I feel fat!
        I shouldn't have eaten that chocolate bar...
         So... that's that!
        What's that expression?
        A moment on the lips
        A lifetime on the hips
        Who cares it was yummy!
         And I couldn't give a ****!...

******* is like a drug to you're average male...
                Women just don't get it... but to no avail..
                It stares back at you everywhere you look
                In shops, online. And in glossy books it's women that" squirt???"
            And men with big *****....
            Quick pass the sick bucket....
           I'm gonna be sick!
         Milfs and babes...
              And men on men
        Come on girls now lets not pretend....?
         We've all sneaked a look
         When no ones around..
        Not much storyline
          Just a lot of sound!
         ******* and *******
           Squelching and grunts
      Women shouting... oh ****
         I think I'm gonna c..m!
          *** in the garden
            *** by the pool
       *** in the kitchen...
       Perched on a stool
     Secretaries,nurses
      School girls, nuns
        Actresses, gym babes
       Even prisoners on the run?!
         It just gets sillier
As the camera runs...
     The women staring blankly
Shouting " ooh" and ""ahh"
Filming every orifice
    Now that's gone too far!
      The world is a mans oyster
      He can pick and choose
        But if you're a woman...
         You know you're going to lose.....

" I don't like lizard mum"
                   Is you're plaintive cry...
                   As we go to visit you're auntie di's
                    " she always cooks liver and rice"
                    " dont be ungrateful, she's just being nice!"
                      " it gives me a break
                         From cooking a meal"
                         "Just eat up and smile
                           That's part of the deal!!"
                          It's a weekly ritual
                       That I grin and bear.
                       That's the price l pay for showing I care
                       " it's not fair.." " you don't care!"
                        I stare...you glare....
                     " but we don't like lizard mum!!...
                           " it's not fair!
                              I despair!....

It was an ordinary day ,in every way
I made you your breakfast
But you chucked it away.?

Putting your coat on in silence...
You closed the front door
  I didn’t think then
I wouldn’t see you anymore
  
You went to the park instead of work.
At the end of this day
A mother would hurt..
For you would ****** a child
You’d studied for weeks
Chatting away to them
And giving them sweets..

Until one day.....
You could stand it no more
And you grabbed her hand
Then started to walk..
  
Your car was parked at the end of the road..
The child was content..
In fact quite composed..
But she would be of course..
As she knew you well..
Knew the line of you face
Because you’d groomed her so well..
She put her little hand in yours
Totally trusting
And so in awe..
  
The police car drew up
At the house by the park
Where a little girl was snatched
Before it went dark..
How many people were in the park today?
When a child was abducted
And taken away...

He stood at the door as he showed me his badge..
And looking back now..
Thought he looked rather sad..
“Have you seen your husband?
Do you know where he is”?
“ we need to question him?
“ urgently” you said..
“ he’s at work?
Why wouldn’t he be”?( l said)
“ and later he’ll be home
And I will cook our tea”...
“ what’s this about”?
I said...
“ what has he done”?
“ A child’s been abducted from the park today”
7 years old and tiny for her age..
“ we just want to question him at this stage”
( you said)
“ do you mind If we wait until he gets back?”
But by then you would have smothered her
In a rented flat..
Disposed of her body in a plastic sack
And driven away...
At the end of what started
As an ordinary day......

I've got a fungus!
       That's invaded my nails
      They've gone all green!!
      And it makes me want to wail!
        My sons weddings in July
         And I wanted to look so fab..
     But my poor little finger nails
       Are looking so sad...
       Two of them are looking very loose
        Like when you're 7 and missing
         You're front tooth..  
     But... gel nails are a girls best friend!
      So I'll still look glam
     At the wedding in the end!.

I think I'm a nymphomaniac?
             I can't leave *** alone!
               Whether it's text ***
                Or on the phone
                We're at it like rabbits...
                  In the bedroom
                   In the hall
            Varieties the spice of life
            I'll just take it all!
            In the garden
               In the lift
                Under the table
            On top of a cliff...
       It's an endorphin hit
         As long as I am active....
         And he's young and fit!!....

To all single mothers who did their best
Who shouted “have you cleaned your teeth
Put on a new vest”?
Who served them a meal,when they’d just like a rest!
Shined your shoes
And buttoned your coat
Unclamped you’re mouth
To put medicine down your throat
“Do your homework”
Is your usual chant...
    
