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Feb 2020 · 108
hold on
Angela Baerthel Feb 2020
You're the one who saw me through all the good
and most of   the bad.
A summer's rain. A winter's kiss.
All of these things I would never miss.
You're the one who held my hand.
Through the times I laughed.
Times I've cried and all the times I thought I would have died.
Your smile makes me wonder. But then again you also bring the thunder.
My love for you is forever and true.
So please baby I hope you are never blue.
I stand with you as our lives go on.
A spring time love. An autumn hug.
As you fall to sleep.
I'll be within your dreams,
And remember I'm here to please.
Have no fear. I'll always be near.
I know you have the cure.
To love you is grand.
I will always be your number one fan!
Dec 2018 · 173
Sip
Angela Baerthel Dec 2018
Sip
Just one sip.
The taste on my lips.
Just make it quick.
Don't make yourself tip.
Just one ****.
Make a joke.
Just say nope.
I've got hope
I'm no dope.
I've learned how to cope.
2 years sobriety
Dec 2018 · 428
Everyday
Angela Baerthel Dec 2018
Everyday she wakes with a broken heart.
Everyday from the very start.
Everyday she lays awake.
Everyday she wonders why?
Everyday she cries.
Everyday she tries.
Everyday she says goodbye.
Nov 2018 · 396
A kiss
Angela Baerthel Nov 2018
I asked if i could kiss your lips.
You reply no thank you I'm good.
There went my heart.....rips.

You kissed me before.
You touched me before.
You made love to me before.
Now no more.

I stare at the floor.
I look at the door.
I hurt to my core.

If I would have know.
If I just let you go.
If I ..If I...If....

Oh how I long for a kiss...bliss
Love ***** ya ya!
Nov 2018 · 139
Today
Angela Baerthel Nov 2018
Today..I'm not fading away.
Today..I am ok.
No tears rolling down my face.
No sad thoughts running through my brain.
Oh..come on who am i kidding.
My ups and downs and rapid cycling of emotions are terrifiing.
Smile on my lips.

