Open scars poured with liquid emotion
Potion
Elixir
Fixer
Forgetter
Step on toes and apologize later
Loose talker
Blinded intelligence
A pure soul and virtue of benign benevolence
I love you I hate you will you be my friend
Burn down the next liquid, my throat needs to mend
To spew out opinions and blind web read facts
You need to be my friend, I’m not what you think
I don’t stink
I don’t *****
I ***** a little
You do too
Just to have someone next to you
You swallow your pride and face what you see, but
It makes you feel whole to wake up next to me.
Tell me I’m beautiful tell me please
Tell me when you want me down on my knees
I slap you with putrid feelings of hate
That I drank to provide you with a willing debate: do I **** this ***** or get out while I can
But you’re only just a *****, lonely old man
I’m in your house so I can easily leave
But I won’t
Because you wanting me is such a reprieve

***** fingers
hold dirtier habits.
Back track, of course it would
be the same outcome.
Deaf ears, the usual.
Butterfly ***** its wings in some
time, space, symmetrical shift,
and my life’s still ****.
Give me truth like a belly laugh:
undeniable, and exactly what I needed. Fixing broken parts with forgotten arts. Always forget how it starts and fear
the way it may end.
What if the work I put in isn’t enough?
Where will I be then?

~kb

Today, I heard a woman
speak about indifference.
In my mind, a large charged clock was
laid out on the floor.
This wasn’t some small instance
causing minor turmoil.
It was every group represented
on the face of that clock.

And time’s, running out.

They spat at one another
leaving salivary freckles on the glass
face of this ticking time bomb.
And no one seemed to notice.
Hate met with hate causes rapid
explosions
of entitlement and lies,
brushing away honesty with a nice new
contour kit, make it look nothing of
itself.
Take mouths to baby birds
and spew in hatred and lies
with thin thighs and a new juice cleanse.
Raising people just like them.
They come back to the clock
and stand their places,
fragile looks on frail faces.
Swept away by the struggle
but still standing around,
standing their ground
And the clock winds down.
The suffering of humans can’t be
just left at the door.
And I imagine alarm sounds,
as I know, not in time,
not one will politely step down.

~kb

What I wish was a beige ocean
is a darkened tan lint filled
swamp
of mismatched socks and
yoga pants in every color
White hairs tether themselves to
black clothes
making the world look pretty grey
A guest to the canine
Empty orange glazed bottles
with white caps fill gaps
between clothes
Orange cones that hold chemicals
diverting traffic in my brain
A working pattern fails to come through
And workers turn their fingers blue
day and night trying to
form an intelligent route
Cars just keep
colliding in the meantime
A sanctuary of sorts
At least the walls aren’t padded
though a missing feature on drunken nights
And I’m afraid
if I leave this safe dark place
I’ll never come back the same,
or worse, I will.

~kb

She cries, but alone
to no one and for nothing.

She weeps for her sorrows,
but to see them would be impossible

there are none to look upon.
She is in tears, in her head, but drops

of blood only appear. The reddish
lament of broken hearts, broken dreams,

broken promises and broken looks. She
waits, only for her horse, to take her,

anywhere but here.

~kb

I’ve tried every box,
every brand, every store.
It’s 2018;
We make technological advances galore.
We make phones that recognize
people's faces.
There’s cars that drive
On their own to places.
We have implants for hearing
to give those in silence some sound.
And I bet we hold some of the best work
in a secret lab somewhere underground.
With all of that said,
there’s something way out of order
if I can still never rip the cellophane
without destroying the cardboard corner.

~kb

I can’t speak anymore
my vocal chords are
tainted painted red
from rapid screams
into the pillows
pressed with tears and smeared mascara
an era I need desperately to end to mend become a version of sane again
it’s insane when these cycles
continue to haunt me
a gauntlet to the faces of
happy peaceful and pure
just continuing to break me down even more people going about their day
and I wonder if they
ever feel this way
if they’ve ever felt despair deep in their gut or if they’ve ever wanted their eyes
permanently shut
or if they ever even look at me
the mute headed for entropy