When you’re tucked up in bed
I climb down the stairs.
Open a bottle of wine
I’ll just have the one?
It’s so hard sometimes
Being a single mum ....

Eye candy for every man??
        I think not!!
     You're house is ***** and span
Do you have any room for a man?
         Poor Pam..
  You're carpets are spotless..
     You're cooker pristine...
But asking someone
To cover their shoes?
   With plastic slip ons...
    Is the funniest thing I've ever seen!
      I'm not being mean
      But seriously? get reall!!
And Pam....
   Get yourself a man...!

" got any gingers ger" you'd say
                            In you're crude Bristolian way
                             "City did alright today!"
                              Draught bass, skittles
                               Stilton, and port wine..
                               Were just a few...
                               Of you're favourite pastimes
                                You're woolly hat
                                And yer funky bike
                                 Oh my god
                                " what are you like"!!

I looked down at the couple,and watched them intently..
        As  they sat on the sofa..
      I felt anxious,which was a new feeling l hadn’t experienced before..
    Why do I feel this rising panic and impending doom?
     I don’t like it..
feeling this emotion and looking down at the woman, l feared for her..
Suddenly the man was shouting, and lashed out,striking the woman hard in the face..l felt anger..l loved the woman..
  And with all my strength l ripped myself away from the wall
Landing on the man smashing him with my shards that cut like razors and stabbed at his skin tearing it...
“ that will teach you” l said..
     “ don’t touch her...she’s mine” .......

The times running out
             And nothing as yet!?
         A shoe box is probably all I'll get..
            A delightful Dez Rez is how it's blurbed
            At £550per cal, now don't be absurd.  
          I scan the papers for the property slot
           This one says, " quant"? But it's not!
          One with a bath, would be kinda nice?"
       Something manageable, along with the price!
        So when next you see me...
        Selling the big issue on the street!
          ( spare a thought)
                I get an eat and you get a read!
              As I'm bundled of to court!.

" you're drop dead gorgeous"!
               I proclaim with a sigh...
           That handsome face, and a gleam in you're eye!
          Tanned, toned body, and strong **** thighs
               The apple of some mothers eye..
         Masculine physique and broad smooth chest...
               ( oh my stretch marks!)
              They look such a mess...
              6ft 3 in you're bare feet
             Face like an angel
              That would make you weep
               And even though I'm in my prime
             Oh boy! Am I gonna have a good time!!

As we boarded the train
                           You, with a six pack in you're hand.
                           I knew that very minute
                         That our" wedding night was ******!
                           To Dover for our honeymoon.
                           Oh what a great delight!
                            My sister said " don't marry him"!
                             And now I know she's right!
                        " just got married to day mate"( he shouted)
                          The porter gave a glare...
                          " you're not allowed to smoke sir"
                             " it's a non smoking here"
                              As he gave an angry stare...
                              You look across the table
                            With that gormless grin
                          This wasn't quite the way
                      I thought our marriage would begin.!!

I am overwhelmed with emotion
                       Like a bottle of coke...
                       Waiting to be shaken
                       It pours out of me
                       Like an eruption
                       I have no self control
                       I'm shaking...

" did you know you're a *******?"
                  With you're pale blonde hair..
                  You're film star looks
                  And you're fixed icy stare..
                 You're perfect white teeth.        
               And you're charming smile..
              You really had me fooled
               There, for a while...
              And oh how I loved you...
              God it's not fair..
             But when I looked into you're eyes
             There was nobody there..
            Mr lights, camera, action!
           " is my hair alright?"
            And we were only going to the pub that night!
           "Is that a spot on my face?"
            I hear you say...
          " do you think it will clear up on the day?"
            " darling what shirt do you think I should wear?"
              " quite frankly darling,..."
              l don't really care!!...

The come and go man
    Catch him if you can....
       If you're quick enough
          You'll see him scram....
               Down you're stairs...
                  And out to his car...
                     And out of you're life...
                        Which means, "VERY FAR!!!
                           He'll take his wine..
                              Which he bought you..
                                                           As a gift
              Then when he's done with you...
                He'll leave you feeling ******!
                         Away into the night he goes...
                        " catch me if you can"!
                     He's the come and go man...
              Shouting " catch me if you can"!