SCREAMING
LAUGHING
CRYING

Inside...
Today my mind is making up stories that are not real...or maybe they are.
I am too far gone.
Singing to my self  some songs.
Oh well...so long..
Bipolar disorder is real..
Apr 2018 · 247
I thought I am
Angela Baerthel Apr 2018
I am not beautiful.
I am not careful.
I am not hopeful.
I am doubtful.
I am comfortable.
fully aware ......
But who cares.
Its still me and all this I must bare.
I am hurting
I am sad
I feel like a small speck among other specks.
But as the adage goes.
"It is what it is"
I am greatful.
I am thankful.
I am wonderful.
Because I need to become.
I need to push through.
Although I do not want to.
I will keep walking.
I will keep my head down.
I will not open up to anyone or anything or give it my all again.
It's  sad.
But I am glad.
Fading out fast....
Of course built to last.
Mar 2018 · 149
Morning tales
Angela Baerthel Mar 2018
She fights every day to get out of bed.
She fights each day with the demons in her head.
Looking back she's glad to to see how far her lessons have lead.
But still fighting to get ahead.
Let go of the past.
Let it go..let it go.
She tries.
But something always stops her and says no!
I just don't know.
One day i will see..
One day i will be finally free. ..
Mar 2018 · 125
Missing
Angela Baerthel Mar 2018
I miss..
Fingers through my hair..maybe even a little tug or two.
A soft caress across my face.
Lips upon mine..a fun war of the tongues.
Light brushs quickly on my chest.
Gently rub my behind and thighs.
Finding hot spot.
Pushing for that high.
Loving myself is grand.
Cuddling with my fuzzy pillow.
Pretending I'm not all alone.
Yes i can love me.
But I would rather let someone else
Share it with me.
Connection
Feb 2018 · 173
Too fast. .
Angela Baerthel Feb 2018
I fell too fast.
Although from the beginning it was not going to last.
I reached out my hand.
Hoping you would grab on.
But left to just stand.
Alone once again.
You tell me sweet words.
But they  really mean nothing.
You take me on dates..but its all just fake.
You Have work out of town.
But you don't call or text.
You let me fall.
And all I have is your word when you come home.
Deep down I know..but you make me feel like its all in my head.
Time to be strong.
Time to say no more.
Id rather be just with me.
For I hold that key.
Feb 2018 · 117
I wake
Angela Baerthel Feb 2018
It's 5am again.
I wake alone..but glad to sorta
I lay awake.
Either til 7am Or my little one comes to hug me.
They are learning to get ready on their own and be independent.
8am the bus stops and pulls away.
Back to my bed I lay .
Stay til the mail comes at 10 or 10:30..depending on the day.
Go to check it for any good news.
Again I lay.
Have i eaten yet?
I don't remember.
Its noon..I better get some grub in me.
So I don't fade away.
Let the dog out again.
Once more I lay.
Til  four..Thats when my babies come home.
I make snack..dinner and talk to them about their day.
Wishing all these feelings were not in my way.
Wishing I could  get back the hearing loss and it would stay.
Wishing the government would not take so long to tell me yes, you will get paid.
8 pm..Again I lay.
Closing my eyes to live this same day.
Depression. ..bipolar...reality really bites.
Feb 2018 · 134
Oh..what?
Angela Baerthel Feb 2018
I wondered....
I wandered...
Am I really lost in this world?
Or has the world lost me?
I thought...
I pondered...
Is this really real?
Am what im seeing  true?
I cryed..
I begged...
Yet it made no sense.
No difference.
I am still me..its all i will ever be.
And that's cool whith me!
Jan 2018 · 155
No more please...
Angela Baerthel Jan 2018
He wondered why I no longer wanted his touch.
That I no longer held for him lust.
No kisses or trust.
Just my heart full of rust.
Feeling like I got left in the dust.
All because his hand raised , came down on me and then
"BUST"
Leaves behind just a sad girl......
I walked away knowing I must!
Abusive relationship.
Dec 2017 · 278
Limited time deal
Angela Baerthel Dec 2017
"Smile" he tells me.
I do.
Especially around him.
After spending so much time with narcissists.
It's kinda new.
To smile..to laugh.
He grabs my feet and tickles them til I'm laughing so hard that im almost screaming.
I am  more peaceful and have such a good time dreaming.
But ..yessss.  A but.
He will move on some day.
He has told me he will not stay.
He has big goals and plans that do not include me.
I will enjoy the moments he gives me.
The way I feel so free.
How I can just be me...
Although the tears sort of fall.
Im still having a ball.
Dec 2017 · 251
Late night blues
Angela Baerthel Dec 2017
Its been one year.
Our friendship has grown.
But yet you don't want to bone.

You have shown me the world.
One I've never known.
But I feel all alone.

You hold my hand.
You hug me close.
You cuddle next to me.
And rub your feet with mine.

But not one kiss.
Not a slow caress.
A Tug of my hair.

But I do care.
You been here for me.
Cheering me on through my sobriety.

But I  want you to touch my body.
I want to feel the fire...the lust!
But if I bring it up..Its just a bust...

