**** i done ****** up now. Everyone can
see that im a ******* clown. What was i
thinking? Made an *** of myself, guess these
are just the cards ive been dealt. cant trade two
out in hopes i get a better suit. But what am I
supposed to do when i got four 2s? If you play by the
rules, then a deuce can be wild. But sometimes you
cant play fair, gotta keep a spare card or two up
your sleeve, it may seem like cheating, but that
depends on how you wish to perceive it. too much
craziness and leave you feeling like you been exiled
from reality. when all of your stresses have sporadically
compiled in the back of your head, its a ****** tragedy
how easily those thoughts can spread, but never
have i once thought I'd be better off dead. Depression
and anxiety can be crippling, one thought leads to
multiple waves rippling and encrypting hateful data
to my brain. I feel like im sometimes missing the
capability to keep myself sane.

Somethings aren't always what they seem,
and just weren't meant to be. But i wish i
coulda seen things play out like they did in
my dreams.

Why cant i do the things i want? I got no ***** to put myself out there at all, it seems like i dont care but honestly its the only thing thats on my mind. Why cant i ******* find the courage to spit out the words and all my feelings. This self hatred is exceeding the acceptable boundaries. I ******* hate myself some times. I think the only way to unwind is through a blunt. But guess what, i smoke too much and my anxiety runs a ******* muck. I need to hit the mats.  I feel its the only way i can truly relax. I need to smoke and roll, thats just seems like its my only vice. But the untold place of my true happiness with through the touch of a woman. It seems like kind of an odd omen, cause i dont when and how to talk to em. When i think too much about it my anger boils up and theres no way around it. My dreams are foiled cause some how my subconscious is toiled in not letting myself find happiness. Its like i only seem to be comfortable when im stuck and smothered in some crappiness. But got **** its so hard to live with myself sometimes. Im emotionally worn out. All i can do is just cry

No matter how much has changed
One thing still remains the same
That all I know is pain
The physical
Felt like ive had spears driven through
My legs. Its like a plague that
Wont go away
The pain is so unbearable, I tell
My doctors and they don’t seem  
To care at all
My knees feel like they will buckle
With ease. My left feels so unstable
Im surprised im even able to walk
My right causes so much pain, it
Sometimes pauses me in my tracks
My wrists aren’t much better. Can
Barely lift a feather. Can’t swing
A bat, throw a punch, or lift weights
At that, without a shooting pain
In my radius. Feels like its gonna break
Again, and I truly am afraid of this.
My ankle is always sore, even
Though the bone isn’t dead anymore,
I fear itll collapse just walking in the store
The mental
I feel nothing but emptiness
My stomach and chest are nothing
But hollow pits. Wherever I go, I
Always feel like something is wrong
No matter who im with, always
Feels like I don’t belong.
Sometimes when I close my eyes,
I still see it, the spot where my
Body lies, and where I should have died.
The blood, the grass, the rocks, its
All so vivid. Since then ive lived
Life oh so timid. My struggles have
Exceeded its bearable limit. It
Brings a tear to my eye, but for
Some reason, I cant seem to cry

When I was younger, I wrote about
love and tranquility, no wonder cause
I felt so un-wrung and free. But over the
years you will see, a different pattern
of my thoughts and whats real to me, through
each one of these soliloquies. feels like I have
no one around to care for me. Getting really tired
of all this negativity. Self-doubt and loathing
unfortunately has taken its toll on me.
my mind has been polluted and diluted so much so,
leaving the past behind has no real possibility

I don’t know why I have a
Hard time overcoming my shyness
I recognize this especially
When I talk to the finest chick in class
But still I notice it even when
Someone I know walks pass
I cant figure out why its so
Hard for me to say hi
I feel a lot of it has to do with
My self image
In my mind I often scrimmage
Conversation I could or should have had
With the people I know
In my imagination everything
Feels so euphoric
I can get by in life with little
To no complication
Need to find an inspiration to get
Me out of my shell
Its like I’m cast under a spell
Which forbids me from leaving my cell
Trapped in solitary confinement
It feels like I’ve wasted my life away
Now I sit here and wonder just
Where the time went