When you told me you'd phoned him
                  I held my breath....
                  How many years is it
                   Since steves death?
                   Twenty odd years now..
                     Yet it still makes me cry
                     We've both moved on now
                         And got on with our lives...
                                 You and l.
                     Who were both once his wives
                          Oh how he'd laugh!
                      As we get out the knives...
                           You still the" *****"
                          And me the " poor cow"
                   I wonder who's having the last laugh now?...

The man in the moon
                       With his cheesy smile
                       Lights up the dark night
                       And gives hope for a while
                        
                       I look from my window
                        At the stars
                       And through my telescope
                          You give me a wink
                        

                       What's it like living up there?
                        Which makes me think...
                           Are you lonely
                        All on you're own?
                       With no one to care for you
                       All alone in you're home..
                        
                      Wouldn't you like a mrs moon
                          To care for you?
                        And feed you cheese with a spoon!...

" I'm not a fluffy bunny type?"
         I commented to a girlfriend
           Over coffee one day
           " what you"?
        She replied in fits of laughter
        " hell no" she said
           " you're a foxy lady"!..

The fascination, of the younger male...
          Strong fit bodies
         Hearty and hale!
          Finely tuned physiques
         With engines that rev...
      And a whole lotta fun...
    When their sharing you're bed!..

If wasting time were a crime
                They should do time...
         Endless, mindless messages
            That go on from 9 til 5
             Then 6 til 10
          Until you tell them when?
               YES! I will meet you for a drink!
          " how about Saturday?"
             " what do you think?"
              " yeah.. saturdays great!"
               Well I guess that's a date!
               Saturday comes, and Saturday goes...
              Cos. When I turned up
              You didn't show??
                TIME WASTER!!!!

I am a cougar and I'm 65
     With a high *** drive
*** is sooo... exciting
   And I think it's here to stay...
I have to have my fix....
  There is no other way!
From 30 something males
Is the age that seems to fit...
  Young/ handsome/virile...
With bodies to match...
Hand me my fishing rod..
I think I've got a catch!!....

" l'm getting in a mood now"
                    " I'm in a mood " you glared
                   As you stomped you're feet
                   All the way up the stairs!
            " go and change you're school clothes"
                       " do it right now!!"
                   " you never tell jess off.. and she's a little cow!"
                   " right!... it's no tea for you tonight!"
                     " you'll go to bed instead!"
                       I wished l knew the cunning plans
                          You're scheming in you're head?
                              Then all of a sudden...
                             There's a blood curdling cry!...
                            As you decide the time has come
                                To teach the cat to fly!...

" I've just had *** with an unavailable man"
    Whose life is very busy right now....
      But he'll text me when he can...
        If I had a fiver
       Each time I've heard that line
      It would stop me from wasting
              My valuable time!
          You're expected to slot into their busy life
               Feed their alter ego
                 Endulge their every vice
                 Playing second fiddle
               Means you never get to win
              When all you'd really like
              Is a little time with him
               You're feelings and emotions
                 Don't feature in his life...
                  He just wants  some excitement
                   In his boring little life...
                    Maybe I should just call time
                     Or maybe ring up his wife?....

                   In hi

Allessandro, allessandro
           I want to tango...
        As you smoulder across the floor
          Allessandro, allessandro
         Let's make love tonight.
       Until I beg for more
Allessandro, allessandro
         Its you I adore!
        I am under you're spell
         Can't you tell?
        Allessandro, allessandro
       You know me soooo...well
       Allessandro, allessandro
     I hunger for you're kiss
And when you aren't with me
  It's the passion that I miss..
When you wrap you're arms around me
   And you hold me until dawn..
       A tangle of bodies
Are clothes strewn on the floor...
Allessandro, allessandro
   Its you I adore.....

" are you there babe"?
         "Do you wanna play?"
            I'm having some me time
            Oh do GO AWAY!!
             " hi gorgeous..."
                " you look fit and hot"!
                   unlike you're photo
                       "Babe"
                   As youre definitely not!...

I'm a cheap hotel room
                   With a story to tell
                    I look pretty shabby
                   And I'm not very well
                    I'm used and abused
                    My paintwork is old
                   The owner keeps the heating low
                        And I'm constantly cold!...

