its sad
the way i allowed myself to be treated as an afterthought
but then again
maybe being known as  his sometimes
was better than not being known at all

I'm too young to feel this numb
I'm too young to feel this pain
It's not fair for all the shame that we face when we want to express the way we feel
I'm too ashamed of my thoughts
I can't believe I think those things
I wish I could turn my brain off
And just float away
You can only escape for so long but when the high is gone you drop back into the low and keep on drifting down the long dusty road looking for a turn a path an exit that doesn't end with your existence
I try to leave my body behind exit my self just for a little while but its hardest to run from the thing that is close
My bed has become my place a comfy hole for me to hind my face I feel strapped in pulled by an invisible force you don't know how many chains I pull with me when I try to get up I yank for my life and pull for my happiness and someday I can shake the chains and escape I can make it to the door and fall to the floor praying that tomorrow I will be able to do the same thing
that someday I will shake away the shame but for now I'm trapped chained down to my bed to many thoughts racing through my head I try to push them out I don't want to hear them shout

get out of my head
get out of my head
do I really want to be dead?
This though enters in my brain I can only ignore it for so long till it comes back creeping in I feel the words swim around me like a chain and pulls me deeper into bed
today I will not be able to escape
today I will not fall to the floor

I'm tired
I'm tired of my life
Of the people who treat me like ****
Of the ones who leave just when the adventure begins
I'm tired of thinking why or doing what I think is right because everything always turns out wrong
I'm tired of doing what others want
I'm tired of waking up
I'm tired and I don't know what to do because this is the life I live I can't switch to someone else I need to make a change but I'm weighed down in fear I can't do anything without feeling like I'm going to explode
I'm so stressed just from the thought that I might not have time to rest
I can't do anything because I'm too scared it makes me mad how closed off I can be but idk what else to do I can't bring my self to do the things I want in fear of judgement faller
work makes me stressed, home makes me stressed, friends make me stressed, living makes me stressed
I'm tired of this stress
I'm tired of this pressure
I'm tired of living in the state I am in this cold place that someday may decide my fate I don't want to give in I don't want to crack but how can I live with this stress on my back everything I do and say comes back to me in some way
I'm tired of the way I look
I'm tired of seeing my self in the mirror because the only thing it shows is the hurt the scared the disgusting body that I own if I only I could trade it
my body is affecting my life in more ways then there is time to explain but I'm tired of it I just want it gone if these few things could change I could maybe wake up for the next couple days I try to hold on hope but its hard when you don't do anything to fix your problems because your stuck in fear to a four framed box that holds you off the ground and keeps you from floating around
I'm tired of sleep
I'm tired of me
I'm tired of life
I'm tired and I don't know what to do

I'm stuck in this spot
Motionless unable to move
My stomach is being ripped apart along with my emotions
I'm paralyzed in fear all I see is your eyes
Hungry
I try to escape run for help
But its too late now
I've gone somewhere else

I wake up in the morning still frozen in the spot I think its a dream or he likes me a lot
I feel sick when asked about that night
But I liked him and didn't put up a fight
Nothing about it feels right but my friends are excited and happy for me and no one questions how wrong this might be so then it must be right?

Time passes were still friends if you could call it that but I pull away
I get in his car and think I'm going to throw up I don't understand why I wanna escape
Forced to be friends by mutual acuteness I continue on as though nothing is wrong

Till I'm sitting in class three months later its the third week of December and my teacher announces we're going to talk about consent and **** culture I'm excited to learn but saddened by the statistics 1 in 4 girls will be sexually assaulted 1 in 4 I sit in a group of 5 four being female and I think to my self one of us will be sexually assaulted that's so sad then its like I hit a brick wall and light has gone off  I've become a statistic

Three months later its all making sense how could I have not known it was improper concent I don't know if I should be happy or sad I understand the way I've been feeling but how could this have happened to me. I want to leave class but can't draw attention no one can know this new intervention I need to yell I wanna scream but I stay silent.

I call a trusted friend the only one out of about 10 who thought what happened wasn't okay and I'm really not sure what to say but I need to talk I need to tell someone who knows me well.

I move on not thinking about that night I tell a couple friends but nothing that helps me mend I'm not really sure what to do but not thinking about it makes me less blue. I think I've moved on till a couple months later when I find out he's done it again I'm not sure what to say and I feel a lot of guilt If I could have tuffined up  and spoken out about me maybe then this wouldn't be. I tell her I'm sorry and I understand we talk and try to help each other mend I play mine off like it really wasn't that bad maybe it's not what I thought it was. She tells more people word gets around so why are my friends still hanging around they don't know about me but they know what he's done they choose not to believe and it hurts a tone.

Time heals all wounds I've heard so I'm still waiting for the wound to mend I've stayed silent and haven't spoken out I want to tell my friends and I want to shout I don't know what to say and they probably won't believe me anyway. I don't understand why I want to protect him how ****** is that. I finally tell a grown up and I know there their there to talk they give me some options but I feel its too late now what he did was wrong and I'm not sure if he knows that but its been 6 months since that day Most days I'm okay I'm  living life happily but sometimes it still saddens me. Everyday is a step further away and I'm not going to let his actions define me this may be one of the hardest things I ever do but
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