I'll just sit at this table eating my pecan pie with the sweet crust!
Missing the connection
Dec 2017 · 299
Birthday wishes
Angela Baerthel Dec 2017
Today is the day of my birth.
Should be able to smile.
Should be a joyful day.
With friends and family all around.
With my feet touching the ground , moving to the sound of the beats.
A sweet treat to share.
A heart full of cares.
But instead I get lost in the stare.
The past comes up again and I expect nothing.
Its just another day in my life
Still not a wife.
Still cuts like a knife.
Reality just ****** bites.
But I do have One thing!
My sobriety.
With which is a everyday fight.
But Whatever.  Better late than never!
Happy Birthday!
Dec 2017 · 196
The Credit score
Angela Baerthel Dec 2017
Is it over yet?
Has it come to a close?
My days off are long. ..too long.
Im getting ready to be whole.
Whilst digging my way out of the deep dark hole of myself.
Radical Acceptance they pour into me.
It's all sureal and doubtful.
Going against the very gain in which I believe.
There is so much we can yet achieve.
But we are just tools .
To move as they please.
I've been fighting forever to not be one of These...
Getting more tired each day of the games we have to play with Those.
To just have a small piece of peace..
grr and ****
Dec 2017 · 150
Christmas something
Angela Baerthel Dec 2017
Good Morning America!
Smile bright!
Its the Catholic Church Holiday.
They choose the day of his birthday.
We all ..well most of us ..get the day off
of slavery. .opps I meant work.
To be with family and friends.
To get through the day and not cry.
To not fight.
To not tell that aunt to just *******.
Enjoy a variety of generous foods.
Stuffing our bellies and singing the blues.
Watching the kids smile as they open their gifts.
That they all had on their wish list.
Seeing my kids  get paper bags of socks.
While the others get the larger big box.
I truly tryed..but finally said goodbye!
Now we
Celebrate
without them
New traditions.
Bright new starts...where no one falls apart..
Merry Christmas to you and all your good hearts!
i  dont like pretenders...
Dec 2017 · 234
Stealing is a Felony
Angela Baerthel Dec 2017
I stand on the outside looking in.
Im standing looking from the outside
wondering why?
Wondering why I can't open your eyes.
Seeing things in a different light.
Looking at it brought me laughter!
To others it brings anger.
No matter the words they threw at me.
I just could not stop.
I smiled and stood my ground.
I walked away and ignored those sounds.
being poor sometimes brings a different reaction. .
Dec 2017 · 221
Walk on..
Angela Baerthel Dec 2017
Today's I ask why is there hate?
Why is it to some such a fate?
walk on... walk on...
Today I ask why are there so many who are poor?
Why do so many close that door?
walk on... walk on...
Do not say you're sorry!
Do not say you care!
For your fake words are too much to bare.
Never seems fair.
walk on... walk on...
Face the world with your eyes open wide!  
Always remember it's never good-bye. walk on...walk on...
Fake support and fake people
Nov 2017 · 145
Continues on...
Angela Baerthel Nov 2017
By the age of twelve
She was leveled off
By four young boys who were curious as hell
Covered her mouth told not to yell
Once again told not to tell
All around her they wondered what or why she fell
A story that's hard to sell
Another step into this shell
Her mid spinning
The one where she learned to take all the blame
No longer tame
Only shamed
To think that to some life's just a game
So began a life of despair
Beyond repair
No longer cares
No one with who to share.
****
Nov 2017 · 145
Vroom...Vroom!
Angela Baerthel Nov 2017
Hey, little lady, let's go for a ride.
There truly is a way to fly...
All around nothing but sky...
Don't worry baby, let's not be shy....
You'll do fine.
You will love it in time...
Of course it took none...
ONCE...
I was done.
Got a hold of it when I was young.
Not understood by some....
Hair carried by the wind...
Sometimes the sun burning you like sin.
Vibrating my soul....
But a full on win...
All the way to the end my dear friend.
Her 1st ride on a Harley with daddy at 8
Angela Baerthel Nov 2017
She don't come from riches,
but from love.
Better than anything from below or above.
Love is where, is here.
Difficult but without FEAR.
The random, the cure.
You know for sure,
Never a blur.
Together a community that has always stuck, looking out for one another, when down on your luck.
She knows how to be free and filled her cup.
Liquid and smoke....
The meeting of many blokes and folks, the telling of jokes.
She copes because of hope.
The rumbles through the streets, sometime woke you from your sleep.
She got your *** beat..gave you sore *** feet.
Danced and played for keeps.
Got her freak on beneath the sheets.
Waved good-bye and cryed.
Not by choice, but because of the loud voices of to much noise and big boy toys.
From an illiterate father, who made his living, was now being a bother.
Now she's grown six feet tall.
But hit a wall, turned around and there she is to show us all.
No where else has there ever been, not even close say most..
Missing her every once in a while.
It starts to itch.
I get this twitch.
Make a wish, blow her a kiss, oh my god baby you deserve so much more.
Never keeping score.
When I am right here, I am clean.
Feeling like a Queen
All once upon a dream.
Never leaves your side, no matter where you ride or try to hide.
You keep her with you all inside.
SHHHHHH........
Listen.....Did you hear?
*******...I grew up on rice street!
(Ladies and gentle men....I grew up on rice street)
Nov 2017 · 237
The start
Angela Baerthel Nov 2017
When she was a young girl of eight.
She learned things that are of great debate.
She wished she could have escaped. But was taught much too late.
Was this her fate?
Her young life taking shape.
Already so much upon her plate.
Leaving  you to contemplate.
She licked you here.. she touched you where?
Shhh ...Don't say a word.
No worries she will never tell.
On and on.
Here and there.
It was something she loved well.
Nothing bad she thought.
But being afraid of getting caught.
Then it stopped.
Her young mind confused.
She just popped
At such a young age already just used.
Not seeing that it as abuse.
Blaming herself with no one to help her choose.
Who is to blame?
Should there be shame?
what did she lose...
Childhood ****** abuse
Nov 2017 · 128
Summer 2013
Angela Baerthel Nov 2017
Life moves sometimes fast
                               Too fast.
                                     So fast.
Woke up one day to see dreams in front of me.
                                Ripped apart.
Still only a plan.
Times always fade. Love will always
                       NEVER
Be swayed.
O was I glad he stayed.  Thought I was so brave.
You stood so tall.
                        NEVER
Would I let you fall.  But it was all just a big stall.
I should have
                        NEVER
Answered the call.
Nov 2017 · 136
Grab on..
Angela Baerthel Nov 2017
Peace
Love
Hope
Keep
See
Live
Cry
Hold on
Faded
Jaded
Outdated
Overrated
Complicated
Deceived
Hurt
Found
Lost
Gone....