                        My tap in my ensuite
                      Monotonously drips
                     I'm fed up with the couples
                   Who use me for naughty day trips!
                     They scuff up my skirting boards
                          And trample on my bed
                        They lounge in my armchair
                         But it's the children I dread!


                     I'd love to be modern
                  All streamlined shiny- new
                  Please tell my owners
                    As they haven't got a clue?



           My windows are grimy
            And my carpet too
         Oh!.. don't go into my toilet
          As there's a crack in my loo!
            

           I want to be boutique
          Urban and cool
         With french windows, verandah
          Leading down to a pool



        But , alas, l am a sad little room
        Like a rose that has blossomed
         But now.. lost its bloom....

It was an ordinary day .. in every way
   I cooked you're breakfast for you
But you chucked it away?
Putting you're coat on in silence
You closed the front door
I didn't think then
I wouldn't see you anymore...
You went to the park
Instead of work..
   At the end of this day .. a mother would hurt..
  For you would ****** a child..
    You'd studied for weeks..
     Chatting away to her
     Feeding her sweets
Until one day.....
You could stand it no more
And you grabbed her hand
And started to walk..
You're car was parked at the end of the road..
    The child was content..
    In fact quite composed..
But she would be.... of course
As she knew you well..
  Knew the line of you're face
And how you smelt
She put her little hand in youres
Totally trusting.. and totally in awe...
  The police car drew up at the house by the park..
   Where a little girl was snatched
     But it was dark..
    How many people were in the park today
      When a child was abducted and taken away..
The policeman stood at my door
       As he showed me his badge
         And looking back now...
      Thought he looked rather sad..
   " have you seen you're husband"?
   " do you know where he is"?
" we need to question him"?
   " urgently" you said..
   " he's at work"?
    " why wouldn't he be"?
" and later he'll be home
And spend the evening with me"
    " what's this about?"
    What's he done?
  " a child was abducted from the park today
7yrs old and tiny for her age"
" we just want to question him at this stage"
" do you mind if we wait until he gets back"?
   But by then you would have strangled her...
    Disposed of her body...
And driven away..
  At the end of what started....
      As an ordinary day......

" I've got the keys to the shop"
                  As I dangle them in you're face
                " l think the changing room
                     For ***....
                  Would be the ideal place!"
                 We have  an hour to ****
                 Before I open up the shop
                 " we need to crack on "
                    Before it's 9oclock!
                "Well.....get you're kit off"?
                         I say....
                  And I'll kneel on the floor
                  " we don't have time for anything more!"
                      5 minutes later we're arranging our clothes
           Breathless and giggling we go rushing out to the door
           Hoping know one knows!...

Everything's so instant now
          Technology is king
       If you wanna guy
          And you wanna play...
      You send a message
      Get you're reply....
         And you're away
        " hey ***"
        Says the message
        " do you wanna play"?

You're no gentleman
   You're an absolute disgrace...
Leaving me like a thief in the night.
  You couldn't even say goodbye to my face..
  You slid off the bed
  Like a slinky on heat
You picked up the wine
As you exited my place...
              You're a cheapskate a ***
           You're a *** with no name....

He got out of his car
               And shook his head
          And I could tell by the look on his face...
              She was dead.
         He'd just popped back
        To answer the phone
     When he'd received the sad news
        All alone in their home.
         She was only 47yrs that's no age to die
               With a pained expression
                  He started to cry....
             I felt a strange numbness come over me.
          And went into the kitchen to make some tea.
         " the others will have to be told I said"
                    " oh god" I sobbed
                    " I've run out of bread"!....

She's Sussed us out now!

              The cats out of the bag...
                 Which makes me upset
                     And awfully sad.
                 Caught in a lovers tryst
               In a seedy little pub
                " very cosy" she sarcastically said.
                    As we're caught in the act!
                    We're as guilty as hell..
                        And that's a fact!
                    She turns on her her heels
                    And exits the room
                 The look on you're face
                    Is all gloom and doom
                     I burst into tears
                     Reliving the scene
                 Somehow it makes me feel
                 Somewhat unclean
              He puts a reassuring arm around me
                     And takes my hand
                          And says..
                    " l know this isn't quitewhat we'd planned"
                      " leave her to me"
                         I'tll be alright"
                    " I'll sort it"...
              Once I get home tonight"!
                   " well there's no need for you
                       To leave early now"
                           He said
                    " let's have another drink
                    And go back to you're place"?
                     " for a nightcap? I think"....