~kb

I want to disappear,
but it’s not what you think. I’m on the brink of this thinking and off harmony chords,
that vibrate within
my slowly suturing skull.
Telling me things out of horror story gore. You wouldn’t believe the holograms
in my head
that bend light toward the dark and leave me hungry and bowed,
curled up tighter than Mom’s overnight plastic beauty.
So you can see, I just need to escape
for a while. I’ve thought this through,
I’ve written you,
explaining where I had gone.
Unfortunately,
I could find nowhere before this to go.
My shackled nerve endings followed me
to each place, no peace or no space,
just a new destination
with the same fat bellied demons rolling around in my gut, and I realized
one destination,
that couldn’t be touched
by fired frustration
or a black widow spider
spinning her web, biting the flesh of my heart.
I was already dead.
I have been, for a while and,
I couldn’t explain it to you.
The only way to make it stop
is to fight it where it is.

The shot to my heart
was an obvious choice to start,
make the spiders slither
to another comfy place,
and I thought about my face,
I really did.
That’s all I’m sorry for,
is you can’t look at my face,
but the dread in my head
was the absolute place
I needed to be free of and finally float through the earth.
And if you’re finding this letter
instead of standing bedside,
I need you to know,
I am free,
finally, alive.

~kb

People post about their lives.
Many are filled with joy, children,
engagements, social times, friends.
Some are not.
And people think these are toxic people.
They post about darkness, struggle,
sadness. But, they are sharing their life
with you
as much as you like to with them.
It’s just not the same as yours.
And even though it looks negative
and cold and unimportant,
that life is all they have right now,
and they’re trying every which way
to have your life,
without success.
To be “normal”: a distant dream
for those who suffer.

~kb

Separation anxiety with myself;
terrified of the gloom girl leaving
Weaving new webs that stick like oil,
slick and coiled, stalling bereavement
Trepidation on angles of light and shadow
Yin, yang, Confucius confusion
Desires remain: stitched scars with light,
wings blacker than dots on dominos

Arachnid, I yearn to spark my molting,
space far too cluttered for this luxury;
huddled masses between my ears,
symphony of failures, always off key
Continuing a battle of lost meanings
I ail only to be impaled by doubt
Version two is a ruse I’m magnetized to:
Reckless instructions, emotions black out

Light might have to wait for an ominous cue,
twist, tight gripped, pull version one through
Polish worn, rough edges, forgive version two
Frail, tragic little girl;
failed to claw her way out


~kb

One of the hardest things
is wanting to know the answer to a question so badly,
but also knowing,
the answer won’t change anything.
We fear the unknown,
but we also hold onto it,
because, we can’t accept that,
maybe there’s a reason
we don’t know the answer.
Maybe we’re being protected
so we can just move forward.
A little white lie, cover up
from the universe.
Just another reminder,
something greater is in charge here.
We just put in the footwork,
and are rewarded beyond measure.

~kb

Evil escapes from blackened throat,
floats in smoke through crooked teeth
A thunderous scream, no haunted dream
just haunting beams of energy
emptying an unstoppable exorcism
Prism of color that covers reality
picks me up and carries me
above to watch my body tremor,
parents clamor to cease and destroy demons apparently employed to
spark the kerosene in the center of me Exploding scene, pieces that be
scurry for shade aided by men paid
in empty bank accounts to strap me down
and numb me up, mid weight sedation
and unconscious frustration
in the way these internal
tectonic plates have forever shifted
Once gifted, now gifted new hell
Numbed and dumbed down thoughts
seethe and swell and
I can tell the world I see
will no longer be the life of a girl
who’s only fourteen

~kb

Imagine climbing a mountain
With stairs built into it
There’s more than one path
But only one person can use it
You can meet your friends at the top
Where all the stairs converge
Share your triumph and exhaustion
But you won’t know when you’ll emerge
Each pathway up is different
They take various amounts of time
The obstacles within them
Will either help or hurt the climb
You’re alone on this journey
No one to help you maintain
Battle wounds will grace your body
Part of your mind will go insane
So pay attention closely
To each step your foot finds
Prepare yourself from within
To meet at the top with mankind

~kb

Vague, this peace is temporary anyway
Search for logical sense,
so much hay for such a small needle
There’s nothing logical here
Tread through straw
find cold ground the sound
of loneliness has filled this home
No fairy dropping in to leave a dollar
and take the pain
Groundhog Day
Drop sustenance into sputtering machines
Triple layers, unable to get warm
Take in sugar and light and nicotine
and, I can never make sense
of this brick pattern
Sit hours with sun and pen
Occasional interruption
Waiting for the night to turn
animal instincts into visual resistance
and drunken written phrases
that are surprisingly good

