**** i done ****** up now. Everyone can
see that im a ******* clown. What was i
thinking? Made an *** of myself, guess these
are just the cards ive been dealt. cant trade two
out in hopes i get a better suit. But what am I
supposed to do when i got four 2s? If you play by the
rules, then a deuce can be wild. But sometimes you
cant play fair, gotta keep a spare card or two up
your sleeve, it may seem like cheating, but that
depends on how you wish to perceive it. too much
craziness and leave you feeling like you been exiled
from reality. when all of your stresses have sporadically
compiled in the back of your head, its a ****** tragedy
how easily those thoughts can spread, but never
have i once thought I'd be better off dead. Depression
and anxiety can be crippling, one thought leads to
multiple waves rippling and encrypting hateful data
to my brain. I feel like im sometimes missing the
capability to keep myself sane.

Somethings aren't always what they seem,
and just weren't meant to be. But i wish i
coulda seen things play out like they did in
my dreams.

Why cant i do the things i want? I got no ***** to put myself out there at all, it seems like i dont care but honestly its the only thing thats on my mind. Why cant i ******* find the courage to spit out the words and all my feelings. This self hatred is exceeding the acceptable boundaries. I ******* hate myself some times. I think the only way to unwind is through a blunt. But guess what, i smoke too much and my anxiety runs a ******* muck. I need to hit the mats.  I feel its the only way i can truly relax. I need to smoke and roll, thats just seems like its my only vice. But the untold place of my true happiness with through the touch of a woman. It seems like kind of an odd omen, cause i dont when and how to talk to em. When i think too much about it my anger boils up and theres no way around it. My dreams are foiled cause some how my subconscious is toiled in not letting myself find happiness. Its like i only seem to be comfortable when im stuck and smothered in some crappiness. But got **** its so hard to live with myself sometimes. Im emotionally worn out. All i can do is just cry

No matter how much has changed
One thing still remains the same
That all I know is pain
The physical
Felt like ive had spears driven through
My legs. Its like a plague that
Wont go away
The pain is so unbearable, I tell
My doctors and they don’t seem  
To care at all
My knees feel like they will buckle
With ease. My left feels so unstable
Im surprised im even able to walk
My right causes so much pain, it
Sometimes pauses me in my tracks
My wrists aren’t much better. Can
Barely lift a feather. Can’t swing
A bat, throw a punch, or lift weights
At that, without a shooting pain
In my radius. Feels like its gonna break
Again, and I truly am afraid of this.
My ankle is always sore, even
Though the bone isn’t dead anymore,
I fear itll collapse just walking in the store
The mental
I feel nothing but emptiness
My stomach and chest are nothing
But hollow pits. Wherever I go, I
Always feel like something is wrong
No matter who im with, always
Feels like I don’t belong.
Sometimes when I close my eyes,
I still see it, the spot where my
Body lies, and where I should have died.
The blood, the grass, the rocks, its
All so vivid. Since then ive lived
Life oh so timid. My struggles have
Exceeded its bearable limit. It
Brings a tear to my eye, but for
Some reason, I cant seem to cry

When I was younger, I wrote about
love and tranquility, no wonder cause
I felt so un-wrung and free. But over the
years you will see, a different pattern
of my thoughts and whats real to me, through
each one of these soliloquies. feels like I have
no one around to care for me. Getting really tired
of all this negativity. Self-doubt and loathing
unfortunately has taken its toll on me.
my mind has been polluted and diluted so much so,
leaving the past behind has no real possibility

I don’t know why I have a
Hard time overcoming my shyness
I recognize this especially
When I talk to the finest chick in class
But still I notice it even when
Someone I know walks pass
I cant figure out why its so
Hard for me to say hi
I feel a lot of it has to do with
My self image
In my mind I often scrimmage
Conversation I could or should have had
With the people I know
In my imagination everything
Feels so euphoric
I can get by in life with little
To no complication
Need to find an inspiration to get
Me out of my shell
Its like I’m cast under a spell
Which forbids me from leaving my cell
Trapped in solitary confinement
It feels like I’ve wasted my life away
Now I sit here and wonder just
Where the time went

Everywhere I go, I put on a mask
Nothing but fake smiles and laughs
To everyone that I pass, I do this so
My true emotions won’t show
Sometimes I forget the only task that I had
And leave my mask back at the pad
Revealing to everyone my apathetic tone
I tend to push people away
Not listening to what they may have to say
I dont let no one get to close, because I
Know when you do, that’s how they’ll hurt you the most