" e're you alright ger?"
                " you've gone a bit green?"
                ( tell me I'm imagining this
                  And it's all been a dream)
                So far my thoughts on this trip
                Remain to be seen
              " well I'm off for a pint then
                If you're sure you're ok?"
                Nota terribly romantic start
                     To the perfect day!
                    He lurches down the deck
                    In his trainers and his coat
                    Eagerly intent on tipping
                     Draught bass down his throat
                    
                I wander  around the boat a bit
                    To **** a little time
                    Hoping later on....
                   There would be candlelight and wine
                        But I was disappointed
                           For later on he said
    "We'll use the cafeteria co's its cheaper there instead!
                   We sit down to eat our meal
                    On this unsteady vessel
                 Whilst watching you devour
                You're favourite  fry up special
                I've ordered mackerel salad
                Oh well when in doubt!
               Watching as you stuff black currant.cheesecake in you're mouth....
        " never mind luv.. don't you worry"
           " tomorrow I'll treat you to a ruby Murray"( curry)

                   Later we wandered around the duty free
                     And into the perfume shop
                    " it is our honeymoon " l say..
                       " or had you forgot?"
                     Then in you're loudest voice you shout...
                          For all the world to hear
                   " I'll a've that little bottle there
                               If it's not too dear?"
                        " happy now? You said
                            With that stupid grin
                      Direct me to the nearest hole
                         That I can bury myself in!!!!!arghhh....

With the tattooed angel on you're arm..
              You have plenty of swagger
                And lots of charm...
                  But underneath
                  There is a tortured soul..
                Put back together, but not quite whole.
                  A fragile heart...
                 That is torn apart
                      
                You lost both you're parents at 25
                Then you're brother committed...
                         Suicide...
                You're ex wife you found
                  In the arms of another.
              The worlds not kind...
                They left you behind
                And you'll never recover..

It started off with photos
              A bit of fun....
          A flash of *****, and a cheeky ***!
           But at the end of the day...
              You're still home alone
         They've disappeared into thin air...
          Off the screen, or down the road..
           You're left feeling unsatisfied
             And oddly sad...
              " the art of seduction?"
                 Or have I just been had??..

Tom, tom, you can do no wrong...
                               Young and fit...
                          With a fine tuned wit!!
                               Up for some fun?
                                 Well so am I
                        Let's make hay while the sun shines!!...

Oh Sarah so sweet, oh Sarah so fair
          With you're languid green eyes
            And you're silky blonde hair
          When you hit town
          The boys better beware
           Short **** dress
            And made up face
            With you're punchy manner
             And feline grace...
            And that " oh so innocent"
                Look on you're face...

When I saw you today
         I couldn't hide
         The feeling in my stomach
         Like a rising tide..
          Whether you noticed me
           I couldn't tell
           For if you did
            You hid it so well...
            In the beginning
            Everything was magical..
                Fresh and new
               A sense of anticipation
                    I never knew
                 On the brink of something special..
                     Who knew then
                What was in store for you and me?
               That the violence would have to end
                 And l would make you pay
                            You'll see...

                              

I've joined a burlesque class!
     It's turned out to be such a laugh...
     In my fishnets and high shoes
     I practise my moves
        And strut my stuff to the groove...
         I bump and grind
         In a provocative way
        I wish the hour was longer
         co's I would really like to stay!....

What a helluva birthday...
       I'm in a gay club?
       Brian was standing there
       Looking so smug..
        Standing beside them
        As close as I can...
        OH.....please god won't you make me a man?
       The dance floor is packed..
        The floor show arrives...
        In the shape of a drag act.
         I whisper to Steve
           "Don't you dare leave me here"?
            Then the lights go dim...
              And there's a huge cheer...
              Someone asks the dj
                  To play a request..
       "Take the ribbons from you're hair please darling"
               Someone jests
        I try not to cry and give it my best
            I glance at my watch
            It's a quarter to ten
              As the lights dim
             *** I'm the only woman
             In a club full of men!!..

