there's a strange intimacy
I think
in being someone's friend
or follower
on the internet
it's almost like saying
"i care about what you're doing
i care about what you say"
if only this same intimacy
existed in reality
if we could have followers
outside of electronics
maybe we'd be as kind and encouraging in reality
as we are online

i love when we're apart
i hate when we're together
i love when you break my heart
i hate when you smile in bad weather

i love when you don't let me speak
i hate when you act carefree
i love when you look at me like a freak
i hate when you call me "bee"

i love you because you hate me
i hate you because you love me

A lot of people are searching for happiness
They’re looking for it
They’re trying to find it in someone
Or something outside of themselves
Thats a fundamentalist thing
Happiness is something that you are
It comes from the way you think
We cannot choose the things that will happen to us
But we can choose the attitude we take
Towards anything that happens to us

You were red
And you liked me
Because I was blue
But then you touched me
And suddenly I was a lilac sky
And you decided
That purple
Just wasn’t for you

It couldn’t have been me
See?
The direction the spackle protrudes
A noisy neighbor?
An angry boyfriend?
I’ll never know, I wasn’t home.
I peer inside for a clue
No. I can’t see.
I reel, blind.
Like a film left out in the sun.
But its too late
My retinas, already scorched
With a permanent copy of the meaningless image
Its just a little hole, it wasn’t too bright
It was too deep, stretching forever
Into everything
A hole of infinite choices
I realize now that I wasn’t looking in
I was looking out
And he, on the other side, was looking in.

But he wasn’t looking at me.
Confused, I frantically glance at my surroundings
But my burnt eyes can no longer see color
Are there others in this room?
Are they talking?
Or are they simply poems on flat sheets of paper?
The sound of frantic scrolling playing tricks on my ears
The room begins to crinkle, closing in on me
The air I breathe dissipates before it reaches my lungs
I panic, there must be a way out!
It’s right there!
He’s right there!
Swallowing my fears, I reach out for him.

And I remember when I met him
It was so clear that he was the only one for me.
We both knew it, right away
And as the years went on, things got more difficult
We were faced with more challenges
I begged him to stay
Try to remember what we had at the beginning

He was charismatic, magnetic, electric, and everybody knew it
When he walked in
Every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him
He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself

I always got the sense that he became torn
Between being a good person, and
Missing out
On all of the opportunities that life could offer
A man as magnificent as him
And in that way I understood him

And I loved him
I loved him
I loved him
I loved him
And I still love him
I love him

Truth is, I liked him
well… like
I ended it with “ed”, but
If I’m being honest
The feeling is still very much present.

I like him
Liking people is weird
I’m just here
Swimming around in my own head
Wondering if this is just another one of my phases.

I go through people phases a lot
Some say it’s selfish
But I simply say it’s because I’m just… selective.

I get bored easily
The second someone stops showing interest
Or I don’t get a text back
My mind automatically concludes that,
They just aren’t interested
So, I move on.

But here I am
Weeks in
15 poems deep
and…
Many restless nights
Yet, he is still in the crook of my thoughts.

You’d think by now I’d just stop liking people
I know how it ends
It’s all the same
It all ends the same.

And, I’ve grown accustomed to it
Yet every time I develop one of these out-of-the-blue likings for someone
I never stop myself from the obvious.

I guess I’m okay with it
I guess I’m just used to the feeling of a constant let down
Maybe he is just like everyone else, but
Maybe not.