~kb

And I saw the moon
as the sun still glowed.
I traced clouds with my fingers
until images showed.
Saw the veins of each tree
As they ran up its’ branches
Sprouting green feathered leaves
Taking their chances
Against the harsh summer sun
And the bitter winter air.
Longing furiously just to
Stay there.
What seems a frightful experience
For that tiny leaf
Shows the change we endure
As we build our beliefs.
We sprout from the ground
And grow reaching for the sun.
Show our best spectrum of colors
Until we start to come undone.
We can’t hang on any longer,
And like the leaves, we fall.
Thinking failure has hit us,
Think we’re losing it all.
But the tree doesn’t die
It keeps growing through cold.
And we fight til the sun
Gives us something to hold.
Life gives you growth,
Life gives you change.
If you can fight just a little
The new is less strange
And you’ve added a branch
To your tall shady tree
You’ve taken that chance
To grow beyond heartache,
pain, and change.
And become every color
Just newly arranged.

~kb

Past becomes sole happy moments
As future possibilities entice my
Present circumstance
And I’m sure this dance
Is forbidden
Smitten with attention
Darkness acquires my arm
Impulse shows no objection
Intellect is blurry
And I seem to be in this
Unsure hurry to sabotage it all
Mind goes blank and strings
Attached to me
Pull it all down
Yet I’m fully unaware of everything going on
Around me
This sound please
Just make it stop
It’s drowning me

~kb

There’s far too much left to discover
Stop playing undercover
Let’s be real
Let’s be lovers

~kb

Pain:
The same meaning across lands,
yet each being feels it differently.

~kb

When do I know it’s a choice?
There’s so much darkness inside
Yet I still have a voice.
But, when is the voice mine?
Is it really me,
Or the evil’s disguise?
When is the choice
Between strength and that voice?
The illness says I’m weak
The choices I make will always be bleak.
So even if I had a choice
It can never beat that evil voice.


~kb

Swirling minds
lead to circular thoughts,
releasing one transgression
but another gets caught.
Digging deep
uncertainty begins to creep,
it's not weak to weep,
sometimes the hills are steep
and the gaps are hard to leap,
but we keep pushing
until we reach the peak.
But the pinnacle does not
mean the journey has ended,
it's just one part
of many that has mended.
Once we conquer
our earthly errors,
we can move on to
existential terrors.

I have been on this path
alone so long,
but now I roam with someone
who helps me be strong.
With her I know I belong.
I have someone who brings
harmony to my song.
Not every day will turn out
the way we intend,
but we each have a friend
we can depend on to defend
each other from that which
would have us descend.
We take flight beyond these
earthly plights and will
reach new heights
and see new sights,
for we will smite
our ego and spite
to do what's right
and be a light shining bright,
even during the darkest of nights.

Posted for author: M. Buff

Close my eyes
and mouth with tape let me
hear the torment
within my head
without distraction
Always distracted
focus compromised by
emotional eyes
and an empty heart
sleep to destroy
the art of darkness
Slow step wake up
yesterday’s makeup
spilled on the tile
emotions run wild
like fenced in dogs
never touching their paws
to pavement
just chain link
filed teeth and angry
Arranging my next
movements in order
to save me
the door or
the window
cause you know
I’m not staying here
that’s very clear
no need for the drama
just call my mama
she’ll take me home
Mouth foams
dog bites
bigger dogs now attack
now I’m ******* my back
hands collapse under straps
And of course the beautiful syringe
tinged pale neurons singed
Bring me down the hall
this is what I call
home
Light fades sleep settles
and I’m not even through
day one

~kb

When I said I hate you,
I meant I love you and please
tell me you do, too.

When I said I was fine,
I meant I’m breaking down
a bit. Just hold me close.

When I didn’t speak to you,
I meant I’m so sorry, I was wrong
I just, don’t know how to
tell you.

When I looked you in the eyes,
I meant tell me what to do
because you’re pushing away.

When I said we can’t communicate,
I meant, you don’t seem to know
what love is, you don’t know
how I need to be loved.

