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I am not beautiful.
I am not careful.
I am not hopeful.
I am doubtful.
I am comfortable.
fully aware ......
But who cares.
Its still me and all this I must bare.
I am hurting
I am sad
I feel like a small speck among other specks.
But as the adage goes.
"It is what it is"
I am greatful.
I am thankful.
I am wonderful.
Because I need to become.
I need to push through.
Although I do not want to.
I will keep walking.
I will keep my head down.
I will not open up to anyone or anything or give it my all again.
It's  sad.
But I am glad.
Fading out fast....
Of course built to last.
I asked if i could kiss your lips.
You reply no thank you I'm good.
There went my heart.....rips.

You kissed me before.
You touched me before.
You made love to me before.
Now no more.

I stare at the floor.
I look at the door.
I hurt to my core.

If I would have know.
If I just let you go.
If I ..If I...If....

Oh how I long for a kiss...bliss
Love ***** ya ya!
Everyday she wakes with a broken heart.
Everyday from the very start.
Everyday she lays awake.
Everyday she wonders why?
Everyday she cries.
Everyday she tries.
Everyday she says goodbye.
"Smile" he tells me.
I do.
Especially around him.
After spending so much time with narcissists.
It's kinda new.
To laugh.
He grabs my feet and tickles them til I'm laughing so hard that im almost screaming.
I am  more peaceful and have such a good time dreaming.
But ..yessss.  A but.
He will move on some day.
He has told me he will not stay.
He has big goals and plans that do not include me.
I will enjoy the moments he gives me.
The way I feel so free.
How I can just be me...
Although the tears sort of fall.
Im still having a ball.
He wondered why I no longer wanted his touch.
That I no longer held for him lust.
No kisses or trust.
Just my heart full of rust.
Feeling like I got left in the dust.
All because his hand raised , came down on me and then
Leaves behind just a sad girl......
I walked away knowing I must!
Abusive relationship.
I wondered....
I wandered...
Am I really lost in this world?
Or has the world lost me?
I thought...
I pondered...
Is this really real?
Am what im seeing  true?
I cryed..
I begged...
Yet it made no sense.
No difference.
I am still me..its all i will ever be.
And that's cool whith me!
It's 5am again.
I wake alone..but glad to sorta
I lay awake.
Either til 7am Or my little one comes to hug me.
They are learning to get ready on their own and be independent.
8am the bus stops and pulls away.
Back to my bed I lay .
Stay til the mail comes at 10 or 10:30..depending on the day.
Go to check it for any good news.
Again I lay.
Have i eaten yet?
I don't remember.
Its noon..I better get some grub in me.
So I don't fade away.
Let the dog out again.
Once more I lay.
Til  four..Thats when my babies come home.
I make snack..dinner and talk to them about their day.
Wishing all these feelings were not in my way.
Wishing I could  get back the hearing loss and it would stay.
Wishing the government would not take so long to tell me yes, you will get paid.
8 pm..Again I lay.
Closing my eyes to live this same day.
Depression. ..bipolar...reality really bites.
I fell too fast.
Although from the beginning it was not going to last.
I reached out my hand.
Hoping you would grab on.
But left to just stand.
Alone once again.
You tell me sweet words.
But they  really mean nothing.
You take me on dates..but its all just fake.
You Have work out of town.
But you don't call or text.
You let me fall.
And all I have is your word when you come home.
Deep down I know..but you make me feel like its all in my head.
Time to be strong.
Time to say no more.
Id rather be just with me.
For I hold that key.
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