet
I do like it less you're provoking
me ignoring me while your eyes
not distant but observant, inviting
me to say more to crawl next to -
Huh
I'll manage, I'll wait
and get you home regardless

I really thoroughly enjoyed
our time, our together,
your being around,
your helping me out
I really thoroughly did
and do, still
I need to run and go on
an adventure which should be
my own, without your time,
your being there,
your helping me out
I'll be leaving my past,
your yours, while
justifying my moves to
leave this love and all
I'm terrified though
tears trickle down
my face into your pretty hair
They dry and leave
leaving a trace. I hold you
tighter yet feel the relief
of leaving, accepting
this love and all
has to end, in the end
I'll be back for one week
only so we can really thoroughly
cloud and end and
the tears, the pretty hair
hit me at once. They dry and
leave, leaving no trace.

When I was little I only watched Pippi plus
a series with a wizard and his daughter
who was able to make time stop by
simply clapping her hands, saying now
I do this and time stands still. Don't
you just love the idea of being able
to be in a shop and try sweets
to be in a queue and just skip
to play your favourite song forever
to wear your dearest dress every day
To kiss you over and over and
over again.

Burning my daylight
on being social
Getting drunk only occasionally
now and a smoke on the side
Not figuring my things out
Not starring in admin or taxes
But it isn't true I am letting life
passing by I think
grabbing the same amount of
opportunities as the threats
passing by I say
So in the end I'm fine doing
my funky job, my walks with
the dog, my looking for friends
Not loving it but it keeps me
on the street and I am happy
slipping by I imagine

When you ask to many questions
you're odd and difficult
and difficult is different from
the rest of the class so you better

start drawing or do maths
Since that's what
your report tells you to be.

So do what you want to be
though it may take a bit
Class forms the kids
but the kids found class

While you're drifting
off like the weather
with the weather
It is good to know
How the wind and rain sweep
you off your feet
romantically and rancorously
How life's intent to sweep
your rain and shine
regardlessly

Of all the things I could have
but I haven't
said
moored

taken for granted
soul
moves

Vying in any way

I was just caught up
in that racing mind
of mine

I was just caught up
in that double standard
of yours

Civilised in any way

An excellent double role
which didn't seem
entirely adequate

to me. In the end.

Silent and colder.

Too addictive and you know
it's wrong cos resting is right
yet to continue seems better
to just drink, talk, be in the company

Too nice and you know
it's tentative cos working is right
but to create feels better
to just film, sing, be in the mood

It probably leads to nothing
nor nowhere
but what does in life
anyway

It probably leads to enjoyment
or wastement
but why not in life
waist time.

Why's there a sparkle in your eyes?

She has the capacity to fully
enjoy and engage
to go to work hangovered
sniff and stay with it.
She has the capacity to fully
admit and appreciate
the match he is
sup and stay with him.

She knows it's all
temporary, him in her house
her with her contract,

a bike ride along the river,
an old car still steering
She knows it's all

about being inventive
a bright philosophy
She knows it all

Sitting next to him
feet on the dashboard
watching him concentrate
While she goes along to Stevie's
rooms on fire 
He doesn't like the lyrics
or her singing
Remember the hammock
that was Fleetwood Mac but
still he yelled at her
He did that more often
than she wished for
How many times can you forgive
and think it was his father
crawling in or the family situation
in the car to Paris already shouting
While she grew up in a car 
full of happiness off to Spain
further down far more smiles

She tries to capture
the world in words
to make sense of images
wavering, of queues shifting,
of lyrics sounding

and starts playing by heart
as she goes

Does it make sense she
is still so obsessed by
his love and her bitter
her light and his hate
which makes it all so

unwordable

'cause with the others none of that
'cause with them so unsubdued  

as she went

Who am I to keep you
away from her
The gifts mean nothing -
the trips for business -
Well it's only platonic

mmm-hmm...

Pain but I can't unfold
distrust but I play delighted
To look in the eye and -
high-stake it all is but -
Something I can't overlook

non-unapologetic...

She was patient, waited
a lot and a long time for
him to move to her city for
him to find a job that suits for
him to learn the language or
maybe even study and turn the
world around. This sounds all
very practical, there was love
involved indeed. Really, truly.
Living together, looking for
beetles and seeing the flora
grow. Enjoying poems and
art and each other. But
she needs positivity
a person around a plane to
catch too. She cannot wait.
More than that.

I like the grass under my feet
my latest gray strands
my perpetual doubts
I like to travel by train
my suitcase pocket-sized
my world full-out
I'd like to finish my book
get my head straight
and grow up.

The silver rippling of a lake
so vast she couldn't imagine
ever reaching for shore.

She plays nice weather
although her waves stir
roar around the rocks

he is when he
behaves like he does
which is not and he isn't
Finished yet.

Instead of bread the chocolate
comfort from dark matter
indoor picnics too when rain
Something she deserves
for being left alone
for building on alone
To hide at home when
Desire leaves and food comes in.