And I wrote...till it hurt...till everything made sense. .till my decisions were ones that I could erase and rewrite till the memories were the ones that I could read over till I was OK
It wasn't until last year that I realised that memories mean more to me than people do
It wasn't until that time I realised giving up on something meant more than just letting go...it was giving up the pieces of myself that I no longer wanted...the pieces that made me feel dead inside until I realised it was those that kept me alive!
Till I scratched every part of me that matters
Till I sat down and cried...not over my sadness but over my loss...
Till that little girl with big dreams was dead
Till she thought all her hopes away and let it escape her until there was nothing left but doubt
Till...well till she looked up and saw a face that she no longer recognised
She blamed herself...for everything that fell a part , everything that hurt, telling /forcing herself to keep it together when she knew she couldn't
Imagine...being so empty and not having anything left inside worth saving,  worth fighting for.
Till eventually it's not worth it all and the only way to escape...is too survive through it . In hopes of one day not feeling anything.
Till..well till she's able to open her eyes and breathe again.
Apologies is all she's ever known so when she's mentally gone...I hope you'll forgive her...till then. ..she stays..

I always let go…before they have a chance to ruin me, to tear me, to make me feel little
I am little in the way I think because I don’t know the way I am, how does one begin to learn about themselves when ME is a subject I hate studying.
I always let go, of my emotions, I let them roam free allowing them to break down everything I have worked so hard to build, everything that I kept behind a perfect face of smiles. I let it roam free hoping that one day it would do me good, that it will bring good but what part of my life has ever been good
I always let go…before you let go of me, before you find out that my broken pieces aren’t ones you can fix with a hug and a kiss, that my scars aren’t ones you can remove by a simple ‘’ I love you’’. Before you realise your part of the reason why…why everyone is part of the reason why I look at myself and think “I’ve never been good enough” There is a piece of me that breaks away every time I give my love away, my loyalty until there is none left for me.
I always let go, “its simpler that way” I say, as if I am trying to speak to the knot in my chest to stop pulling my heart, a heart where I thought each one of you belonged. But you didn’t …because when you left you didn’t respect it as a home, you slammed the door, lost the keys and never cleaned up. It was left *****, with broken windows allowing the cold air in. Don’t ask me why I no longer allow people in…I’m in for repairs.
I always let go, of myself…because I was too busy getting lost in you …wondering if you looked at me as if the stars in my eyes gave your life a whole new meaning…but it didn’t. it was just me. A story created in my head that was like a broken record in case I needed to play it back when life didn’t seem to play fair, the record got scratched because life never did play fair. It played until it broke until reality became a mystery that I myself didn’t even know the ending to.

Don’t ask me why I always let go…no one has given me a reason to hold on so until then, I will look at every moment as my last, shed a tear in hopes that this day won’t be my last, hold onto to you as if this touch will be my last…until eventually and inevitably…I LET GO.