Hello my names Wayne, I didn't catch youres"?
When all he wants is a ***** against the wall
Seedy surroundings, and poor decor
" oh god.. why did I come? This is all such a bore"
The music is playing a " rave from the grave"
I'm asked for a dance ( he could at least have shaved)..
He lurches round the dance floor
All fingers and thumbs...
  Oh god! now he's got his hand on my ***!
" you look like you're 38 he leeringly says...
And that remark had nothing to do with my age.
With my elegant black dress and string of pearls
" let's not sit down yet " he said
" just one more turn?"
"Hey Can l come back for coffee?"
He said with a wink
" you must be joking "
I said with a smile.
" l'm afraid that isn't really my style"
" what you doing down here then"
He said in a strop..
" and you didn't quite hear me"
" read my lips... *******!!!!!

I won't grow up... I never will!
  I'd rather live on a tropical Leland
With a younger guy and chill
Sometimes life serves up a bitter pill
I WONT grow up
I never will....

In the beginning, it was text, text, text.
" oh I can't wait to see you next."
But when the *** is over...
And alls said and done..
You're antennae is out...
Moving on to the next one.
Men's view on *** is a curious thing?
"Thanks for the meal honey.. "
" I'll give you a ring".
A day goes by..
Then another two...
All the while there not thinking of you..
There in a place called " a mans brain"
Don't ask me how it works?
I'd go insane... there such BERKS!
They decompartmentalise everything they do..
And that... unfortunately honey.. includes you too...
Their brain switches off after they've had *** with you...
Where it goes? nobody knows?
But no longer focuses on you...
It shouts ..." I wanna sleep"
" l have a meeting later this week"
" l must get the car cleaned"
" watch the footie on the box"
" that girl in the office, now she's a little fox"!
Whilst you lay there in the afterglow
All tingly and sated...
He's thinking about the girl last week he dated!
I think we can say *** is very over rated!!...

A father at you're age?
                  Is all rather sad...
                   I feel concerned for the baby
                  And contempt for the dad...
                   Still...when she's lost her figure
                   And she's up half the night..
                   You'll be losing you're temper..
                          And picking a fight..
                          I wonder who's eyes
                         Will be blackened tonight?
                              You'll never change
                                 You just live a lie...
                              You haven't the guts
                           To look life in the eye!
                     " mr cardboard cut out man"
                            That's you're nickname
                       Who's whole existence
                          Is one long acting game....

Ping! You've got mail!
          They come in all shapes and sizes
           Some fat, some thin
           Some that would make you're eyes water...
           If that's you're thing..
             It's not mine, that's for sure..
              " please don't send me any more?"
                I've got so many now I could paper the wall!
                I'm gonna get them framed..
                A talking point at parties
                 To name and shame...
                 Then I'll get my own back
                  By playing " their game!"...

Love is a four letter word...
     I'm glad I'm free as a bird
     Whether it be lover, partner or wife...
      It simply brings nothing
        But trouble and strife..!
       Love is a four letter word
             What's that expression?
                      No pain,no gain!
              I'm glad I'm a sane person again
                     Love is a four letter word
               Love is commitment intrusion and hurt..
                       It also takes two to make it work!
                       Damaging emotions and draining reserves....
                        Yes.....love is a four letter word!..

I've slept with another married guy...
      They just migrate towards me...
        I dunno why?
         " we can't be seen in public"
           "Can I come to yours?"
           " just shut the front door
               And I'm all yours!"
            " do you have condoms"?
               I practise safe ***....
              " oh you're so romantic"
                 I hear myself say
                ( as you lick my neck)
                " do you like oral"?
                 " wear black underwear and heels"
                  " let's tie you to the  bed
                     And see how that feels?"
             Fluffy pink handcuffs
               And a blindfold
                I love the lot!
          You're like a school boy
                In a tuck shop!!......

" age is all in the mind darling!"
              " and you're as young as you feel"
                 Ok... joke over...
                   Now get real!!
                 You've got you're health and vanity
            Nice hair , eyes and mouth..
             Which is probably just as well..
             Cos the body's going south!
            Sadly.. the force of gravity
             And the ravages of time..
           Makes joe bloggs.. more appealing
           After that third glass of wine..
            If I ever win the lottery...
           I'll have a nip and tuck...
        But if a young guy pulled me...
          I'd settle for a ****...