When I said goodbye,
I meant goodbye.

~kb

Everything at my disposal
And that’s exactly what I do
Throw away your help and advice
And then blame my garbage life on you
You don’t know that I can’t see
Any lines on this Snellen chart
So when I squint to hear you speak
I end up in the dark
It’s not that I don’t want your help
I just don’t comprehend what you say
I follow the mental recipes
But it bakes up different every day
My white flag’s been up a while
But I get mad when it’s flown half staff
When you tell me just to smile
And show the world that I can’t
You expect me to fail but hope for the best
You’ve exhausted energy and time
But those are things I don’t have at all
I’ve hit the end just before my prime
I’ve wanted guidance for so many years
How to navigate these paths
Of the black labyrinth inside my head
Leaving bread crumbs to get back
But it’s already been said
I’ve heard the truth:
‘There’s just nothing more
we can do for you.’
So I’ll eat my bread in fear
Instead of dropping it as I travel
I’m forever sentenced to this labyrinth
Mind’s already slammed down the gavel

~kb

I’ve stood where I can’t stand me
I’ve been where I won’t go
I’ve seen what I can’t recognize
I’ve grown where light won’t show

I’ve copied blank white pages
I’ve written letters but no words
I’ve crossed lines never drawn
I’ve turned normal to absurd

I’ve fallen down while getting up
I’ve known peace within disorder
I’ve slept through violent sudden storms
I’ve gone back while moving forward

I’ve never hidden who I am
I’ve often thought in sin
I’ve always made perfect mistakes
And, I’ve never given in

~kb

Everyone in town
wants to cast you down
to the Bible’s hell
to your own ghost town
because you cast around
spells and demonic tongue
on your own home ground
and they want you strung
you and your young
on oaks and sway above
all the damage you’ve done
we don’t need any witches
and you are one

~kb

Twitch and the itch is stitched through my nerves the curves of endless verve intwined my mind laced signs of insane a brain tainted and lame from the same elixirs to fix her tiny powder tricksters losing sisters testing brothers working father worried mother and the other friends and foes they don’t know how low my heart’s gone wall up armor on whisper songs to tin plates hide my face stay in place until the wolves go away

~kb

Seek your approval but
looking at it all wrong traveling
to the wrong places
end up in tight spaces
claustrophobic and regretting
once again the choice I made to
let you invade
any part of me
because now I see that what I seek
was never in you and was always in me.

~kb

Meet me at the blue stairs
at Little Lake Park.
Just dress normal.
1AM sharp.
You said we should do this,
it’ll all be okay.
I have what we need
and I’m on board all the way.
Love you.

I shuffle in my pockets
and stare at the clock.
1:20AM. She’s late,
what a shock.
As the twenty ticks to fifty,
I’m one hundred percent sure.
She’s not coming.
She wants to stay in this world.
I text one last time
just to try.
I guess I’ll go home
If she wants to live, so do I.
I thought we could leave
this awful world together.
But maybe she has plans
to make our lives much better.

I haven’t gotten any messages
but I’m here at the park.
This blue slide looks black
when the night is so dark.
I’ve waited for almost
an hour at least.
I just want to ****
our minds’ biggest beasts.
Maybe you had
a change of heart.
But I can’t continue to live
in a world so dark.
I’m sorry we couldn’t
do this together.
Maybe you had false thoughts
that this would some day get better.
Love you.

I thought he was with me
we were on the same page.
This world was pure nothing
and our lives a big stage.
Or maybe he doesn’t
want to die with me.
He’s hoping some day
he can be set free.
But the world doesn’t offer
much to people like us.
So we suffer so greatly
and feel shame for an illness.
The mental anguish
is just too much abuse
I hope the wild doesn’t get me
before the noose.

~kb

It’s not my place.
It’s not my place to tell you you’re ignorant.
It’s not my place to tell you you’re disrespectful.
It’s not my place to tell you you’re unhealthy.
It’s not my place to tell you you’re wrong.
It’s not my place to educate you.

All of those perceptions and behaviors are your path, your truth.

It is ONLY my place to BE the compassionate, the respectful, the healthy, the charitable, the intelligent, the confident.

My only purpose is to be my values
and love whoever follows
and whoever doesn’t
equally.

~kb