i would not have died at 28
though many times i should
there, only felt twice enough
and now being me at 58..

i am on the whole a gladly
person who eventually loved
came to find some odd stuff
and disobeyed future history..

yes,now i think myself lucky
where as previous mad and sad
and time is a little lad
in my heart grows and he say..

what is success, lily?
i think to enjoy
spiritually or
material gain-say

there are no rules..
i mean, the collie or
abstention or just football
too dostoevski..

an open mind-little
birds, cause every man
is born as many men
and dies as a single one..

i


i´m  afraid
too-
nothing
new

how are
you..
still,
soon

be dead..
roses blown
rat´s fed
soul

dis-bursed
star sown
partly
us..

ii
i never thought
i´d be
the head of
a church-

paganism
for a new age
the old religion
pantheism

the worship
of light
and adoration
of nature

brother
sister
sharing the
eternal then..

when i tell truths
it sounds like lies
and vice versa

so i say
in moments of love
why..

this is this
that is that
see my magic eye..

spirit of air..
i don´t know
am the first to

say..
i believed through
nature a true friend..

and you..

when confronted by the mirror
do we say what ghastly sinner
brought forth yonder storm?
(or why was i born..)

or realise the fragrant rains-
amid pleasures pain
that threaten then clear
for reflections fear..

i


i remember j.
beat me about the head
with crime and punishment..
lovely smile and strong legs..

y?
o..i was stuck to the ground
an abandoned tent
my brain rusty pegs..

get up..
it was the edition with
john hurt on the cover..
national treasure..

why must you get so
****** up..
i liked it..
i liked her..

i liked dostoyevski..!

ii

when i stopped drinking
the hardest thing was the boredom
if the mental addiction
the numb brain
feeling insane

was not suffice..

i started painting
i know..i could nt face aa
i watched trains
and sat by the canals
chanting and praying..

and considered snippets..

iii

but the painting brought
me out of stupor..
i loved my wood burner..
a little bit..
when i felt buried

i played my guitar..
i met claudia
her eyes were like
so shot with gold..
we smoked..

we ******..
near on killed me
in that old van..
alone..
i drank..


iv

the winters lasted too
long
they skated up
and down
i visited f
with all her
animals..

on the t
in her barge
of green and gold..
she was always kind..
my god it was cold..
but her warm heart..
we drank tea..

v

so i managed to stop
for a whole year..

and then started up again..
why,i can´t say..

but stopped entirely
on feb. 12
1994..

i recall the day exactly
i would find myself
but still looking for..

iv


one thing they get you
to dislike
well this is it
take a hike..

well done to
maximus
well done
to me

well done
to my children
one  fifty
all my loving..

i

i have a new book lily
i got it at the flea market
it is a compilation of patients
with strange psychosis-entitled,
the man who mistook his wife for a hat-i read the preface, and i thnk it is too complex for me..he is banging on about the
left and right of the brain..some rudimentary understanding
of neurology is called for..i don´ t have it..but i will try,i enjoy
a challenge..

ii

she says what would you do if
you only had a short time to live
i would n´t change a thing-is
that a some kind of happy man..?

i

poetry is food and food
is poetry-the soul will shrivel
if it is terrible then so

throw a silver piece dude
into a bottomless well
and go no..

no..without it..universal
love and time so
genius and the fool

hand in hand
shared-crude tool
why, say people

o subtle little stand
some twaddle
death and renewel

the loving land
a quick cuddle-
her or his hand

try and keep track
like a diary book
like a distant f

dinner in front of
the computer
carrot soup and

quiche
poor or rich
does n´t matter..

kidnapped by aliens?
on you go..
tell us you woke up

with a sore ***-hole..
and more power to you
make it good though

don´t rush..don´t they say
god is in the detail
(i say and too often

i know..)and i go on
i know..finnishing is tricky
motion is my thing..

ii

travel i liked travel
now,i am frightened to put
my head out..

memory will do that
i realize now -but with all
the ***** cognac i imbibed

tis´wonder i can remember
but with the computer and a
nice cup of tea..