Everywhere I go, I put on a mask
Nothing but fake smiles and laughs
To everyone that I pass, I do this so
My true emotions won’t show
Sometimes I forget the only task that I had
And leave my mask back at the pad
Revealing to everyone my apathetic tone
I tend to push people away
Not listening to what they may have to say
I dont let no one get to close, because I
Know when you do, that’s how they’ll hurt you the most

for some reason I’ve had her
on my mind lately
it was weird to see her like my pics
kinda figured she would hate me
i couldn’t really blame her if she did
i guess i shouldn’t have hid who
i truly am, a broken man with no plan
she told me to get my **** together
i should have tried to listen better
now i’m stuck just reminiscin’
over that glisten in her eye
i feel like i kinda did it
to myself on purpose
but it really wasn’t worth this
feeling of regret
i don’t think i can ever forget that
feeling i got when i made her smile
i swear its been a while since
i felt that way for someone
but i can’t change the things i have done
if i could, i would’ve done things different
maybe could have tried to let my feelings
leave a bigger imprint
in all honesty, i felt my pain and
stress a bit less when i
was with her
i don’t know, I guess what
I’m trying to say is,
I kinda miss her

I am beginning to notice my self
Destructive tendencies
I try to pretend to be okay with
How things are in my life
But gimme a second, and
Imam tell you what it’s really like
I’ve noticed my level of happiness
Constantly changes seasons like
Earth’s climate
I usually keep this private, but now
That the truth is alive, it
Has no reason to hide
Summer
Everything is cool everything is fine
My friends hit me up and I’m down to ride
At this time I’m even doing good in school
I’m motivate and driven, my
Spirit has surprisingly risen and
Ascends for the months to come
Fall
my motivation is slowly declining
I start finding things to complain about
I’m losing sight of the silver lining
I started to become lazy
I wont clean my room, or the dishes
I even notice my memory becoming hazy
Winter
Everything has fallen apart
I stopped taking care of myself
I don’t even know where to start
I feel so hopeless, and ashamed
Of what I’ve become
I feel like there’s nothing that can be done
Spring
I’m trying to turn things around
I believe I found a way
I’m no longer feeling astray
I’m starting to notice a change
In myself, no reason to complain
I realize I’m the god of my own domain
But right now I’m stuck between
Two different seasons. I’m in
the middle of winter & spring
I’m having a hard time finding
A single thing pleasin’
I’ve felt so numb to everything
Going on for so long
Now my emotions are in overdrive
They’re like a loose cannon
Ready to pulverize anything in it’s way
As my thoughts continue to
Spray and speed up, it’s almost
Impossible for me to even keep up

Do i belong?
Do i fit in?
What is going on?
Do people like me?
Do they despise me?
What am i doing wrong?
Should i have done this?
Should i have said that?
Am i coming off too strong?
Could there have been another way?
Why can't i feel at ease?
When will i start to move on?

i have spent too much time
stranded at home, i’ve realized
the more that i am alone
i lose touch with reality.
off in my own zone i can’t
distinguish daydreams and actuality
with no one around me, i’m left
with only my thoughts to keep me
company. but what’s going on isn’t
that healthy. I’ve noticed i’m talking
to myself, it’s like i’m going crazy, or
maybe, i’m already there. i’’ll have
a full on conversation with nothing
but an empty chair. then i realize
what i’m doing, and am left sitting
there with an empty stare, hoping
this will soon end. it’s almost like
i pretend to be talking with someone
else, or just let out a quiet shout
just to break the silence about
i feel my paranoia increasing, feels like
everyone is conspiring against me
i can feel my sanity expiring immensely

i cant help it, i feel i’ve gone mental
the decline is exponential
its hard to believe what its turned into
can’t really say what i’ve been through
can only explain it through a pencil
but all i’ve overcome is monumental
typically keep my thoughts confidential
but im laying my insecurities out
and slicing em’ up with a ginsu

