What a helluva birthday...
       I'm in a gay club?
       Brian was standing there
       Looking so smug..
        Standing beside them
        As close as I can...
        OH.....please god won't you make me a man?
       The dance floor is packed..
        The floor show arrives...
        In the shape of a drag act.
         I whisper to Steve
           "Don't you dare leave me here"?
            Then the lights go dim...
              And there's a huge cheer...
              Someone asks the dj
                  To play a request..
       "Take the ribbons from you're hair please darling"
               Someone jests
        I try not to cry and give it my best
            I glance at my watch
            It's a quarter to ten
              As the lights dim
             *** I'm the only woman
             In a club full of men!!..

" got any gingers ger" you'd say
                            In you're crude Bristolian way
                             "City did alright today!"
                              Draught bass, skittles
                               Stilton, and port wine..
                               Were just a few...
                               Of you're favourite pastimes
                                You're woolly hat
                                And yer funky bike
                                 Oh my god
                                " what are you like"!!

I feel fat!
        I shouldn't have eaten that chocolate bar...
         So... that's that!
        What's that expression?
        A moment on the lips
        A lifetime on the hips
        Who cares it was yummy!
         And I couldn't give a ****!...

Oh David, oh David..
  I've got the hots for you
   Each time I see you're photo
I don't know what to do..
  You're only 39
And I am 62
     Please take me out
    So we can have a good time..
    I don't care where we go
    As long as I'm with you
     Kiss me touch me
   I don't care what you do
    I'm putty in you're hands
   And you know it, don't you?
   Ride me, smack me
  Tie me to the bed

Where there's champagne, a scented bath
And candles in the room
+ breakfast in bed....

Ping! You've got mail!
          They come in all shapes and sizes
           Some fat, some thin
           Some that would make you're eyes water...
           If that's you're thing..
             It's not mine, that's for sure..
              " please don't send me any more?"
                I've got so many now I could paper the wall!
                I'm gonna get them framed..
                A talking point at parties
                 To name and shame...
                 Then I'll get my own back
                  By playing " their game!"...

Ooh...l love Italian men...
      Who say "ciao bambino"
" please can I see you again?"
They flatter. with their patter
All the way to bed
    Where there's plenty of action
         And very little said!
        They speak italian in you're ear
        And tell you they wanna *******
         From the rear...
         When spoken in Italian
         *** sounds sooo... hot
          But when an English guy says the same...
           Sadly it's not.....hot!!

Hello my names Wayne, I didn't catch youres"?
When all he wants is a ***** against the wall
Seedy surroundings, and poor decor
" oh god.. why did I come? This is all such a bore"
The music is playing a " rave from the grave"
I'm asked for a dance ( he could at least have shaved)..
He lurches round the dance floor
All fingers and thumbs...
  Oh god! now he's got his hand on my ***!
" you look like you're 38 he leeringly says...
And that remark had nothing to do with my age.
With my elegant black dress and string of pearls
" let's not sit down yet " he said
" just one more turn?"
"Hey Can l come back for coffee?"
He said with a wink
" you must be joking "
I said with a smile.
" l'm afraid that isn't really my style"
" what you doing down here then"
He said in a strop..
" and you didn't quite hear me"
" read my lips... *******!!!!!