Britni Ann

Britni Ann Jun 2019

We search for meaning in anything we can find to take away our pain.
The pain that won't seem to go away no matter what we do.
And it's not even the pain, but the fear that seems to protect us from it.
It's the reason I can't make new friends for the fear of not being good enough.
It's the reason she can't eat a meal more than a hundred calories for the fear of being judged.
It's the reason she, even at twenty years old, can't sleep without a night light, for the fear of not just the dark but the loneliness, and void the dark brings with it.
It's the reason she doesn't like being touched because of the way he touched her when she could just barely walk.
It's the reason why he wakes up to new girls every morning because he's afraid that a real relationship means he has to let someone in.
We look to anything we can to take away the pain for just a moment so we can breathe without the weight of the world on our shoulders.
Because there has to be a purpose for all this pain in the world.
If we are here to simply live, feel, and die… is it all for nothing?

Britni Ann May 2019

47 Calories

“I used to count stars.” She said with tears flooding her eyes and a half eaten apple in her hand.

Britni Ann May 2019

Beautiful Mess

You are a perfectly jumbled up mess.
One that hurts
Laughs
Cries
And rejoices.
You are not made for perfection.
You are made to feel.
And that in itself is pretty **** beautiful.

Britni Ann May 2019

You Are A Star

You, my love, have the stars in your eyes.
You're a dreamer,
A fighter,
A warrior.
You have been through hell and back,
Yet you speak with so much grace
Your smile alone makes flowers bloom.
You make the stars shine.

Britni Ann May 2019

When Did The World Change?

Where did it go all wrong?
Where did our sincerity go?
When did we stop caring?
Where did all the love go?
I used to count flower petals and rocks
Now I count calories and stop before I get to a thousand.
He used to play outside and climb trees
Now he can't get out of bed because the weight of his depression is holding him hostage.
We used to talk and ask how we were feeling and would tackle our problems together.
Now when we ask “ how are you?” we pray that they just say, “I’m doing good.” So we don't have to act like we care.
She used to love ponies and computer games, we would play until dark.
Now she enters loveless relationships and waits for her to break her before she feels like she can leave and find someone new.
When did the world change?
When did we decide to grow up?

Britni Ann May 2019

Moving On

So I ask.
Please do not wait for me.
Because while you will be stuck in the game that it is
I will be free, moving, and experiencing new things.
I do not want you to be so consumed with hope that when it fails you it also destroys you.
Trust me. I have waited.
And I have been crushed by the entity of time with no hope of return.
I am just finding my way back.
And I won't let that cycle reach you too.

Britni Ann May 2019

Endless doubt

The truth is, is that I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that one day in twenty years you’ll wake up and you’ll be tired of me.
That you won't be excited to see me anymore.
I'm afraid of giving you my all because if I do and you decide to walk away you’ll take all that I have.
That's why I hang on, and every time you tell me that you will never leave.
There's a voice in my head that whispers “He's going to leave you eventually."
So I smile and nod, and try to let myself believe that what you say is true.
But this endless doubt that runs through my head makes it impossible.