Hey baby girl.
You are so beautiful.
Your smile is striking.
I wish you believed it more.
I wish you smiled more.
Your body is perfect, trust me.
Your flaws, they are flawless.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry, I failed us.
Our hopes.
Our dreams.
It was that low self-esteem, you see.
That poor self confidence.
We thought we'd grow out of it.
Truth is, we never really did.
And it's part of the reason we didn't make it.
Not to where we thought we would anyways.
But I want you to know that, it's okay.
Your girl is still trying.
Still fighting.
We will get there.
We still have time.
I was scrolling through our old pictures,
When we thought we still had all the time in the world.
We had everything we needed right there and then.
But somehow, we ended up here.
Well everything happens for a reason right?
I'm just really sorry.
I wish you knew what we know now.
The value of time.
The time value of money.
I wish we made better decisions.
I wish we prayed more.
I wish we knew just how powerful our mind was.
I wish we had better control over our emotions and our thoughts.
I wish we over came our deepest fears.
But it's not the end.
We are still breathing.
So there's still a chance.
A lot of time has lapsed.
We have lost people we thought would be there forever.
I just wish, when you were going through all of it, I was there to hold you.
To tell you to let go of things and people that don't serve you.
To protect your energy.
To never dwell on your mistakes.
And tell you that in a few years, the pain will be better.
Not gone, just better.
It doesn't ever go away, you see.
We can't forget the experiences that really changed us.
And we can't turn back the time we have lost.
But if I was there back then, I'd tell you that it doesn't really matter.
That there's so much more to come.
So much more to learn.
So much more to live for.
I wish you'd have known just how special you were.
I wish you'd have trusted your instincts better.
Listened to that small voice from within.
Hey, maybe that was me all along!
Your older and wiser higher self.
Who knows?
I wish I taught you how to love yourself better.
Appreciate yourself.
Believe in yourself.
And go after your wildest dreams.
That you are the ultimate prize.
You are a force to be reckoned with.
You are a queen.
You are your greatest weapon.
You are your own super hero.
Well, like I said.
It's never too late.
We will get there.
Slowly but surely.

Love,
Older and wiser me.

For a thousand times,
I can't believe that it took me a thousand times,
To see that you are a thousand times not the man for me.
Maybe I don't love myself as much as I think I do,
Beause if I did, I would have ran a thousand miles away from you.
I would have stayed away from you a thousand times before,
Before I loved you a thousand times once more
As much as I want to kiss you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
Hold you a thousand times,
Make sweet love to you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
Love you for a thousand years,
And a thousand years more.
You are not the man for me!
It took me a thousand tears to see it,
And a thousand more heart bleeds to believe it.
It might take a thousand more years for me to move on, and a thousand years more.
But I will go on a thousand dates,
I will kiss a thousand frogs,
Until I meet the man for me.
A man a thousand times the man you will ever be.
Because, a thousand truths be told,
You were never meant for for me.
Not by a thousand long shots.
Not in a million thousand years,
And a million thousand years more.
I was foolish for a thousand years,
To ever think that you would love me for a thousand years.
Well here's to a thousand times of regret.
I will raise a thousand tequila shots.
You are not worth my time,
Not even a thousand half seconds.
I am letting you go a thousand times.
May I be free from you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
I despise you a thousand times,
For all the thousand lies.
Playing me a thousand times over and over.
You can bet a thousand bucks that it is over.
One hundred thousand times, I am done!
Forget the thousand times I crawled back to you.
Forget the thousand times I ran back into your arms once more.
I can do a thousand times better than you,
And a thousand times more.
You are dead to me for a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
For all the thousand times you've hurt me.
For all the thousand times you failed to put me first.
For all the thousand times I thought something was wrong with me,
I hope you burn a thousand times in a thousand hell fires.
For the first time in a thousand years
I choose to put me first,
For a thousand times and a thousand times more.
For I am a thousand times the woman worthy,
Of a man worth a thousand doses of my love.
Love wasted on you a thousand times,
And a thousand times more.
I deserve a thousand times more.
I am worth a thousand times more.

What does death smell like?
Like an infected wound,
Oozing pus,
Infested in fungus?
Like hopelessness,
Like giving up?
Like a burning cigarette?
Like a heart pounding,
In your throat,
From anxiety?
Like *****,
From a hangover,
From drinking the pain away.
Does it smell like,
Fresh sand,
After the one you loved,
Walked away from you.
Does it smell like,
Salty tears running down,
Your face?
Or like green mucus,
Running out of your nose,
From crying?
Maybe it smells,
Like,
A million eggs,
Laid by a large filthy fly.
Or like a badly written poem,
Like this one.
Or like walking in to the office,
Of the job you despise.
Maybe it smells like rotten fruits,
From the tree of your failed success.
Or like the small apartment you live in,
That you resent,
And hardly deep clean.
I bet death smells like,
The awful ***,
From one night stands.
Or like blood,
From a bad period.
Or like lung cancer.
Diabetes.
Depression.
Bird flu.
I bet death smells like death.