i was death and now i am life
well change baby..
viva la differences

the bat cat and rat
the chinese i admire
don´t you

i felt universal love
to strangers but now
i want to **** them-

such is life change baby
old and grumpy..lol..
i was so dumb

i thought got to do
something baby
apart from drinking..

i was going from alcoholic to
chronic..a book by..it is called the grass
arena..

john something-i have to move..john
healy..how a drinking man became
a chess champion..

saved me bacon..i picked up my
guitar and said right..
and then i thought what about painting

and so on..i thought i was good  but..
therapy..penny whistle followed
violin and mandolin

heal me..save it..baby..
reading..i think i have covered crime
and punisment quite extensively-

in other poems i know
my girl friend hit me with it-bam..
it hurt but i read it..

and dostoyevski..what a guy..
from their i got into the russians
when i think of a book

some memory is attatched
and love and redemption
sonia and rodney..

his lovely mother and dunya..
mr luhzin
and my sore head..siberia..

i loved worzel gummidge
he was so gentlemanly
he was so patient and
he was so kind

he feared not the crow man
and his stern admonishment
he made up
his own diction

wise in the ways of women
as you wish miss sally
you know best(es)
he would shuffle behind

humble and besotted..
follow her to the end
and though each escapade
ended sadly

he never lost faith from a
sun that always shone
that was his
o there were tears!

and moments of agonising
self cross examination
doubts like burning straw
burned us and ours-

after all,here was a man that
was nothing
and to total inertia
silenced the raven..

i

still no idea,
nope,death just
round the corner..

ii

****,i mean,
what was the point?
shed some tears

iii

deranged laughter..
the dark-some light
badinage..

iv

no cohesive strategy!?
but keep quiet
small change..

i dream about you
dreamt about you
i dreamed about you
dreaming about you

how i loved you
how i love you
loving you
love

you
waking
woke
waked
wake..

o come on!lily like
a child denied something
what about this snake..?!

well,it was passing
and i thought poor thing
in the concrete jungle

i picked it up by the tail
and it u-turned and sank
it´s fangs into my hand

i gently admonished it
and slowly compressed it´s jaws
beneath it´s exquisite skull-

was it alright?
lily laughs out loud
and put it in the bushes..

that´s  it...
but quite an interesting
diversion and soon forgot..

pity
can be ugly
where as courage
is above average
-take a lick stoic!
given empathy
generously
brown bread-
soon be dead..
long time dead..

we don´ t like spies
we don´ t like lies
we don´ t like old
steak and kidney pies..

we don´ t like others
talking about themselves
when we want to talk of ourselves..

we don´ t like putting up shelves
we don´ t like insincere ties
we don´ t like elves..

we don´ t like having to
get up on a chilly  winter
morn
and go to work..

we don´ t like bad luck
we don´ t like ****
we don´ t like such an
unfair distribution of wealth..

we don´ t like some poets
lovers with running noses
we didn´ t like the great auk
extinct since the 1840s..

we don´ t like arriving
late for a movie
or the prices they ask
for sweeties..

we don´ t like bitten by
snakes
or marching off to wars
we don´ t like death or
being born..

we don´ t like sand
we don´ t like the sun
we don´ t like the food
why we came i can´ t think..

we don´ t like to complain
we don´ t like haunted lanes
we don´ t enjoy swallowing ink
we don´ t like fawn..

we don´ t think much of a
universe so alone
we can´ t think too much
of a world full of pain..

we don´ t hold the horses
when it comes to drugs
or alcohol..
we don´ t like to make a stink..

we don´ t like being too tall
or too small
too fat or too thin
and so on..

me,
i spent a good amount
of my adolescence wondering
how it would be

without
sound and/or reflection
(a tricky time)
then in my twenties

came alcoholism
and monetarism
(-lack and
cognac!)

then,
me,
in my thirties-
(it got bad!)

mortality
came a knocking-
(a bad baby and a
kaas souffle..)

they do say-
life it begins at
forty-
(spain and me)

50
what to say
cancer came and
went-
(not me)

sixty one
still on
song
so..

my memory is not
too hot
it might be

a vitamin deficiancy-
they say,eat fish!
i prefer to for get..