Father's bear lived in the shed
hidden from his family,
fed it when he had time off,
all alone, secretly,

One Tuesday, he had went away,
his boy had crossed the garden
and saw the bear, the bear saw him
and he ran back home screaming.

It was shame that stopped him from crying, telling anyone
about the bear that's locked away.
He didn't have the words to say...

And then one night at feeding time
Father had drank too much wine
and had forgot to lock the door
and left the bear wanting more...

At 10pm the bear broke free
and ate all my the family
as we lay asleep in bed
the hungry bear ripped off our heads.

Why couldn't he get rid of it?
It was very negligent.
But what is worse is we all knew
but didn't do what we had to do.

If I could sculpt one memory
I would sculpt your eyes

looking like an enemy looks
at their foe's demise.

Looking lavishly and certain.
Certain, like a child

looks underneath a Christmas tree
expecting surprise.

You were engaged when we first met.
Teenaged and exiled

and still my counterproposals
trigger sorry sighs.

Hammer attack surgeries,
Farmer controlled nurseries,
A Llama themed bakery
And a duck.

I see my gross reflection,
It stares right back at me
I think that I'm two people
It doesn't think: it's me!

Pete told me he killed someone
When he was a policeman
He was only 23
Him and PC Brooks got called to
number 1, consista court
Arthur was an 84
Year old naked grandad
Arms and legs were red raw
As he lay in the bath
Quietly groaning
His daughter was sobbing
And Pete remembers it all

Brooks and Pete they reassure
Tell him he's a right plonker
And Pete takes the shower head
Tests it first and showers him
With cold water on his legs
Skin peels in his hands
And Pete feels something
That won't ever go away.

It's ok, Pete.

Pete's proud of his daughter
Shows me her on his phone
She competes in gymnastics
On a balance beam doing back flips;
He's met Elton John
Was given a tour of his home,
He earns enough to get by
But wants to start a landscaping business.

"Vale. Bien. Me voy."
And looking into his eye,
letting him know how those rules have made me feel -
how they've made me ache.
How I despise his way of life -
how it's so inhuman to me
and I'll look at him like I look at something grotesque happening
that I know I can't change.
Or better even, look at him like a
dying animal in its death throes.
And then let him disappear in front of me -
banishing him to those dungeons
that are my memories best
                                                left
                                                       alone.

Stuck
Fraught
Distraught
by thoughts:
echoes of intentions unfought.
Stalled by feelings unseen.
Stoppable without skills or a team.
Where's my tribe where my body can breathe?
Where's my test where my body can heave
all the weight of the world for a time and seize
a moment alive to lift the seas
and blind the sun with ecstasy.