STAND
Nov 2017 · 112
Roads broken paths
Angela Baerthel Nov 2017
Some may live their lives at the roll of the dice.
Me? I think twice.
Made a left turn.
When it should have been a right.
Maybe straight back?
My light shines bright for the only one that is true.
It's right above you and all around.
Key to life is a whole lot of love..
Been beat down, fallen to the ground.
As arrows flew past to do just that.
Age is truly a gift as the knowledge grows and the harmony flows.
At the end of my rope with my life. Feeling crazy and lost.
The  beginning of an exit to a violent domestic relationship.
Nov 2017 · 225
Race to what end?
Angela Baerthel Nov 2017
Does not matter if you think you are the best.
We all have the same test.
In the end we are all like the rest
No matter your quest.
None of us better or less.
Sitting at a desk.
We are all just guests!
In all of this great big mess..
Hopefully having enough for our empty nest.
Some people think " Oh my, such a pest!"
When someone doesn't follow along and continue to the west.
Me I just hope somewhere along the line ..while on your journey.  
You fill your life with zest as you continue your quest!
The hurry up and get there syndrome
Oct 2017 · 488
Mother Earth
Angela Baerthel Oct 2017
I greet you in the cold morning.
You speak to me of your beat.
As I take my first breath with you and it tastes sweet .
Your wind is love.
Always showing me the way to where I should or could be.
You bring me to my knees.
I just freeze.
Your sand in my toes and all of the trees lined up and pretty little rows. Just goes to show you we all seem like foes.
Your sky unpredictable.
People act so despicable.
Pour down your anger or give us a gentle Kiss of the good night light. Block it all out.
Some days you just might!
Your colors are changing all around from the very top to the very bottom.
I reach out to you and you always always reach back.
2013
Oct 2017 · 356
The broken pieces
Angela Baerthel Oct 2017
She feels all alone.
Although you stand right in front of her.
Most days life is too much, she gets lost in the stare.
Yet, she knows how much you care.
It may not seem fair.
Yet, she knows you were there.
Real love, not just illusion, not just confusion.
She holds on to it tight but pushes away once more.
She's broken.
She's crazy.
She's messed up all over again.
Don't act so happy.
Don't have too much fun.
This fight ain't done.
Where you going how long?
Not an extra minute to spare.
Don't you dare!
To share with another something then this other.
She reaches out to hold you.
But you may not compare
Yet again, not fair.
He screams and he yells until one day her heart fell.
Now only a shell of the woman she thought she once was.
Free to be whatever it was she wanted to be.
She has seemed to forgotten what it was.
She no longer sees.
All along she's held that key.
Yet, here she stands so silently.
Quiet and still.
Wishing for her heart to start.
Instead of falling apart.
Waiting for him to just understand his part.
Awake, awake, awake I am.
Just between now and then.
I have given it my all!
I swear!
It's not fair!
But now, it's no longer hers to bare.

— The End —