what a brutal exchange of words
between long time friends
we're each grabbing on to our sharpest knives
fighting for our dear lives
to the death
we used to be mates, till death
do us apart
yet here we are, torn apart
you're using what i told you hushedly
as amour to shred me
as you attack me
and continue to attack me
i'm in awe
we made a vow
i trusted you once
i loved you once
wholeheartedly so
but we're at war now, so
my sword is my words
i do not mean to cause wounds
only to teach
only to reach
out to you, the level of distress
the merciless mess
you have caused me
how did we get here?
when did we get here?
we cared for each other
did we not, care deeply for each other?
you said i used you, i'm to blame
did you not do the same?
your bruised male ego
stood no chance against
my female manipulation
i can be toxic beyond imagination
as we block one another,
i hope 'tis the last we e'er hurt each other
i hope we're even now
i hope we ne'er meet again
your words cut deeper than a blade to the skin
i don't curse you, you only longed to be seen
'tis not your fault i could ne'er love you
the way that you needed me to
'twas always romantic for you,
'twas always more platonic for me.
i'm sorry i couldn't feel
what you wanted me to feel
but your vile words
could split worlds
you can't resent me for something
beyond my control
the heart wants what it wants
and that was ne'er you
forget your vanity,
what about my dignity
you stripped of,
with your ruthless rumble?
it pierced deeper than a needle
it burnt worse than wildfire
i can't stop it from torturing my mind
i trusted you, old friend
you used my trauma against me
everything i told you late at night,
when it was just you and i,
about my dad who left me
my true love who walked out on me
how dare you say it was all my fault?
after all the hard work i've put in
to heal from the pain
how could you be so vain
you're dead to me from this day
on, may we n'ver cross paths again, come what may
alas, old friend

Swipe left,
If I'm not impressed.
If he's cute, swipe right.
Lust or love at first sight.
Doesn't even matter.
Can he even appreciate satire?
Can he hold a conversation?
Does he have a proper education?
Not just another ***** *******.
This is a game I've mastered.
Unmatch.
Detach.
Tell me who you are.
At least chase the cookie out of the jar.
Whether with words or just charm.
I can't magically fall under your arm.
Forget netflix and chill,
How about steak and grill?
Keep it real, or keep it moving.
Ain't here swiping for real loving.
But at least woo me,
Then maybe I'll let you see,
How bad I can really be.
Let you ride in the wet sea.
Yes, I want to fool around.
First, let's find common ground.
Who are you?
How are you?
Can you dance or you're just bluffing?
Are you looking for a fling or just a one time thing?
Can you deliver?
Don't lie just cause it's Tinder.
Last thing I need is another slump.
Don't lie and say you can ****.
Then waste my night with no ******,
And unmoved by my sarcasm.
Sure let's hook up,
But can you keep me up,
All night?
I'm thick and it's tight.
I like getting eaten.
I'm gluten free with extra meat in.

i don't want to give up,
most times i desire to.

i believe in myself,
not really.

i want to keep trying,
yet i don't really want to.

i want to live,
yet part of me doesn't really want to.

it's either or.
i'm constantly fighting for neither, nor.

i am neither there,
nor here.

i have the strength,
i'm also truly exhausted.

i have the faith,
yet i doubt everything.

i have what it takes,
yet i refuse to believe that at times.

i am happy,
yet unexplainably sad.

all these people around me,
yet i feel so alone.

what a cliché,
it's all been said before.

i am good.
seems i am not good enough.

i am brave as a soldier,
yet most nights i feel so afraid.

so afraid that i sleep with the lights on,
to eliminate the black fog that consumes my soul.

it smothers me,
like a grim mist, from dusk til dawn.

i don't even know what frightens me so much,
the demons and monsters are only in my head, nothing under the bed.

i want to drink ale and sleep my sorrows away, forget it all,
yet i want to stay sober and awake to experience it all.

i'd like pills that numb all these emotions,
yet i want to embrace all these moments.

at times i wish for an eternal slumber, i wonder why i was even born?
yet i wish to appreciate the life so freely given.

i am calm and collected,
yet anxiety eats away at me in the dark.

night by night,
bit by bit.

i'm scared soon enough,
there'll be nothing left.

no body, no bones.
just dust and broken thoughts.

unwritten words,
unsaid feelings.

lost forever,
forgotten.

i hope they will discover,
that it was anxiety who did it.

anxiety and her companion, depression.
some will call it overthinking.

little do they know,
what the pair is capable of.

how do i strike a balance?
stuck in different dimensions.

one positive Peter,
the other, negative Nelly.

drifting back and forth,
feeling up, falling down.

swimming,
then drowning.

i yearn to dwell in the light,
yet i prefer the darkness.

seems my life is an oxymoron,
it's pretty ugly.

yet another cliché,
maybe i'm the *****.

maybe i don't see,
what's right in front of me.

a perfectly imperfect existence.
an unstable balanced mind.

maybe i am overthinking.
maybe i am normal.