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Turoa Nov 2019
I wish I had a coat of silk, the color of the sky.
I wish I had a lady fair, as any butterfly
I wish I had a house of stone that looked down on the sea
But most of all I wish that I was someone else but me.

(Madeleine cheers up Gonzo)

Now I don't have a coat of silk, but still I have the sky
Now I don't have a lady, but there goes a butterfly
Now I don't have a house of stone, but I can see the sea
Now most of all I know that I am happy to be me.
I'm happy to be me.
A song by Gonzo the Great
Turoa Nov 2019
Happiness I've found
Crossing seas mountains and skies
For the simplicity of feeling
A future in your eyes
Together we'd suffer ecstacy
Pain, passion, exquisite tears
Longing, but no longer alone
Between a kiss spanning years
Turoa Oct 2019
He came to me for solace
Relief
Shelter from pain
He thought he'd found brotherhood
Companionship
A means to shed
One's own shame

But instead he found me
Bitter honesty, truthful but cold
Like raw ore to the smith
In my care
He will suffer
Before he is gold

I stole something from you today
Something you'll very soon know
The last temptation of relief
That iron grip on control
The great escape
Your last thread of hope

You'll think I've betrayed you
Wrong or right I don't know
But in its place I've left something
One more day
To live
One more day
To grow

Perhaps I will fail you,
I honestly don't know
We are not that different, you and I
Maybe we are
At least I don't think so

But you'll understand
What I said when we met
What I think and believe
My reasons, my friend.
Unravel, unweave

Pieces of the picture
You'll see in due time
You said, my hands are *****, when we met
And now see why I said, so are mine.
I had an experience today, a friend of mine, a vet whose lost a lot recently.. I know the average a few years ago was 22 veteran suicides per year and I can only assume that's grown. Please be cognizant of others and the battles each individual faces, look out for your brother's in arms and don't be afraid to do the right thing if it gets the help they need.
A misplaced firing pin and a wellplaced phone call might be all it takes.
Turoa Oct 2019
There’s a room with green walls dark carpet and dim ceiling, 
The man sits behind a desk tells me to express my feelings 
He claims hes here to help me,
Face my hate fear and doubt 
Then why are there chains around my neck?
No doors and no way out!
I thought I was doing the right thing 
Trying to be a better person
They said I needed this 
That without it my condition would worsen
Since when was I sick
Why can’t a kid just be human
If Mommy didn’t want her first pet
Should've dropped on her knees
Opened her mouth
And consumed him!

There’s a room in my mind 
The walls aren’t green anymore 
The place I faced my self
Face up, six down
Where I tore up the floor
Gave words to my pain there
Till the flick of a match was a roar
I don’t leave
The door’s not locked
I just don’t go anymore

You want me to talk about my family,
What do you want to know? 
About my dad and my mom 
I’d say I don’t give a ****, 
That I can’t wait till they go
You see my mom was certified crazy, beat me my whole life long
She didn’t care 
So long as gods name was blessed
In her eyes, she could do no wrong
Other than that all I had to do was exactly as told
But it’s hard when you’re busted,
Black and blue in a bathtub
At 6 years old!

Now my dad was a little different 
He really loved my mom
Apparently more than everyone else 
that’s why he was gone.  
Ironically
Turns out he loved a lot of others too
Two prostitutes and a little boy 
Happy 16th ******* 
The day you found it was you!
Too young to remember it,
So many nights, I sat and I cried 
Clenching a dull knife at their door
A kid wishing both his parents would die
And I hated it 
The fact that fact I didn’t have it inside
To do it myself, 
I can’t do it, I told the mirror
Till I found out that I lied
But I couldn’t you see
**** it, I'll choose to suffer that’s fine 
Because there’s other kids besides me 
And I had a home to provide

Now there’s a room in my mind 
The walls aren’t green anymore 
The place I faced my self
Dead eyes staring back at me, 
Up from a hole
Gave words to my pain there
And a matchbook a roar
I don’t leave
The door isn’t locked
I just don’t care anymore

Now the man with grey hair 
And his giant black desk 
How I wish I’d smashed his teeth on it
Let his own blood do the rest
You know he’d sit and he’d challenge me
I’d excel every test
Repairing a life of mistakes 
But I gave it my best
I learned understanding and self control 
That’s what you taught me
And how I must’ve looked 
When I realized that you had completely ****** me

You see you you tore down my walls
I let you 
Gave you the hammer
You know you educated me about life 
Its harshness and rules
You made me unstoppable 
Honed me, 
You made me a tool
The sharp kind 
You took me, hacked, buried,
People I never knew, why
My dad tried to contact you 
He said my siblings were worried 
You said a snake might only bite once
But it’ll always be a snake! Isn’t that what you told him!
When I left cops came to my house family and school
Claimed I was a threat to my environment
Perhaps it was true
Half a year in exchange, 
Otherwise I’d rot in a cell
I guess you never know what you’ll get
Raising a demon from hell
So I came back, head down 
Tail between knees
Now there’s walls everywhere, much more real 
Even the ones you can’t see
But I came back anew
A job you should be proud of 
You made me a better man
Better at what, I’m not sure though
So tell me, I saw your son’s wedding date is a few days away
What if I pay it a little visit and paint the whole thing red
Or how about your wife’s Sunday school class, Sunday at 10:00
You know how people pray hardest 
When death closes in
You thought you could chain me 
Play god, **** with my brain
But you set something free doc
I'd say I’m sorry, but he has the reins
You tell me I can’t, impossible, I’ll never get out 
Match, checkmate, you win
Believe in your work doc,
It’s said there’s no faith in doubt
Congratulations you did it
Time to face your sin
You see, you’re right
I’m the monster
And you’ve locked yourself in

There’s a room in my mind 
The walls aren’t green anymore 
Where I shed a former self
Struck a match 
Then sealed the door

I went back a year later
My estranged home downtown
With a match and gas can
To burn it all to the ground
He was gone, a new name, a new plaque on the door
Children’s toys and building blocks 
Scattered over the floor 
Here, you said you’d made me a better man
And now I am more
Is that me or the beast talking
I don’t know anymore
Turoa Sep 2019
I Ponder the words
     Oher writers have wrote,
To speak volumes in syllables
Understand feelings in notes
I wonder can I compare
To the darkness of Poe
Share the wonder of Silverstein
Mary Shelley's dispare
Or the screams of Van Gogh
Can I write myself Treetops  
Frost's trails traveled by
Could I create my own Iliad
Or are fatales just lies
Could I command with Tennyson  
On Stoker's bat wings rise,
I am no one too many
Someone too few,
Though my voice is unheard
And pain be my artform
Still I shall try
This dream I'll pursue
Turoa Sep 2019
With people
The only question that matters
What else can there be
Besides our feeble perceptions
Asking us
What I am to you,
And
What are you to me?
Turoa Aug 2019
From a barstool
One can watch
Life rushing by
I can't begin
To comprehend sometimes
The racing masses
Not knowing where
What for
Or why

At moments like this
I pause
From a wooden stool
Look for purpose
Patterns
For cause
But some questions
Aren't answered
Some lands
We cannot explore
Some toasts untasted
Better suit the floor

But I'll sit
And I'll watch
Life run its course
And while I search
For meaning
From my stool by the door
Until I find something
...
Bartender,
I think I'll have one more
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