I want to be happy but i cant take
the steps to get there. it seems like
im only comfortable in the midst of despair

today is filled with pain
today is filled with sorrow
but still, i hope for a better tomorrow

i remember that **** clearly
there was no one around to hear me
as i screamed and shouted
i seriously doubted
that i would be found, and
given the help i needed,
as i pleaded to god
to let me see another day
couldn’t keep from sleepin’
i could fel death trying to creep in
by then, i came to terms with my fate
i still remember the date
10-26-14
that day will forever haunt me
it all feels like a dream
i can’t seem to wake from
they say light comes after darkness
but its pitch black in this ghastly abyss
“right now i should be dead”
a thought i can’t get out of my head
it just don’t sit right
this is hands down my hardest fight
feels like i’m lost in the universe
nothing like a blessing
if anything, its more like a curse

i met this girl when i was 5 years old,
and what i love most she had so much soul.
her vibe was cooler than rock and roll,
gotta say she had me feeling some type of way
i knew our relationship would grow to be big
she can be aggressive at times, which i kinda dig
be careful with what you say to her, cause shes got an attitude NWA would prefer.
I knew she was no one to **** with like the Wu
but to me shes been nothing but sweet
when i truly listen to when she speaks, its almost like she makes me feel complete
she exposed me to a new culture of afrocentricity, it opened my eyes to a whole new level of creativity
i fell in love with the things i heard, it was her elaborate spoken word.
her story is never borin', cause she be tellin' my whole life with her words like Lauryn
i know we come from a different way of life, but it doesn't seem to matter cause she's just my type
she had me singing songs from "hey ya", to the funky soul of de la.
she picked me up when i was down, she was there for me, when no one else was around
she was there to wipe my tears away, she always knows the right thing to say.
she always told me what i needed to hear
with her i have nothing to fear. she relaxes me when i'm around any one peer
shes made me want to learn and gain more knowledge.
to be honest ive learned more from her than any course in college
we didn't always get along
she wouldn't say it, but i could see something was wrong
we just couldn't relate, emotions smothered with hate.
i figured we needed a break
we needed to see what others had to offer
some came my way, but i still couldn't keep my mind off her.
i thought maybe we were done
my feelings were gone
taken out by Ms. Badu with "Mama's Gun."
but she reached out and we reconnected, and instantly those feelings were resurrected. I can't explain it, its like our souls are connected.
i missed her intelligence, and could feel it just being in her presence
i saw who i fell in love with was actually still there
we don't always see eye to eye, but truthfully i don't really care
we are together, and creating a better bond with each other
on the list of all the things i love, she climbed her way to the Tip-Top, theres no one else above
she goes by many names, but i just call her Hip-Hop

spent an entire month in the hospital
and not once did i see a toothbrush
or my wounds anointed with a topical ointment
it was clear an infection was there
considering my leg turned an odd
shade of green, it was honestly a
grisly seen to see my flesh come off with ease
my doctor tried telling me i
was only seeing things, he said “what do
you mean? thats just the light. its not green.”
i said “hell no! i got perfect eye sight,
and that **** aint right!”
he blew it off with a soft “pfft”
and just continued on with his shift
when i first got there a nurse asked
what happened to me, and i told
her the story of my fall from mid-air
as i listed al of my injuries, she sees how
lucky i am, and said “could’ve been worse.
could’ve gotten diabetes.”
i couldn’t say a word, i was so confused
at what i’d just heard. all i thought
was are you kidding me? am i hearing
this right? these are the people taking care
of my life? i didn’t know what to say,
just laughed it off and said, “wow, hadn’t
thought of it that way.”
i remember feeling so disgusting, sitting in
my own filth, yet they only felt
like discussing each pill they gave me
feel like they barely even washed me, used
like two or three hand wipes. i was
feeling hella musty
it was so embarrassing. i was doing PT
and got a whiff of the air passing
around the room. i remember thinking
why does it smell like ****? i took
one look down, and saw it all
over my ******* gown. they gave me
new clothes, and put the others to be
disposed. i confronted the nurse, i
learned thats a tactic that never actually works,
she treid to prove me wrong, she
checked and said “you see, nothing there”
“well clearly it wiped off on the other
pair.” and i pointed to the clothes bin
i had forgotten some dude came
in and emptied it out, then she
just looked at me, full of doubt
they made me feel like i was stupid
like i didn’t know what i was
talking about. i’ve never delt with
such incompetence, had me feeling like
i didn’t even matter. no wonder
i lost my self confidence