Swimmer101

Swimmer101 Nov 2021

Untitled

memories lay repressed beneath my consciousness
they lie dusty

Swimmer101 Oct 2018

Faith

The fortress upholding your faith collapses
A darkness barrages it’s way inside
Your thoughts become thundering drums
Your skin trembles as the sound resonates
A fight for control and a loss to selfishness
There’s a war raging between deception and actuality
ignorance becomes sweet
And the facts increasingly bitter
What it has to offer is captivating and misleading
Weak eyes are now covered with a thick film
Empty stares, empty words, and empty actions are the result
You’re a modern day Mona Lisa with these smiles
What were you thinking?
You became disoriented in the moments
Your illusions depict happiness
Those lies sustain you, quenching an insatiable thirst
desires burn brighter than reason
Questions never feel answered because the truth is suppressed
Those rants in the mirror are meaningless if your actions are dormant
The person shouting back is someone You can’t recall
submerged by what could be and loving the idea of dreams
A decision against faith with delusions of grandeur waste you away
You realize you need help
laying down with streaming tears and an open heart, you whisper a prayer
You find a piece of who you are and make your solution exist
You leave, You reject, and you cry until you cant cry anymore
You set the darkness on fire behind a glass door and see how inhuman it is
When the ashes have drifted away, You feel unbalanced
You couldn’t remember how to live with faith in something better
You lost what you wanted and miss what you don’t need
You were led astray and are finding your way back again
Committing yourself to God rather than sin is your first step

Swimmer101 Mar 2018

No Contact Rule

What is your value?
What motivates you?
Do you not have a clue?
I was in that position too

I lost myself
In the desires of impulsiveness
Putting my dignity at the back of a shelf
Allowing my heart to explore a primitive wilderness

I wanted it
I was okay with any outcome
I needed it
It'd have only been some

I began to make my first step
To fulfill my temptations
The most important thing I've kept
Was lost in a place better not to mention

The ups and downs of it all
was diving my mind to the pit of the insane
My self security became three inches tall
The situation had provided no gain

I hadn't ever felt this affliction
Not even my patterned past
Could compare to the confused affection
Every moment I had felt like a task

That's when everything ended
Five months later I was still in pain
I had decided to put a complete end
To every access of the memories stained

I now need my time to heal
to learn self-respect, self-love, and control
I wish there was a backspace for how I feel
This no contact is taking it's toll

I dont expect it to break from the other side
My drug doesn't need me
I couldv'e drowned in all the tears cried
I am young, dumb, and have chosen to let the past be

#LessonDisguised

Swimmer101 Oct 2017

Universal Understanding

I’m dying
You’re dying
we’re all dying

Take that in
Let it marinate
Let it remind you there is an end

Swimmer101 Oct 2017

Marrow of Purity

Please let me go
It’s not something I can end
I started this, and can’t stop
I take one look and bathe myself
With your purity

I am an unholy being
Craving the good in this world
******* the marrow from your bones
To get every ounce from you

I’m caught in a fiery love
Torn between leaving you for dead
Or staying with you
Slowly taking with regret

Nothing gets better than seeing you happy
Looking into those brown depths of love
How is it that my unholy self
is the only one that notices it?

That you're everything a person hopes to be
You remind me I’m a monster
But when your lips open
They whisper, “do your worse”

You challenge my deadly voices
Believing you love me endlessly
What a fool
You don’t have any idea what I’ve done

Don’t let me drain you of good
Hold strong and let me go
If you really loved me
You’d let me go

Oct 2017

Star Gazer

Till I'm Old and Grey.

For a long time coming I have known things weren't going to be easy
the genie isn't going to give wishes like it was candy on halloweens night,
every night I'd lay my head on my pillow and cry for about ten minutes
"it'll be easy soon, isn't it?" I'd ask myself convinced myself to go on
like a parrot repeating the same old song, I said "it'll be easy soon",
and come noon of the next day; I realised it had been a routine,
a living pattern of new scene each stained in the same old ways,
the same old days reliving itself in front of my eyes.

A few nights ago, I tried to **** myself and I did not die,
somewhere, something is keeping me alive and tomorrow
I'm going to stop trying, because trying to die was more exhausting
than trying to live. I made a promise a long time ago to keep going on
and that will be the path I am on.

I am choosing to try to be happy for this year
I'd fought my fears and I'm one new day into my life,
and tonight, I will try my best to invent dreams in my head before I sleep
rather than spent the time in a deep cry, because tonight,
as lights go off and my head hits the pillow, I will be thinking happy thoughts.

I love all of you.
I'm going to keep on going, each and every day.
Until old age rips me away from all of you.